You're Gonna Love Me

I groaned, resting my clammy forehead on the cool porcelain of one of the school toilets. I felt like complete shit, and my mother was anything but sympathetic this morning. Hence the reason I was having to empty my stomach in the school bathrooms, instead of my own. I had no recollection of what had happened, well, mostly. I remember being miserable and deciding to drink my problems away. And I remember my mom screaming at me when she found me, but apart from that, I’m blank. I pushed myself up again, leaning over the bowl just as I felt bile rise in my throat for the eighth time that morning.

I spent the majority of my morning just sitting in the bathroom, refusing to move just in case my stomach decided to put me through some more torture, as if I hadn’t had enough. It was coming close to lunch time when I finally decided to push myself up from the cold, hard floors and out of the cubicle. Heading over to the sinks, hoping that the cold water would… do something. I slowly looked up, squinting at my reflection in the cracked mirror. I looked almost as awful as I felt. I groaned, sliding to the floor in between the sinks, just as the door swung open, and a familiar pair of feet entered the room, stopping just in front of me.

“If you’re gonna make some smart ass comment, then just do me a favor and turn back around.” I moaned, folding my knees up to my chest and burying my head in between, but there was no response. I slowly lifted my head again, my eyes meeting his properly for the first time in days, he watched me for a moment, before sighing and dropping his bag onto the floor and crouching down beside me.

“Well this explains last night,” he muttered, mainly to himself as he examined my pale face. I frowned.

“What do you mean?” I asked hoarsely, he sighed.

“I got a very… explicit voice mail last night,” he replied, his gaze flitting around the room awkwardly, I groaned, leaning back against the wall, not wanting to think of the hundreds of things he could have heard.

“I’m sorry,” I whispered. “Whatever I said… I… I didn’t mean it… well, I don’t think I did. I was drunk. I don’t even remember doing it.” I apologized. He didn’t bother to reply, he simply stood upright again, and held his hand out to me, I slipped my hand into his and let him haul me up from the floor. He pulled a water bottle from his bag and handed it to me. I smiled slightly and took a long drink, before handing him it back. “Why are you being nice to me?” I asked. “If I were you, I would have gotten sick of me long before this.”

“I’m not sick of you,” he mumbled, so quietly I couldn’t be sure if that was exactly what he had said, but I was hoping. He sighed, his gaze flickering up to meet mine for a moment. “You’re annoying, and you’re a even more of a bastard than usual when you’re wasted, but… I’m not sick of you… not completely,” he admitted shyly. “I…when you stayed the other night… I… well it reminded me of why I liked having you as a friend so much in the first place. And I know I’ve been a bit of a prick recently…” he trailed off.

“Isn’t that supposed to be my speech?” I asked. He chuckled lightly, his eyes meeting mine for another brief moment, before he took a breath and spoke.

“Look I… I think… or rather I want us to just, forget everything, and start again. I want us to be friends. B-but, I think we just need to… wipe the slate clean, and make sure we know where we stand first.” He told me, and I couldn’t stop myself from smiling, any illness I’d been feeling quickly disappearing.

I was about to reply with the shrill tone of the school bell rang out through the corridors. Gerard glanced towards the door. “Are um… will you be okay?” Gerard asked, I nodded, he bit his lip for a moment before heading for the door, only to stop a few steps of it and turn back. “Can we meet after school? At the park?” he asked. I fought back a smile as I nodded again in response, the corners of his lips twitched upwards nervously before he disappeared from the room, letting the door swing shut behind him. I smiled to myself, maybe things were looking up.

And then my stomach lurched.

* * *

I was different. I could feel it. And I wasn't just talking about the queasy sensation I could still feel in the pit of my stomach. I don’t know what it was, but in between all the angst and the arguing and the constant making and breaking friendships, Gerard had done something to me. I felt, human. In fact, I just felt. Period. I wasn’t this uncaring pathetic arrogant bastard anymore. Well, most of the time anyway, I did still have my moments. But I cared now. Things hurt me in the way that they didn’t before, at least where he was concerned. I finally felt like myself. And although I didn't particularly enjoy all the angst and emotion, I liked what he had turned me into, and I just had to hope now, that he'd stick around long enough to see it.

I knew exactly what to expect with this conversation, and for once in my life, I full intended to comply. If I had to push my feelings – whatever exactly they were right now, because I wasn’t quite sure – to the side in order to be friends with him again, then that was exactly what I would do, because I needed him in my life, more than I wanted him in that way. Right now, his friendship was more important.

Due to the fact that I'd essentially spent the entire day in the bathroom, I reached the park long before he did, and set myself down underneath a tree, just across from the entrance, and waited. I was there for what seemed like hours, but after a brief check of my cell, it turned out, it was no longer than twenty minutes before I saw him emerge from around the corner. His pace slowed slightly when he saw me, but eventually he reached where I sat, and sat down beside me, neither of us saying a word for a long moment, before he cleared his throat and turned to me.

“We… I… uhm…” he stuttered, his eyes refusing to meet mine for any longer than a second. “We just… need to put everything in the past, and forget about all of the shit, and just… be normal friends. A-And, I think that-.” He said awkwardly, I smiled gently and cut him off, I knew what he wanted, we didn't need to each spiel out some long monologue about our feelings.

“Gee? I get it, okay? We’re just friends, everything’s forgotten.” I assured him. “I don’t want anything coming between us anymore. As much as I hate to admit it, I need you in my life… You’re my best friend.” I confessed. “I mean come on! I’m being all nice and considerate, and talking about feelings and shit, and that is just not me! There’s something about you. You just… bring out the best in me, and as annoying as it can be sometimes, I don’t want to lose that again.” I told him - so much for not talking about my feelings- , he simply looked at me for a moment, before a gentle smile graced his face.

“Me either.”