My Heart Is The Worst Kind Of Weapon

It was over a dinner of vegetarian pasta that I had to ask Frank a question I'd been wondering for a long time.

“What happened between you and a girl on tour that was so bad?”

Frank looked at me like I was mental and I flushed, realizing he probably didn't know what the heck I was talking about.

“It's just... Gerard told me a long time ago that you've been through tough times with girls on tour before. And I wondered, what happened that was so bad?”

Frank chewed his ravioli for a long time, staring at me. When he finally swallowed, he looked down at his plate and took another bite.

“You don't have to answer, if you don't want,” I said quickly, as he sat in silence for another minute, “I just-”

“No.” He finished chewing and looked at me again, his head tilted slightly to the side, making his hair fall over one eye. I resisted the urge to swipe it away.

He stared at me for another brief moment before exhaling deeply, “About two years ago, My Chemical Romance was touring the globe with a couple other bands. Green Day and Fall Out Boy. We were in Australia.”

He paused to take a sip of his Coke.

“Anyways, I had a girlfriend at the time. Jamia- that was her name.” He looked happy, as if he were reminiscing on good times, “I was in love with her. I wanted to marry her.”

I felt chills erupt over me. I had an idea where this story was going.

“I had everything planned out; how I was going to ask her, where I was going to ask her. I had everything reserved and set up. The day before I was going to propose I walked onto our tour bus, wondering where she was.”

Frank's eyes seemed bright as he continued to tell his story. I felt unnerved as he stared at me, unblinkingly.

“I opened the door to the back room and saw her there. Making love to Green Day's bassist, Mike Dirnt.” Frank laughed bitterly, “I don't think I need to say that we never got engaged. In fact, last I heard, Jamia and Mike are doing quite fine.”

He shook his head and began eating again. I felt a wave of sorrow engulf my body as I watched him. I wished I could relate to how it felt- having a broken heart- but I couldn't.

“I'm sorry.” I said quietly.

He looked up at me and a small smile crossed his face, “Ever since that day, two years ago, I've never been in a relationship again. I mean, I thought Jamia was The One. The One they say that once you find, to never let go of. I wanted her to be the one I fell asleep to, and woke up to. It's hard to get back into the dating scene when you've been burned so bad. But I have hope that one day I'll find the person I'm meant for.”

I looked at him, feeling suddenly so sad. I pushed my chair back and walked around the table to him. I knelt down and hugged him tightly. I couldn't believe that Frank, having been hurt so bad, was still open to the idea of loving, when I, who had never had a broken heart, couldn't deal with other guys liking me.

My heart felt like it was ripping in two when I remembered this lie I had been feeding everyone. Who was I to lie about love, when I've never felt the true sting of it before? There was no way I could tell Frank the truth about Dylan, even though I'd planned to tell him tonight. He would probably see me as a traitor. I would just have to keep this secret from the whole band. What they didn't know couldn't hurt them.

“I'm so, so sorry.” I whispered, and Frank leaned his head back and stared at me.

“For what? You never did anything.”

“I have.” I said, so quietly that he didn't hear, as I returned to my seat.