Love the One You're With

We Were 18

It was Christmas time, we were at the annual Parise Family Christmas party. My parents were out of town and wouldn’t be returning until the next day so they were unable to make it to the party. Zach and I were together most of the night, until his Aunt, who I hadn’t met before that night, asked him if he could talk. Zach kissed me lightly and winked at me as he walked down the hall with Aunt Linda.

I immediately went to the kitchen to help Zach’s mom. I cut some cheese and fruit to add to the platters already scattered around the house. Then Zach’s mom asked me to get him to empty the trash bags. I offered to do it, but she insisted it was not a woman’s job.

I walked down the hallway to get Zach. He was in his room with Aunt Linda; the door wasn’t fully shut, and I could hear them talking.

“I just want you to be careful Zach, girls like that can get really clingy. You never know what lengths they’ll go to, to hold on to you.” Was she talking about me?

"What are you saying Aunt Linda?” Zach asked

“Honey, you’re going to be going to the NHL; do you really want to have to drag your hometown girlfriend with you?” My heart sank. Why was she saying all this? She didn't even know me. “And you never know what she’ll do if she expects you’re going to leave her. She might even get pregnant.” My eyes grew huge, and I could feel the tears poking the back of them. Was she really trying to break us up?

“That’s not Phoebe; she would never do anything like that.” Zach assured her.

“Zachery, she’s not good enough for you dear. There will be hundreds of girls, don’t choose so soon. Leave your options open.”

I couldn’t hear any more. I ran down the hallway, out the front door and straight home to my house. I sat curled up in the dark with a blanket in the farthest corner of my living room sobbing. Maybe I wasn’t good enough for Zach. Maybe he would break things off when he went to the NHL. Maybe he should explore his other options. All my thoughts made me feel sick. I was going to lose him. Somehow despite my sobbing I fell asleep.

I felt arms come around me and pick me up, and out of instinct my arms went around his neck. He carried me to my bedroom, laid me on the bed and crawled in beside me.

“You heard my Aunt, didn’t you?” he asked softly.

“Yes,” was the only thing I could squeak out without bursting into tears again.

“Phoebe, she’s an old woman who was never married. She could never understand how much I love you, or how I’d fall apart without you.”

“But Zach, what if she’s right. What if I’m not good enough for you? What if you go off to the NHL, and you find someone else?” Zach laughed. “It’s not funny!” I scolded and now tears were running down my cheeks.

“I’m sorry Pheebs, it’s just I always wonder if I’m good enough for you. You give up so much for me and my hockey. You are the most incredible person I know, and to hear you question if you’re good enough for me, makes me laugh. You know what I think? I think we belong together Phoebe, and if I go to the NHL you are coming with me. We will make it work.”

I smiled up at him as he wiped my tears. “Not if you make it, when you make it to the NHL.”

****

I woke up before Zach the next morning, and decided to surprise him with breakfast in bed. He was so tired that he didn't even notice when I wiggled out of his arms. I got to the kitchen and turned on the coffee and started assessing the omelet situation. I heard a door open and close and wondered if it was Zach ruining my surprise. When the figure walked in the kitchen, I was startled to see Travis giving me a dirty look.

"Good morning Travis. Can I make breakfast for you and Michelle?" I thought maybe this could be a peace offering.

"No, I don't think so," he responded coldly.

"Travis did I do something to upset you?" I asked innocently.

"I can't believe you're asking me that."

"I'm sorry, but I really don't know why your angry with me."

"What do you think is going to happen when you leave and go back to your fiancé? You’re going to leave Zach, go back to your life in Pittsburgh, and I'm going to be left to pick up the pieces. The worst part is that you are totally leading him on. He actually believes he has a chance with you."

I was completely shocked, and wasn't sure how to respond to him. So I just turned around.

"What's the matter precious Phoebe. Are you upset that you don't have everyone here fooled? Are you ready to tell me you're leaving your fiance for Zach?"

Tears came to my eyes as I took in every word that came from his lips. The reason I couldn't dispute what he was saying is that at least some of it was true. I wasn’t ready to say I’d break things off with Joe. I didn’t know where this thing with Zach would end up.

"You're just using him, and you make me sick." Travis spat.

Tears were rolling down my cheeks now as I turned to face him. "You know Travis, some of what you said is actually true. No matter what happens when I leave here, whether I get married or I don't, I love Zach with everything in me."

"What's going on out here?" We both turned to see Zach standing in the doorway. I walked past Zach and out of the kitchen to his room.

I crawled into bed and laid there face down. Travis's words were ringing in my ears and I knew they would haunt me.

The door opened and closed and Zach crawled into bed on top of me. "Zach you're squishing me."

"I like to squish you Pheebs." I didn’t respond so he rolled off me and laid beside me. "Phoebe what did he say?"

"Nothing Zach."

"Tell me, I'll kill him. I swear."

I turned around and looked up at him. "It doesn't matter Zach, I'm not going to let him ruin our last hours together." I leaned in and gave him a soft kiss on his lips. He kissed me back a little harder, and everything Travis said left my mind at least temporarily.

****

I walked out of the airport and looked for Joe who had insisted on picking me up. He was waving from across the parking lot, so I started the walk toward him. His arms reached around me, and shivers went down my body. We're not talking butterflies, or fireworks, we're talking 'I really don't want him touching me' shivers.

"I missed you so much," he said in my ear.

"You too," I lied.

After a short kiss which made me uncomfortable, he put my bags in the trunk, and he drove me home. "Can I stay?" he asked. It was late, and I knew what he meant by asking to stay.

"I'm really tired baby." was my response. He made sad puppy dog eyes, but I stood my ground. He left after helping me carry in my bags, but not before I managed to give him a convincing kiss.

I crawled in to my bed and couldn't help thinking it felt empty. I laid there and couldn't get Zach's smile out of my mind, or our final moments together. It was so hard to let go and walk away, ending the fairy tale that was the last few days.

There was a knock on my door. "Come on in Sid," I called out.

"Phoebe, I thought I heard you come in." He jumped on the bed and gave me a hug, then rolled over leaning on his elbow. "So how's Zach?"

"Good. He's good."

"How good?" he asked raising his eyebrows.

"Oh Sid."

"So you gonna stop all this wedding nonsense?"

"Sidney!" He leaned over and kissed my forehead. "I watched your games, you were pretty amazing." I said changing the subject.

"We missed you, but I 'm glad you got to spend time with Zach."

"I really did have fun Sid. Thanks for making me go."

"When will you see him again?" Sid asked.

"I don't know." I replied, I just hoped it would be soon. "I miss him already."

He pulled me closer, and I could feel him smile. I knew he was hoping for me to tell him everything had changed, and I wasn't getting married. I still couldn't say that; I needed to think.

****

I watched each of Zach's playoff games intently. It was game four at MSG, and I sat on the couch with Sidney hoping the Devils could eliminate the Rangers tonight. The Devils came out strong and took an early lead 2-0 at the end of the first. By the end of period two the score was tied 2-2, and I was sitting on the edge of my seat waiting for the third period to start. Period three seemed to drag on forever, both goalies holding off all shots. There were three minutes left in the period when Sid grabbed my hand. "He's got time," he said reassuringly.

Sid was right with 43 seconds left Zach scored the winning goal. Sid and I both jumped and cheered. "What are you cheering about Crosby? You might end up playing him."

"Ya, but I've got Zach's number. I can take him."

"Oh really."

"You can bet on it Pheebs. Now go call him, you know he's waiting to hear from you."

I couldn't wait to congratulate Zach. I wished I had been at the game. Zach wanted me to come, but I had the gallery to look after. I ran to my room and called, but got voicemail. That was understandable, with the celebration and interviews. I waited an hour and called back. Getting voicemail again, I decided not to leave a message. I was sure he'd call me. Another hour passed, and my phone didn't ring. I was getting tired and all I could think of where the girls probably hanging on Zach now. Maybe he was even at home with some puck bunny now. I closed my eyes and tried to think of something else, but the vision of Jenny kept popping into my head. Eventually sleep over came me and the thoughts of Zach and his affairs finally dissipated.

****

I figured I was dreaming when I felt his arms wrap around my waist and pull me into him. My eyes opened and it wasn't a dream. He was here. "Oh my god Zach! What are you doing here." I asked excited despite just waking up.

"You're the only one I want to celebrate with Phoebe." he said smiling at me.

I felt like such a fool for my earlier thoughts, but also knew he had every right to be with another girl.

I pulled his face in closer and kissed him softly. When I pulled away, Zach's hand went to my face and traced the outline of my cheek down my jaw and then neck resting at my collar bone. He was giving me a look that was familiar, but I hadn't seen it in a long time. It shot butterflies through my body. I closed my eyes trying to decide how to respond, but the decision was made for me as Zach moved closer and placed kisses in the exact same places his hand had just touched. I let out a moan letting him know I approved and his hands pulled my tank over my head. His lips went to mine sending shock waves through my body. There was no resisting what was about to happen. I pulled off his shirt, and he stopped for a moment looking into my eyes. He wanted me to say it was Ok. It was Ok, it was more than OK. I pulled him on top of me and my body quaked with the feeling of his skin touching mine. As we went through the motions of getting reacquainted with the intimate details of each other's bodies, I couldn't help but notice how complete he made me feel. Like I had finally found the other piece of me.

We laid there naked holding each other after making love for the first time in nearly four years. I was so happy laying on his chest listening to his heartbeat. This is how we would always lay together after we made love. His one hand played with my hair and the other held me tight to him. I was successful thus far at keeping thoughts of the situation at bay so when Zach spoke, I grew nervous that it would all come flooding back.

"Phoebe." I looked up at him. "I love you." Despite his words he didn't look as happy as I would have expected.

"I love you too Zach. What's wrong?"

"We need to talk about this, us, what just happened." This was the conversation I dreaded. I didn't want to think about this now.

"Can we just be together tonight Zach? I promise we can talk about it in the morning." He looked at me doubtfully. "I promise."His expression softened, and I leaned up and kissed him. "You've got to be exhausted, go to sleep." I told him.

"I love you Pheebs," he said closing his eyes.

****

Zach and I both woke up to my phone buzzing. I didn't pick it up or look at. Instead I pulled myself in closer to Zach and gave him the kiss we had grown accustomed to giving each other when we woke up together. "Good morning beautiful," he said and made me smile. "Last night Phoebe. I didn't plan..."

I put my lips to his making him stop mid sentence. "Zach, last night was amazing, and I wanted it every bit as much as you did."

"Phoebe, we need to talk about us and what this means."

My phone buzzed again. I tried to ignore it, but picked it up to see who was calling. It was Joe. I laid it back down on the night stand.

"Lover boy?" Zach asked. I nodded. I had grown used to Zach and Sid calling him Lover boy, now wasn't the time to correct him.

"Phoebe, what did last night mean? What did it mean to you?"

I just couldn't answer without him answering the same question first. "Zach, what do you want it to mean?"

"I want you to tell me you're not going to marry him. I want you to tell me we can be together again officially. I want to be Zach and Phoebe again."

For the first time since Zach came back into my life there were no alarms going off in my mind. No part of me was begging me to resist him. I finally felt like we could be together again, so I took the leap of faith. "I'm going to break it off with Joe. I only want to be with you Zach." I got to see that Zach Parise smile that I love so much and made me know that I was making the right decision. "I'll tell him today. I just feel so bad; he has no idea it's coming."

"Pheebs. I don''t think he's that naive. Do you think he can't see what's between us?"

"I don't know, but I know it is going to devastate him." It was going to kill him, and he'd always been so good to me. I had no idea how I was going to tell him.

My phone buzzed again for the 3rd time. "Maybe you should get it." Zach suggested.

"The only person I want to talk to is in my bed, and I plan to take advantage of that." I turned my phone off.

"So you just want to talk?" Zach teased.

"Nope." I pulled myself on top of him.

"Good," he said giving in to my kisses. This was all I needed to forget what I was going to have to do later today.

****

An hour later Zach and I had fallen back to sleep after making love. There was a hard knock on my door. "Phoebe, phoebe, open up." It was Sid and he sounded serious.

I kissed Zach softly and threw hiss t-shirt on to open the door. "What Sidney?" I asked opening the door.

Sid saw Zach in my bed and realized what had been going on. His initial reaction was a smile, but it faded quickly. He had a phone in his hand. He covered it up and whispered, "It's Joe, and I think you better take it."

My eyes went to Zach's, and I could see the disapproval in his eyes. I knew he had been calling. "Sid just give me one sec. I'll be right out."

Sid turned away and closed the door behind him.

I walked over to the bed. "I love you Zach Parise. I have to tell him anyway. Just let me talk to him so I can meet him later OK?"

Zach pulled me in for a quick kiss. "I trust you Pheebs."

I pulled on a pair of sweats and walked to the living room.