Swim or Drown?

I left Tropical smoothies in tears. I really could use some advice, and I wanted that advice from my grandmother. I haven’t heard from her in like a week! I finished the drive in sobs and entered the house. I ran upstairs and stripped down to my tank top, underwear and boots. I flopped down on my bed and pulled out my cell phone. I forwarded a message

^Me^ Zack just broke up with me.../: Send:Alex, Carly, Jack.

I scrolled through my contacts and pushed call on my grandmas name.

Ring...”Hello you have reached grandma’s voicemail leave a message saying how much you love this women!!!” I had made that voicemail a couple years ago because she never knew how to work this kinda stuff. It went straight to voicemail, maybe she had her phone turned off. I guess I would try later. Or maybe....No, I did no way in hell want to talk to my mother. I had 3 unread texts.

^Jackypoo^ aww :( hes a meanie! Why?

^Me^ Because he knows I still love Alex, he caught us at the pool just fooling around and stuff, I do still like Alex, ugh Jack what is wrong with me!?

^Car-Car^ Omg!! WHY!!!?? I’m so sorry girlliiee! /:

^ME^ He caught me and Alex fooling around at the pool and knows I still love Alex , which i do.

^Alex <3^ Shit. I’m sorry. Do you wanna cancel tonight?

^Me^ honestly, no, will you come over later?

^JackyPoo^ Nothing is wrong with you ! Your just confused, well i have a date with carly Do you know her favorite flowers? and favorite color?

^Me^ mhm! Roses, and Pink! Your so sweet. I love you bye have fun!

^Car-Car^ Aw well maybe you and Alex will have a chance, I would talk but Jack is picking me up in and our i have to get ready ily!

I set my phone down and sighed. What the hell was I thinking! I changed into a black tank top and a pink cardigan. I put on my black and pink heart boy shorts and slipped on some black Uggs. I brushed my teeth and let my hair hang down. I walked into the kitchen and made some popcorn. The doorbell rang. I opened it to reveal Alex. He wrapped me in a hug and a tear secretly slipped. For a reason I was still unsure of. I guess i didn’t have to have a guilt pang whenever I was with Alex. I am not sure why i’m even that upset about Zack and I’s break up. I mean I wanted to be with Alex not Zack.

“Thank you for coming over”. I looked up at Alex’s gorgeous face and smiled.

“I would do anything for you Lily”. He placed a kiss on my forehead and pulled me over to couch. He plopped down onto the couch and pulled me with him. I placed both legs on either side of him and rested my head on his shoulder. His hands ran up and down my sides. I sighed. I guess i was content. I needed Alex part of my life but I wanted Zack too. Selfishness. Seems like I have been drowning in it more then swimming.

“Can you tell me what happened?” Alex said after the long comfortable silence.

“Well, you know how Zack saw us you know fooling around at the pool and said he wanted to talk about something so we went to tropical smoothie, and he broke up with me.”

“He, said we were fooling around?” He said wiggling his eyebrows.

“Alex!” I hit his chest and a slight blush i could tell was warming my cheeks.

“We could you know ‘fool around’ so he would actually know what fooling around is.” The color drained from my face and i started to get off of Alex as he grabbed me and threw me onto the couch and winked at me.

“Alex!” I yelled again and started to laugh. Alex began to laugh to and started to unbutton my cardigan. By now I was laughing so hard my face was red and so was Alex’s. He was having the hardest time undoing each button. Both of our bodies rocked together in unison and he had given up on my buttons. His arms weakened and he fell on top of me. Knocking the air out of me. I gasped in and wrapped my legs around Alex’s torso in hopes of moving him. I looked into his eyes and my breathing slowed as he looked into mine. You know the cliche moment in all movies were its like they put it on pause and the love birds look into each other’s eyes and then kiss. My heart pounded against my chest and I closed my eyes. In truth I was waiting for Alex’s soft lips touch mine.

Alex’s arms wrapped around me and my hands wrapped around his neck. I didn’t want to be kissing Alex hours after Zack and I’s breakup. But i wanted more then anything to kiss him. Senseless. Alex shifted and I felt his hot breath on my neck. I took a sharp intake of breath and pursed my lips. But his lips never touched mine. I opened my eyes to see Alex’s head lingering by my neck. Staring. His head was turned down so I could no longer see his eyes. His hair was tickling my exposed chest. 3 of the buttons on my cardigan were open. My tank top was exposed along with my cleavage. As i viewed Alex’s body language I felt his lips press on my neck. I leaned my head back and left the feelings soak into my skin. And bask in the feeling of his lips on my skin. They lingered their for what seemed for ever yet not long often. His lips touched my neck again but higher, then again, and again. He kissed from the crook of my neck all the way up to my lips. My hands were in his tangled hair. The feeling was amazing. Better then anything. He stopped at my lips and pulled away. Looking into my eyes. Lust lingered in his eyes. And lust lingered in my body. My legs were wrapped around his waist and my hands were on the back of his neck. His hands were on both sides of me, his fingers were placed right below my collar bone gripping and spreading my tank top. I tightened my legs around him and tried to move him closer. The grip on my tank top tightened and his breath hitched in his throat. I liked this. No denying this. I wanted this. Can’t deny that either. I stroked his hair and pulled it lightly. He gasped and bit his lip. His eyes were still locked on mine. I decided to be bold.

“Why don’t you just kiss me?” I said. I waited. Nothing. Alex’s hands took my legs and unwrapped them from his waist. My arms dropped lifelessly. 

“Because, I can’t”. He hung his head and glanced over. Tears were brimming my eyes.

“Then leave.”

“I don’t want to leave Lily, I already did that.” He said pulling me into a hug. I tried to push him away but the tears spilled. I cried and cried and continued to cry while Alex held me. He kissed my jaw,my cheek, my forehead, my shoulder, my nose anything but my lips. I cried until I was numb. It was black and I was numb.