Don't Blame Me for Being Me
Chapter 24 Make me feel it’s not too late, it’s never too late (we start playing our love again and
It was two days after. A door bell rang and I came up to open. The first I saw was Jon. I hugged him not hiding my joy to see him there. Then I glanced right and … there was Brendon. He was standing leaning against a wall of my house. I let Jon go and looked at Brendon more attentively.
“what an important person visited my miserable house!” I said with irony pointing at Brendon.
He looked at me from under his forehead. I smiled at Jon and let them in anyways.
“Jon, excuse me, but what the fuck did you-“, I wanted to swear at him for bringing Brendon here.
“Ira, don’t speak please and listen to me! You both need to talk and make clear the whole your thing. I don’t care if you don’t think you need it. Just…just talk to each other. Guys, you’re my friends. At least do it for me. Cause, fuck, I’m tired of such your state”, Jon said.
“if he has something to tell, so…”, I shrugged off and sat on a couch.
“stop talking about me as if I’m out”, Brendon said.
I made myself look at him. “Fuck, I missed his mug. Really. I just didn’t know that”, I thought. Jon pushed him to sat on the couch next to me and walked out at a backyard with words “I haven’t greeted Dasha yet”.
“there’s also Spence living with us”, I yelled to him.
After some minutes of complete silence and looks away I said “how are you?”
“fine. Not completely…slightly…have some problems… business problems”, he replied rubbing his left arm below the elbow.
“uhuh… Why did you come?” I asked.
“to talk. I don’t like situation we’re in”, he said.
“we’re no longer ‘we‘. Our relationships had their end”, I said shyly and firmly in the same time.
“What? We didn’t break up. Or I missed something? That…scene in airport was just a quarrel. I-“
“so then you should say it to me to make me not consider we split up. We left each other then. It looked like this and was clear for all people who were there. Cause we were shouting and not going to quiet ourselves. Only you were sincerely sure we had a little quarrel”, I said last sentence with an irony.
“yeah, we just quarreled”, he affirmed.
“don’t you think we had too much rows?” I asked seriously.
He fell in silence.
“so I think. And I’ve thought about it. and I’ve said it to you not one time. You don’t hear me. or may be just don’t wanna”, I said.
“you’re right”, he replied.
I looked at him.
“we’re pretty noisy couple”, he said and smiled with some hope, I guessed.
I made a tired smile.
“no matter. I don’t think we’re still couple”, I said.
“I don’t believe you want it”.
“know what? Sometimes you’re too confident about things you don’t surely know”, I replied.
His smile disappeared at once.
“no, Ira, don’t say that. We don’t break up. We can’t. I can’t. You…can?” we stared at each other.
“Really? I can?” there was one and only thought that was spinning in my mind.
I sighed and got up.
“Bren, it’s just…it’s not that I want it. Just I feel I’m going to that state when I won’t care whether I’m with you or no. it’s awful, I know. Just I understood I become a kind of hysterical substance when we’re together. I start rows, quarrels, any hysteria. I sincerely don’t want it. I’m a normal well-balanced person. But when you ask me about my male friends another time…I don’t know…it’s so annoying. Understand, it’s annoying when your beloved man doesn’t trust you. You’re unconfident in my feelings. It’s hard to bear…I mean it…was hard”, I fell in silence and looked at him.
“I didn’t expect such your words when I was going here. I was like “fuck, we had another fight, I should do some step forward”. Cause I got used to it. Cause I thought you took offensive. And now it’s not that I wanted to hear…so…make me get you clear. You blame me?”
“no”, I shook my head. “of course it’s nice to make peace. But…I think number of it shows number of fights. Am I right?”
He got up and came close to me.
“Bren, I just don’t know what’s after. It’s so difficult to us to be together”, I smiled.
“just answer me one question. You wanna change it for good?” he cupped my face.
We were looking at each other for some minutes until I felt I was ready to say “yes”.
*******************************
Yes, I wanna. I got used to him. His chocolate eyes and his love convinced me. I still have feelings to him. He has too. Though he always has. It’s just something wrong with me may be. It’s just me. I can’t get in order my feelings.
“what an important person visited my miserable house!” I said with irony pointing at Brendon.
He looked at me from under his forehead. I smiled at Jon and let them in anyways.
“Jon, excuse me, but what the fuck did you-“, I wanted to swear at him for bringing Brendon here.
“Ira, don’t speak please and listen to me! You both need to talk and make clear the whole your thing. I don’t care if you don’t think you need it. Just…just talk to each other. Guys, you’re my friends. At least do it for me. Cause, fuck, I’m tired of such your state”, Jon said.
“if he has something to tell, so…”, I shrugged off and sat on a couch.
“stop talking about me as if I’m out”, Brendon said.
I made myself look at him. “Fuck, I missed his mug. Really. I just didn’t know that”, I thought. Jon pushed him to sat on the couch next to me and walked out at a backyard with words “I haven’t greeted Dasha yet”.
“there’s also Spence living with us”, I yelled to him.
After some minutes of complete silence and looks away I said “how are you?”
“fine. Not completely…slightly…have some problems… business problems”, he replied rubbing his left arm below the elbow.
“uhuh… Why did you come?” I asked.
“to talk. I don’t like situation we’re in”, he said.
“we’re no longer ‘we‘. Our relationships had their end”, I said shyly and firmly in the same time.
“What? We didn’t break up. Or I missed something? That…scene in airport was just a quarrel. I-“
“so then you should say it to me to make me not consider we split up. We left each other then. It looked like this and was clear for all people who were there. Cause we were shouting and not going to quiet ourselves. Only you were sincerely sure we had a little quarrel”, I said last sentence with an irony.
“yeah, we just quarreled”, he affirmed.
“don’t you think we had too much rows?” I asked seriously.
He fell in silence.
“so I think. And I’ve thought about it. and I’ve said it to you not one time. You don’t hear me. or may be just don’t wanna”, I said.
“you’re right”, he replied.
I looked at him.
“we’re pretty noisy couple”, he said and smiled with some hope, I guessed.
I made a tired smile.
“no matter. I don’t think we’re still couple”, I said.
“I don’t believe you want it”.
“know what? Sometimes you’re too confident about things you don’t surely know”, I replied.
His smile disappeared at once.
“no, Ira, don’t say that. We don’t break up. We can’t. I can’t. You…can?” we stared at each other.
“Really? I can?” there was one and only thought that was spinning in my mind.
I sighed and got up.
“Bren, it’s just…it’s not that I want it. Just I feel I’m going to that state when I won’t care whether I’m with you or no. it’s awful, I know. Just I understood I become a kind of hysterical substance when we’re together. I start rows, quarrels, any hysteria. I sincerely don’t want it. I’m a normal well-balanced person. But when you ask me about my male friends another time…I don’t know…it’s so annoying. Understand, it’s annoying when your beloved man doesn’t trust you. You’re unconfident in my feelings. It’s hard to bear…I mean it…was hard”, I fell in silence and looked at him.
“I didn’t expect such your words when I was going here. I was like “fuck, we had another fight, I should do some step forward”. Cause I got used to it. Cause I thought you took offensive. And now it’s not that I wanted to hear…so…make me get you clear. You blame me?”
“no”, I shook my head. “of course it’s nice to make peace. But…I think number of it shows number of fights. Am I right?”
He got up and came close to me.
“Bren, I just don’t know what’s after. It’s so difficult to us to be together”, I smiled.
“just answer me one question. You wanna change it for good?” he cupped my face.
We were looking at each other for some minutes until I felt I was ready to say “yes”.
*******************************
Yes, I wanna. I got used to him. His chocolate eyes and his love convinced me. I still have feelings to him. He has too. Though he always has. It’s just something wrong with me may be. It’s just me. I can’t get in order my feelings.