All We Had to Keep Us Safe

I stared directly at Bob for over a minute, pain welling up in my chest. I was frozen, unable to move or speak.

Bob looked back at me with a strange expression on his face. He looked like he was crazy with worry but scared to speak or bother me. “Tell me what’s wrong,” he finally said cautiously.

What he said didn’t penetrate my mind, and I didn’t comprehend the words. “Oh my God,” I breathed, incapable of saying anything else. I didn’t know how to feel. I was completely numb. Not scared, not happy, not sad, not angry, not regretful, not even shocked. I felt nothing.

“What is it?” he pressed. Once again, I didn’t answer. “Jade, come on. You’re scaring me. What’s wrong?”

If I told him, what would he do? Would he get mad? Would he make me leave? But I couldn’t keep it from him. I was done keeping things from him. I didn’t know how to tell him, though. “I’m… I mean I think I’m… I might be…” I stumbled over my words clumsily. I couldn’t finish it.

“Just tell me,” he begged. “I can’t help you if I don’t know what’s wrong.”

“I think I’m pregnant,” I blurted with no emotion at all in my voice.

He blinked, and I saw different feelings flash across his face and in his eyes. First disbelief, then confusion, then realization, then pain, and then anger. This was followed by a settling expression of both concern for me and another strange emotion that was between anger and sorrow. Was it regret? Jealousy? Mistrust? I couldn’t tell. At least it wasn’t rage.

He bit the inside of his lip, took a deep breath in, and let it out slowly. “Okay,” he said carefully, trying to keep his voice even. “We don’t know for sure yet, do we?”

“No,” I replied, my eyes never flickering away from his. “But I’m pretty sure.”

“Okay,” he repeated calmly. “We have options. We can go to the store together to buy a pregnancy test if you don’t want to be alone. You could go by yourself. Or, if you want, I’ll go, and you can stay here. Just tell me what you want to do.”

“I want to stay here,” I whispered. I’d already asked too much from him. Why not ask for more? I needed to be alone; I needed time to think.

Unexpectedly he wrapped his arms around me awkwardly. “Then you can stay here,” he said. “Everything’s going to be okay,” he whispered comfortingly. Then he got up and walked quickly out the door.

I let myself fall backward onto the couch and looked up at the ceiling. It took me a few seconds to prepare myself to think it.

Okay. So maybe I was pregnant. If I was, there was a tiny baby inside me. Mark was the father, and I would never see Mark again. The baby would grow up never meeting him. Maybe that would be better than Chloe’s situation, though. At least the baby wouldn’t be completely terrified of its father.

Then of course, there was the possibility that I wasn’t pregnant. I didn’t really think that was the case. I didn’t really want it to be the case. Because despite the fact that I’d left Mark, I knew I would want more than one kid some day. And I doubted I would ever love someone else the way I loved Mark. So, in a way, this could be a good thing.

Poor Bob. If I had a baby, it would just be one more mouth for him to feed, one more thing that reminded him of my husband. He, for one, didn’t deserve this. I knew I was taking advantage of the fact that he would do anything for me. I needed him, though.

So I knew how I felt: as nervous as hell. Because if I wasn’t pregnant, I’d never have another baby, and if I was, I’d have to raise the baby by myself, and I didn’t know how Bob would react.

When he returned, his face was a mask. He handed me a plastic bag. I took it, quietly thanking him, and went to the bathroom.

He was sitting on the couch when I emerged from the bathroom. He sat up a little more rigidly when he saw me and asked hopefully, “So what did it say?”

“I don’t know,” I answered flatly. “We have to wait a few minutes.” We, I thought grimly. As if it really had anything to do with him. But it does, I reminded myself. He would have to deal with it as much as I would.

He nodded, sitting back. I sat next to him. I’d left the stick in the bathroom. We were quiet for a few minutes.

Bob broke the silence by asking softly, “What do you want it to say?” He seemed uneasy and uncomfortably, which was reasonable for the situation.

I met his eyes and admitted guiltily, “I want it to say I’m pregnant.”

If he was surprised by my answer, he didn’t show it. However, he did ask, “Why?”

I shifted my weight. “I want another baby,” I replied. Laughing darkly, I added, “I know this isn’t the best time, but there won’t be any other chance.”

He stared at me vacantly for a long time, not answering. I couldn’t see what he was feeling, and it bothered me. For years I’d been able to tell exactly what he was thinking. Now it was like he was a different person, and I didn’t know him at all.

“I’m sorry,” I apologized. “I’m sorry for everything. For wanting this, for being a terrible friend, for making you do all these things for me that I don’t deserve.”

He sighed and looked away. “You have nothing to be sorry for. You’re not a terrible friend, you’re not making me do anything, and you do deserve all this. And, to be honest, you deserve another kid.” He smiled a little. “Another kid deserves to have you as their mother.”

Then there was a horrible banging sound, and it came from the apartment door. I froze in surprise and fear, but Bob jumped up immediately and ran to the door. He looked through the peep hole and wheeled around quickly.

“Get your cell phone and anything else you absolutely need. I’ll get Chloe. We’ve got to get out of here!” he exclaimed urgently.

“What –”

“Just do it!” he interrupted, already in my room getting Chloe.

Another loud thump came from the door, and I jumped up, ready to obey.