If I Only Had the Heart

“MOM?” the blonde yelled as she entered through the front door of her childhood home. “Anyone here?”

“Kitchen, baby doll.”

Kylie trekked through the house and made a left into the kitchen. Sure enough, her mother was standing at the counter kneading dough. “Whatcha’ makin’?” Kylie asked, curious.

Her mother smiled and turned around, enveloping her in a hug. “I’ve missed you!” she exclaimed, patting her daughter on the shoulder with her wrist so she wouldn’t get flour all over her.

Emily Abbott, with her curly brown hair and dark brown eyes, really did not resemble Kylie at all. Most people who didn’t know them would never know they were mother and daughter. Emily was rather shy and kept to herself, while Kylie was shy—to a point. She tended to get loud and excited when with people she was comfortable around while Emily was just plain shy. “Homemade bread to go with the spaghetti we’re having tonight.”

Kylie smiled. “Sounds delish, ma. Can we eat early though? I’m exhausted and want to get some rest before the show in Seattle tomorrow night.”

“Show?”

Kylie nodded, grabbing an apple off the island in the middle of the kitchen and hopping on top of it to sit. She crunched into the Granny Smith and said, “Yeah, the Fall Out Boy show? Jordan’s coming home for the week, so she begged me to go to that with her.”

Her mother nodded. “I see. Why didn’t you just stay in LA if Jordan was coming home? I mean, you’ve only been back from New Jersey for a few days.”

She shrugged, biting the apple again. “Because this way, Matt doesn’t know where I’m staying,” she mumbled to herself.

“Matt? That’s the boy you were with, right? The one who works for that band…” Emily trailed off, trying to remember.

“All Time Low?”

“That’s it!” she said, pointing to her daughter. “What does he have to do with this though?”

“All Time Low is on tour with Fall Out Boy, and therefore he will be there.” Kylie sighed. “I told you how I just left Jersey right?” Her mother nodded. “Well, it’s been almost a month and I haven’t heard anything from any of the guys, Matt included. But Alex, he sings in All Time Low, he texted me yesterday and told me they were playing right before Fall Out Boy in Seattle and he wanted me to come out. He said he and the guys missed me,” Kylie shrugged, “Minus Matt I’m assuming.”

“Is this a good idea sweetie?”

The blonde shrugged. “I have no freaking clue, mom. But Jordan said we should go and if the guys miss me and are this excited about when they play, I guess I’m going to go. I’ll be fine,” she assured her mother, even though she had no idea if that statement held a bit of truth or not.

***

“Matt!” Alex yelled at their tour manager. “Where are you?” the brunette yelled, his voice projecting throughout the length of their tour bus.

“I’m in my bunk, asshole.”

“Well, wakey wakey, eggs and fucking bakey!” Alex said, opening the curtain that hid Matt from the rest of the world.

“What do you want?”

“Nothing, just that no one knew where the hell you were.”

“Right here,” he mumbled, flipping onto his side to block out the sunlight. “I’m trying to get a little rest before the show tonight. I’m fucking beat and it’s only the… what? Sixth day of tour?”

Alex shrugged. “Fine, get some sleep. But the only reason you haven’t been sleeping lately is because you keeping screaming Kylie’s name in the middle of the night.”

“I do fucking not!” Matt protested adamantly.

“Whatever you say, brah . But yeah you do. You wake me up every night too. You wake up in a freak out, and then go to the lounge out front and work for the rest of the night.”

Matt mumbled a whatever before ripping the curtain out of Alex’s hand and shutting himself in his bunk again. He sighed. Yes, he dreamed about Kylie at night. But… they weren’t really dreams. They were more like nightmares, and each one freaked him out more and more. It wasn’t his fault though; he didn’t have any closure with her. She had packed up and left out of the blue, right as he was getting ready to completely and totally tell her how he felt about her.

Matt sighed and sat up. He obviously wasn’t going to get any sleep so he threw open the curtain of his bunk and almost jumped out of his skin when he saw Alex still standing there. The singer smirked. “Good, you’re getting up. Knew you would. We’re going to get something to eat. Want to come?”

He shook his head. “No, go ahead.”

Alex shrugged and left. After rubbing his face to try and wake himself up, Matt groaned and climbed out of the bed. “Maybe today will be easier,” he said to himself even though he barely believed it.

***

“Hey Kylie? You drive like a fucking grandma. I’ll drive us next time.” Jordan got out of the car and stood with her hands on her hips waiting for Kylie to do the same.

“Chill out, Jordan. We’re early as it is and I do not drive like a grandma!” she exclaimed, trying to plead her case. True, she drove extra slow to get here but that was only because she was worried about tonight. She figured the longer it took her, the longer she’d have to try and compose herself before seeing Matt again. It, of course, didn’t work.

“Look, I don’t know what the big deal is, babe,” Jordan commented as she flung her arm over Kylie’s shoulder and the two walked towards the back of the venue. Alex said he’d meet them there and then that way they could have VIP and backstage and all that fun stuff. “You look hot and you’re the one who left him. You have your dignity and you look smokin’ so what’s the big deal? We’ll just ignore Matt tonight. No biggie.”

Kylie rolled her eyes. Yeah, no biggie, she thought to herself. Although, Jordan was right about one thing. Kylie did look smokin’. In her ripped up jeans and her white tank splattered with multicolored paint, topped off with a black boyfriend cardigan, she looked good. Her hair was naturally wavy today and she had minimal makeup on, but it all just… fell into place. “Yeah, I guess,” she finally said to her cousin.

The two walked towards the bus area where all the tour buses were located at. They stood behind a barrier and Kylie called Alex. “What's up buttercup?” he answered.

“We’re here,” Kylie said simply.

“Fuck yeah! Jack and I will be right out.” Then, he hung up.

Kylie and Jordan didn’t have to wait long; soon, the lanky, uncoordinated guitarist and his best friend were barreling towards them at full speed, yelling the two girls’ names.

Jack and Alex both attacked Kylie first, then semi-politely said hello to Jordan. “We’ve missed the shit out of you, Ky!” Alex said first. She laughed at him and shrugged.

“It’s true, baby boo!” Jack backed him up. “Nothing’s the same without you bossing us around.”

She shrugged again, looking off into the distance. “I’m sure Matt’s doing a fine job of keeping you guys in line.”

Jack scoffed. “If you only fucking knew!”

All of them laughed and then Alex said, “Alright, let’s go. Rian and Zack wanted to see you too.”

Kylie nodded and then she and Jordan followed Jack and Alex towards what the two girls assumed was All Time Low’s bus.

As Jack and Alex climbed on the bus, Kylie and Jordan followed. “Guys! Kylie’s here!”

Rian came out first. “Kylie!” he exclaimed, embracing her in a hug. “I’ve missed you! It’s so much less calm around here without you.”

Kylie laughed and then hugged Zack too, who didn’t say much. He was busy checking out Jordan. It never ends, she thought to herself, shaking her head and smiling.

After a little bit of catching up, the guys said they had to go do sound check. “You’re probably safer on here than anywhere else. Matt hardly comes on the bus during the day while we’re sound checking,” Rian told the girls.

“Of course if he does, you can always hide,” Jack threw in.

Kylie rolled her eyes and told the guys to go do their thing. Once they were gone, she and Jordan both took seats on the couch in the lounge out front. “I can’t believe we came,” Kylie told her cousin.

Jordan laughed. “I know, right? I’m stoked though. It’s been awhile since I’ve been to a good show.” Kylie nodded in agreement. The only thing she wasn’t stoked on was sneaking around Matt. It wasn’t that she didn’t want to see him, although that was a part of it. It was more that she knew she couldn’t see him. She had left last, and if they were going to continue moving on they had to cut all forms of communication, even accidentally running into each other. So, was she testing the waters and taking a risk by being here tonight? Sure, but she figured she had to try.

After all, if she couldn’t survive one measly show without running into Matt, she was in for a lot of trouble.