It's Sorrow That Feed Your Lies

Damn.

My arms had so many scars from hurting myself the last several months. This had to stop. The guys would find out sooner than later so I knew it would look better if I told them about it before anyone noticed.

So the question was...who do I tell first?

Zacky and Brian we’re still MIA so it really only left me with one option. I closed my eyes for a moment to gather my thoughts and find some sort of courage to do this.

Before leaving my room, I gave myself a once over in my bathroom mirror to make sure that I looked somewhat decent.

“Okay Jen, you can do this.”

“Do what?” I almost jumped out of my skin at the sound of Matt’s voice.

“Jesus you scared me. How is it the you pop up every time I’m getting ready to come talk to you?” I questioned skeptically, trying to avoid eye contact.

“I just had a feeling so I came over here to see how bad your hangover was,” he said with a chuckle.

“Well I need to talk to you about something personal. Do you mind?”

“You should know the answer to that kiddo. But if it’s about last night....” the thought of my stupidity almost made me cringe.

“No no. We can just pretend my drunk ass never said anything. This is unrelated.”

“Well you have my full attention,” he said as he plopped down onto my bed. I finally made eye contact for the first time since last night. Christ, he was so attractive. What I would give to throw myself onto him and discover what his lips tasted like. Why did he have me so sexually frustrated?

The sound of his voice halted the fantasy playing inside my head.

“Jen, are you okay?”

“No, Matt. I’m not okay. I’m tired of pretending that I am. So I’m coming clean by showing you what I’ve been doing to myself to cope with my problems,” I began to explain while holding out my arms. I watched with dread as his eyes traveled down my arms to where the scars were.

“Jen honey...no....” The tears were steady now as they streamed down my checks. I tried my best to hold my composure.

“I’m so tired of hurting and feeling so alone. My dad has never understood. Ever since my mom died...I just fell off the edge. It’s why I smoke. I cut. I drink alcohol. Anything to numb the pain. But I’m tired. I just can’t anymore.” I was practically hysterical at this point.

I didn’t resist him when he pulled me into his arms and held me tightly. I needed that right now more than anything.

“Jen…. I am here for you always. You are not alone and you can come to me for anything. I won’t judge you. I don’t understand how someone so smart and beautiful as you could be living with so much pain while everyone is oblivious to it. It breaks my heart. I will help you in any way possible. I won’t let you go through this on your own.” I knew he meant every word by the tone of his voice.

While he held me on my bed in silence, a sense of relief washed over me. I did it. I reached out for help.

“Jen...I don’t know what I’d do if something happened to you and you felt the need to take your own life. I couldn’t live with myself. You are...special. Don’t take this the wrong way but if I wasn’t in a relationship already I would 100 percent make you mine. I never planned to tell you that but I’m telling you now so that you know someone out there does care about you.” He has me at a complete loss of words.

“What do you mean by that?” I didn’t dare look up at him. Instead, I buried my face further into his thin shirt.

“You know what that means. Don’t play dumb.”

He wanted to be with me if he was single. Yeah Jen. Let that sink in for a moment..

“Why do I feel like something has changed between us?”

“It hasn’t. I’ve just never led you to believe I felt this way about you. For whatever reason when you came back, I couldn’t hide it like I used to. I can’t figure it out to be honest.” My heart began to race as the thoughts I’ve tried hard to fight flooded my mind again.

Why have I never noticed how attractive he was?

“You’ve always been like a big brother to me. So I’m so confused with these thoughts of being attracted to you when I shouldn’t be. Then again how can someone not want to be all over you. Fuck what am I even saying....” I rambled on because at this point, my nerves had forced me to lose control.

“You’re so adorable when you’re nervous. If we’re being honest here Jen..I want you in ways you couldn’t imagine. But you’re in a vulnerable state right now and I want to be here for you for all the right reasons. Does that make sense?” He explained as he took his hand a caressed the side of my face. My body was aching for him at this point. I just wanted so badly for him to have his way with me right here and right now.

“How do you know that I haven’t imaged the things you’re talking about already?”

Fuck, Jen. Here you go playing with fire.

“Trust me. You haven’t. Your mind isn’t as dark as mine is.”

At this point, I could feel his breath on the side of my neck, causing my hormones to sky rocket.

Without responding to him, I slipped out of his grip and locked myself into the bathroom. I stared at myself for a moment before I inhaled deeply. I slipped off my leggings and tank top which left me in my bra and thong. You don’t look that bad, Jen. Show him what you’re made of.

I gave myself one more glance in the mirror before opening the bathroom door.

As I opened the bathroom door nervously, my breath hitched as I found him standing there in front of me. It was like he knew what I had planned to do.

“Holy fuck, Jen,” he whispered as he analyzed me several times over.

At this point I didn’t care what the consequences were to what I was encouraging.

Just fuck me already. I thought to myself.

“You said my mind isn’t as dark as yours. So prove it.”

“Jen…..”

“I can’t handle what you do to my body. It has been driving me crazy.”

“But this isn’t the right time…” he tried to argue but I wasn’t listening to his excuses anymore. I slid my fingers into my underwear, which caused them to be covered in my wetness.

“Do you see this? This is what you’re doing to me,” I said as I held up my fingers that were practically dripping.

“Fuck. You asked for it.” Without another word, he pulled me up against him and collided into my lips. He tasted better than I could have ever imagined.

Without any effort, he lifted me up and threw me onto the bed, wasting no time in getting on top of me. It took everything in me to not moan as his hands wandered every inch of my body.

“You’re not going to be able to handle me without making noise,” he whispered into my ear as he slid his fingers inside of me.

“You’re not leaving my room until you fuck me,” I whispered back into his ear before allowing my lips to find the side of his neck.

“I never said I wasn’t going to. I don’t start something I can’t finish. Get on your hands and knees,” he ordered and I didn’t think twice.

“Put your face in the pillow and don’t make a sound. Or else I’ll punish you later.” God the way he was talking to me was turning me on so much.

As soon as my face was buried into my pillow, he forced himself into me. He was slow at first but wasted no time in picking up his speed.

Fuuuuck

It wasn’t long after that I felt my body tensing up for the orgasm that was coming.

“God you’re so tight,” he groaned as his thrusting slowed down.
Just as he spoke those words, my body caved in to the long awaited release.

“There you go baby..that’s exactly what I wanted. Now turn around and lay on your back.”

As soon as I did as he asked, he leaned over me and allowed himself to ooze all over my stomach.

“Holy shit,” I managed to say under my breath.

“Yeah, that was only a small piece of what I have to offer. I can’t give you everything at once. Now, before anyone catches on to what just happened, go clean yourself up and pretend this didn’t happen. Understood?”

“Crystal clear,” I somehow managed to reply in my daze of emotions.

“God you’re so beautiful, Jen. Don’t ever let anyone tell you otherwise. Any guy able to call you theirs is one lucky man and I mean that,” he said softly and I couldn’t help but smile to that. Yea, right. I wish.

Before getting up, he planted one more kiss on my lips and said, “I’m not done with you.”

And once again, he was gone.

Shit, what did I just do?