Don't Blame Me for Being Me

The week after my birthday.
Today I found out I would be busy this weekend. It means I wouldn’t get to Brendon. I called him and shared with that information. We both got upset, of course. As for me I just got used to be with my bf at weekends. And now just some fucking deals don’t allow me to do it!
It was Saturday. It was my hatred to myself…
Well, I got free at last moment. It was late afternoon when I went out of my univer still not believing I could manage all my deals. I fastly caught taxi and drove to an airport. I called Bren. His mobile was switched off. I sighed. “Anyways, he’s in Vegas. I’ll try to call him after arriving”, I thought. To my happiness flight to Vegas scheduled to be in some minutes. I immediately bought the ticket, came through registration and get into the plane.
When I arrived to Las Vegas the first thing I did was to dial Bren again. And again there was no reply. his mobile was still switched off or out of the coverage as unpleasant woman’s voice said to me. I swore. If at least to know his address…I should find out his address. That’s why I called Spence.
“hey, Spencie! How are you? Recognize me?” I said.
“of course, Ira. What’s up?” I heard his voice.
“I need Bren’s address. Just imagine, I still don’t have it. I’m in Vegas now. His mobile is switched off. I don’t know where to go”, to the end I made a puppy voice.
Spence said the address, I repeated it to a driver. We began driving.
“By the way, I don’t think you’ll find him there. He said he’d be busy somewhere today”, Spence said.
“yeah? It’s bad. Anyways, Spence, it’s better to me to wait for him there, not in an airport not knowing what to do. I have keys, anyways”, I replied.
“yeah, may be. Call me if you need something”, he said.
“okay, thanks. I’ll keep it in my mind”, I replied.
We both said byes and hung up.
I drove to Bren’s house. yeah, it was his house, Spence didn’t deceive me. I paid for taxi and came to the house. I unlocked the exit door and came in. I threw my handbag on a couch and took off my shoes.
“Bren!” I said with a loud voice.
No answer. I leaned against a back of the couch. The house was silent. I decided to wait for Bren in his…or our …bedroom. I placed my foot on a step of stairs and stopped. I heard girl’s moans. People, I can swear she said the name of my boyfriend! I shivered and suddenly felt cold. Only words “no, no, no” were spinning into my head. I slowly walked upstairs. Those sounds were louder. Those sounds were coming from Bren’s bedroom. When I stopped against the door of that room, I could hear exactly she said HIS name. and I heard his voice or, exactly to say, his breath. I placed my hand on my mouth and my eyes grew wide. I couldn’t believe it was happening to me, in my life, in my relationships. The first thing I wanted to do was to rush into the room and threw them both out of a window. I even touched a handle of the door but I stopped myself in time. I just felt I didn’t wanna see him or her. I felt…disgust. It’s a right word. I felt that I loathed not only them, but the whole that situation. I had been cheated formerly…bad state…I was involved in it again. So, I didn’t came in and I didn’t wanna run away. “he must know I know he’s fucking some slut”. I thought, “he convinced me our relationships would be better. How? While I honestly try and fight for it he sleeps around Vegas’s bitches! Funny.” I was so angry that just one my glance could burn that door I was standing in front of. So, what did I do? I knocked and said loudly: “Honey, ask your bitch to wait and come here. Being dressed, of course, motherfucker. I’m at the kitchen”. So I said and made my way to the kitchen. To that moment I exactly made a decision – My life will keep going without Brendon. I don’t like when agreements are brought. So he went downstairs and came to me being dressed in jeans only. I looked him up and down and smirked. He was miserable. No, he looked indifferent, may be even cheeky, but for me he was miserable.
“money for my coming here and money for my leaving this shitty place. Gimme, faster”, I ordered with an awful voice.
“what are you doing here?’ he asked still not believing he was seeing me.
“What? What she’s doing here is a right question! Though I know answer. I heard enough, believe me. give me money and let’s say byes”, I said.
“you don’t wanna know the reason?” he asked.
“what reason? I know the only reason for it. And it’s in your jeans, below your stomach. You have a girl in each state of your fucking country? I hope you’ll find another one in California, okay? You know I even understand now it was flattering – to be your miss California. Thank you for such honorable title”, I replied with irony.
“no, there’s another reason”, he said.
“Brendon, I wanna know nothing, believe. I got tired. I wanna went outta here as fast as possible. Just give me money I had to waste on you. Oh, and bring me back my stuffs I have left in your house”, I said trying to solve all problems at once.
He silently turned around and went out. I hoped he went for what I asked him. In a minute he returned. He held a small package with Motivi logo and his wallet in his hands. I gestured to place the package on a table and extended my hand to take the money. Really, for what I have to spend MY money? For that to see, hear and have what I did? No, exactly no.
“I saw your pics from Moscow that week”, he said.
He may be waited that I would fall down on my knees and begin apologizing? Pf…bullshit…
“so what?” I asked with no interest.
“you have nothing to say?”
he was trying to play a role of victim?
“now? No. It doesn’t matter. You wanted to pay me back – you did it. But it’s all the same to me. Think that I didn’t appreciated it as well”, I replied and got up.
“let’s talk”, he suggested after a pause. “no, you’re right. It all doesn’t matter now”.
He placed the money in my hands. I took it, grabbed my handbag and put on my shoes.
“I’ll take my stuffs later”, he said.
“I’ll give them by Spence. He got used to”, I smirked thinking of Ryan and Dasha’s break up and pulled the keys of his house out of my handbag.
I looked at them and then at Bren.
“here,” I threw them to him. “I don’t need them now”.
And I don’t need him now.