Torment

I knew that Brendon still loved me. And I knew that I loved him. But I was now hesitating in telling him. I felt like it wouldn't be a good idea. What if I hurt him again?

I knew the chances of me cheating on Brendon again were very unlikely...but it made me nervous. I didn't trust myself now. I still felt horrible for doing that to Brendon.

Why does my life seem like such a mess?

Maybe because it is.

"Oh," Brendon said, as he walked into my room, his face becoming very red. "Sorry. I didn't mean to...um. Sorry."

I was breast feeding Ryan. I laughed at Brendon who was still avoiding looking at me. I laughed.

"It's ok Brendon," I said. "It's not anything you haven't seen before."

"Yeah," he said, rubbing the back of his neck awkwardly.

"Did you need something?" I asked. He shook his head.

"No...," he said, sounding hesitant. "Umm..I'm just going to go."

I laughed at Brendon's awkwardness as he left my bedroom, closing the door behind him. Sure, I was embarrassed, but it had to happen at some point. It just seemed inevitable. When Ryan was full I placed him back in his crib before fixing my shirt.

When I left my room, I found Brendon sitting on the couch in my living room, watching something on TV. I went and sat next to him. Brendon smiled at me before returning his attention back to the TV. I turned my own attention to the TV as well. As I started to get into the show, I could tell Brendon was watching me. I turned my head to look at him and our eyes met. Brendon didn't look away.

"What?" I asked. Brendon shook his head slowly.

"Nothing," he said. He smiled slightly. "You just look really pretty today."

I felt my cheeks flush and I smiled at Brendon. He was so sweet.

"You don't have to say that," I said. "I mean, just because you walked in on--"

"No," Brendon said, cutting me off. "I'm not just saying it. I really mean it."

"Oh," I said. "Well thank you."

Brendon smiled back at me before turning to face the TV again. This time I watched him and now I was wondering why I didn't just tell him how I felt. Everything just felt perfect. This felt right.

I felt a pang at how I had felt that way with Ryan. What if Brendon ended up like Ryan? I don't think I could go through that again.

I didn't even notice that Brendon was paying attention to me until I felt Brendon's hand on my cheek, wiping it gently. I hadn't realized I was crying.

"Why are you crying?" Brendon asked, concern showing in his voice and on his face. I shook my head and closed my eyes for a second. I wiped away the rest of my tears before reopening my eyes.

"I'm fine," I said quietly, my voice slightly hoarse. Brendon ran a hand through my hair gently and I noticed that he had moved his face closer to mine. And all I could think was that this was it.

I closed the gap between our faces quickly, placing my lips on his. Brendon responded immediately, kissing me back. I couldn't help but think of how much more right this felt than when we were first together. This was perfection.