Swim or Drown?

I continued to cry. The tears continued to pour as the memories continued to replay. I tried to think of something else, but I couldn’t. It didn’t help that Alex was holding me in his arms either. I swallowed and looked up at Alex. He had finished crying and he was just staring at me.

“I can’t do this.” I stood up and his arms fell from my waist. I looked at Alex and he wasn’t showing any emotion. His mouth was in a straight line and his eyes were glazing over.

“Bye, Alex”. I picked up my shoes and ran. I ran to my office space and grabbed everything. I grabbed my paychecks, my phone, my shirt, my pants and stuffed them roughly into my bag and ran. I ran to the car and jumped in. I stepped on the gas peddle and drove well over 15 miles over the speed limit to my house. I was crying as I drove but I didn’t feel the tears spill over the brim of my eyes. I reached my house and my grandma’s car wasn’t there. I ran into the kitchen and a bright yellow note was placed on the fridge.

-Darling, I know you don’t want to see your mother so I am going for you I am probably in the plane to god knows were to keep an eye on your mother and keep her away from you as long possible, I’m not sure if she is going to come back with me but you have some time alone. Maybe a couple weeks. I made you some dinner, your favorite and a peach pie, You know i Love you, Please be safe and have fun
Love always G-ma-

I set the note down and walked into my room. My grandma was always so thoughtful, she knew I never like to have visits from my mom so she would alway protect me. That is why i am patient with my grandmother although her patience runs out she is always looking out for me.

I walked into my room still crying and I plugged my Ipod in my Ihome and shut off my phone encase anyone tries to call me. I really wasn’t in the mood for conversation. I turned on My Ipod and settled for one of my favorite bands Flyleaf. I put on Cassie acoustic and let her voice drown me. I opened my drawer and picked up a lace napkin. Wrapped inside the lace napkin was my brothers murder weapon.

I pulled out the knife and set it on the floor in front of me and just stared at it. I lay on my back on my room’s carpet. I sat the knife on my bare stomach and I slowly fell into unconsciousness.

ALEX POV

I sat still, were Lily had left me. So many things were running threw my mind. The most important one was what Lily had said to me. It kept replaying over and over in my head. BECAUSE MY DAD CHEATED ON MY MOM, MY MOM IS A DRUG ADDICT AND MY LITTLE BROTHER COMMITTED SUICIDE, AND I CAUSED HIM TO DO IT ALEX!!!!
I can’t beilieve what i have done. What I did to Lily. She was always there for me. And when she needed me most i left. A silent tear fell and and i kept thinking. Why had no one told me this vital information, even Jack. Maybe no one knew. I stood up and ran into Zack.

“Hey man, were did Lily go?”

“I don’t know, but Zack i need to ask you something.” I paused and looked around.

“Yes?” He asked impatiently.

“Did you know about, Lily brother, and family..?”

“Ya man, how did you find out.”

“How could you of never told me! What the hell you know how much Lily mens to me! Does anyone else know!?” At this point i was pulling OUT my hair.

“Ya. Carly, Jack and myself.” He backed up and frowned slightly

“I’m sorry bro, but you just left Lily right when she started acting differently and we didn’t think you cared.”

“OF COURSE I FUCKING CARED ZACK! UGH!” I ran my hands threw my hair over and over.

“I feel like such a Jackass!”

“Not to you know rub it in your face but, you are, You should of asked Lily whats wrong, she would of told you Alex, You, You mean Alot to her, you don’t even understand how much she needed you, and you weren’t there for her.”

“I FUCKING UNDERSTAND ZACK, I JUST NEED TO BE ALONE!” I walked away as Zack watched me. I didn’t understand what Zack was talking about, I hate when people say ‘more then you know’ I mean i know i say it but it just confuses me.

I just continued walking, I need to make it up to Lily. She needs a surprise of some sort. Millions of ideas proceeded threw my mind. And finally I stopped at one. I started on a fast jog and when I reached home I ran upstairs eager to start.

LILY POV

The sun shown through my window and my eyes reacted. I opened my eyes and pain rushed through neck and spine. What the hell. I realized I was sleeping on the floor with my brother knife pointed up towards my face. I set the knife on my desk and got up and stretched. I heard my back and neck crack and i walked over to my night table. 5:55 AM . Holy shit i slept 13 hours! I was still dressed in my bathing suit and my hair was beginning to crust. I walked to the shower and I tried to remember what happened yesterday.

I turned on the water and stripped out my of bathing suit. I stepped in the shower and the cold water woke me up completely. Right I told Alex my secrete. Good job Lily! And he never even said anything, I just walked away. Hm maybe it was a bad idea to tell Alex something like that. What if he told the whole school, what if he spread rumors, what if he heard me wrong and thought i was the drug addict.. Stop! I stepped out of the shower and dried off. I walked into my room with a towel wrapped around me. I dug threw my closet and pulled out [THIS]]

I put on my pale foundation and some simple navy blue sparkle eyeliner and looked at my self in the mirror. My hair was straight and laid perfectly on my shoulders. My eyes were lined slightly with navy sparkle eyeliner and my face was covered in an even coat of pale foundation. I slipped on my cashmere navy blue sweater and my jade couture flats.

I have today off so I was planning on going to the children’s center or the library. Thats basically my second home, If I’m not with friends I’m there. I love kids and I love to read, and write. I grabbed my key to the front door, my [Ipod] my and shoved them into my brothers messenger bag.

When my dad left he left ALOT of money for me, I used that to get my grandma to buy a house and my ipod,cell phone,and laptop. We still alot left and I use it to buy clothes and food. I basically help my grandma live. The clothes I wear aren’t just simple band t-shirts and jeans, I buy alot of different clothes I wear dressed and sweaters alot. I like being different and more mature with what I wear. I also don’t put pink highlights in my hair and have raccoon eyes. I’m more natural and I like it that way.

I set the messengers bag down and walked cautiously over to my phone. I remembered turning it off, and I was wondering how many texts and or phones calls i would have. I turned on my phone and waited as the apple appeared. My phone vibrated and the screen turned to my wallpaper. 3 texts from Carly 2 from jack and 1 from Zack 2 calls from grandma and 1 call from Zack. NO ALEX. He probably just walked away after I left and had sex with his x-girlfriend or something.

I looked through all their texts.
^Mr. Jackypoo^ Were did you and Alex go too??
^Mr. Jackypoo^ Guess what I asked Carly out :O

^Car-Car^Were the hell did you and Alex go Lily?
^Car-Car^Memeber i said i have some good news, well i had the feeling Jack was going to ask my out because we spent the night together and it was so fun, I will tell you in greater detail whenever I find you, but today...
^Car-Car^Jack asked me out!! :D I’m soo happy, we need to have a girls night out for sure!!
Voicemail from Zack AKA Muscle man “Lily I, I am so sorry, I shouldn’t have left you and Alex alone, I’m sorry you had to tell him that, I havn’t told anyone Alex knows yet, I ran into him, after im guessing you left and he was acting so weird. I need to talk to you, Love you.”

^Zacky AKA Muscle man^ I’m so sorry Lily. Were did you go??

2 missed calls from grandma :) 1 voicemail from grandma :)
“Hey Honey, I’m with your mother ugh anyways just wanted to let you know I’m safe, Love you!”

Damn I love my friends. They care so much about me, that was the only reason i stopped thinking of suicide, and its all credit to them.

I replied to all of them.

^Mr. Jackypoo^ Were did you and Alex go too??
*^Me^ I left Alex, I don’t know were he went, but it wasn’t with me...
^Mr. Jackypoo^ Guess what I asked Carly out :O
^Me^ Congrats baby Jack!! We should celebrate later!!

^Car-Car^Were the hell did you and Alex go Lily?
^Me^Don’t know were stupid Alex went, but it sure as hell wasn’t with me.
^Car-Car^Memeber i said i have some good news, well i had the feeling Jack was going to ask my out because we spent the night together and it was so fun, I will tell you in greater detail whenever I find you, but today...
^Car-Car^Jack asked me out!! :D I’m soo happy, we need to have a girls night out for sure!!
^Me^ Oh carly, i am sooo happy for you I know all aong you guys would soon be together :D. This calls for celebration!!

^Zacky AKA Muscle man^ I’m so sorry Lily. Were did you go??
^Me^ I left alex, you know, don’t tell anyone Zack, but im going to the library if you wanna meet me there, just don’t tell anyone.

I told Zack because he was always the person i felt was with me 100% and i truly did love him. Never as a romantic but i could tell him anything. I knew i could with Carly and Jack, but It wasn’t the same as was with Zack.

I got a reply very quickly from Zack of course.

^Zacky AKA Muscle man^ Okay babe, i will be there soon, maybe and hour, i have to finish working out :) hehe
^Me^ You do that-love you
^Zacky AKA Muscle man^Love you more Lily

I then called my grandma, she must be worried. Ringg.......Ring......”Hello??”
“Hey G ma”

“Oh hello baby” She spoke softly, I still forgot it was only 6:45.

“Sorry I missed you call yesterday, I just wanted to tell you im going to the library and I love you, i was real busy yesterday”.

“Oh its fine honey, but i have to go, your mother should be getting up soon, and I need to have a talk with her, I found some drugs...” I was silent.

“I’m so sorry honey..”

“I don’t care, okay I love you ma. Don’t tell her we were talking, byee” And with that I hung up. I am so sick and tired of my mothers bullshit, I have gotten over the fact that the whore fucker did what he did. Why can’t she! And drugs IS NOT the way to solve anything.

I put my phone away and walked down stairs. I set down my messenger bag and looked in the fridge. I had forgotten to eat the dinner and I was super hungry now. I know it was dinner but I didn’t wanna make breakfast. I put the meal in the microwave for 5 minutes and pulled out a Vitamin water Focus.

I ate in silence, just the way i liked it. I finished the delcious meal and set the dishes in the sink. I grabbed my car keys and messenger bag. I walked out the back door and jumped in the car. Today it was really sunny and warm, but i usually always wear a jacket, i guess it is just my nature. I put my sunglasses on and started towards the library.

I reached it and walked inside. No one was there of course it was only 7:45. I sat down at the table in the back and took at my Ipod and my laptop. I inserted the earbuds into my ears and selected I’m so sick, by Flyleaf. I think it was perfect for how I was feeling. I turned on my laptop and opened my documentary is started yesterday morning.

I hope to have kids one day.
I sighed and continued the paragraph.

Today is June 30th 2009

I sit at the library on my day off.

Part of this assignment was to put all your feelings, settings and people around you in it. This assignment was going to be private so you could put anything you wanted to entrust with a teacher. I of course completely trusted my english teacher she was so helpful and she made me recognize my love and talent for reading and writing. This isn’t exactly what i dream of doing over the summer, but anything that will help me be better in academics i would try to achieve. So i continued.

Yesterday, i feel unconscious for 13 hours of sleep. Crying takes everything from me. I cried my eyes out yesterday. And it was because of Alex Gaskarth. My long time love, i have been in love with him since i was 15 years old. I seem to not be able to let go of him. He always has a way to come back into my life and i seem to always let him. But this time I refuse, i can’t let him hurt me again, he already has. I left him yesterday alone at the pool, I basically ran. I got no calls or texts from him. I guess he wasn’t going to worry about poor ol’ Lily. I spilled my secrete to him and he said nothing. Nothing at all. My emotions were torn,I still love him, but I want to get over him. He is just so hard to let go of, because of all the history i have had with him. He even invited me to go the marine place with him, because he knows how much I love it their. He makes me think he cares, he also invited me over for a sleepover like old times he said. I said for him to call me sometime because i was NOT going to say yes, to him so easily. He needs to prove himself to me, and obviously he proved me that, he didn’t care not that he did.

I stopped and looked up at Zack. I love that boy he is always their for me. No matter where or when i need him. He sat down next to me on the couch and put his arm around me. I snuggled into his chest and sighed contently.

“Hey babe..”

“Hey baby boy”. I smiled and looked up at him. His face was so close near mine and i, i loved it?

“Tell me whats wrong Lil Lily.”

“You know whats wrong”. tears threatened to surface.

“Okay, baby I understand, do you want me to go?” He removed his arm and started to get up.

“No!” I shouted the librarian shhed me and i blushed. Zack sat back down and i took of my sweater.

“What are you..doing?” Zack asked confused as to why I was removing my sweater.

“This”. I took his arm and placed it around my stomach and snuggled as close to him as possible. He took his other hand and combed threw my hair.

“Thank you Zack.” I whispered in his ear and looked up to him are noses were touching. I giggled and he smiled. Only a second later his smile was erased and a unhappy look reappeared.

“Babe, whats wrong?” I questioned.

“You would you be mad if if i did this? He hesitated for a minute and my stomach did a million flips. He leaned in and kissed me?