Destroyed by Your Lack of Sympathy
I've Elected Hell Hiding From Myself.
Day 4 ((It's in the morning))
She asked me what had happened again. I could feel my heart thumping quickly within my chest. "Shadow..."
Shadow looked up at me and saw my terrified look. She kissed me softly, but I still could not calm down. I reluctantly began telling her about my life. "When.... Well, when I was... When I was thirteen, my mother died. My mother and father being a couple of S+M.... My mother being the submissive, dying, meant my father had to find a new submissive. There were no other females in the house, hell there wasn't even other guys. I...."
I paused slightly, hearing my dead father's voice resound in my head. You stupid little girl... I never even wanted you. I hate you. Get on your fucking knees.
I shuddered, then continued as Shadow looked at me questioningly, willing me to go on. "Needless to say I became the new submissive because it was too risky for my father to go get a new one. He had forced me to get a surgery, so I couldn't have kids. At fucking thirteen! Needless to say the doctors went through with it and the torture began."
I paused again, the concern evident on Shadow's face. My father's voice once again resounded through my head, that damned voice still haunts me. I said, on your fucking knees! If I say it again, I won't hesitate to whip you senseless, Mistake!
"Well....My new name be....bec...became Mistake. He would cut at me, whip me, fuck me..."
I could barely hold back tears. Silly little bitch. Suck me off, or you get more whips, and I'll fuck you as well.
"Every night. It didn't matter if I was a complete bitch or an angel. He always found a flaw. The bacon was too crispy, or the eggs were cold, or the hamburger was too well done, or the laundry wasn't clean enough.... The day I remember vividly is-"
My breath caught in my throat. I was once again in my memory. Get up, girl. I said get the fuck up, mistake!
I closed my eyes for a second, taking a deep breath. I re-opened them and looked at her, tears now streaming down my face in little trails of eyeliner and pain. "The day he whipped me 37 times, leaving me to bleed to death in the center of the lime-green carpet of the living room. I was 16...The pain was so bad... I-It hurt so bad.... He had fucked me, then cut me, then whipped me..."
I closed my eyes, unable to look at the beautiful girl beside me. I began to lose myself in the telling. I couldn't see her anymore anyway, what I saw was myself laying in the bloody heap of meat and bone on the carpet. The
The pukey color of the walls were too bright, the pain so bad. I hate you father. I hate you so much. I could feel my heart beat as I lay there on my side. Willing my heart to give up. Too exhausted for tears. A woman appeared beside me, smiling slightly. A glow was around her. She whispered two words in my ear. They made me shiver. "Kill him."
The woman was my mother, I knew this. She had dissappeared, though her scent was still around me. Willing me to get up. Willing me to stand. I got up drunkenly, the pain almost unbearable, through I could feel a fiery rage pulsing through me. What I scream into the humid summer air of the old house is- WHATYOU DID TO ME! AND WHAT I'LL DO TO YOU! YOU GET! WHAT EVERYONE ELSE GETS! YOU GET A LIFETIME!"
The scream resounds through the house and I can feel the rage rear it's ugly wolfish head inside of me. Without a thought, a grab the knife laying beside me, then press my naked bloody form against the puke colored wall. Laughing maniacally, unable to keep my eyes widening like a mad man's. My father walked into the room. "What in the-"
I cut him off, by plunging the knife deep into his arm. "You...."
He looked at me, suddenlty frightened of me, my insanity taking control, my broken and battered body now seemingly quicker, stronger, and more animate than ever before. I could feel no pain, no I was too far into my madness for that. "You're gonna die..."
The last word came out softly at first, then slowly rose higher until it became a roar, then I pulled the knife out of his arm and sliced his throat. I collapsed in relief as he fell backward, his head dangling loosely from his neck. I'll never forget the look on his face- utter shock and horror.
I had killed my father.
I opened my eyes, not in my own personal hell, but in the arms of my lover, my beautiful girl friend, safe in the eating area of the tour bus. I looked at Shadow and whispered, "The funny thing is.... the very statement I used when my life was in ruins, is used by the band that's repeatedly saved my life..."
Shadow looked at me, genuine shock playing on her features. I curled into a ball and put my head on her lap. I whispered softly, "Sometimes I wish I were dead... I swear I had the gun in my mouth, Shadow. But look at me now. I'm sitting here with you, a major worker for FUSE, in my favorite van's tourbus, and soon-to-be famous singer. I have it made, and I;m all the things he said I couldn't be."
Shadow said nothing, just stroking her hands through my hair.
She asked me what had happened again. I could feel my heart thumping quickly within my chest. "Shadow..."
Shadow looked up at me and saw my terrified look. She kissed me softly, but I still could not calm down. I reluctantly began telling her about my life. "When.... Well, when I was... When I was thirteen, my mother died. My mother and father being a couple of S+M.... My mother being the submissive, dying, meant my father had to find a new submissive. There were no other females in the house, hell there wasn't even other guys. I...."
I paused slightly, hearing my dead father's voice resound in my head. You stupid little girl... I never even wanted you. I hate you. Get on your fucking knees.
I shuddered, then continued as Shadow looked at me questioningly, willing me to go on. "Needless to say I became the new submissive because it was too risky for my father to go get a new one. He had forced me to get a surgery, so I couldn't have kids. At fucking thirteen! Needless to say the doctors went through with it and the torture began."
I paused again, the concern evident on Shadow's face. My father's voice once again resounded through my head, that damned voice still haunts me. I said, on your fucking knees! If I say it again, I won't hesitate to whip you senseless, Mistake!
"Well....My new name be....bec...became Mistake. He would cut at me, whip me, fuck me..."
I could barely hold back tears. Silly little bitch. Suck me off, or you get more whips, and I'll fuck you as well.
"Every night. It didn't matter if I was a complete bitch or an angel. He always found a flaw. The bacon was too crispy, or the eggs were cold, or the hamburger was too well done, or the laundry wasn't clean enough.... The day I remember vividly is-"
My breath caught in my throat. I was once again in my memory. Get up, girl. I said get the fuck up, mistake!
I closed my eyes for a second, taking a deep breath. I re-opened them and looked at her, tears now streaming down my face in little trails of eyeliner and pain. "The day he whipped me 37 times, leaving me to bleed to death in the center of the lime-green carpet of the living room. I was 16...The pain was so bad... I-It hurt so bad.... He had fucked me, then cut me, then whipped me..."
I closed my eyes, unable to look at the beautiful girl beside me. I began to lose myself in the telling. I couldn't see her anymore anyway, what I saw was myself laying in the bloody heap of meat and bone on the carpet. The
The pukey color of the walls were too bright, the pain so bad. I hate you father. I hate you so much. I could feel my heart beat as I lay there on my side. Willing my heart to give up. Too exhausted for tears. A woman appeared beside me, smiling slightly. A glow was around her. She whispered two words in my ear. They made me shiver. "Kill him."
The woman was my mother, I knew this. She had dissappeared, though her scent was still around me. Willing me to get up. Willing me to stand. I got up drunkenly, the pain almost unbearable, through I could feel a fiery rage pulsing through me. What I scream into the humid summer air of the old house is- WHATYOU DID TO ME! AND WHAT I'LL DO TO YOU! YOU GET! WHAT EVERYONE ELSE GETS! YOU GET A LIFETIME!"
The scream resounds through the house and I can feel the rage rear it's ugly wolfish head inside of me. Without a thought, a grab the knife laying beside me, then press my naked bloody form against the puke colored wall. Laughing maniacally, unable to keep my eyes widening like a mad man's. My father walked into the room. "What in the-"
I cut him off, by plunging the knife deep into his arm. "You...."
He looked at me, suddenlty frightened of me, my insanity taking control, my broken and battered body now seemingly quicker, stronger, and more animate than ever before. I could feel no pain, no I was too far into my madness for that. "You're gonna die..."
The last word came out softly at first, then slowly rose higher until it became a roar, then I pulled the knife out of his arm and sliced his throat. I collapsed in relief as he fell backward, his head dangling loosely from his neck. I'll never forget the look on his face- utter shock and horror.
I had killed my father.
I opened my eyes, not in my own personal hell, but in the arms of my lover, my beautiful girl friend, safe in the eating area of the tour bus. I looked at Shadow and whispered, "The funny thing is.... the very statement I used when my life was in ruins, is used by the band that's repeatedly saved my life..."
Shadow looked at me, genuine shock playing on her features. I curled into a ball and put my head on her lap. I whispered softly, "Sometimes I wish I were dead... I swear I had the gun in my mouth, Shadow. But look at me now. I'm sitting here with you, a major worker for FUSE, in my favorite van's tourbus, and soon-to-be famous singer. I have it made, and I;m all the things he said I couldn't be."
Shadow said nothing, just stroking her hands through my hair.