Losing Love
Dream of Reality
That night as she laid in bed smiling to herself in the darkness, she could not help the images of herself in a white dress cascade through her mind. It would have been an engagement ring if he was still alive but instead it was a reminder of everything they were together. Her mother nearly dropped a plate when she returned home and walked into the kitchen where she was cleaning. She flashed the white gold ring which was placed on her middle finger.
"Well he knows how to spoil a girl." She squealed as she just about left Mandy's finger attached to her hand as she examined every detail of the ring.
She knew right then she would never find anyone that she loved as much, she did not want anyone else. No body else would matter to her in that way. She imagined herself walking down a long aisle towards him. Tears crept to her eye's as she watched him in her thoughts looking even more handsome than he always was in his suit. She giggled knowing her bridesmaids would be dressed in her favorite shade of blue. White flowers tied to the end of each pew, her veil flowing down her back with the beautiful music to top it off but disappointment soon settled in as she realized she would have to come to terms that it would never happen. She would never get to wear a white dress, she would never get to see him smiling down at her as she walked elegantly up the aisle to meet him. She sighed deeply wishing he was there to tell her everything would be ok and that the ring on her finger symbolized their forever. But it didn't, the ring on her finger symbolized their past.
She turned over and closed her eye's trying to block out her thought's, they started happy, but happy was just making her depressed. How could she be happy, he wasn't there with her? She prayed that tonight the sleep would welcome her and someone must have been listening because she soon fell into her very own darkness.
*****
The grass was green, very green and surrounded her for miles. The sun was beating down on her as she sat up with her knees to her chest. " Why do you do that?" He asked as she turned to face him.
"Do what?" She asked, confused.
"Sit like you are constantly physically in pain."
"I figured it would keep me together, like I won't break to pieces now that you are gone. The pain eases a bit, it is easier for me to breath." She answered honestly looking away from him. He was just as she had remembered before he got sick. He was the beautiful Nick she fell in love with. His dark brown hair was cut short and his eye's were big and blue, not the tired eye's that had haunted him while he was sick. "I thought I was going to be mad at you for leaving me, but I can't be."
"I haven't left, Mand. I am still there." He smiled. "I always will be."
"No, Nick your memory is there, not you." She stated bitterly.
"Sorry, I never meant to hurt you." He said, lowering his head.
"I know. I guess forever was too much to ask for." She said.
"You don't deserve this. But you will get through it. Everything that is going to happen you can get through." He rubbed her cheek and she closed her eye's embracing his warm touch.
"Nothing else could possibly happen, Nick. Life could do nothing worse to me."
"Just promise me you won't do anything stupid no matter what happens, you have to think of others." She stared at him searching his face to find meaning to his words.
"Nick, you know I would never do anything-"
"Not that Mandy," He cut her off "-I mean just leave things go as life intended them." She looked at him, confused. She had no idea what he was talking about. But she did not question him on it, she knew she did not have long left with, she just nodded her head in agreement.
"So no halo and wings?" She asked, serious. He laughed and banged off of her playfully causing her to sway sidewards.
"No love, no halo or wings." He laughed.
"Pity," She pouted, "you would have looked cute in a halo and wings." She said sounding disappointed. They both stayed silent for a long moment watching the sun go down. "It's beautiful." She breathed.
"Yeah, it's ok." She looked only to realize he was staring at her. "With you sitting here in comparison, nothing is more beautiful."
"Wow, that was super cliche." She joked.
"I know, right. Can't help if it's true though."
She watched him as he stood up and leaned over to kiss her softly on the lips. "Love you," He murmured as she deepened the kiss. He pulled away reluctantly and turned around to walk back to where he had come from.
"Nick." She called, he turned and looked at her so intensely she was sure her heart stopped. "Will we ever have forever?" She asked.
"You will see, soon we will have our very own little forever." He said as he winked at her. She blinked and he was gone.
*****
Mandy woke with a start, sweat dripping down her neck and over her collar bone. It was bright outside. She had never taken her dreams seriously but that was just too real. It was the first time she had dreamed of Nick like that. She was never a girl to believe in the whole spiritual thing but she was convinced he was trying to tell her something. She shook her head and placed it back down on her pillow. You are being stupid, she told herself, Nick isn't here anymore, it was just a dream. For some reason she wasn't convinced. He was dead they could never have a forever but she just couldn't get rid of the fear of possibly knowing what their own little forever was going to turn out to be.
"Well he knows how to spoil a girl." She squealed as she just about left Mandy's finger attached to her hand as she examined every detail of the ring.
She knew right then she would never find anyone that she loved as much, she did not want anyone else. No body else would matter to her in that way. She imagined herself walking down a long aisle towards him. Tears crept to her eye's as she watched him in her thoughts looking even more handsome than he always was in his suit. She giggled knowing her bridesmaids would be dressed in her favorite shade of blue. White flowers tied to the end of each pew, her veil flowing down her back with the beautiful music to top it off but disappointment soon settled in as she realized she would have to come to terms that it would never happen. She would never get to wear a white dress, she would never get to see him smiling down at her as she walked elegantly up the aisle to meet him. She sighed deeply wishing he was there to tell her everything would be ok and that the ring on her finger symbolized their forever. But it didn't, the ring on her finger symbolized their past.
She turned over and closed her eye's trying to block out her thought's, they started happy, but happy was just making her depressed. How could she be happy, he wasn't there with her? She prayed that tonight the sleep would welcome her and someone must have been listening because she soon fell into her very own darkness.
*****
The grass was green, very green and surrounded her for miles. The sun was beating down on her as she sat up with her knees to her chest. " Why do you do that?" He asked as she turned to face him.
"Do what?" She asked, confused.
"Sit like you are constantly physically in pain."
"I figured it would keep me together, like I won't break to pieces now that you are gone. The pain eases a bit, it is easier for me to breath." She answered honestly looking away from him. He was just as she had remembered before he got sick. He was the beautiful Nick she fell in love with. His dark brown hair was cut short and his eye's were big and blue, not the tired eye's that had haunted him while he was sick. "I thought I was going to be mad at you for leaving me, but I can't be."
"I haven't left, Mand. I am still there." He smiled. "I always will be."
"No, Nick your memory is there, not you." She stated bitterly.
"Sorry, I never meant to hurt you." He said, lowering his head.
"I know. I guess forever was too much to ask for." She said.
"You don't deserve this. But you will get through it. Everything that is going to happen you can get through." He rubbed her cheek and she closed her eye's embracing his warm touch.
"Nothing else could possibly happen, Nick. Life could do nothing worse to me."
"Just promise me you won't do anything stupid no matter what happens, you have to think of others." She stared at him searching his face to find meaning to his words.
"Nick, you know I would never do anything-"
"Not that Mandy," He cut her off "-I mean just leave things go as life intended them." She looked at him, confused. She had no idea what he was talking about. But she did not question him on it, she knew she did not have long left with, she just nodded her head in agreement.
"So no halo and wings?" She asked, serious. He laughed and banged off of her playfully causing her to sway sidewards.
"No love, no halo or wings." He laughed.
"Pity," She pouted, "you would have looked cute in a halo and wings." She said sounding disappointed. They both stayed silent for a long moment watching the sun go down. "It's beautiful." She breathed.
"Yeah, it's ok." She looked only to realize he was staring at her. "With you sitting here in comparison, nothing is more beautiful."
"Wow, that was super cliche." She joked.
"I know, right. Can't help if it's true though."
She watched him as he stood up and leaned over to kiss her softly on the lips. "Love you," He murmured as she deepened the kiss. He pulled away reluctantly and turned around to walk back to where he had come from.
"Nick." She called, he turned and looked at her so intensely she was sure her heart stopped. "Will we ever have forever?" She asked.
"You will see, soon we will have our very own little forever." He said as he winked at her. She blinked and he was gone.
*****
Mandy woke with a start, sweat dripping down her neck and over her collar bone. It was bright outside. She had never taken her dreams seriously but that was just too real. It was the first time she had dreamed of Nick like that. She was never a girl to believe in the whole spiritual thing but she was convinced he was trying to tell her something. She shook her head and placed it back down on her pillow. You are being stupid, she told herself, Nick isn't here anymore, it was just a dream. For some reason she wasn't convinced. He was dead they could never have a forever but she just couldn't get rid of the fear of possibly knowing what their own little forever was going to turn out to be.