Don't Blame Me for Being Me

Chapter 74
Late dawns and early sunsets, just like my favorite scenes Then holding hands and life was perfect, just like up on the screen (Too much of you is never enough)

“I’m scared”, I stated late Friday evening when Dasha and me were about to go to sleep.
I just had a conversation with Gerard who were already some hours back in LA. At morning next day we were gonna have a plane to Seattle. First, we thought we’d go there by train instead of a plane. That sounded less boring and more exciting and romantic. But 30 hours trip is too exciting and romantic for us. Plus, we’ve only got that weekend
“What of exactly?” Dasha asked me.
“I don’t even know. Everything. Everything that’s gonna happen between Gerard and me”, I said.
“You’re afraid of sex with Gerard there? Because it’s exactly that’s gonna happen really very soon” Dasha lit up the mood.
I grinned.
“Well, when I think about it, my hands shake and my legs tremble, so I’m actually worried about this part”, I confessed.
Dasha smiled.
“But I’m talking about our future now. About that day when everything will get serious. About that time when we will love each other. ‘Cause honestly, I’m scared to fall in love with him”, I told.
“Why? What’s wrong with loving Gerard?” Dasha asked.
“He’s the first guy who chose me. Before it was always me who made a decision. It was like ‘I want this boy’. And I’d been trying to get him. I never faced a problem of rejecting someone’s feelings. Only my own ones. It was always me who had intentions, wishes and feelings”, I explained. “And now this is Gerard who said ‘I want you’. He said he’s liked me almost since we first met. I feel like I have some pressure because of this. Like now I HAVE TO like him back. I try to shrug this feeling off so hard. I’m scared that he’ll be the first to say ‘I love you’ and it will be an absolute disaster if I won’t be ready. I have so many worries about us that sometimes I can’t even sleep”.
Dasha looked at me sympathetically.
“You know what you need? Just be with him. I mean, next to him. As long as possible. With him by your side, there’ll be an end of your stupid worries”.
“They’re not stupid. They’re fucking real problems”, I countered.
“They’ll fucking disappear . You’ve just started dating. Do you think that he doesn’t worry about you two, that he doesn’t care? You know what? Just calm down and enjoy”, she replied.
“I try”, I said and left the room to take a shower.
May be she’s right? I should just put my worries away? I should just calm down. Really, why I worry? It’s just Gerard. The same Gerard I used to meet during the tour with Fall Out Boy. The same Gerard I had been making out with last week. And it was kinda awesome. He was kinda awesome. Oh why I go there? I need a good sleep not wet dreams.
I closed my eyes and smiled reminiscing.
******************************************************************
Dasha was still sleeping when I got ready for the trip to Seattle. I got dressed in jeans, oversized sailor-style tee and took a blue cardigan also. I have to admit, my bag was too heavy for a-bag-full-of-things-that-are-needed-for-one-weekend-only. I called a cab some time before, so it was near my house in right time. Neither conversation with Dasha or a warm shower did help to keep away a nervousness I felt since the moment I woke up. I think when Gerard and me spend long time apart, I start to forget how it feels like. And that’s where my nervousness comes from waving hello to me eagerly. I tried to picture meeting Gerard at LAX and hugging him. It helped to relax a little bit. I sent him a sweet text message ‘on my way to u. get ready to a public making out. miss ya’. I smiled contently looking at it. He soon replied me with ‘ok, I just announced it. Ppl gathering. Miss u more’. What did I do to get such a cute guy?
It was kind of relief to see Gerard. His sweet kiss on my temple made me melt, really. I wonder why I start to act like this around him. Like I’m sixteen.
Half of the ride we couldn’t stop talking. Phone talks are great, and we really talk much. but talking AND seeing each other, even touching each other… No communication can do that, even Skype.
Till the landing we listened to music sharing his iPod. He showed me some cool stuff.
When a stewardess announced we all should fasten our belts, I instinctively took a grip of Gerard’s hand.
“I’m afraid of landing”, I turned to him explaining. “It’s such a scary thing”.
He snickered.
“Do I look not serious enough, Gerard?” I asked frowning.
“Sorry”, he said and squeezed my hand in his.
I focused on this little thing instead of the shaking plane. I’m really afraid of landing. It scares the shit out of me.
******************************************************************
Well, this city is freaking awesome. On our way to a hotel I tried to see everything I could sitting on a backseat of a cab. We dropped our bags and left the hotel immediately. I pushed Gerard in the first free cab near the hotel and got in myself.
“Where are we going to?” a middle-aged bearded driver asked.
I didn’t know where. I felt Gerard looking at me, even smirking. I rushed us outside so fast I didn’t think where we’d go.
“Just go”, I replied to the driver. “We’ll see”.
“Okay”, he looked at me through the view mirror, probably thinking I’m not sane.
But who cares? I pulled out my phone to search some interesting restaurants in Seattle. Gerard leaned close to me to see what I was doing.
“May be Italian? Or seafood? Or may be just a café? I would love a cup of coffee right now”, he looked up at me.
I was silent for a minute and then announced my choice.
“Purple Café & Wine Bar, that’s it”, I said and gave the driver directions. “I hope you’ll like it”, I said to Gerard.
“Thanks for asking my opinion”, he replied with a sarcastic tone.
I saw him smiling. He wasn’t serious, so I relaxed.
We walked in the café holding hands, something I couldn’t get used to for the whole day.
“A free table for two, please?” Gerard asked an administrator.
We followed him to the right side of the café, to a cute place near the window. And we had beautiful time. We weren’t trying too hard to impress each other. We, actually, didn’t have to. I can say we knew each other in our good and bad times. That’s what you get if you’re in a tour with rock bands. I’m not even being sarcastic right now, ‘cause that’s true. We were just us there, in that Seattle’s café.
The day was great. The popular unstable Seattle’s weather didn’t let us down, surprisingly. We were at some art museums and got some more art knowledge. We end up the day at Gas Works Park. We met sunset, saw the beautiful Seattle’s skyline and drank the fourth cups of coffee for the evening.
“It was an amazing day”, I said laying my head down on Gerard’s shoulder.
“It’s not over yet”, he replied.
“What are we gonna do back at our hotel room?” I asked.
“I don’t know. Dinner, movie, sex? Or playing chess and drinking tea with cookies? It's up to you to decide”.
I looked at him. He was smiling liking his own joke
“Do you hope I'll choose the first option?” I asked him.
“No. I'm better at chess then sex”.
“I hope it's a joke. Or I came here for nothing”.
We laughed and he leaned to kiss me. And right there I probably started falling for Gerard. And I couldn't stop it.
On our way back to the hotel it started raining. We got in a cab before the weather got worse. But the driver didn't understand where we were going to so he dropped us not right in front of the hotel. We had to run soaking in rain a little bit. It was enough to get wet. And it was terribly cold. Right after we entered our room I rushed into a bathroom. I started off warm water and took off my pants.
“What are you doing?” Gerard asked looking at me.
“I need to get warm. I'm freezing”.
I stepped into warm water.
“I have another way for us to get warm”, he said and walked closer.
He was looking right into my eyes as he stroked my hips. His hands were cold and wet. I shivered. And I liked it. He grabbed me and took me out from the bath. I was hanging on his shoulder as he entered a bedroom. Then he placed me on a bed. All of this was going on in complete silence. I couldn't say a word because I was worried as never in my life. I was silently watching laying on the bed as Gerard took off his jacket and then his shirt. I saw beautiful pale chest. The rain outside was getting worse and worse. But for the first time in my life I didn't care about it and I wasn't afraid about it.
Gerard unzipped his pants and leaned down to me. I kissed him eagerly because of anticipating. He slowly was lifting up my wet clothes and his right hand cupped my breast. I put my arms around him and pressed him closer to me. He stopped our kiss and looked at me. I expected him to say something. But he helped me to took off the rest of my clothes including lingerie and looked me up and down. He gave me a quick kiss on my lips and moved down giving his attention to every part of my body. It was one of the most exciting things – just to watch him on me, to watch his head between my legs, to watch his hand squeezing my breasts.
I've never been profi in oral sex but that time I knew Gerard was doing everything right. He touched every right place and I couldn't be happier but just laying there, moaning and ruffling his dark hair. And he stopped when I asked him. He was surprised thinking I didn't enjoy it.
“Come here”, I whispered in a voice I couldn’t identify as mine.
I kissed him as tender as I could. I pressed my pelvis to his crotch and said looking right into his serious hazel eyes "I want you".
******************************************************************
We were laying quietly under white hotel sheets, holding hands, our fingers laced together. I felt like I finally found peace. I wasn't nervous anymore. I was calm as never. I was happy.
Our moans this night were the only thing that came out of our mouths. Now it was 8 a.m. and we were still silent. Gerard was tapping his finger at my hand.
“I wish I'd lose my virginity to you”, I made an attempt to joke.
Gerard looked at me with surprised eyes. I turned my whole body towards him and cupped his face.
“Seriously, it was one of the best nights in my life”.
He smiled and kissed me.
“One of?” he asked.
"You're in top 5" I joked.
"Can't wait to hear who else are there with me".
I laughed.
“You don't need to know. And may be someday you’ll fill all five positions”.
“Now what? I should be happy?”
“Well, thanks to you I am now. And I don't know it's good or bad but since this night I constantly want you. Right now I want you. I wanted you even right after we just had sex. Is it normal?”
Gerard laughed and hugged me tightly.
"You're amazing".
"You need to learn to be ready to satisfy my desire to you anytime. And I'm serious".
So next day we spent mostly in our room enjoying each other. But we had a little trip at ferryboat before noon. The city had no sign of the storm that happened last night. It was cloudy outside but we decided to go anyway. It would be a pure sin not to have trip being in Seattle.
And this trip would be perfect if some paparazzi didn't spot us in a line to ticket window. The rest was fine. We talked much, we took many photos when we kissed and we drank many cups of coffee again. And we were happy as never. Also this evening we went up at Seattle’s Needle. The view from there is just stunning.

******************************************************************
The life was going on but Gerard was still touring with the band. And we spent another month apart again. We only met once and spent a night together. Morning came and he was gone. Another chance to see him was approaching fastly. My Chemical Romance was about to have some shows in Japan. They all must gather in LAX and then fly to so far far away Japan. I couldn't miss this opportunity to see him.
Gerard's flight lands in LA in a middle of the night. I didn't go to sleep at all that evening. Actually, right after some kind of dinner Dasha and me had around 6 p.m. I grabbed my home keys and got out of the house.
Their layover was just for one hour. Gerard and me tried to hide anywhere to get some privacy. But surprisingly I wasn't the only one to know about MCR LA’s layover. There was a pretty damn big crowd of their fans. After Gerard and me kissed in front of them and there was a big "AAAHHH" coming from the fans, I knew it was a mistake in some of a kind. But who cares? Leave it to Gerard to talk to media after. Fuck, really. I was just happy to see him. That was the only thing I needed. To hold him. To see him. Even if it will last for just an hour.
"When will you stop touring?" I asked Gerard when we were sitting in a waiting room. I was trying to cuddle to him.
He sighed.
"I know I shouldn't ask this. I sound desperate and stupid. Just when I was with you on tour it was much more fun than this", I said.
“It’s your fault you’re stuck here with your boring ordinary human life”, Gerard said.
I knew he was joking.
“Oh really?” I snapped.
He rubbed my spine comforting.
"You can check our official site and see tour dates for yourself", he smiled.
"You changed already some of those dates, Mr. Smarty Pants", I replied. "Your managers just keep adding and adding dates. It seems to be infinite".
It just made Gerard laugh. I sighed and decided not to waste the rest of the time for talking. Our public make out session was really public. But right there I was on heaven number seven. Everything is about Gerard and nothing hurts.