Don't Blame Me for Being Me

The game was amazing. It was very funny and interesting. I wasn’t at KVN games for a long time. So I was enjoying watching a show players made. Maximum and Piramida won both taking the first place together. So, it’s a good reason to celebrate. But no matter, players have parties after each game (don’t scare, games hold two or three times a month). And I was gonna be at such party too!
The club, players celebrate another successful game, is named Scvorechnik. Some words about this place. There is a room with three big tables with plenty of food and drinks. Tables are placed along the walls as well as chairs. Dance floor is in the middle of the room, between tables. Smoking room is outside that room. Corridors are crowded by players at KVN parties ‘cause people doesn’t wanna just sit. Parties pass till a deep night or early morning. But taxi always place around the club to drive drunken KVN players to their hotels.
So the game ended. I stayed waiting for my boys in a foyer. My cousin was with me there for a while but then went away saying goodbyes to me hearty. I promised one more time to visit him and his family. So I was left alone. The audience was slowly going out from the hall being merry and laughing. I called Andrei. He promised to take me. The team was in its dressing room yelling something about its victory. I was afraid to be forgotten. Though I was not for the first time in CATRA. I know where dressing rooms are. But I didn’t want to wander somewhere at backstage alone. So I decided to except Andrei. Some fans were waiting for players standing next to me. After a minute I saw Dima coming to me. I began walking towards him. But we couldn’t meet. He got surrounded by dense circle of fan girls and just teenagers, which were asking him for photos and autographs. I laughed. Dima obeyed and spent a good half of an hour posing for fans’ cameras and writing autographs. Then he had to stop that session. He could go out of the crowd. I walked towards him laughing. He took my hand and led me at the backstage fastly and notwithstanding girls’ yells asking Dima for one more pic or something else. So we got into a backstage corridor.
“why did you come? You could just call me by a mobile. As if I don’t know this backstage. You should just tell me where your dressing room is”, I said.
“why am I the most recognizable from the team?” it was a question that doesn’t need an answer.
“I remember that I hadn’t been able to walk normally with you and Andrei at once. Each our step had been with three or five fans around”, I said.
“yeah. I can’t walk normally with your Andrei”, Dima replied.
“he’s not mine”, I said firmly. I don’t like such mentions about my ex-s.
“ok, sorry. Just watching you two now is-”
“is nothing, Dima”, I ended for him. “it’s in past. It’d been so much time ago. and time can’t be turned back. we have different ways. I’ve been with other people . and him…how much girls he had after we broke up? Not the one dozen”.
“yeah, more than that”, Dima replied.
“thanks for the truth. Though I don’t need-”, I smirked.
“look, I’d known your relationships very good. Andrei and you either were telling me your problems and your happy moments. And I know my friend. No one from those dozens couldn’t compare to you. And, fuck, he knows it”, he just shocked me by such information.
“Dima, I’ll go away now. Do you understand what you’re talking to me about?!”
“I understand. I just say to you the real reason he dialed you two days ago”, he replied so simply.
I stopped our going. “How he can be so easy? Fuck, it’s serious. Does it mean Andrei still have…these…feelings to me?” I thought. “no, no, no. it’s false, it’s awkward, it’s wrong, it’s damn unfair!” I felt that, hell, I wanted it to be true.
“relax. I just want two my friends to have a good time here”, Dima said.
It was like permission, an easy permission, to be a kind of whore.
“what do you mean saying ‘a good time’”, I asked and kept going.
“you guess”, he answered fuzzy.
“Dima, I’m here not for this”, I replied.
“You think so?”
What a tricky question. And I didn’t know what to say.
***********************************************************
I met all the team in the dressing room and said congratulations to them. Then our merry company, which consisted of Maximum players, boys from Piramida and girlfriends of some players, walked out from CATRA and drove to the club. There were other players, who took part in today game and who are just players and members of KVN. I decided I needed to be surrounded by Caucasus attention and care. So I set boys from Piramida around me. Andrei was always somewhere near as well as boys from Maximum. I was drinking that boys were pouring into my glass. We had much fun sitting together. I met some old pals at our party. One of such meeting was loud and funny to others. The boy I met was Alex. He’s the funniest person I’ve ever known. So it’s not surprise we had become friends then. I was happy to see him at the party. He walked to the part of a table I was sitting at with Andrei next to me, my married Aslan was at left and Dima was at other side of the table. I saw Alex and rapidly got up rushing towards him. We hugged each other yelling our names. It means we greeted each other. In order to speak with him I set him on my chair and sat on Andrei’s lap in spite of his weak protest. We started talking. We were doing it fastly and interrupting each other. We came to conclusion we should keep contact. That’s why we exchanged notes with our addresses, e-mails and numbers of our mobiles. Somewhere after 15 minutes I heard a song (people was already dancing). It was ‘Gimme more’ and I pulled Alex to dance. But a little problem was in front of us. As I wanted to get at the dance floor immediately, it was a bad thing that our seats were along a wall. In addiction, there was a crowd next to the end of the table. It means the shortest way to the dances was under the table. So, of course I crawled under the table. The song and dance was more important. Alex did the same following me to the dance floor. Many people laughed at us. In a good way. So we began dancing. After a while I sat on Dima’s lap teasing him in the rhythm of the music. He was smiling. The I remembered he’s married (why not that fact I has a bf somewhere in this world?).
“fuck, I forgot you have a wife. How’s she?” I said leaning down close to him in order to give him hear.
“I hope she’s fine. But, Ira, you’re two days with us and particularly with me. How did you not notice I’m free man. Polina (name of his wife) and me divorced four months ago”, he replied and showed his hand without wedding ring on his finger.
“really? Sad. She’s nice”, I spoke being surprised a little.
“you know, to be married with kvn player is hard. Not everybody can go through it”, he said sadly.
“to be just a girlfriend is difficult too”, I said and looked up. I noticed Andrei looked at me. “Andrei’s watching us”, I simply stated.
“he’s doing it for these last two days you’re here”, Dima replied.
I got up and went away into smoking room. To know Andrei watching me is…um…dangerous sensation. I found myself that I don’t think about our past. Not as I want it to come back. And as I want to know something new. But the most of all I wanted not to lose the rest of my prudence not stopping to drink much.
I don’t remember how we all reached the hotel. Somehow. Entering one of the hotel rooms the team occupied I took off my shoes immediately.
“oh, my feet”, I whined.
“I did ask you to stop dancing and running in and out of the smoking room”, Andrei smirked.
“I was speaking with the people”, I replied with a proud voice.
Guys laughed. Misha led his girl to another room and locked a door. Andrei and me stayed alone.
“where’s my bed?” I asked curiously.
“well, in a bedroom”, he gestured. “I’ll sleep here, at this narrow and inconvenient couch. Ok, I agree”, he sighed jokingly.
I laughed, grabbed my purse and walked to the bedroom unsteady.
“oh, you need take a blanket and smth else”, I said opening a door.
He nodded. We both entered the room. He took one blanket from my then bed leaving me another one. I took off my sweater and sat on the bed. When he was in a doorway, he turned to me.
“you’ll sleep?”, he asked.
I slightly nodded.
“whatever you want”, he said and walked out.
I didn’t completely understand if it was a hint or it just seemed to me. The war inside me was going hard. Eventually one side won. I walked out of my room. Andrei was making a bed for him.
“I don’t…wanna…sleep”, I said pacing carefully. He stood straight. There was so quiet in the room. We heard our breathings. When I stepped very close to him, I whispered “I wanna be with you” or something like that. I don’t remember clearly because of quantity of alcohol I drank. So I don’t remember the way to the hotel, some events of party and my words then in the room. But oddly I remember his look… He raised me a little and kissed. Running into walls, chairs, tables and another furniture we got into the bedroom without breaking kissing.
“are you sure?”, he asked taking off his shirt.
I laughed lowly.
“it’s late to think”, I replied helping him with my pants.