You're Gonna Love Me

It was pretty safe to say that I was no longer looking forward to spending my night at the Way’s today; quite frankly, I was just expecting it to be awkward. The whole ‘being civilized’ thing had been thrown out of the window now that I knew Gerard as good as hated me, honestly, I didn’t know what to be. I just wanted to go and hide somewhere, forever. If I couldn’t have him back, I didn’t want anything.

Everything was just a blur to me now. Most of the time I didn’t even know where I was, I kind of just went with the flow, spending the day lost in my thoughts. I didn’t even have the urge to skip class to go wallow in self pity somewhere. I just went along with my day, sitting in the back of class, paying no attention, doodling in my books, thinking, and when I wasn’t in class, I was just wandering around the school grounds, paying no real attention to anything. I didn’t even bother heading to the cafeteria for lunch, I headed for the field, and walked.

I was heading towards English after lunch, taking the long route behind the buildings, when I saw a figure in front of me, turning towards the Math classes. Due to his hasty exit yesterday, I hadn’t had the chance to make any kind of promises to Gerard, which basically meant this, was the perfect, open opportunity. I quickly changed direction, English holding no interest for me now – not that it held much in the first place.

“Oi! Carlson! I called as I headed after him, he spun around on his heel, smirking when he saw me coming.

“Aw, look at you trying to be all tough,” he mocked, I glared at him, and before he could open his mouth again, I had reached out and shoved him back into the wall. He let out a short laugh. “Aw, did I upset you? Why don’t you get your boyfriend to kiss it better?” he mocked.

“Now lets just get one thing straight here,” I told him in a low threatening tone, “Now you can do whatever the fuck you want to me, I don’t care, but you leave Gerard out of this. He has nothing to do with it.”

“He’s a fag, just like you,” Jake said softly, I took a deep breath, resisting the urge to punch him there and then.

“Actually no, he’s not. He’s as straight as a plank of wood, trust me. But even if he wasn’t, you leave him alone. If you have a problem with him, then you take it out on me, okay?” I told him, before leaning in and adding, “Unless of course it’s just because you’re jealous, because you know I’ll never want you in the way I wanted him. Trust me, jealousy is an incredibly unattractive trait, honey,” I whispered seductively. His expression hardened, and suddenly I was the one with my back pinned against the wall.

“Shut, the fuck, up.” Jake growled.

“Stay away from Gerard,” I warned, “Or I’ll be telling everyone what happened last semester.” I threatened, he hesitated for a moment before letting go of my shirt and stepping backwards, he opened his mouth to speak for a moment before closing it again, and hurrying away without a second glance. I smiled, watching as he disappeared. Like I said, he only had a problem with my sexuality, because he was denying his.

* * *

“Frank!” Mikey cried happily as he opened the door, I leant back in shock, Mikey had never been this happy to see me… ever… perhaps he was medicated. He stood back to let me in, closing the door behind me.

“Uhm… Hi,” I replied slowly as I followed him up the hallway, and into the lounge, but as soon as I stepped through the doorway, I froze, wanting to do nothing more than turn back and run away, but my feet refused to let me move anywhere. And just as Mikey collapsed into an armchair, Gerard – who was sat on the sofa - which just so happened to be the only other seat - on the other side of the room – looked up, his eyes widening with a mix of emotions I couldn’t read, when he saw me.

“Look, I don’t know what’s going on with you two, but, you’re both the best friends I have and I want to hang out with both of you, so can you just play nice for one night, please?” Mikey asked. I watched from my peripheral vision as his gaze flitted between me and Gerard as he spoke, although our eyes never left each others.

Gerard sighed, and shifted to the very edge of the sofa, folding his arms over his chest and tucking his knees up underneath him, changing his gaze to watching the occasional bird flit past the window. I turned to Mikey, who gave me a quick smile, which I returned, although mine was incredibly half-hearted, and I slowly headed to the couch, sitting down on the opposite end to Gerard, refusing to let my eyes drift over to him again.

“So, who wants takeout?” Mikey asked only to be greeted with a room full of silence and awkward glances. I sighed inwardly; it was going to be a long night.

* * *

After we’d gotten over the initial awkwardness of the evening – and Mikey took matters into his own hands to decide on movies, and takeout – things weren’t so bad, and we ended up eating Chinese food while watching whatever horror movie Mikey pulled out of his collection. But despite my earlier decision, I couldn’t stop my eyes from glancing in Gerard’s direction every now and again. His position had barely changed since I had arrived. He was still tucked away in the very corner of the sofa, although his legs were now crossed, and a plate of food was balanced on them, and he had unfolded his arms, but I think that was only so he could eat, not that he really ate anything. Honestly, I think he only had a few mouthfuls, and the rest of the time he just pushed his food around on his plate. And most of the time, he wasn’t even paying attention to the TV; he was either gazing out of the window, or at the floor, or at the wall behind the TV.

I didn’t particularly pay a lot of attention myself either. I ate... mostly, but that was just because I hadn’t eaten at lunch and I was starting to get hungry. And occasionally I let myself settle down and get into the movie, I did love a good horror… or a bad one, I wasn’t fussy. But most of the time, I just let my eyes glaze over, and gave myself to my thoughts. I was scared. For the first time in my life, I was genuinely scared. If I couldn’t get him back, I didn’t know what I was supposed to do.

*

It was around 2am when Mikey fell asleep, leaving Gerard and I sat in an awkward silence, but after a short while, he pushed himself up from the sofa and left without a word, or a backwards glance. I sighed sadly and pushed myself up, grabbing the remote from the floor and switching off the TV before heading back to the sofa, and sinking into the warm space that Gerard had filled not too long before. I sat for a moment, in complete silence, not even letting my thoughts surround my head, before settling down and letting myself drop into a somewhat decent sleep.

*

It was a loud clatter that woke me with a start, around and hour or so after I had drifted off, and then, someone cursed. I frowned, slowly pushing myself up and heading in the direction of the noise, still a little groggy from the sleep. I rounded the corner, stepping into the kitchen where Gerard was busy pulling things out of the fridge. I rubbed my eyes, and as I stepped forward the floorboard creaked underneath me, causing Gerard to jump, and then hit his head on an open cupboard door. He cursed again, turning around to face me.

“What the hell are you doing?” he snapped, rubbing his forehead.

“What are you doing?” I asked, glancing at the clock. “It’s 3 am and you’re eating?”

“It’s my house. I can do what the fuck I want.” He replied before turning back to the fridge. I smiled slightly as I realized.

“You’re not a horror fan, huh?” I asked, he didn’t reply. “You do know it’s not real? You’re not really going to get d-.”

“Shut up!” he hissed, cutting me off, I chuckled and he sent a cold glare flying my way.

“You can’t just not sleep-.”

“Watch me,” he muttered as he piled the food onto a plate, and grabbed three cans of soda. I sighed and crossed the room, grabbing his hands to stop him, but he quickly pulled them away. “Don’t touch me,”

“Y’know, all I was trying to do was be nice to you! What is so wrong with that? I just want to help! I just want to be your friend!” I told him, trying not to shout.

“Well I don’t want you to be my friend!” he hissed.

“That’s a lie and you know it!” I snapped back, “You feel something for me Gerard, whether it’s as a friend, or something more, it doesn’t really matter, the point is, you feel something. And you can’t just keep denying it!” I told him, he shook his head.

“You’re nothing to me.” He muttered. I swallowed, trying to ignore the sharp pain in my chest.

“If you really feel that way, then look me in the eye and tell me there’s nothing between us, no friendship, nothing.” I told him, my voice cracking slightly as I spoke, but I quickly brushed it off and composed myself.

“There’s nothing,” he whispered, his eyes darting around the room.

“Look me in the eye.” I repeated slowly, and after a deep breath, his eyes slowly met mine. He hesitated for a while, opening and closing his mouth several times, his eyes never once leaving mine. I waited, desperately hoping he wouldn’t say it, he couldn’t. And then, before I could even comprehend what was happening, his lips were on mine.

It was soft and sweet, but at the same time, filled with frustration, although who he was mad at, I wasn’t quite sure. He pulled away, his hands – which had seconds before been on my face – dropping to his sides as he stumbled back in shock, his eyes wide. He opened his mouth to speak, stuttering slightly before he rushed from the room. I wanted to go after him, but my feet refused to move as my heart thrummed furiously against my ribcage, my brain still desperately trying to piece everything together.

I finally managed to compose myself, and made the – probably very bad – decision to go after him. I slowly slipped down towards the basement, trying my best to be quiet. I stopped outside the door, debating on whether I should knock or not. I slowly reached up, letting my fist tap gently on the door.

“G-Gerard?” I asked quietly. No answer. I waited for a moment, before reaching for the handle and pushing the door open. I stepped into the room, which at a first glance I thought was empty. Until my eyes drifted over Gerard’s body, curled up in the corner of the room. His hands clenched into tight fists.

I slowly crossed the room, kneeling down beside him. I reached out, gently laying a hand on his shoulder; he tensed, before slowly lifting his head, letting his eyes meet mine briefly before they dropped to the floor.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t-. I’m sorry,” he was rocking back and forth now, his arms wrapped tightly around his legs.

“Gee, it’s okay,” I told him

“No. It’s not. We’re not. That shouldn’t have happened. It was a mistake.” He groaned, and I couldn’t help but feel disappointed. “Please go. Please just go,” he begged, running a hand through his hair.

“I’m not leaving.” I told him.

“Yes you are,” He said, although it sounded like more of a plea than a statement.

“No! I’m not. I’m still your friend, Gerard. Whether you want me to be or not, I’m staying.” I told him firmly, he shook his head again and began mumbling something I couldn’t understand, still rocking back and forth. I reached forward pulling him towards me and into a hug, and unlike I expected, he didn’t try to pull away, he just let me hug him. And we stayed that way, rocking back and forth, until he finally composed himself and pushed away, his eyes still refusing to meet mine.

“That shouldn’t have happened.” He repeated. “You need to go,”

“I’m not leaving you.”

“I need to sleep.”

“Like you’re going to be able to after those movies,” I commented, he bit his lip. I sighed and gestured to the bed. “Get in.” He hesitated for a moment, before pushing himself up from the floor and sliding in under the covers. I stood up myself and pushed the covers back, getting in beside him. He froze, his eyes widening. I rolled my eyes. “Gerard, I’m not going to rape you,” I told him, “Whenever I got scared when I was little, my mom used to let me sleep with her. Trust me, it helps, well, it helps if you stop being so tense all of the time anyway.” I told him, he frowned. “I’m not reading into anything,” I assured him, “Just trying to be helpful. If you still don’t want me in your life after this, then fine… I… I guess I’ll go.” I told him, trying to ignore the pain of the thought.

He watched me for a moment before nodding slightly and relaxing a little, settling down into the bed. I pushed myself down so I was lying back on the pillows, before turning to him and pulling him into a hug, ignoring him when he tried to pull away. “Just relax, okay? I’m not gonna hurt you. Do you want to sleep, or not?” And after a while, he finally relaxed and drifted off to sleep. I just wish I could have been that lucky.

I didn’t sleep again that night. And when nine am rolled around, I finally decided to get up, leaving Gerard sleeping comfortably. I headed up the stairs, closing the door quietly behind me, and heading back into the lounge, where Mikey was still sleeping. I sighed and picked up one of the cushions and tossed it in his direction. He jumped when it slapped him in the face, and seconds later, his eyes opened.

“What time is it?” he asked groggily.

“Nine,” I replied as I sat down on the sofa. He groaned, hugging the pillow to him and closing his eyes again. “Listen, I uhm… I’m gonna go…” I told him, not wanting to be here when Gerard woke up. He nodded. “I’ll… see you in school.” I added and pushed myself back up, heading for the door.

“He does care you know,” Mikey mumbled. I turned back, frowning. “Gerard.” He clarified, his eyes still shut tightly. “I know he’s being a bitch but… he cares. Just… bear with him…” And with that he was asleep again.

Quite frankly, I didn’t know if I could 'bear with him’ anymore.