Love the One You're With

One Year Later - how could I skip a whole year you ask? Well the details are kind of painful, but where I am a year later is a better place. Don't worry, I'll fill you in.
-----
Over a year ago I had the heartbreaking conversation with Zach, telling him that I'd slept with Joe. It was still fresh in my memory how his neck turned red, and he walked out of the room without saying a word. I hadn't seen or heard from him since. He didn't give me a chance to explain. I wanted him to know the circumstances, to know why, but deep down I knew it wouldn't have mattered. When he left that room, I knew I'd lost the love of my life.

After waiting, hoping for Zach to return, and him not coming back, I eventually made my way back to Joe's. I knew immediately that I couldn’t stay there. Joe once made me forget about Zach, but now he added to my painful memory of why I couldn't be with him. His loving touches made me want to squirm away. I thought telling Zach about sleeping with Joe was the hardest thing I ever had to do, that was until I had to tell Joe we were over.

"Phoebe, please reconsider this. I love you," he said with his hand pressed gently to my face. He wiped my tears with his thumb.

"I know Joe. You've been so good to me, but this is something I really have to do."

He had tears in his eyes, and I knew I was breaking his heart. "I want you to be happy Phoebe. I never made you happy like he did.”

I looked at him, not understanding.

"Zach. I'm not stupid Phoebe. It's always been Zach for you. Something tells me it's always going to be him and no other man stands a chance."

I just shook my head losing more tears. I hoped it wasn't true, but deep down I knew it was.

I moved back in with Sid who welcomed me with open arms. I realized now how much I needed him especially now that Zach was gone again. During the rest of their playoff run, Sid dragged me around everywhere with him. When I wasn’t working I was with him at practices or games or hanging with him and the guys.

I knew Sid felt guilty about Zach. He never expected him to take it so hard. He was sure Zach would come around, but when the season started up again, Sidney finally gave up on the idea that there was a future for Zach and I.

----------Present Day

"I can't wear this to the wedding," I bellowed to the boys sitting on the couch across from the dressing rooms.

"What's wrong with that dress?" Jordan called out. "You look hot."

"Sexy!" Kris said.

"Thank you boys, but I think slutty is the word I would use. How about this one?" I asked holding up a simple black dress.

"Boring!" Max yelled out.

"Blah." Jordan added.

"Try it on Pheebs," Sidney my savior and only ally in the war of the dresses said.

Minutes later I emerged from the dressing room with a knowing smile. On the rack this dress was simple but when I put it on it hit all my curves perfectly. The neckline plunged just enough and the length was just short enough to be sexy and classic at the same time. It was definitely me. All four boys were speechless. "So I guess this is the one then." I got three nods and a "Yes finally." from Max.

I was buying this dress for my sister’s wedding. When she called me to say she was getting married I was surprised. The call came only weeks after I had called her to let her know I was calling off my wedding to Joe. I had no idea she was even dating seriously, let alone close to getting married.

Who she was marrying was an even bigger surprise, and the reason this dress was so important. She was marrying Jordan Parise, Zach’s older brother. Jordan and Chelsea hated each other growing up. Everyone hated Chelsea really, but Jordan hated her the most. I think they even got into a fist fight when they were like ten. Apparently when Jordan was home from Austria last summer, he bumped into her, literally, in the grocery store. They both laughed at their funny childhood relationship. They had lunch which lead to sex back at Chelsea's apartment. (More than I needed to know.) The sex must have been great though, because they'd been together ever sense.

I was really happy for them, but still having a little trouble picturing it. I guess the only bad part was the one jab my sister threw into the news when she told me. "Who would have ever guessed I'd be the one marrying a Parise?" I'm sure she didn't mean anything by it, but I spent the next two days crying.

Kris carried my dress box, Sidney carried the boxes of shoes, Max had the hangers with the other clothes I'd purchased for the trip and Jordan had his arm around my shoulder giving me a squeeze from time to time. I had exhausted them with all my shopping. I had always been close with Sidney, but us being inseparable over the last year meant hanging out with the team. I found 3 other really good friends in Max, Kris and Jordan. They had insisted on going shopping with me to make sure my clothing wasn't too conservative. Sidney came to balance them out.

We hopped into Sid's Range Rover after throwing everything in the back. "Thank you so much for coming with me. Now I'm treating all of you to lunch." There were cheers, and we headed toward the diner.

"Ok you tell her," Jordan said looking at Sidney.

"It wasn't my idea." Sid replied.

"What?" I asked.

"You tell her Max. It was your idea," Sid insisted.

"Fine. Well Phoebe, the boys and I got to talking, and we decided one of us should go with you to Minnesota. You know, be your date for the wedding."

I looked at them in disbelief, a little offended that they had this conversation without me and a little flattered that they cared so much. "Why do I need a date?" I asked sternly.

"Isn't it obvious?" Jordan asked.

"Ah No!" I really didn't get it.

Max took my hand and kissed it softly. "Phoebe, this is going to be hard for you. He's going to be there." These boys knew first hand how hard it was going to be. They each had their moments with me sobbing into their chest over Zach.

"Come on, you don't think I've thought about that? You guys give me no credit. I'm good. I'm over him. Seriously. Help me here Sid."

Now it was Sidney's turn, my voice of reason. He would set them straight, I thought, but instead he turned toward me with a serious look. "Phoebe. I think one of us should go. You're right, you're doing great, but what happens when you see him?" A lump went to my throat as Sidney continued. "What if you're not as strong as you think you are? What if he has a date?"

What if he has a date? I never thought about that, maybe he'd met someone over the last year. What if he finally got over me and really moved on. Tears were poking the back of my eyes, as I agreed, I'd let one of them come with me.

"I should go. I'm her best friend." Sid said.

"He'll never buy that the two of you are dating. You've been best friends for too long. I'll go." Max offered.

"Woah. I'm Ok with one of you coming, I actually think it's a good idea, but I'm not going to pretend any of you are my boyfriend."

"You sure? There's nothing like a little jealousy to spark his interest again." Max offered.

They didn't understand the way Zach and I worked. Zach would always love me. The problem was whether he thought that was enough. Could he ever trust me again? If I lied to him even about something like this, and he found out, what would that do to "us"?

"I'm not going there to get Zach back. I'm going for my sisters wedding."

That's when Kris spoke up. "Why don't you pick one of us to go with you, and we'll play it by ear. Whatever you tell your family and Zach, we'll go along with."

"Kristopher, since when did you become the voice of reason?" I asked, and the boys went back to arguing about which one of them should go with me. "I can't believe you are all willing to go. You are so sweet. Do I have to buy dessert now?" I pulled a piece of paper and pen out of my purse. I ripped four pieces and wrote one of their names on each one. Much to his dismay, I pulled Jordan's hat off his head making him run his hands through his blond hair. I put the names in the hat and held it high. "You pick Sid." He reached in and pulled one piece out and read it. "Max."

Max pumped his arm like he'd just won something special, and I just rolled my eyes. Max Talbot was going to be my date to my sisters wedding.

----------

Two days later I was being picked up at the airport by my sister. I walked to baggage claim dreading the reunion and wishing I had made Max come with me now instead of two days from now. When she ran up to me and wrapped me into a hug, I wasn't sure how to react. The last time my sister hugged me was...well I can't remember her ever hugging me. "Phoebe, I'm so glad you're here." She seemed genuinely happy to see me, and I guess I was feeling cautiously optimistic that there was a chance we could have a relationship. On the way home she told me all about Jordan and how they fell in love. I was still waiting for someone to pop out and tell me I'd been punked. I guess if Jordan is the reason for her shift in attitude, it must be love.

As we settled into the couch in her apartment, where I'd be spending tonight only, she told me all about the wedding. It was going to be a small service with about 50 people. That's the way Jordan wanted it. After the wedding, they were leaving for Europe, and would eventually settle in for Jordan's season in Austria. After she went on and on, and I tried my best to accept that she was marrying Zach's brother, I remembered to tell her about Max.

"Chelsea, I know it's short notice, but I invited someone to the wedding. I hope that's Ok."

Her reaction shocked me. Her face almost looked relieved. "Oh Phoebe, that's great news! I was so worried about telling you."

"Telling me what Chelsea?"

"I'm just glad you're bringing someone. That's all."

"That's not all; now tell me." My heart already knew what she was going to say, and I needed her to say it.

"Well Jordan told me that Zach is bringing someone too, so It will be much easier for you if you have someone there."

She was trying to be kind, but she had no idea what a big deal this was to me. I didn't come here to get back together with Zach, but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't hoping at least a little. I mean this may be the very last time Zach and I are ever together. If not now then never might actually be my fate.

I smiled at her for her concern. "I'm going to be fine. My friend Max should be here on Friday morning. I'm going to be just fine." I was saying this out loud to convince her, but it was more of a pep talk for myself.

Soon I found myself lying in bed unable to sleep with visions of Zach and his date walking into the wedding breaking my heart. I did what I always do, I dressed quickly, slipped on my sneakers and went for a run. It was a warm night and really humid. I ran down the now vaguely familiar streets of Bloomington almost robotically shutting out all the thoughts of what was and what I wish still could be. Before I knew it I ended up in my old neighborhood standing between my mom's house and the one that belonged to Zach's parents. I just stood and looked up at the window I knew belonged to Zach. Had he arrived yet? Was she already with him? ENOUGH, I told myself. It's over and I need to accept it. I ran back to Chelsea's, showered and crawled into bed.

****

We were 16.

"Can I take this blindfold off now? I know we're in my parents garage." I couldn't see it, but I knew that's the direction we came in. It just didn't smell as bad as I remembered.

"Be patient Pheebs," Zach said. "Just sit down right here." He placed me down on what felt like a sofa.

I sat patiently for a minute until I couldn't take it and started whining again then Zach gave in. "OK, open your eyes."

I removed the bandanna from my eyes, and my jaw hit the floor. "Oh my God Zach, how in the world?" I asked jumping up and taking in everything around me. The room over my parents garage had been transformed into what was nothing short of an art studio. Everything had been cleared out, all the junk we had collected over the years and had been replaced with paints and canvases. There was a huge easel in the middle of the room and as I examined it, I could tell Zach must have made it. There was a big piece of poster board on the easel. It read, Happy Birthday Pheebs! I love you!

"Happy Birthday Baby," he said as I wrapped my arms around him. "You've always said you wish you had someplace to paint other than the art studio at school, someplace that was all yours."

"I just can't believe you did all this," I said pulling away and looking around again.

"Well Jordan helped, and your parents They told me where to put all the stuff you guys had up here. My parents gave me that couch when they got new furniture last year, I'd been storing it in our basement."

"You've been planning this since last year?"

"Yep, I hope you like it."

"Like it, oh my God Zach, I love it. This is the most amazing thing anyone has ever done for me."

Zach's face lit up. "That's what I was going for."

I loved him so much, I'd known Zach my whole life and still he knew just how to surprise me. At that moment I just felt too far away from him, and I ran to him and lept into his arm kissing him. We fell back onto the sofa, giggling and kissing. "God I love you Zach Parise."

****

The next morning I called Sid. I knew he'd be up, getting ready to work out. "He's bringing a date Sid," was the first thing I said to him.

"Well good morning to you too Pheebs."

"I'm sorry. I didn't sleep at all last night. I couldn't help imagining this chick he's going to show up with. I bet she's gorgeous. I'm going to hate her, I know it. Oh God Sid what if I like her. I think that would be worse."

"Phoebe you're gorgeous too. He's always only had eyes for you."

"Sid, I can't believe he found someone else."

"Now don't get ahead of yourself. You've got a date to the wedding. He might be thinking the same thing. Maybe this was just his back up plan like it was yours."

"I wish that were true, but that's not how Zach thinks. He'd never think to bring a date just incase I had one."

"Just relax baby. Max will be there in the morning. You know he's great at reading these situations. He'll help you out. Besides, you're over Zach remember?"

I took a deep breath. "I'm over Zach I repeated," and after I got off the phone I said it again and again and again.

****

Chelsea dropped me off at mom's and I stood with my suitcase and garment bag looking at the house and over at Zach's before I actually walked in. When I did I was engulfed by hugs. First it was my mom. I hadn't seen her in over two years. Then my grandma followed by various aunts and uncles.

When I finally got a moment I carried my bags to my room and flopped down on the bed. I had done so well up to now but looking at the window that Zach used to climb in was more than I could take. I turned over face down into my pillows and cried for the first time in months over Zach Parise. I somehow gained my composure. I walked to the window locked it and closed the curtain. At least now I could feel like it was somewhat my decision that he wasn't coming through that window. I showered and changed and went back to face my family.

I was given a glass of wine and went from Aunt to Uncle to cousin to talk, just like I knew my mother would want. Aunt Bea, who was actually my great Aunt said it first. "Well Phoebe, I think we all thought it would be you marrying into the Parise family." My jaw dropped and my mother lead her off into the kitchen quietly scolding her. That didn't stop the others though, everyone had some story or remembrance of Zach and I running around naked as toddlers or ice skating together. Some where so bold as to ask how I ever could have let that boy go. I was on my 5th glass of wine before I'd had all I could take and announced that my new boyfriend would be arriving tomorrow. I had hoped to move the attention away from me with the announcement, but instead there was a new topic of discussion. They wanted to know all about this new man. My mother gave me a sympathetic look as she saw me slip out of the house.

I knew I'd made a mistake saying Max was my boyfriend, but I was buzzed from the wine, and I just couldn't take all the Zach talk. I sighed as I made the trek to the garage and up the steps to the studio.

I turned on the lights and my breath hitched as I felt like I had gone back in time. Everything was the same, down to the painting that sat on the easel. I had been working on it the night before Zach and I left for New Jersey. I stopped those memories right there and just wandered around the studio for a moment until I found my smock, an old button down shirt that used to belong to Zach. I put it on grabbed my brushes and all the paint I could salvage and started back to work on the painting.

I hadn't painted in years, but being here in this studio gave me all the motivation I needed. I thought of nothing else but the way the brush felt on the canvas. I looked the painting as a story; a story of which I could control the outcome, unlike my own story. I don't know how long I'd been working; it must have been hours and hours because it was now dark outside when I heard someone walking up the steps.

"Sorry mom, I'll be down soon." I announced trying to keep my focus on the painting. She didn't say anything, but took a seat on the couch. I turned to see what she was waiting for, but it wasn't my mom. I dropped my paint brush and paint splattered all over my legs and the canvas tarp. I let it sit there as I couldn't tear my eyes from the boy sitting across from me.

"It still looks exactly the same," Zach said with a big smile on his face.