If I Only Had the Heart

Kylie had been lucky for the most part that night. She realized she blended in rather well with everyone, and while Jordan was having a kickass time, she herself was enjoying herself too. Matt was busy and the few times Kylie did happen to see him, he hadn’t noticed her. She was counting her blessings that the night was going smoothly so far.

“Having fun?” Rian asked as he came up to her side.

She shrugged, taking a sip of her water. She watched as Jordan danced her ass off with some people she had met while Fall Out Boy played. “It’s fun, I’m just stressed.” She turned to Rian and smiled, nudging him. “But hey! You guys did fucking great.”

He smiled wide and nodded. “Yeah, it was amazing. The crowd’s intensity…” he trailed off, shaking his head slightly. “It just doesn’t get any better.”

Kylie nodded. Even though she had no idea what it felt like to be on stage like that, she knew where Rian was coming from. “You’re one lucky bastard, that’s for sure.”

Giving her one last cheeky grin, the drummer nodded. “I know.”

While the two took in Fall Out Boy’s set for a little longer, they were oblivious to the world. At least, Kylie was. She had let her watchdog attitude down for a couple minutes, and so of course she missed Matt standing behind her talking on his radio. She missed his string of profanities. She even missed when he first dropped the radio he had been talking in and the clatter it made when it fell to the floor.

She didn’t, however, miss when he grabbed her arm and turned her around. She felt like, had someone taken it, she would have been the perfect picture of the expression “deer in the headlights”.

“What the hell are you doing here?” he yelled over the sound of Patrick Stump’s singing.

Kylie looked to Rian for help, but he just shrugged. So, instead, she bit her lip and grabbed Matt’s arm, dragging him away from all the noise.

The two were quiet for a few minutes, but then Matt regained his voice. “Seriously Kylie, what are you doing here?”

“Jordan wanted to see Fall Out Boy, and I said I’d take her. It’s just a quick trip, Matt. I didn’t even plan on running into you but I guess I did and…” she trailed off. She was rambling.

“You left Jersey, Kylie. You left without –”

“Don’t go there Matt. You knew I was leaving,” she told him, but suddenly was hit with a fierce case of déjà vu. “Oh God,” she mumbled to her self, rubbing her face in frustration.

“Was it revenge?” Matt asked her suddenly.

“No! I just… honestly Matt, I didn’t want to lose the spot we were in. We were kind of friends again, and I didn’t want to screw that up. I knew if I left, then I’d be leaving a friend behind but at least I wouldn’t be losing a friend altogether.”

Matt shook his head. He couldn’t believe what he was hearing. He wanted to punch something. He hated to hear the word “friend” come out of her mouth so many times in so few sentences. It was slowly tearing him apart. “You do realize you did the exact thing you hated me so much for, right?”

“No, I didn’t,” she shook her head adamantly. “I left, but it was different Matt.” She sighed. “Look, I want to be friends, but if you don’t want that then I don’t know what I’m doing out here.”

She tried to walk by him, but he stopped her. “Friends?” he asked. There were a million hidden meanings to his question, but for now he wasn’t going to get into them.

“Only if you want to, Matt.”

He nodded slowly after a few minutes. “I guess we should try,” he finally told her. He knew that for right now, friends was all he was getting. If he was going to get Kylie to realize he really did miss her and want her back, he needed to start somewhere.

She smiled at him and leaned in for a hug. He reciprocated, only because he didn’t know what else to do. It was slightly stiff and awkward, but it was a start. As Kylie pulled back, she smiled again. “Thanks Matt.”

He nodded, even though he wasn’t sure what she was thanking him for. “Hey, wanna swing by the bus later? The guys will want to see you I’m sure.”

She laughed. “They know I’m here; Alex and Jack got me and Jordan in actually.”

He frowned at this fact. “Why did you hide from me?”

She gave him a knowing look. “Because I was afraid you’d hate me?”

He nodded, not wanting to go any further with the discussion. “Alright. I’m going to head back in. I’ll see you later?”

“Before you guys leave?” she asked, hopeful.

He smiled and nodded, then walked away.

His smile tugged at her heart and made her want to cry; she may not have wanted to be with him anymore, but being just friends might have been the worst suggestion she had all year.

***

It was raining in Seattle. “Surprise, surprise!” Kylie yelled at her cousin as the two ran through the rain, trying to reach All Time Low’s bus before they were completely soaked. The two girls laughed as they ran, not really caring. Sure, it was cold and sure, they were getting soaked. But Kylie had fun tonight, something she had missed.

Finally they reached the bus. The pounded on the doors and waited and waited for someone to answer. Luckily, Matt did. He quickly opened the door and stood to the side to let them in. “You’re soaked,” he stated obviously causing both girls to roll their eyes’.

“No shit,” Jordan mumbled, shaking her head like a dog shakes its body when it’s wet. “We’re in Seattle and it’s raining; what do you expect?”

Matt laughed and nodded. “I’ll get you some dry clothes, hold on,” he told them as he walked further back into the bus.

Kylie followed and Jordan followed her. They took seats on the edge of the couch, trying to keep it as dry as possible. “So where are the guys?” Kylie asked.

“Out signing for a little while,” he said as he came back out into sight. He handed over a couple towels and sweatshirts to each girl. “Not being a TM for a headliner makes things a lot easier on me, that’s for sure.”

“Is that why you’re here?” Kylie asked as she dried her hair with the towel and then slipped the hoodie over her head. It was black with Mickey on it; clearly, it was Matt’s. She didn’t have to see the print to know, though. She could smell his familiar clean scent as soon as she slipped the hoodie over her head.

He nodded. “Nothing much for me to do after we’ve loaded up. Except some business stuff, of course.”

Jordan smirked. “Oh, of course.”

Matt laughed lightly and then said, “So how long are you guys staying until? Few more hours, or are you leaving soon?”

Kylie looked at Jordan. Neither had any clue when they were leaving, although they knew they shouldn’t stay for long and for more reasons than just the roads would be slick from the rain. “Well, we shouldn’t stay probably. But we’ll hang around until the guys get back.”

Matt nodded and all three took seats. They caught up, mostly Jordan talked telling them both about her new place in Baltimore that she ended up getting despite Kylie and Matt’s unfortunate break up. Jordan didn’t mind filling the time with her own voice; she loved to talk, and seeing her best friend slash cousin sitting so close to her ex made her giddy. She needed the two to get back together, much like everyone else did.

Before any of them even realized, all four guys were hurrying back on the bus. Soon, echos of yelling and overall excitement and joy were heard coming from outside. Kylie smirked. “They’re baaaack.”

All the guys piled onto the bus, plus a few extras. Every one of the All Time Low camp was shocked to see Kylie sitting with Matt. “You good?” Alex asked her, knowing she’d know what he meant.

She nodded.

He smirked back and said, “Good, because now it’s time to party.”

***

The party as they were calling it was relatively quiet and laid back, considering. Kylie was okay with that. She only had an hour left with everyone and she wanted to make the most of it. As she was getting some rum and Coke, she noticed Matt standing on the other end of the bus. He was standing with some girl. A pang hit Kylie and she immediately recognized the jealous feeling. She wanted to vomit, though. She hated being jealous. She just wanted to be over it, over everything.

Matt caught her eye from across the space the spread between them. He waved her over.
She smiled a small smile and walked over, not sure what else to do. “Hi,” she said.

The brunette standing next to him smiled. “So you’re the infamous Kylie?”

She cocked her head to the side slightly, confused. “Hmm?”

“Matt’s told me about you, a lot about you.” The mystery girl stuck her hand out and smiled. “I’m Anna.”

Matt jumped in to fill in the blanks, knowing that Kylie wouldn’t know who Anna was. “Anna is helping out with merch for the tour.”

She nodded. “I’m also Matt’s ex, and a good friend of his. Which he failed to mention just now,” she laughed, hitting the boy.

Kylie smiled, but her inside’s churned. Anna and Matt talked a little while she looked on, slightly envious.

“Matt!” someone called out.

“Duty calls, I guess,” he said, frowning. He clearly didn’t want to leave, but had to. “I’ll be back,” he told both girls to which they both nodded.

Once he left, Anna smiled. Kylie took a second to take in the girl in front of her. She was friendly and not at all overpowering or intimidating. She had long brown hair that fell in soft waves around her face. In her jeans that hugged her curves, she looked even taller than her already tall five-ten frame. Her blue eyes were welcoming Kylie, like a long lost friend. “I need to talk to you, my dear,” Anna said, pulling Kylie to the surprisingly empty back lounge. She shut the door and had Kylie sit. “So, you and Matt are no more, huh?”

Kylie shrugged. “Yeah, no more.”

Anna took a seat next to Kylie. “Okay, listen to me for a few minutes. I have some advice to give you and I need you to just be quiet and listen. Can you do that?”

Kylie gave her a funny look, but nodded.

“Matt told me about you guys’ situation. I’m really the only girl on this tour, next to Vicky T, but she doesn’t count. So he told me, and let me tell you something: I’ve been there. Matt and I dated, and I know what it’s like to date a touring guy. It’s really hard. I personally couldn’t handle it, especially when I would be touring too. It’s way too difficult. But you’re different. You both are. But, you need to make a decision. Not Matt, not your friend who came here with you, not Alex or Rian or any of those guys. You. You know what that decision is?” Kylie shook her head, wondering if she should take back her previous thought that this girl wasn’t intimidating.

“You need to decide what you want. Don’t complicate things, don’t think it over too much. Just… decide if you want him or not. Is it easier to be without him or be with him? Does it hurt more when he’s gone and you have him or when he’s here and you know you can’t have him?” Anna patted Kylie’s arm lightly. “Everything may seem really difficult and complicated, and sometimes you’re probably wondering if you made the right decision, right? Well, here’s my advice you you: simplify it. If something is so confusing that you can’t make a decision on something, then simplify things so they are easy to figure out. Not everything has to be complicated. In the end Kylie, it all comes down to whether you need him or not. Forget about any of the hurt, and any of the previous bad things and just ask yourself this: do you need Matt to be there for you, really be there for you, or not? If the answer is yes, then you’ll figure the rest out eventually.” Anna took a breath from her speech and smiled sheepishly. “Sorry, that was kind of long winded. I tend to get that way. Matt always hated that about me,” she laughed.

Kylie was quiet.

“I’m sorry, this is problem so weird to you. But, Matt’s my friend and he’s told me so much about you. And since I’ve been there, dating the touring boy, I figured I’d throw in my two cents. Hopefully it helped?”

She smiled a little and nodded. “It did.” Anna was right. It all came down to whether Kylie needed Matt or not. Nothing else mattered.

Now she just had to make up her mind.