Status: This story is dead, man. Deaaad.
Star Wars + Knight Rider = Star Rider
The Birds and the Bees
In a deserted part of the galaxy was a little house, shed-like. It was made of bronze, with a door made of silver. C-3PO and Chewbacca opened the door of the little house and walked in. It was the first time Chewbacca's ever been inside. C-3PO looked around with a pleased expression, "We have enough metal, it looks like. Now we just need to gather up some!"
He walked over to a pile and skimmed through it, picking out the best pieces. Chewbacca stood there, not sure what to do. "We need long pieces," C-3PO called out. "They'll be easier to deal with."
He gathered many long pieces, but he was searching for a much longer piece, for a special part of Luke. "Ahh, I think we've found a winner!" he said, feeling accomplished. Chewbacca looked over and saw C-3PO holding up what seemed to be a 10-inch long piece of metal. "It'll do nicely, huh, 'bacca? This is about the size of his manhood, eh?"
Chewbacca had a look of "Oh, so you think I've seen his dick, you idiot!? Wtf. Seriously." He probably would've said it, too, if he could pronounce words. Instead, he grunted. C-3PO was oblivious to the look on Chewbacca's face. He kept on gloating about the piece he found and how happy it will make Luke.
All of this talk about "manhood" made C-3PO think of sex. . . and sex made him remember the sex talk he promised Chewbacca. "Ah! My friend! I told you I would tell you all about the birds and the bees. Now that we have time, it's best for us to get it over with." C-3PO sat down on the hard, bronze floor and motioned for Chewbacca to do the same. Chewbacca hesitated, but sat infront of him.
Oh man. This is gonna be some effed up shit right here, eh? I bet you're all thinking, "What kind of fanfic is this!? Car love, warts, violence! and now C-3PO is giving Chewbacca a damn sex talk!? WHAT?"
Don't worry, don't feel bad. I'm right here with you. I'm the author and my mind is about to explode from this bs, too.
"Okay," C-3PO began, "When a woman and a man that fancy each other get together, they get very. . nice feelings. A tingly sensation. These feelings make them want to touch each other. That could be a hug, a cuddle or a kiss. It usually starts out with a kiss and soon leads to fondling and groping. The man will caress the woman's breasts, while she rubs his manhood. This could last for, I don't know, 30 minutes to an hour. It depends on if she's a tease or not. If she is, she will get the man so horny that he's ready to hump a pillow, then she will go home. If she isn't. . . well, haha! She will undress herself, lie down, and spread her legs in some sort of yoga pose."
STOP. I know what you're thinking. Calm down, reread that last bit. NO, I did not say "Yoda". Phew! That was close, huh? I didn't want to get you thinking about Yoda having sex or something. What? That didn't come to your mind? Ah. Well, now it did. Sorry.
As Chewbacca took all of this new knowledge in, he stared in bewilderment. He wanted to learn more! C-3PO continued, "Now. As she lay there, naked, with her legs spread like the wings of a soaring eagle, her woman area invites the man area inside. He will then stick his manhood into her love hole. They will then proceed to move in a back and forth motion." C-3PO moved back and forth a bit, humpy-like, to give 'bacca the idea.
Ohhh hoho! I bet this'll be stuck in your mind forever. C-3PO. Humping. Just try and not dream about it tonight.
Chewbacca was absolutely fascinated! He tried picturing this in his mind, but he was getting frustrated. He didn't want to imagine it, he wanted to see it!
"Once they do that for a bit," C-3PO continued, "the feeling gets even better. It no longer feels good, it feels fantastic! As the woman and man move back and forth, grinding faster and harder, they both soon orgasm. That is the climax of love. Now, they both might not orgasm. Sometimes both won't at all. Usually the man does and the woman fakes it. I'm not sure why the women fake it, but I see it a lot on TV. They're very caring creatures, I think. They probably don't want to make the men feel bad for their sucky sexing. Anyway, that's it! That's sex! Now you know!" C-3PO smiled, satisfied with his explanation. He wasn't going to start on the subject of babies. Hell no. C-3PO couldn't be arsed with that.
"Do you understand, Chewbacca?" he asked his friend. Chewbacca was speechless! Ah, I mean groanless! He just sat there, staring. "Chewbacca?" C-3PO called, waving his robotic arms infront of his face, "Helloooo?"
Chewbacca started to drool. The sex talk drove his mind to a place he's never imagined. He imagined himself that man. He imagined himself boning the hell out of that woman. As he thought of this, his whole body twitched. He started groaning, which almost sounded like moaning.
"Uhh.. 'bacca, I think we better get back to the hospital now. . . oh! goodness!" C-3PO gasped. He was shocked, utterly shocked. C-3PO witnessed a sight he would never forget. That hard, long, furry stick between 'bacca's legs had risen. That's right. Chewbacca got his first boner.
OH. MY. GOD.
He walked over to a pile and skimmed through it, picking out the best pieces. Chewbacca stood there, not sure what to do. "We need long pieces," C-3PO called out. "They'll be easier to deal with."
He gathered many long pieces, but he was searching for a much longer piece, for a special part of Luke. "Ahh, I think we've found a winner!" he said, feeling accomplished. Chewbacca looked over and saw C-3PO holding up what seemed to be a 10-inch long piece of metal. "It'll do nicely, huh, 'bacca? This is about the size of his manhood, eh?"
Chewbacca had a look of "Oh, so you think I've seen his dick, you idiot!? Wtf. Seriously." He probably would've said it, too, if he could pronounce words. Instead, he grunted. C-3PO was oblivious to the look on Chewbacca's face. He kept on gloating about the piece he found and how happy it will make Luke.
All of this talk about "manhood" made C-3PO think of sex. . . and sex made him remember the sex talk he promised Chewbacca. "Ah! My friend! I told you I would tell you all about the birds and the bees. Now that we have time, it's best for us to get it over with." C-3PO sat down on the hard, bronze floor and motioned for Chewbacca to do the same. Chewbacca hesitated, but sat infront of him.
Oh man. This is gonna be some effed up shit right here, eh? I bet you're all thinking, "What kind of fanfic is this!? Car love, warts, violence! and now C-3PO is giving Chewbacca a damn sex talk!? WHAT?"
Don't worry, don't feel bad. I'm right here with you. I'm the author and my mind is about to explode from this bs, too.
"Okay," C-3PO began, "When a woman and a man that fancy each other get together, they get very. . nice feelings. A tingly sensation. These feelings make them want to touch each other. That could be a hug, a cuddle or a kiss. It usually starts out with a kiss and soon leads to fondling and groping. The man will caress the woman's breasts, while she rubs his manhood. This could last for, I don't know, 30 minutes to an hour. It depends on if she's a tease or not. If she is, she will get the man so horny that he's ready to hump a pillow, then she will go home. If she isn't. . . well, haha! She will undress herself, lie down, and spread her legs in some sort of yoga pose."
STOP. I know what you're thinking. Calm down, reread that last bit. NO, I did not say "Yoda". Phew! That was close, huh? I didn't want to get you thinking about Yoda having sex or something. What? That didn't come to your mind? Ah. Well, now it did. Sorry.
As Chewbacca took all of this new knowledge in, he stared in bewilderment. He wanted to learn more! C-3PO continued, "Now. As she lay there, naked, with her legs spread like the wings of a soaring eagle, her woman area invites the man area inside. He will then stick his manhood into her love hole. They will then proceed to move in a back and forth motion." C-3PO moved back and forth a bit, humpy-like, to give 'bacca the idea.
Ohhh hoho! I bet this'll be stuck in your mind forever. C-3PO. Humping. Just try and not dream about it tonight.
Chewbacca was absolutely fascinated! He tried picturing this in his mind, but he was getting frustrated. He didn't want to imagine it, he wanted to see it!
"Once they do that for a bit," C-3PO continued, "the feeling gets even better. It no longer feels good, it feels fantastic! As the woman and man move back and forth, grinding faster and harder, they both soon orgasm. That is the climax of love. Now, they both might not orgasm. Sometimes both won't at all. Usually the man does and the woman fakes it. I'm not sure why the women fake it, but I see it a lot on TV. They're very caring creatures, I think. They probably don't want to make the men feel bad for their sucky sexing. Anyway, that's it! That's sex! Now you know!" C-3PO smiled, satisfied with his explanation. He wasn't going to start on the subject of babies. Hell no. C-3PO couldn't be arsed with that.
"Do you understand, Chewbacca?" he asked his friend. Chewbacca was speechless! Ah, I mean groanless! He just sat there, staring. "Chewbacca?" C-3PO called, waving his robotic arms infront of his face, "Helloooo?"
Chewbacca started to drool. The sex talk drove his mind to a place he's never imagined. He imagined himself that man. He imagined himself boning the hell out of that woman. As he thought of this, his whole body twitched. He started groaning, which almost sounded like moaning.
"Uhh.. 'bacca, I think we better get back to the hospital now. . . oh! goodness!" C-3PO gasped. He was shocked, utterly shocked. C-3PO witnessed a sight he would never forget. That hard, long, furry stick between 'bacca's legs had risen. That's right. Chewbacca got his first boner.
OH. MY. GOD.