Pitch Black Heaven

The nurses said I was able to walk out of the hospital but Zach insisted he carry me. It was sort of an awkward situation when he knocked my legs out from underneath me and carried me out the door, it reminded me of the kiss we had shared last night. And like out first, I didn't know what it meant between us.

"If I ask you a question... will you answer me truthfully?" Zach asked, as we crossed the lot towards his car.

I thought about it before speaking. "Okay..." He seemed to realize the reluctance in my voice.

"Did you make that cut on your arm yourself?" He questioned me, looking ahead. I was surprised by this, it wasn't what I had expected.

It was a few moments before I finally got my words out. "No, never." I answered, shaking my head. I frowned wondering why he would even consider that, I got a hunch when I saw his hard face looking unconvinced. "Why would you think that?" I questioned him back, measuring his expression though he didn't look at me.

"You've had a tough couple of weeks... you dad dying for one." He finally looked at me, seriously looking deep into my eyes like they were deep pools of answers to the pool of questions in his mind.

"No! I would never do something like that... I'm fine, really!" I snapped, crossly. Now it was my turn to ignore his eyes, craving mine. He didn't continue on the subject so I was able to silently calm down. He carried me to my seat, opening the door and placing me in the seat while setting my duffel bag of clothes on my lap. He walked around to the other side and got in, the car flying forward immediately. I knew exactly where we were going, we were going to see my dad. Mum had given me the address of the cemetery and we were going there right now.

"Hand me the address." Zach ordered. I pulled the worn bit of paper from my back pocket and handed it to him. He studied the address for a moment before handing it back. As I slipped it back into my pocket I couldn't help but peek at the cut on my arm. I unraveled the bandage, careful to keep this from Zachs eyes. It was pretty Gorey, there were still visible stitches and some sort of brown disinfectant had stained the skin around the cut. I wrapped the banadage back around my arm. I was quite sure it would scar, and I was quite sure I would cop so much shit for this when I went back to school. If I ever went back. School suddenly consumed my mind, was I ever going back.

"Rhi!" Zach exclaimed, the car screeching as it stopped. We both jerked forward. "What are you doing!" He howled, prying my hands from my thighs. I only then noticed I was clawing at them, my fingernails trying to dig through the skin. I relaxed my fingers as he pinned my hands above my head.

I started panting. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry." I didn't want to cry in front of him so I looked away even when he tried desperately to hold my gaze.

"Why are you sorry?! Just tell me why you're trying to kill yourself!" His tone was frantic and I didn't need to see his eyes to know he was beyond worry.

"I'm not..." I sniffled, a salty tear rolling down to my lips. "Its hard you know... I thought you of all people would understand that." My voice dropped to a whipper and I sunk deeper into the leather seat. His deep brown hair was almost black today.

"Of course I understand, I know loosing your father it hard for you... trust me, I know. But I can't bear seeing you hurting yourself. I don't know what to believe... " He mumbled. He took my right arm and held it up, examining the gash up my arm. "Who did this to you?" He whispered, running his finger up the bandage so softly I only just felt it.

"Liam." I grunted. Another tear cascaded down my face and rolled off my jaw bone. Holding back the tears was more anguish than being stuck under a cabinet and on top of broken china. Zach didn't speak, he just nodded sharply and hit the gas again one finger resting on the gash on my hand. A sudden fear of death shrouded my mind making it impossible to think straight.

I wanted to say 'Go ahead, you have nothing to loose'. But I had too much to loose, I had my amazing friends, my mother who was now alone, excitement, and Zach. It had taken me my whole life time to gain acceptance and as selfish as I felt, I didn't want to throw it away.

Zach pulled up on the side walk, not bothering to drive around to the parking lot. I breathed in the light air, I could almost smell my fathers musky sent drifting towards me.

"You gonna be okay?" Zach wondered, measuring my expression. I could only nod. I didn't dare touch Zach, my heart was far to fragile for my reaction if our skin made contact. I knew exactly where to go, I only vaguely remembered where mum had said dads grave was but instinct led me most of the way. I felt stupid when I found the row, thinking that in the place of my fathers tomb stone would be him in flesh and bone. As I said, stupid.

"Dad?" I whispered to the breeze. I wanted to tell Zach to follow me to his tomb stone but my voice got caught up in my throat. He waited politely on the end of the row, nodding in encouragement when I looked back.

"Just go Rhiannon." He pushed lightly, a faint smile lightened his face. I stood still in front of my fathers tomb, not sure how to react. I finally knelt, my eyes level with his name, engraved in the thick, Grey marble. I reached out with trembling fingers and touched it, then leaning forward I kissed his name. My breathing was jagged when I pulled back, staring at the words perfectly carved. I noticed Zach watching me quietly, no sign of confusion or impatience. I ran my hand over the stone, tears gathering in my eyes, clouding my vision.

"I miss you." I breathed, I shocked myself by smiling. "I didn't realize how huge a part you played in my life..." My words were sort of slurred, my jaw shaking. "Now your gone... and I've never felt so empty." I looked to Zach briefly.

He smiled. "Go on." He whispered.

Tears wouldn't stop flowing as I turned back. "Why do they tell you to go after your dreams? Then when you finally reach it they take it away, take away the whole reason you strived to reach them." I sniffled, my sentence one big inhale.

"I don't know what to do... I have everything I've ever wanted. But its not the same, not without you." I was amazed at how effortlessly the words came to me.

"What about Liam dad? How do I kill my own brother?!" My voice became panicked but before I could become hysterical I remembered my fathers face.

"He still calls me Mi-Mi..." I mumbled through tears. "Remember? You used to call me that..." Memories flooded back, I clung to them like I had once clung to my fathers coat when he took me to my first day of school. I jerked forward, a rush of emotion possessing me. My muscles seemed to melt when I wrapped my arms around his grave stone. "I'm so lost." I whispered to the marble, like it had ears of its own. "I need your help dad, Mum too. Liam needs your help." Zach's footsteps were barely audible as he knelt by my side.

"Its okay." He comforted.

I squeezed my eyes shut and kissed dads name again before whispering to the stone. "I love you." Simple, yet nothing but the truth. I stood up, Zach getting to his feet too. "Lets go." I muttered with a half hearted smile. He followed me to his car, I didn't dare look back to dad's grave. The temptation to stay here forever was too great. I yearned to go home and see my mother and tell her everything would be better soon. But the future was unpredictable.

The silence was an awkward one as we drove down the highway. I fiddled constantly with my fingers, at one point placing my hand on my thigh and lining them up perfectly. I thought I would go nuts if he didn't say something.

"Rhiannon would you please stop fiddling." He said as we reached a stop light. I bit my lips and pulled my fingers apart. "How do you feel about going somewhere with me?" He asked when the light blinked green. I felt a little nervous, not sure whether I truly did or not.

It was a moment before I opened my mouth. "Sure." I failed to sound as enthusiastic as I'd hoped.

He chuckled. "Don't be scared. I just want to take you to this place, and show you something ." He reassured me. I frowned to myself.

"We'll need some money though." He mumbled, mainly to himself.

I frowned deeper. "Why? Where are we going?" I questioned, evidently suspicious.

"Washington." He said nonchalantly.

I stared at him, my mouth gaping. "Don't you think thats a little far to go just to show me something?!" I exclaimed once I composed myself. He seemed amused at first before his teen smirk brightened his features.

"Well the others can come, we can show you around Washington. And our old places." He explained me with a tight smile. I nodded staring ahead. I suddenly wondered what dad would say about me running off with a teenage boy and his gang of delinquents. "So do you wanna go?" He asked, his voice not sounding pushy. He - unlike most - was really giving me the choice.

"No, no. I do want to go." I assured him grinning till I could look away. I wasn't worried about running off with him, or the trip to Washington. I was just didn't know how to react to the skeletons in his closet, his deepest darkest secrets. I knew this trip to Washington would bring more that just fun and laughter.

***

Our plane was called and the group stood up and walked towards Gate 5. Mum grabbed my wrist before I could follow them.

If I wasn't mistaken I think there were tears in her eyes. "Promise me you'll look after yourself." She pursed her lips and glared at me sternly.

"Mum I'll be fine-" I began.

Mum cut me off. "Promise me." She muttered, giving me her 'evil eye'.

I sighed. "Okay, I promise." I mumbled, giving up. She finally smiled and pulled me into a hug.

Before she pulled away she whispered in my ear. "If you don't come back it'll be your boyfriend I'll be holding responsible." She warned me. I opened my mouth to protest and remind her Zach was not my boyfriend, but she didn't let me speak. "Bye baby girl, I'll miss you!" She called as I waved, she blew me a kiss and she soon disappeared behind the line of people ready to board the plane.

Pitch Black Heaven - © MemoriesdonoJustice / Rose Tonis 2009