Marked with Silence

The walk to Sapphira’s apartment from the IHOP would take a little over ten minutes. Probably a little longer since I was walking so slowly. I hated him. I knew a lot of teenagers said that about their parents when they were pissed off and trying to be all angsty, but I actually meant it. I did. For most of the time I could muster apathy, for my mom’s sake. But right now, all I wanted to do back at the diner was scream at him with the full strength of my voice. I wanted to cause a scene—slam my fists on the table; break a dish; throw water in his face. But, I didn’t have the guts to do any of those things.

I just kicked at the sidewalk.

For the most part, I just took it. Whatever he said was word. I never really did anything to defy him. I was too scared. By far my dad was my deepest wound. I laughed a laugh without any real joy behind it—I had daddy issues. I could never trust him. After all, how could I? I couldn’t trust him to understand my problems. I couldn’t trust him when he said that the last move might be the last move. I couldn’t trust him to be my father. I couldn’t trust him with anything that concerned me.

And it hurt every time I saw Danny and him walk in from the garage smiling, having just come home from throwing the ball around or practicing lay-ups. Though it was sad to admit, I always resented Danny for his relationship with him. I always resented that I wasn’t in to sports. I always resented that my father didn’t know how to connect with me because of that.

My body forced itself to take deeper breaths. Breathing had gotten so hard.

What the hell am I going to say to Sapphira?

That was the thought that kept replaying in my mind. I was literally going to break her. Not just her heart, but her entire being. I was going to make her miss me. And I knew that she was filled to capacity with the amount of people that she was forced to miss. How am I going to tell her that I’m adding myself to that list?

She wouldn’t try to understand. She would never forgive me. She wouldn’t be able to find a way to trust me ever again.

…Not that it was reasonable for me to expect her to be able to.

My whole life for the past several months had been all about her. And I was pretty sure that she had made hers all about me. There was no way that this could end without both of us being destroyed. All I could do was keep wishing that it wasn’t going to destroy Sapphira completely. Although most of me knew that I was just bullshitting myself.

The cold air had done nothing for my lungs because I was choking on sobs. I just now realized that I was crying—no, bawling.

I ran up to the bus stop and kicked the side of the booth. And then I turned around so that my back was flat against the Plexiglas. I threw my hands up to my head. My world was still crashing.


“Hello?”

“Can you come outside?”

“What? Where are you?”

I kept shifting my weight from one foot to the other. I was terrified of facing her. “I’m outside your apartment building.”

“Really? Why?”

“I-I need to talk to you.” I damned my voice for breaking. She was sure to know that something was wrong now.

“Are you okay?” Her voice was soft, filled with concern.

“Could you please just come down?”

“Why don’t you just come up? It’s freezing,” she tried to reason.

I nodded, “Okay.”

Inside made a lot more sense. Sapphira would be a lot more comfy. Heat. A bed. Hard objects to throw at me.

I walked through the lobby extra slow. I tried to take everything in, my mentality being that this was the last time I was every going to walk through here.

When I was in the elevator I made sure to get myself collected. Having just cried minutes ago, I was sure that my face still showed signs of it.

My eyes shut; I didn’t want to think about anymore tears.

And before I knew it I was knocking at her door. I greeted her aunt and uncle. I followed Sapphira to her room. As soon as we were inside she turned around, shut the door, and then leaned towards me so that I was against it.

She scrutinized my face. “What’s wrong?”

I didn’t know how to begin.

It was weird; our roles had switched. Now she was the one trying to console me. Though I knew that everything was about to change in the next few moments.

“Did your dad do something?”

All I could manage was a nod. I felt dizzy. Incredibly dizzy. The room was spinning and the only thing in focus was her face. Her face that was so close to mine. And I knew that the concern on her beautiful face was going to change as soon as I said what I came here to tell her.

“What did he do?”

She reached a hand up and brushed her knuckles up and down my cheek.

Just say it. Don’t even think about it, I told myself.

“I’m moving.”

Sapphira jumped five feet away from me, as if contact suddenly started to burn her. I immediately missed the weight of her hips on mine, and the softness of her skin against my face.

“Where?”

“North Carolina.”

“When?”

“Three weeks.”

Her mouth fell open. And then her nose started to scrunch up. And then her eyes started to close. She bit her lip. And then she collapsed to the floor.

“Baby!” I yelled as I dove to hold her. “I am so sorry. But I don’t have a choice. I tried to make them let me stay, but…but I can’t.”

When her first sob erupted I immediately looked down at her. There was that face. Her eyes were tightly shut, and tears were streaming down pink cheeks.

“N-no. You can stay. You can stay here, with me.”

I shook my head, “I tried telling them that, but they won’t let me.”

She pushed me away and I fell to the floor on my back.

“Try harder!” she shrieked.

“You don’t understand.”

“Bullshit!” she exclaimed. She brought her legs up and held her knees to her chest. Her breathing was ragged.

“This doesn’t mean that we have to break up. We can call, and web cam, and text all the time.”

But I didn’t think Sapphira was listening. Now she was rocking back and forth on her tail bone. I looked at her gaze, her eyes were down to the floor.

“Sapphira?” I asked gently.

Her eyes snapped towards me. “Don’t you love me?”

My stomach felt like I had just gotten punched. The words she said, the sad voice she said it in, it was getting to be too much. “You know that I do.”

“Then don’t leave me. Fight to stay.”

I didn’t respond.

“So that’s it? You’re just going to leave.”

“I don’t have a choice,” I repeated in exasperation.

“You’re gonna make me mi-miss you?” she asked in a whisper.

And with those words it was as if no other sound in the world was being uttered. That question truly made me speechless.

Anger rose to her face like a heightening wave. She placed her hands flat on the ground and jumped up.

“Then I’ll start now you son of a bitch. Get out.” Sapphira jabbed her index finger towards the door.

“What?”

“Get out!” she shrieked.

“Sapphira, come on.”

Her eyes formed into a glare. I had never seen her so volatile.

“You should go, Jerome.”

I turned around to see Mr. Chadney in the door way. His face was somber as he titled his head towards the apartment door.

I looked back to Sapphira, whose demeanor hadn’t at all changed. And then I saw Mrs. Chadney standing at the opening of the hallway.

“Fine,” I gave in, “I’ll leave.”

I avoided the looks that Mr. and Mrs. Chadney were giving me as I made my way to the door. I didn’t realize until now that they probably heard most of the conversation.

I didn’t even look behind me when I reached my hand back to grab the knob. But my ears had to face Sapphira’s loud cry right before I managed to shut the door.