Harder Than You Know

Nightmare’sPOV:

It was way too early to be doing sound check. My mind was all over the place. I have been sleeping with Craig and I really am falling for him but fucking Gerard just won’t get out of my head. He was my first everything. My head is trying it’s best to convince my heart that I’m over him but my heart is still having a hard time excepting it. Every time Craig sings Harder Than You Know, my mind drifts back to Gerard. I guess I’m all over the place because our idiot managers have us doing a benefit concert and I know that My Chem is in on it too. For the last twenty four hours I’ve been fighting with Craig and Vengeance has been there to help him out. She has a soft spot for Craig. They are so fucking close you would think they were dating. “Nightmare! What is your fucking problem?” Patrick snapped at me. Patrick was in full blown bitch mode. “Fuck off you sissy fucking bitch! It’s too god damned early to fuck with me Patty Cakes!” I snapped back. “That’s it Nightmare. Go back to the buses and come back with a better attitude.” Oh no he didn’t just say that too me. “Who are you, my fucking mom? What are you grounding me?” I was now in hyper mode. Vengeance and Craig looked at me and Craig came up and hugged me “Come on babe. Why don’t you just go back to bed. Max is in your same mood that is why we left his ass at the bus. You’ll feel better after some more sleep.”
I was stomping off to our bus when I noticed that Mindless Self Indulgence’s bus was right next to ours. Yep, Gerard’s fucking wife is in this too. My mood just went down to an even darker place now. I wanted to smash the fuck out of something. Just as I took a swing at the side of my bus Ray appeared out of now where. I smashed him in the chest. “Damn Nightmare! What the hell did I do too you?” “Oh Shit Ray! I wanted to hit the bus not you.” Ray laughed “Yeah! Well you missed! What’s wrong? I haven’t seen you like this in a while. Fighting with Craig?” I kicked at a rock “Yeah that too. I fucking miss you guys but I really don’t want to see Gee and that bitch he calls a wife.” Ray looked down at his shoes “Nightmare, they are kinda having problems. Since the concert that Gee and Frank went too he’s been…Uh…you know….talking about you a lot and so she isn’t even on our bus she went back to her own.” I couldn’t help but grin. “Yeah well, sorry Ray. I just have nothing but hate for her and I always will. I do hope she makes Gerard happy. I gotta go. I’ll catch up with you later. Give the guys a hug for me man.” He nodded and I boarded my bus.
As I went to sit on the couch I noticed a jacket. “Oh HELL MOUTHER FUCKING NO!” I headed for the bunk area. The sounds coming from there were not Max sleeping. If he’s fucking around on Vengeance I’ll fucking rip him limb from fucking limb. I ripped the curtain back and my face dropped in RAGE! Max jumped off of her grabbing for his jeans. I shoved him aside “I’ll fucking deal with you after I fucking rip this bitch apart.” Max was trying his best to hold me back. I may be a little person but stand the fuck back when I’m pissed. To make it worse I was fucking sober. I shoved Max back into the bunk on the other side. “SIT! MOVE AND I SWEAR TO GOD YOU WILL DIE NOW!” I took a deep breath and shouted “YOU FUCKING SLUT! THIS IS NOT YOUR MAN! DOES GERARD KNOW WHAT THE FUCK HE IS MARRIED TOO?” Lyn-z pulled her shirt down over her head and glared at me “If you know what is good for you Night-fucking-mare you will keep your little whore mouth shut and…..” Down she went! One punch to her face. Not only was she fucking my best friends boyfriend on OUR bus but she was hurting Gerard. Why the fuck do I care about that???
Max tried to pull me off of Lyn-z but we were beating the hell out of each other. I had her down in the living area and Max was screaming “Nightmare stop. You are going to kill her.” I let her up and Max helped her to her bus. All three of us were covered in blood. I got off the bus and started walking really fast. I didn’t even know where the hell I was going. I was by the grass area in the venue when I went to punch the tree in front of me. A familiar hand reached out and stopped me. “Nightmare…what happened to you? Oh sugar, who did this to you?” Gerard pulled me into his chest. I lost it and the tears started falling from my eyes. “Gerard, we need to talk.” He had one arm around my waist pulling me into his body while the other hand was stroking my hair. I could tell he was breathing in my scent. “Of course sugar. Anything you want babe. Nightmare if Craig did this I will kill him.” I looked into the eyes of the man my heart won’t let go of. “No Gee, Craig didn’t do this. Come on let’s get the fuck out of here.” I grabbed his hand and pulled him with me. I didn’t stop until we were in the media room. I shoved him through the door and locked it behind us.
I sat on the long couch and sighed “Gee…I’m so fucking sorry.” He looked at me funny “What is it Nightmare? You can tell me anything.” I took a deep breath and looked into those beautiful eyes “Gerard I kinda beat the shit out of your wife.” His head snapped up “you what? Nightmare, I thought you knew she was pregnant. Why would you do that?” The tears spilled from my eyes as his thumb whipped them from my swollen face. I know I’m going to hurt him when I tell him and I also know he’s going to blow up. “Gerard, I went back to my bus and caught her fucking Max! I just…lost it! You don’t deserve to be treated like that. I mean…” I fell silent. Gerard just sat there. He didn’t say anything and his expression never changed. “Nightmare, I’m sorry she did that to Vengeance. She is pissed at me for…well for….FUCK! She’s pissed at me because I’m still in love with you.” Gerard put his head in his hands. I looked at him “Yeah well, I’m still in love with you and it will never stop but, I thought we got passed all of this. I mean you are married to her and you are going to be a dad.” He nodded and then looked at me “Did you just say you still love me?” I nodded and added “Yeah but I’m Craig’s girlfriend now Gee.” He slid closer to me “Fine. Do you love him? I mean really love him? The way you love me?” SHIT! Why did he have to ask me that? “Look Gerard, I love Craig. Maybe not as much as I should but I’m trying really hard.” The tears started again. Fuck! Why can’t I get over this man? Craig is just as gorgeous, and so much better to me. Why does my heart still want Gerard? Why do I have to tell myself that I love Craig? It should just come natural to me. Like when I fell in love with Gerard. DAMN that’s it. I never got my heart back. He never gave it back to me. We ended too suddenly. Twice! “Damn it Gerard! Yes I fucking love you! I just want to be with someone who loves me back and well Craig does….” Gerard pulled me into his lips. His hands slid under the back of my shirt rubbing my bare back. His tongue tangling with mine. My hands were tangled in his hair pulling him closer to me. Gerard deepened the kiss. I felt my knees going weak. Damn it! I love Gerard Fucking Way.
Gerard whispered in my ear “Nightmare, I love you sugar, I always have and I want you back. Please sugar…I’ll beg if I have too. I want you babe. I have to have you.” I couldn’t say no if I wanted to but God knows I don’t want to. “I want you back too. Just give me a little time. I have to make things right with Craig first. I really do care for him. I just can’t give him my heart when it belongs to you and always has.” “Fine sugar, I’ll give you today but, tonight you are mine again. Even if I have to break it off with Craig for you.” Gerard kissed me again and added “Your heart is something I’ll never give up! You will be mine no matter what Nightmare. You are the one and only person I’ve ever loved like this. I’ll see you after the concert. I love you babe.” I smiled “I love you too Gerard Way. I always have.” We left the media room Gerard heading out to talk to Lyn-z and me in search of Vengeance and Craig.
As I made my way back to the stage I was stopped by Max. “Nightmare please don’t say anything. I really don’t want to hurt my girl.” I laughed “Which one Max? Vengeance or Lyn-z? I don’t give a duck fuck what you want.” I pulled away with Max following. Patrick tried to stop me. “Nightmare what the hell happened to you? Where did all the blood come from?” I laughed “From the last person to cross paths with me. Why are you next? Step off and let me at my friends.” Patrick moved to the side and fell in behind a depressed Max. Vengeance turned from her conversation with Craig and looked at me, then too Max. Both Craig and Vengeance had worried looks on their faces. Vengeance finally spoke “What the fuck happened to you?” I laughed “Lyn-z’s face!” Craig went pale and Max looked away. I looked at my boyfriend and best friend “Come on guys we need to talk.”
We got back onto our bus and sat at the table. I finally looked at Max and sighed. “I caught pretty boy here on top of nasty bitch Lyn-z. He…..” Max cut me off. “Vengeance, baby, it meant nothing. She’s been a fuck and dump for a year now. It….you are the one I love.” Vengeance got up and left the room with Max following close behind. Craig looked at me “What is it Nightmare? I know there is more to this. I can see it in your eyes.” I looked away and then back to Craig. He is so good looking and so fucking sweet. I really don’t want to hurt him. “Look Craig, you know I love you right?” He nodded with a little bit of sadness in his eyes. “Well uhm, Craig damn it! This is just so….FUCK!” Craig cut me off. “Nightmare I think I know what you are going to say. Gerard is here and you caught Max with his wife. You have a long history with him. You never loved me like you love him.” He looked down with tears in his eyes. I looked at him and said “Craig Mabbitt, you are way too good for me. I will always love you but, I’m totally in love with Gerard. I’m so sorry. I never wanted to hurt you. I’m….” Craig cut me off “I know. I love you too. I understand. I think I always knew you were not over him.” He stood up and placed a kiss on my forehead “Good luck Nightmare. I wish you well.”