It's Sorrow That Feed Your Lies

Not much took place for the remainder of the day. I stayed in my room most of the day with Matt checking on me every so often. Every time I saw him I replayed what took place earlier this morning. He said he was done with me….

Snap out of it Jen, you have to act like it never happened.

My mind then wandered over to Zacky. What if he found out? He’d never forgive me…..shit.

Matt also said he would talk to Zacky about what I confessed about earlier. Would he view me differently when he knew of my self mutilating ways? I hope I didn’t have to explain myself twice. I had no idea where Zacky went after he returned with Brian but I had a strong feeling that he was avoiding me. I only had myself to blame for that. I’ve been up in my room ever since then with nothing to do but think. Lying here on my cozy, fair sized bed, I was left to remain in a somewhat peaceful state.

There was only one thing bugging me….Matt. I just didn’t get it.

I always thought that Matt had viewed me the exact same way I viewed him but apparently not. If I had never gotten drunk then I’m sure Matt would have never acted this way. But of course, things were growing complicated. The way he acted this morning clearly told me he wasn’t done with showing me how he felt about me. I closed my eyes as I ran my hand over the spot he sunk his teeth into, causing the hairs on the back of my neck to stand up. The sense of power he had over me was enough to drive me crazy.

But then there’s my feelings for Zacky, in which I was stupid enough to tell him about. Those feelings had been hidden for so much longer than what I was experiencing with Matt. And he made me feel a way that Matt didn't make me feel. Fuck, I was stuck feeling something for two incredibly attractive men.

Matt and Alexia seem happy together. So why in the world is Matt showing interest in me and was willing to do what he did without thinking twice?? Yes, I was beginning to view him in a new way but I had no intentions of distracting him from Alexia. She was the lead singer of Eyes Set To Kill and I admired her greatly. Alexia and Matt really seemed to be meant for each other. I had to set Matt straight before I let him do something we’ll both regret….but how?

I realized that I couldn’t do this alone. As much as I wanted to…it would just be too risky.

Fuck, I wanted to cut so badly...but I couldn't...Matt got me to swear to him I wouldn't hurt myself in that way again.

I guess I'm just going to have to suck it up and deal with it myself. I really wished that I could force myself to not like Matt in this way because we had a few days left before the guys would be touring. I did not want to interfere with Alexia's relationahip with Matt. But the more time I spent around Matt, it made me crave him more...

***
It was one in the morning and I was going out of my mind. These thoughts swarming around in my head were devouring the little time I had left to sleep. I could not get myself to stop thinking about Matt. I wanted him more than anything right now to just lay here beside me and hold me forever. I thought about getting up and checking to see if he was still awake but I was so afraid that I'd let him cross the line again. But that’s what I wanted, anyways, right?

I'll be fine, I told myself. I crawled out of my bed and quickly slipped off my bra before throwing on a loose fitting shirt and pajama shorts. I slipped out into the hallway and noticed most of the lights were off which surprised me. Most of the time the guys were up until 2 or 3 in the morning. Finally reaching his room, his door was closed but I gave a light knock to see if he was awake.

"It's open," he called through the door so I slipped in quietly and shut the door behind me to find Matt seated in his chair, working hard on what I'm sure were things for the tour.

"You're up awful late," he noticed, glancing briefly up at me.

"I could say the same to you," I replied, rubbing my eyes as I sat on the edge of his bed with my legs crossed indian style, watching him.

"And how old are you?" he asked, turning his head to look at me with a smirk across his face. I just rolled my eyes and he chuckled, continuing his work. "So what brings you up here?"

"I don't know. I just had trouble sleeping again so I thought I'd come and see what you were doing but you're busy and I don't want to be a distraction so I think I'll just-"

"Stay," he put into my mouth before I could finish.

"Stay? But I-"

"You're not bugging me, Jen. You never are. I want you to stay here....you're actually helping me think," he informed me.

"Oh...okay. If you say so," I said, unsure if I should really stay here or not. I didn't want to interrupt him if he really was doing something important and I suddenly felt so vulnerable being alone in his room. I sighed silently to myself and knew that if I left, Matt would be unhappy. But if I stayed.....

"So have you been holdin up since this mornin'?" he asked me in his normal caring tone.

"Not really," I admitted and stared hard into the floor knowing that his eyes were set on me.

"Was I not good enough?” His question completely caught me off guard.

“I never said that. You were amazing. I just never in a million years thought it would happen. On top of that, I confided in you with my biggest secrets…” my voice trailed off as I traced a finger over my heavily scarred arms.

I wasn't even aware of him getting up from his desk and he now stood over me, placing a warm, soft hand under my chin to lift my head up and force my gaze upon him. His face was now so close to mine. No Matt, no.

"Matt-" His finger over my lips prevented me from saying anything more to him. His hand moved to the side of my face and he stroked my cheek gently. The look on his face was amazing. I knew I couldn't stop him from what he was about to do. I was unable to breathe now and my heart was pounding up my throat.

“I know Jen. I want you so badly but I’m trying my best to refrain myself from crossing any more lines. But with what happened this morning…. I can’t stop thinking about it."

Until this moment in time, I really never took the chance to get a really good look at him and how well put together he was. Even though I had been crushing on Zacky longer, I never felt like I had a chance with him. Since Matt had been trying so hard to give me affection, it was new to me and I couldn't help but return his feelings.

I looked up at him and my breath hitched as I realized his face was inches from mine and at that moment in time, my vulnerability took over.

“Do you want to fuck me again? Because at this point, you can do what you want with me...I can’t handle this buildup of emotions,” I admitted while getting up off his bed which put me right against him. My hormones were screaming for him at this point. I started to lean into him but he stopped me.

“Jen babe....you’re not thinking clearly. There’s nothing I’d love more than to— You have no idea what goes on in my head when I think about you. But I want to do things right and I don’t want you hurt. I can’t do that to you,” he explained in which I understood but still couldn’t deescalate my cravings for him. But he was right.

"I'm going to go Matt. I should't have let myself come in here. I know I’d just make things more complicated," I whispered in a panic as I escaped his grip.

"Jen wait--"

"No Matt. You’re totally right and I need to put myself in check. I’m not mad at you just myself for not thinking clearly. So I’m going to go And please don't follow me out of here," I warned before walking briskly out of the room and shutting the door. Wasting no time, I made a beeline to my room, colliding into none other than Zacky on my way.

"Where are you going in such a hurry?" He questioned skeptically, grabbing my arm in the process.

"Going to bed," I replied, feeling too guilty to make eye contact with him.

"Can you spare a few minutes to talk?" he seemed a little desperate and I could't push him away.

"I thought you’d never ask,” I said quietly and he followed me in. I closed the door behind him and locked it without him realizing so that no one interrupted us.

He sat down on my bed and I took a seat next to him, a little nervous as to what he had to say.

"How are you feeling since this morning?" he asked and I simply shrugged.

"Okay I guess. I was hoping you'd come around sooner to talk," I admitted, blushing slightly.

"Really? I'm sorry, I was going to sooner but I didn't want to overwhelm you. Matt told me what was going on and I wasn’t sure if you needed space or not. I hope you don't think that I don't care be--"

"No no, it's okay, I get it. You've done enough," I reassured him, finding myself gazing into his beautiful emerald eyes again.

"As long as you know that I'm going to make sure you're taken care of here that's all I care about. I want you to come to me any time you have the urge to hurt yourself. You have such a long life ahead of you, I can’t bare the thought of something so horrible like you committing suicide. I am always here for you.” 


“Thank you Zacky,” I smiled and again found myself locked in his gaze again. He was such a captivating sight, I just couldn’t help myself.

“So...can I ask you about what you said to me earlier?” My heart skipped about ten beats when he finally brought the topic up.

“Ask away,” I replied reluctantly. I still couldn’t believe I had the nerve to tell him.

“Well first off, why me? Secondly, when you say crush, are we talking about a high school kind of crush or an overly romantic I-can’t-get-him-off-my-mind kind of crush?”

“Zacky can you trust me for a second to close your eyes?” I whispered quietly to him, preparing myself to make an insanely bold move.

I could sense hesitation in his body language but he agreed and closed his eyes. I studied his face for a few seconds to take in how attractive he was. You have nothing to lose Jen. Just go for it.

I leaned into him until my lips pressed against his softly. He instantly responded and grabbed both sides of my face to be able to kiss me harder.

I pulled away from him after about another minute and found my way along his neck with my lips.

“Jen...hold up.” He said as he stood up abruptly for a reason I was unsure of.

“Zacky please don’t go. I’m sorry I lost my composure. I didn’t mean to cross any lines,” I replied in a panic.

“No don’t apologize. You didn’t do anything wrong. It’s just that I want to be able to express my own feelings so that you know exactly what you’re getting into. I don’t want you to do something you may regret.”

“I mean at this point I’ve already told you the one thing I swore I’d keep to myself. So I have nothing to lose. But if I made you feel uncomfortable, I can pretend this didn’t happen.” I was so confused with the signals he was giving me. Did he want me or not?

He stayed silent for a moment as he stared at the ground for what seemed like ages. I began to feel a wave of regret and embarrassment hit me like knives.

“I feel like I put you in an uncomfortable situation. Maybe I’m not thinking clearly so I’m just going to go to sleep.”

“Not before I finish what you started,” he growled from behind and without warning he grabbed me by the waist and pushed me into the wall.

We locked eyes and I saw a look on his face I had never seen before. Was it lust?

“Jen?”

“Yes Zacky?”

“I’m going to fuck you until you can barely stand straight.”

*******