Shadows

Obediently, I unlock the front door for Alex.
Obediently, I step aside and allow him into my haven.

“You dance?” Alex greets me at the front door.

His backpack hangs off one shoulder.
His skateboard rests under the opposite arm.

I shrug.
Do I dance?
Or did I dance?

“It looks like you dance.” Alex runs his eyes over my tank top, sweat pants, and shoes.

Again I shrug.
Again I question myself.

“You never told me you dance.” Alex laughs his Alex laugh, loud and cruel.

Why is he always here, in my haven?
Why is he always mocking me, in my haven?

I cross my arms in annoyance and I shift my weight to one foot.

Alex silences his laughing, he settles for simply looking at me.
Alex silences his laughing, he settles for simply sleepily smiling at me.

“Can I sleep here tonight?”

I blink at Alex.
I gawk at Alex.
I stare at Alex.

How does one boy manage to get into so many fights?

“Come on, Carson! I was just trying to make you laugh.”

I shake my head from side to side.

“No? You’re telling me you don’t laugh?”

I nod my head up and down.

“Everyone laughs, Carson.”

I shake my head from side to side once again.

I’m not everyone.
I’m Carson McCoy.
I do not laugh.

Alex stares at me.
I stare at Alex.
For minutes, he stares.
For minutes, I stare.

I can see the real Alex.
I can see the Alex who has chocolate diamonds for eyes.
I can see the Alex who is a generally caring person.

“So can I sleep here or not?” Alex barks, in his rude Alex way.

I motion toward the stairs.
I motion toward the stairs and walk away.
I motion toward the stairs and walk away, set on returning to the basement.
I motion toward the stairs and walk away, set on dancing.

&&

I cannot accurately describe how I feel when I dance.
I cannot accurately describe the way my feet seem to move faster than my brain.

It feels somewhat like a fire is burning inside of me.
It feels somewhat like electricity is flowing through my veins.

The music consumes me, it’s all I hear.
The music consumes me, I don’t think.

I just move.

The music stops, I stop.

“I hope you consider dancing outside of your basement.”

I snap my attention to the mirrors.
I snap my attention to Alex standing in the doorway.
I snap my attention to my feet.

My blood burns under my cheeks.

I never intended for anyone to see me dance again.
I never intended to dance again.

I shake my head from side to side.

“Why not? You have a ridiculous amount of talent.”

I cannot control my anger and frustration.

I stomp my foot.
I throw my arms out.
I glare at him.

“Big deal. You’re afraid of everything outside of your house. That’s not a good enough reason to stop you from going to school for dancing. You can get over it and do something extraordinary with your talent!”

My eyes open wide, no one has read me so easily.
My eyes open wide, no one has seen through me so easily.

I am confused.
I am Carson.