Will You Catch Me If I Fall?

I felt like I was swimming through a deep and thick lake of sludge or tar. It was heavy and confusing and everything seemed foggy. Sometimes there would be some kind of light, and I’d blink in surprise and I could hear everything around me. Things I couldn’t see for myself and then I might feel pressure, a hand on my head, fingers enclosed around my own, and once the cooling feel of a teardrop as it landed on my face and dripped down my cheek.

I could hear him all the time, calling me, pleading me again and again to wake up. To open my eyes. But I couldn’t, this thick lake was too big for me. It was too heavy, forcing my eyes shut so I couldn’t see him. And when I tried to call out to him, to let him know I was here, that I could hear him, it felt like an invisible gag appeared around my mouth and I couldn’t speak a word.

As time seemed to drag, the strange fog I was enclosed in began to lessen and I was able to hear and understand more.

“What are you doing here?” Trace’s voice was angry and I was surprised at hearing him like this. I wanted to open my eyes, to make some kind of movement or sign to let him know I was listening. Who was there?

“Her friend, Simara, called us and let us know what happened.” The second voice was quiet and it completely woke me up. It was the one voice besides Trace’s I wanted to hear. My mother.

With that, knowing my mother had to come to me, light streamed towards me and everything came into focus. The hospital room, Trace standing with his back towards me. His clothes were rumpled as if he’d slept in them. The beeping of the machines that I was attached to was loud in my ears. I became aware of a bandage around my head and another around my chest. My arm was in a cast.

My mother was looking at Trace; her eyes were in despair at the thought of losing another daughter to a road accident. Even though, she’d really lost me a long time ago, I was straining to be back in her arms. I wanted her to hug me, kiss my forehead, and soothe me to sleep. I needed her.

“Mum,” my voice was quiet but it made everyone turn to me with wide eyes. Trace let out a cry and rushed towards me to clasp my hand in his. But I only had eyes for my mother in that moment. She ran towards me as well, dropping her handbag which my father who was standing quietly behind her, picked up. She wrapped her arms around me, in a way she hadn’t in years and immediately I burst into frantic tears.

“Oh mum, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry for everything,” I cried into her arms and Trace, lovely as he always was, left the room quietly, giving me privacy with my parents.

After when I was calm, my mother and father sat beside me, my mother fussing over my bed sheets and my father holding one of my hands, running his thumb over it now and again the way he did when I was little.

“I’m sorry darling, we...we haven’t been there for you since Stephanie. We were lost in our own grief to help you in yours.” My father’s voice was quiet when he spoke to me but the emotion behind it was clear. I smiled at him.

“It’s okay daddy. I understand now...a few months ago I wouldn’t have. I was lost too. But Trace helped me. He brought me back to the way I used to be.”

My mother looked at me, “he’s wonderful Addison. But you just concentrate on getting better. Come back home to us. Just for a little while.”

I considered my mother’s words and after I fell asleep, too tired to see Trace, I made a decision.

~

“I was so worried,” he whispered to me, kissing my cheek fiercely, “and it’s all my fault.”

“It’s not your fault,” I muttered, looking down at my hands in my lap. “It’s mine. I wasn’t thinking clearly, all I could see was you, kissing her...I didn’t stop to realise she was kissing you and you were trying to fight her off. I made assumptions too quickly. I love you Trace, and it’s time I started trusting you.”

Trace smiled but there were tears in his eyes, “you’re too good for me Addie.”

I laughed, “No, no I’m not. But I need to work some things out Trace. On my own. I want to fight away everything that came with Stephanie’s death. I want...I want to be me again. I don’t want to have to worry about the next time I become depressed or when I might be unsure about our relationship. I’m going to move back into my parents, just for now so I can build back up my relationship with them as well.”

Trace looked at me, wide-eyed, “so...you’re breaking up with me?”

I shook my head, fiercely, ignoring the pain from my head wounds, “No...I’m asking you, probably a bit selfishly...to wait for me. But I understand if you can’t.”

Trace was looking at me, never seeing this more serious side of myself. He was used to my mad fits of crazy behaviour where I could sob into his arms or kiss him passionately. He didn’t know how to respond to the real Addie he was now seeing.

I waited, my heart beat increasing with every second. I had lost Frank-E, but I didn’t want to lose Trace.

Finally, he spoke quietly, “I understand.”

He placed his fingers under my chin, lifting my face to his so our lips could connect. It started out soft but finally became more passionate until he pushed himself away. “I’ll wait for you Addie,” he whispered, “just tell me when and I’ll be there.”

I watched him walk away and then I took three deep breaths. It was time for Addison Grey to come back to life, and leave the past behind her.