It's Sorrow That Feed Your Lies
Six
I was a little disappointed to wake up seeing that Zacky’s side of the bed was empty… but I understood why. I instantly began to replay in my head the events of last night.
Had I been dreaming or did I actually get laid by my long hidden crush?
I ran fingers in between my thighs and closed my eyes. Zacky wasn’t lying when he said he’d put me to sleep. But what did this mean? We didn’t really talk about anything in depth. I didn’t even know what kind of feelings he even had towards me, if any.
Rolling over in bed I glanced at my clock and almost gasped at the time. It was 11:35 a.m. I NEVER slept in that late…or for ten hours for that matter. I wish Zacky could sleep with me every night. And then a thought came to me.
I am such a slut.
And that was the worst realization I had ever come to about myself. I mean really….I was completely sexually attracted to Matt but allowed Zacky to fuck my brains out on the same day I let Matt fuck me. There was no right in that scenario. With Zacky, though, I had REAL feelings for. Matt…..he was a different story.
I wanted Zacky not him. But for some reason I had more courage to express my emotions to Matt more than Zacky. I had officially failed and miserably at that. All my morals I learned as a young girl and from my mother had gone down the drain last night.
I honestly have no idea how to go about my soap opera situation. Why did Matt want me? Why is he confusing me so much? I wanted to ask him but there was no way in hell I was risking getting into a messy situation again. I knew I shouldn't have checked on Matt last night. I should have known better. Fuck Jen. What's your problem? I let Matt cross the line once already and there was no denying it.
How was I going to face Alexia? Maybe I shouldn't go on this tour with them. Then Matt wouldn't try anything else and his time with Alexia wouldn't be ruined. Eyes Set To Kill would have to take their own tour bus with there being too many of us and it'd be too crowded. That would still give Matt a chance to do something we’d both regret. That thought made me uncomfortable.
I just wanted to spend my time with Zacky and forget anything ever happened with Matt. Should I tell Zacky the truth about what was going on? Surely he'd understand. Yes. I needed to talk to him, maybe tonight? I just needed to find a way to elude Matt all day until I could get some advice on the whole situation.
Hmm, maybe I could go for a walk? Nothing beats some good ole fresh air. So at that thought I slipped out of bed and grabbed a fresh set of clothes and walked quietly to the bathroom. I could hear loud voices and laughter down below and knew that the guys were all occupied so that I could have some peace to myself.
The warm water felt replenishing against my skin and for the ten minutes I was in there I found a small escape, forgetting about everyone and everything. I wish my life was simple. I missed those days. But they were gone and this was my life now so I needed to strap on my big girl pants and deal with it.
After I had finally finished showering and dressed myself in a pair of comfortable shorts and tank top, I left the bathroom and headed back to my room to put on some converses. I plugged in my headphones so that I could tune into my Linkin Park station that I played much too often. On my way downstairs I ran into my dad who looked a bit tired.
"Hey dad, I'm going outside for a bit to get some fresh air," I informed him with a fake smile.
"Alright honey. Be careful. If you need to go far my keys are up on the kitchen counter” he answered before continuing his way up the stairs.
The guys were sitting at the kitchen table finishing up breakfast and I of course had to say something to them to not seem rude.
“Morning,” I waved shyly to them while I continued to walk towards the door, not waiting for ant anyone to question where I was going.
Just as I had made it down the steps of the oversized house, I heard a voice from behind call my name.
“Jen! Jen wait!” I cringed at the sound of that voice. Matt.
“Matt, no. It's too early for this," I groaned in slight annoyance while partially waiting for his reaction.
“No Jen, I cant go another second without telling you what you need to hear. I really need to talk to you,” he demanded while grabbing my arm and spinning me around to face him. He looked both upset and concerned.
“Yeah, well I’m tired of fucking talking,” I snapped unintentionally but never apologized. I was so over everyone trying to talk to me. It never got me anywhere. I practically ripped my arm out of his grip and stormed away, hoping he wouldn’t pursue me.
“Jen please wait!” he cried as he sprinted to catch up to me.
“I told you already to leave me alone. I don’t want to talk to you right now. Every time we talk things get more complicated between us.” Why wouldn’t he give me my space? All I could do was continue to walk away and hold back my tears of frustration.
Why can’t Zacky be here when I need him, damnit?
"No Jen you have to listen to me becau-'
"Because why Matt!? You think some wonderful excuse is going to be enough too swoon me over? I'm not falling for that anymore," I stated clearly but that didn't stop him.
"Jen there's no need to feel guilty."
"Uhh...have you forgotten about Alexia???" I questioned him, crossing my arms over my chest.
"No I haven't. Jen...I have to come clean with something...."
"I don't care, Matt, because whatever lame excuse you're going to tell me is not going to be worth my time!" I yelled, throwing my arms in the air to help express my anger.
"Yeah it is. Please Jen I’m begging you..” I couldn’t run from him anymore. Even though I knew what he had to say wouldn’t change anything, I couldn’t keep ignoring him.
“What the fuck is it Matt??”
He looked at me for a moment before lowering his eyes to the ground and letting out a sigh.
"Jen, this isn’t something you’re going to want to here but I need to get it off my chest. When your dad told us about you two years ago, I thought that you were going to be one of those annoying obsessive girls that would be all over us so I asked Alexia to be in a relationship with me to keep you uninterested. But once I realized what kind of person you really were...it was too late. Jen...I'm sorry," he revealed regretfully and hearing that hurt more than anything else that's ever hurt me.
"Well you know what? I always thought that you were a really cool down to earth kind of guy that was like a brother I never had. And then I let my guard down coming here with all these crazy feelings and sexual frustration towards you. But I guess I was stupid to think that because you're really just one pathetic lying son-of-a-bitch," I said shakily through my tears as I glared at him.
"Jen, please don’t do this. I love you...."
"Are you fucking kidding me!? You're gonna tell me you love me after what you just said? Matt-- just get the fuck away from me..now. I'm done with you. I can't do this". I closed my eyes to try to hold my composure and not rip apart into a million pieces...or punch him for that matter.
"But Jen—"
"No Matt. There are no buts. I want you to go back inside. And when you go inside tell my dad I'm staying here while you guys are on tour," I said and I could see a wave of depression go through him.
"Alright," was all he said before he pathetically walked away, leaving me in my own pool of tears,unsure of what the hell just happened. I’ve lost myself again and I’m breaking. I’ve never felt this weak before. Part of me was crying for help, begging for another’s comfort and affection and the other part was dying, wanting to shut itself down and be away from the others, not caring what anyone else said. This is when I wish my mom was still alive….she’s the only one who’d truly understand.
Feeling suffocated by my thoughts, I pushed myself to walk down the driveway and find the sidewalk. I didn't know where I was going, but anywhere was better than being stuck inside that house. I wish someone could understand what I was going through fully, but it seemed impossible. I couldn't understand why my life had grown so complicated so quickly without even trying to make it that way.
As if my mind had been read, a warm reassuring arm slipped around my waist and gripped me tightly. I jumped in surprise, not hearing anyone come up behind me but quickly relaxed upon realizing who it was.
“Hey, where are you going? Why are you crying?” he asked softly but I couldn't get the nerve to explain myself or quit my sobbing for that matter. "Jen, hey babe no...take a deep breath and slow down," he cooed softly and I did my best to listen. It took a good five minutes to finally get myself together and I somehow managed to look up to him to find worry written all over his face.
"I just came out here to clear my thoughts and it turned out to be a terrible idea," I explained after gaining some composure.
"Well...if you're comfortable, let me walk with you and you can tell me what happened," he suggested and I nodded in agreement even though i felt completely uneasy at the idea of telling him what really happened.
"Matt has just been acting so different around me since I got here and I'm so confused as to why. To me he's like a big brother and I thought I was like a sister to him but all of a sudden he's admitting to these feelings that he has for me...." My stomach knotted up so much with what I was admitting to him and I was terrified that he would lose any and all feelings towards me after this conversation.
"Yeah I noticed that," Zacky admitted, slipping his hands into his pockets. My heart grew heavy with that gesture and I started to think this was a mistake. But I started so now I had to continue.
"I don't understand why. Since the day I met him I've viewed him as a big brother and to completely come up with this 'I need you in my and I love you’ crap out of nowhere just completely confused the hell out of me.”
“Wait he told you that he loves you?”
“Yes. But I don’t believe him.”
“Fuck,” I heard him whisper under his breath.
“Oh and let me add that he also enlightened me on the fact that his relationship with Alexia was so called staged all this time because before actually meeting me he was arrogant enough to think I would be a crazy fan girl and wanted to make sure I knew he was with someone. I mean after all this time how could he not have told me!?" I half shouted in anger. I was just so over this roller coaster of emotions I couldn't hold it any longer.
"Wow, I can't believe he did that. I honestly had no idea that he had been faking that relationship from the start and he's pretty good about being upfront and honest. I'm sorry he's making you feel this way, especially with what you're going through..."I could almost hear a hint of sadness in his tone.
"I just don't see the logic...I have never felt anything like that, towards him and because he threw me completely off guard I feel so overwhelmed...that's why I'm out here just trying to get some fresh air and clear my head, you know? I just want to be able to wake up and not feel like I have this weight on my shoulders because someone I care about is putting all this crazy shit on me and I'm afraid of saying the wrong thing and giving the wrong vibes when really I never had those intentions in the first place." My sentences scrambled out rather quicker than I wanted but it felt good to not have to hold back in a moment of shedding some light.
"I completely agree with you. I also think I might know why this is happening but I think It would be even more overwhelming to explain to you right now. I want you to feel like you could come to any of us for anything and with Matt being like this, I hope you know that you can come to me for anything no matter what," he emphasized while slinging his arm around my shoulder causally.
"Thank you Zacky. It means a lot to me," I smiled at him shyly after seeing that his eyes were stuck on me. If only you were mine.
There was a long silence between the two of us as we continued down the empty sidewalk with what I felt like was an uncomfortable distance between us.
"Hey Zacky..can I ask you something?"
"Ask away."
"It might sound stupid asking because of what happened last night but do you have feelings for me?” He stopped dead and spun me around to face him, my heart instantly racing.
"What makes you ask that? I mean aside from the obvious?" It was hard for me not to laugh when noticing his cheeks turn bright red which to me, confirmed Brian's statement.
" I'm sorry, maybe I shouldn't have asked that. I don’t know what I was thinking...”
"No, it's okay. I thought I had made that clear, especially after last night...I would have never done what I did to you last night if there wasn’t something there. I wanted to talk to you sooner but I was holding off after you telling us about everything you were going through. You're the first person that..." He hesitated for a moment with his sentence and folded his hands behind his head.
"That what?" I was hanging on to every word like any girl would watching a sappy love story. Except, I didn't know if this really was a "love" story or if love was even involved for that matter.
"You're just so young still and working so closely with your dad- the circumstances never seemed right for me to ever say anything. You're barely 18 so I kept my feelings to myself in hopes of maybe getting over them like a normal crush. But this isn’t a normal crush. It’s so different with you." If my heart hadn't sank as far as it could go, it would have sank a hundred miles further into the ground with what just came out of his mouth. My celebrity crush was admitting to my face that he had a crush on me but didn't WANT to have one because I was too young. Can I just die now, please!?
I was absolutely numb, broken, and crushed at this point. Well I asked for the truth so that's what I got right? How could I possibly think that this would turn into a magical fairytale? Maybe it was because I had tried so hard in kindling the fire inside of me that allowed me to believe there were genuine guys out there that didn't care enough about these little details to stop them from loving someone. Not that I thought Zacky had felt any type of love towards me, but I knew he had feelings. Fuck. First Matt and now Zacky....
"Jen.JEN. Hello? Are you listening to me?" I was so deep into my own thoughts I had no idea Zacky has continued talking. But quite frankly I had heard though.
"I'm sorry Zacky but I think this conversation was a mistake in itself and I really can't handle hearing any more bad news without feeling like I want to step in front of a car," I told him before exhaling hard and started to head back.
"Jen wait! Did you not hear anything I just said?" I could sense some frustration in his tone that caused me to feel uneasy.
"No, but it's probably better that I didn't. I think I've heard enough," I uttered softly with tears yet again in my eyes. I quickly wiped them away and held my gaze on the cracks and crevices of the sidewalk to avoid any more vulnerability.
"Jen wait! Please.."he pleaded with desperation evident in his tone.
"You're overwhelmed, I get it. But I don't want you to take what I'm saying in the wrong way. I'm not good at explaining myself but please know I'm trying my best to express what I'm feeling. I really like you, probably more than I'll admit. But I don't think, with what you've been experiencing and what Matts done to you, that this is the time for me to talk to you about this. I don't know what I'd do if I upset you to the point you didn't want to talk to me or keep our friendship. Does that make sense?" He explained softly as he brushed the strands of hair out of my face, causing me to tense up.
Friendship. Yeah, this conversation was a mistake.
“So was last night supposed to mean anything? Or am I supposed to pretend it didn’t happen?” I questioned partially out of anger.
“Jen no I think you’re taking this the wrong way. I loved every minute of what happened last night. If you let me do it again I will. But that’s not the only thing I care about. What I feel is more than that. You are special to me and I want to make you feel that way, okay?”
He stood in front of me and placed a hand on the side of my face. He was perfect in every way possible.
“You are so captivating,” I whispered as I began to bite on my bottom lip.
Without warning, he pressed his lips to mine with clear hunger, causing me to gasp.
When he pulled away, he had a devilish grin on his face that I found absolutely adorable.
“I told you not to bite your lip. There’s consequences when you don’t listen, darling.”
“Well if that’s your way of punishing me then I’ll make sure to do it more often,” I giggled as we both turned around to walk home.
“Smart ass.”
"And please..." He turned suddenly to me and placed his hand against my cheek once again, "Don't you dare waste your tears over anyone who makes you feel the urge to cry. You are too beautiful to let someone make you cry like this, okay? I don't know how many times I've had to hint that to you recently but don't forget that," he added before kissing my cheek and continuing to walk back home with me.
I was silent the entire way back in awe at the way he was able to make me feel so...good about myself it was surreal. Weather anything ever happened between the two of us was irrelevant because even as a friend he somehow made me feel like I was the luckiest girl to be alive. Quite frankly, I'd be selfish to ask for anything more.
*******
Had I been dreaming or did I actually get laid by my long hidden crush?
I ran fingers in between my thighs and closed my eyes. Zacky wasn’t lying when he said he’d put me to sleep. But what did this mean? We didn’t really talk about anything in depth. I didn’t even know what kind of feelings he even had towards me, if any.
Rolling over in bed I glanced at my clock and almost gasped at the time. It was 11:35 a.m. I NEVER slept in that late…or for ten hours for that matter. I wish Zacky could sleep with me every night. And then a thought came to me.
I am such a slut.
And that was the worst realization I had ever come to about myself. I mean really….I was completely sexually attracted to Matt but allowed Zacky to fuck my brains out on the same day I let Matt fuck me. There was no right in that scenario. With Zacky, though, I had REAL feelings for. Matt…..he was a different story.
I wanted Zacky not him. But for some reason I had more courage to express my emotions to Matt more than Zacky. I had officially failed and miserably at that. All my morals I learned as a young girl and from my mother had gone down the drain last night.
I honestly have no idea how to go about my soap opera situation. Why did Matt want me? Why is he confusing me so much? I wanted to ask him but there was no way in hell I was risking getting into a messy situation again. I knew I shouldn't have checked on Matt last night. I should have known better. Fuck Jen. What's your problem? I let Matt cross the line once already and there was no denying it.
How was I going to face Alexia? Maybe I shouldn't go on this tour with them. Then Matt wouldn't try anything else and his time with Alexia wouldn't be ruined. Eyes Set To Kill would have to take their own tour bus with there being too many of us and it'd be too crowded. That would still give Matt a chance to do something we’d both regret. That thought made me uncomfortable.
I just wanted to spend my time with Zacky and forget anything ever happened with Matt. Should I tell Zacky the truth about what was going on? Surely he'd understand. Yes. I needed to talk to him, maybe tonight? I just needed to find a way to elude Matt all day until I could get some advice on the whole situation.
Hmm, maybe I could go for a walk? Nothing beats some good ole fresh air. So at that thought I slipped out of bed and grabbed a fresh set of clothes and walked quietly to the bathroom. I could hear loud voices and laughter down below and knew that the guys were all occupied so that I could have some peace to myself.
The warm water felt replenishing against my skin and for the ten minutes I was in there I found a small escape, forgetting about everyone and everything. I wish my life was simple. I missed those days. But they were gone and this was my life now so I needed to strap on my big girl pants and deal with it.
After I had finally finished showering and dressed myself in a pair of comfortable shorts and tank top, I left the bathroom and headed back to my room to put on some converses. I plugged in my headphones so that I could tune into my Linkin Park station that I played much too often. On my way downstairs I ran into my dad who looked a bit tired.
"Hey dad, I'm going outside for a bit to get some fresh air," I informed him with a fake smile.
"Alright honey. Be careful. If you need to go far my keys are up on the kitchen counter” he answered before continuing his way up the stairs.
The guys were sitting at the kitchen table finishing up breakfast and I of course had to say something to them to not seem rude.
“Morning,” I waved shyly to them while I continued to walk towards the door, not waiting for ant anyone to question where I was going.
Just as I had made it down the steps of the oversized house, I heard a voice from behind call my name.
“Jen! Jen wait!” I cringed at the sound of that voice. Matt.
“Matt, no. It's too early for this," I groaned in slight annoyance while partially waiting for his reaction.
“No Jen, I cant go another second without telling you what you need to hear. I really need to talk to you,” he demanded while grabbing my arm and spinning me around to face him. He looked both upset and concerned.
“Yeah, well I’m tired of fucking talking,” I snapped unintentionally but never apologized. I was so over everyone trying to talk to me. It never got me anywhere. I practically ripped my arm out of his grip and stormed away, hoping he wouldn’t pursue me.
“Jen please wait!” he cried as he sprinted to catch up to me.
“I told you already to leave me alone. I don’t want to talk to you right now. Every time we talk things get more complicated between us.” Why wouldn’t he give me my space? All I could do was continue to walk away and hold back my tears of frustration.
Why can’t Zacky be here when I need him, damnit?
"No Jen you have to listen to me becau-'
"Because why Matt!? You think some wonderful excuse is going to be enough too swoon me over? I'm not falling for that anymore," I stated clearly but that didn't stop him.
"Jen there's no need to feel guilty."
"Uhh...have you forgotten about Alexia???" I questioned him, crossing my arms over my chest.
"No I haven't. Jen...I have to come clean with something...."
"I don't care, Matt, because whatever lame excuse you're going to tell me is not going to be worth my time!" I yelled, throwing my arms in the air to help express my anger.
"Yeah it is. Please Jen I’m begging you..” I couldn’t run from him anymore. Even though I knew what he had to say wouldn’t change anything, I couldn’t keep ignoring him.
“What the fuck is it Matt??”
He looked at me for a moment before lowering his eyes to the ground and letting out a sigh.
"Jen, this isn’t something you’re going to want to here but I need to get it off my chest. When your dad told us about you two years ago, I thought that you were going to be one of those annoying obsessive girls that would be all over us so I asked Alexia to be in a relationship with me to keep you uninterested. But once I realized what kind of person you really were...it was too late. Jen...I'm sorry," he revealed regretfully and hearing that hurt more than anything else that's ever hurt me.
"Well you know what? I always thought that you were a really cool down to earth kind of guy that was like a brother I never had. And then I let my guard down coming here with all these crazy feelings and sexual frustration towards you. But I guess I was stupid to think that because you're really just one pathetic lying son-of-a-bitch," I said shakily through my tears as I glared at him.
"Jen, please don’t do this. I love you...."
"Are you fucking kidding me!? You're gonna tell me you love me after what you just said? Matt-- just get the fuck away from me..now. I'm done with you. I can't do this". I closed my eyes to try to hold my composure and not rip apart into a million pieces...or punch him for that matter.
"But Jen—"
"No Matt. There are no buts. I want you to go back inside. And when you go inside tell my dad I'm staying here while you guys are on tour," I said and I could see a wave of depression go through him.
"Alright," was all he said before he pathetically walked away, leaving me in my own pool of tears,unsure of what the hell just happened. I’ve lost myself again and I’m breaking. I’ve never felt this weak before. Part of me was crying for help, begging for another’s comfort and affection and the other part was dying, wanting to shut itself down and be away from the others, not caring what anyone else said. This is when I wish my mom was still alive….she’s the only one who’d truly understand.
Feeling suffocated by my thoughts, I pushed myself to walk down the driveway and find the sidewalk. I didn't know where I was going, but anywhere was better than being stuck inside that house. I wish someone could understand what I was going through fully, but it seemed impossible. I couldn't understand why my life had grown so complicated so quickly without even trying to make it that way.
As if my mind had been read, a warm reassuring arm slipped around my waist and gripped me tightly. I jumped in surprise, not hearing anyone come up behind me but quickly relaxed upon realizing who it was.
“Hey, where are you going? Why are you crying?” he asked softly but I couldn't get the nerve to explain myself or quit my sobbing for that matter. "Jen, hey babe no...take a deep breath and slow down," he cooed softly and I did my best to listen. It took a good five minutes to finally get myself together and I somehow managed to look up to him to find worry written all over his face.
"I just came out here to clear my thoughts and it turned out to be a terrible idea," I explained after gaining some composure.
"Well...if you're comfortable, let me walk with you and you can tell me what happened," he suggested and I nodded in agreement even though i felt completely uneasy at the idea of telling him what really happened.
"Matt has just been acting so different around me since I got here and I'm so confused as to why. To me he's like a big brother and I thought I was like a sister to him but all of a sudden he's admitting to these feelings that he has for me...." My stomach knotted up so much with what I was admitting to him and I was terrified that he would lose any and all feelings towards me after this conversation.
"Yeah I noticed that," Zacky admitted, slipping his hands into his pockets. My heart grew heavy with that gesture and I started to think this was a mistake. But I started so now I had to continue.
"I don't understand why. Since the day I met him I've viewed him as a big brother and to completely come up with this 'I need you in my and I love you’ crap out of nowhere just completely confused the hell out of me.”
“Wait he told you that he loves you?”
“Yes. But I don’t believe him.”
“Fuck,” I heard him whisper under his breath.
“Oh and let me add that he also enlightened me on the fact that his relationship with Alexia was so called staged all this time because before actually meeting me he was arrogant enough to think I would be a crazy fan girl and wanted to make sure I knew he was with someone. I mean after all this time how could he not have told me!?" I half shouted in anger. I was just so over this roller coaster of emotions I couldn't hold it any longer.
"Wow, I can't believe he did that. I honestly had no idea that he had been faking that relationship from the start and he's pretty good about being upfront and honest. I'm sorry he's making you feel this way, especially with what you're going through..."I could almost hear a hint of sadness in his tone.
"I just don't see the logic...I have never felt anything like that, towards him and because he threw me completely off guard I feel so overwhelmed...that's why I'm out here just trying to get some fresh air and clear my head, you know? I just want to be able to wake up and not feel like I have this weight on my shoulders because someone I care about is putting all this crazy shit on me and I'm afraid of saying the wrong thing and giving the wrong vibes when really I never had those intentions in the first place." My sentences scrambled out rather quicker than I wanted but it felt good to not have to hold back in a moment of shedding some light.
"I completely agree with you. I also think I might know why this is happening but I think It would be even more overwhelming to explain to you right now. I want you to feel like you could come to any of us for anything and with Matt being like this, I hope you know that you can come to me for anything no matter what," he emphasized while slinging his arm around my shoulder causally.
"Thank you Zacky. It means a lot to me," I smiled at him shyly after seeing that his eyes were stuck on me. If only you were mine.
There was a long silence between the two of us as we continued down the empty sidewalk with what I felt like was an uncomfortable distance between us.
"Hey Zacky..can I ask you something?"
"Ask away."
"It might sound stupid asking because of what happened last night but do you have feelings for me?” He stopped dead and spun me around to face him, my heart instantly racing.
"What makes you ask that? I mean aside from the obvious?" It was hard for me not to laugh when noticing his cheeks turn bright red which to me, confirmed Brian's statement.
" I'm sorry, maybe I shouldn't have asked that. I don’t know what I was thinking...”
"No, it's okay. I thought I had made that clear, especially after last night...I would have never done what I did to you last night if there wasn’t something there. I wanted to talk to you sooner but I was holding off after you telling us about everything you were going through. You're the first person that..." He hesitated for a moment with his sentence and folded his hands behind his head.
"That what?" I was hanging on to every word like any girl would watching a sappy love story. Except, I didn't know if this really was a "love" story or if love was even involved for that matter.
"You're just so young still and working so closely with your dad- the circumstances never seemed right for me to ever say anything. You're barely 18 so I kept my feelings to myself in hopes of maybe getting over them like a normal crush. But this isn’t a normal crush. It’s so different with you." If my heart hadn't sank as far as it could go, it would have sank a hundred miles further into the ground with what just came out of his mouth. My celebrity crush was admitting to my face that he had a crush on me but didn't WANT to have one because I was too young. Can I just die now, please!?
I was absolutely numb, broken, and crushed at this point. Well I asked for the truth so that's what I got right? How could I possibly think that this would turn into a magical fairytale? Maybe it was because I had tried so hard in kindling the fire inside of me that allowed me to believe there were genuine guys out there that didn't care enough about these little details to stop them from loving someone. Not that I thought Zacky had felt any type of love towards me, but I knew he had feelings. Fuck. First Matt and now Zacky....
"Jen.JEN. Hello? Are you listening to me?" I was so deep into my own thoughts I had no idea Zacky has continued talking. But quite frankly I had heard though.
"I'm sorry Zacky but I think this conversation was a mistake in itself and I really can't handle hearing any more bad news without feeling like I want to step in front of a car," I told him before exhaling hard and started to head back.
"Jen wait! Did you not hear anything I just said?" I could sense some frustration in his tone that caused me to feel uneasy.
"No, but it's probably better that I didn't. I think I've heard enough," I uttered softly with tears yet again in my eyes. I quickly wiped them away and held my gaze on the cracks and crevices of the sidewalk to avoid any more vulnerability.
"Jen wait! Please.."he pleaded with desperation evident in his tone.
"You're overwhelmed, I get it. But I don't want you to take what I'm saying in the wrong way. I'm not good at explaining myself but please know I'm trying my best to express what I'm feeling. I really like you, probably more than I'll admit. But I don't think, with what you've been experiencing and what Matts done to you, that this is the time for me to talk to you about this. I don't know what I'd do if I upset you to the point you didn't want to talk to me or keep our friendship. Does that make sense?" He explained softly as he brushed the strands of hair out of my face, causing me to tense up.
Friendship. Yeah, this conversation was a mistake.
“So was last night supposed to mean anything? Or am I supposed to pretend it didn’t happen?” I questioned partially out of anger.
“Jen no I think you’re taking this the wrong way. I loved every minute of what happened last night. If you let me do it again I will. But that’s not the only thing I care about. What I feel is more than that. You are special to me and I want to make you feel that way, okay?”
He stood in front of me and placed a hand on the side of my face. He was perfect in every way possible.
“You are so captivating,” I whispered as I began to bite on my bottom lip.
Without warning, he pressed his lips to mine with clear hunger, causing me to gasp.
When he pulled away, he had a devilish grin on his face that I found absolutely adorable.
“I told you not to bite your lip. There’s consequences when you don’t listen, darling.”
“Well if that’s your way of punishing me then I’ll make sure to do it more often,” I giggled as we both turned around to walk home.
“Smart ass.”
"And please..." He turned suddenly to me and placed his hand against my cheek once again, "Don't you dare waste your tears over anyone who makes you feel the urge to cry. You are too beautiful to let someone make you cry like this, okay? I don't know how many times I've had to hint that to you recently but don't forget that," he added before kissing my cheek and continuing to walk back home with me.
I was silent the entire way back in awe at the way he was able to make me feel so...good about myself it was surreal. Weather anything ever happened between the two of us was irrelevant because even as a friend he somehow made me feel like I was the luckiest girl to be alive. Quite frankly, I'd be selfish to ask for anything more.
*******