Remember the Time

TWELVE
Things fall apart.
I’ve never had a problem with alcohol, I would get drunk every once in a while but it wasn’t every week. I’m saying this because I became an alcoholic the day Michael told me he wanted a child I told him I was alright with adopting one but he said “I heard of this method like they plant my sperm and the baby grows with the mother we choose” I don’t know how it sounds but to me it sounded like “It’ll be my son and you can join me in bringing him up if you want” I felt excluded. All these years we’ve been together through everything and now he wanted to face fatherhood alone.
I felt lonely, because if I agreed I would somehow lose Michael and the last thing I wanted was to lose him, but I was going to lose him if I said no too, that day I just shrugged but I knew that he wouldn’t forget the subject.
So what I did was write in a sheet of paper the reasons of why to agree with him and why not. The way the “yes” side won made me go mad it also made me cry, I would die if I said yes because then I wouldn’t be the mother of that child, I would be just a friend that helps Michael to bring him or her up, and I couldn’t say no either because that would destroy him. All he ever wanted was a complete family and I was not going to be the one to keep him from that.
But the only way to give him a family was with me out of the way.
No one will ever know what I felt that night, when my whole world that was finally at peace for the first time in years, turned upside down again. And this time it would stay that way, it took all the strength I had just not to fall apart and even more to break the news to Michael, I would’ve done it the same night but he was busy so I decided to wait another day and enjoy his company.
But then he was busy and I couldn’t even enjoy his company, I was in a huge depression. And it got worse when John reappeared in my life; he sent the fourth and last letter I ever got from him.
Dear Abbey:
I would sacrifice my family, my god, and my own existence, and still you will not move. I have listened to the wind, I have seen the darkness, and even felt the earth beneath me but still all I hear is silence.
All I ever wanted was you and your love, but since you won’t give it to me I give up I just want to ask you for something much more easily. Listen to my song for you my Abbey. I really don’t need to tell you the name.
Love, John.
While reading this letter I felt like if a thousand of pounds were off my back I felt like if someone just released me from some chains. John was not a problem to me anymore, he had took the decision I was about to take, he decided to let me go. Even if this caused him pain.
It was then when I felt someone breathing behind me and my worst fear became true I met my husband’s angry eyes this time there was no excuse no explanations the proof of the existence of another man was right there in my hands, he just took a deep breath and said “I just wanted you to come with me for a walk but I see you’re busy” he said the last like if someone just made him eat a piece of meat, like if he was swearing. With hate, anger and pure disgust.
God knows how long we stayed like that without saying a word it was then when he made me choose.
“So are you coming with me or staying here” as always his questions held a different meaning this one was “Are you coming with me or go after him” he knew I would follow him to the end of the world and back but he needed to hear it from me.
“I’m going with you” I said and off we went, he didn’t hold my hand neither he spoke, and this made me fall to my knees while walking and to cry like I’ve never cried in my life, not even when I thought he was cheating I cried that much. This time I was feeling ripped apart because I didn’t feel the love radiating from him? I missed the way his eyes shouted “I love you” but most of all I missed the way his soft skin felt, the way his touch sent shivers down my spine and made me blush. The way he made me feel was something I didn’t want to lose and that’s why I cried, because things were falling apart and I couldn’t put them back together.

Even the love ends. That’s something I never believed but when Michael kept walking and ignored me crying I was sure that a part of that beautiful love he once felt for me was gone. Would it ever come back? No, because love is not something you can force, you make your own love and once you have made it you have to take care of it, like if it was a flower and I never took much care of my flower. Even the rosebush of the backyard was dying.
Everything was coming to an end, the final of a chapter in my life was coming to its end and I was not ready to face it. I was still too fragile to be broken hearted, I tried talking to Michael and being interested on the things he liked but he would only look at me with pained eyes and just shrug if I ever got an answer from him it was a miracle. I did what john said I listened to my song and it only made things worse because Michael heard it too and it was then when he decided to sleep in a different room. The bed was now too big for me and the nights were cold.
In a few words “Always” by Jon Bon Jovi was the end of my marriage.
I kept trying to convince my husband that I was not—and I really wasn’t. In love with John and kept trying over and over again until once day when he got things straight with me. “Abbey I really don’t care” he said with his soft musical voice. This time the stab didn’t hurt too much because I was already bleeding it just felt like another pinch, and this time I just walked away. When we were no longer in public in 1995 the press was writing about what everybody was suspecting, with pictures of us together and a big tabloid reading:
Is their fairytale over?

This made me feel humiliated yet embarrassed because if we got divorced I would be the evil witch and him the poor victim, when it was both’ fault. He would go to the dermatologist’s and come back with some sparkle in his eyes in the summer of 1995 he broke the news to me “Debbie had agreed to be the mother and we can have the baby with my sperm” he said a bit too cheerful while I was having a drink. Ever since our fights I started to drink and I would pass out in my room to eventually wake up with a massive hangover.
Debbie Rowe was the assistant of the dermatologist Michael was seeing I had met her once or twice when I was younger, but then to hear she was having a baby and not just a baby Michael’s baby made me upset I started to cry and yell at him for doing that without me agreeing, he said that I was always drunk and couldn’t say a work straight.
It was true I was an alcoholic and he was going to be a father. So in a bag I got some clothes and money and he followed me to the door without saying a word I just told him “Send the papers” like the last time I left him he didn’t follow and I was free to cry the entire time to New York with daddy. He said it was not my fault but we both knew it was.
My fault for being immature, selfish and not good enough for him.