Confusion Girl

I twisted my dyed blond hair in one finger and wondered how I’d ever gotten myself into such a state? The woman looking back in the mirror held the same grimace of disgust but she had to be different. Her skin was so tan, hair so light, cheeks so gaunt, makeup so dark. She was such a stranger, and I’d inflicted this onto myself.

Feeling ashamed, I backed away from the mirror. It was still hard for me to acknowledge the only reason I’d become this was to somehow spite Alec; distance myself from the person I’d used to be. How foolish I was. Just adding an extra layer of eyeliner could never stop the old feelings from being there.

And now I missed feeling like his Lizz.

And how I hated myself for this.

And how those thoughts kept me from kicking this strange new side of me.

“Knock knock,” Tom stood in the doorway, watching me study myself incredulously. I smiled at him in the reflection, applying the last coat of mascara even though deep down it almost made me flinch away. “You almost ready to go princess?”

I rolled my now heavy eyes at him. “Of course, I’m the one that’s been ready for hours. It’s you boys who take years to put your slap on.”

“Correction, it’s Alec who takes years to pull his skinny ass into those even skinnier jeans of his.” We both tittered even though my heart wasn’t in it. The image of Alec in the archway to my bedroom had stolen that particular organ. He raised an eyebrow at the two of us before disappearing back into the hallway. I didn’t notice the jealousy radiating off of him until we were all buckled up in Jo’s car.

“Remind me again why I wasn’t allowed to go in my car?” Alec sulked loudly.

“Because we want to make a big entrance all together,” Jo quipped.

“My car would have that effect.”

“Shut up Alec,” John growled. I couldn’t help but snigger which grabbed everyone’s attention as it was the first sound I’d uttered for quite a while. I’d always been happy watching the boys like this, just feeling completed in being with them. There’d never been anything to say, that was until 2 years ago.

“Where are we going again?” I rested my head on Tom’s shoulder, his wavy dark hair tickling my neck.

“A small low-key gig just for some old friends and such,” Jo smiled at me briefly in the rearview mirror as we stopped at a red light.

“Any booze?” It was like I’d just sworn death upon all of their mothers – the way they all looked so utterly taken aback by what I’d said.

“You don’t drink Eliza.”

“Psht,” I snorted “like hell I don’t.”

“You don’t swear either,” Tom smirked.

“Hell is barely swearing,” I waved a dismissive hand around.

“You don’t show your legs off either,” John ignored my previous comment. “And since when did you have a cleavage?” he was peering back at me from where he sat shotgun.

“Hey!” Jo and Alec’s voices merged together to protest.

“That’s my cousin dude!” Jo shook his head, causing the car to move dangerously with the movement so we almost left our lane.

“And that’s my ex-girlfriend,” Alec said, his voice soft. I swallowed the unease. How awkward did he want to make this journey? “And she always had perfect cleavage.”

Jo let out a loud groan while I did the same in my head. Yeah, now he wants to compliment me. He’s only 2 years late. Seems like he really did want to make this even more awkward.

I elbowed Tom lightly and he took the hint, “I think we’re almost here!”

He would never earn the tact of being able to change the subject subtly.

We all filed out when we were parked, John having to hit the car door harshly to make it open properly, ignoring Jo’s loud protests. The club was one we all used to hang at. It wasn’t particularly glamorous or big but that just made it more exciting, fake people were hard to find around these parts. In fact, I was probably the only one for miles.

The crowd inside was much too big for the designated area yet nobody seemed to mind rubbing elbows with strangers. They were going to see homegrown talent pretty much for free. The only groupies here were in cowboy boots with long brunette hair and shiny eyes.

The boys left to go back stage but I stayed in the jostling crows.

I was so out of place. My short sparkly dress drawing too many looks from men and women alike. I’d forgotten how backward this place seemed sometimes. I’d also forgotten how much I loved cowboy boots and auburn hair.

When the performance was over, the applause was deafening. The boys looked so alive up there. Their faces were lit up brighter than any spotlight with just the pureness of retreating back to their roots.

Alec caught my eye then, and belted his heart out one last time for an encore. Of course it would be our song; he always did love to be cliché. Tears welled up and slowly descended down onto my dress. I let them for once because nobody could see me properly in this dim light; Alec would never be able to tell.

“Elizabeth-Brooke?”

I started and looked up at Carlos as he pushed his way through the crowd. “What are you doing here?” was the first thing that came out of my mouth. How very gracious.

Carlos, though, seemed unfazed. In fact his broad mouth curled up into a smirk which stopped the tears dead in their tracks. “You like The Pretending? They’re no Taylor Swifts.”

“Well y’know...” I shifted my weight uncomfortably, not wanting to tell him about the connection there. “I thought I’d check them out.”

By this time the song was nearing its end but before the last lyrics could be whispered out the mike went dead. Curiously, we looked up at the stage to see Alec tearing off it. After a few seconds of blank faces the rest of the guys shrugged it off and laughed about him being a ‘diva’.

“You look really hot tonight,” Carlos smirked.

“I look ridiculously over-dressed,” I replied faintly.

“I wonder how you’d look undressed.” My cheeks clapped dark like thunder and suddenly I could smell the alcohol on his breath.

“You’ll never know buddy,” Alec wedged himself between us, seemingly appearing from nowhere. I gaped at him as did most of the crowd, surprised at suddenly being so close to a superstar. I was just surprised that he cared or rather that he cared enough to be angry.

“Aren’t you... the Alec from The Pretending?” Carlos was just as slack jawed as the rest of us.

Alec turned to me sharply “you really know how to pick them Lizz,” he remarked sarcastically. But I saw his reassured smirk – sure that he was no competition. A sudden urge to prove him wrong surged within me and I slid past him into Carlos’ sloppy embrace.

“I’ve learnt from my mistakes,” I shot back.

“Wait...” Carlos wobbled slightly “you two know each other?”

“Unfortunately so Carlos,” I supported his unstable stature. That was when the boy thought it would be a good idea to wrap his arms around my waist. That was also when Alec’s eyes glazed over and he moved threateningly forward. I knew that look. I’d seen it many times but never to such an extent where his dirty blonde hair and high cheekbones looked menacing.

“Stop now,” I hissed. I placed a hand on his hard chest.

“Leave with me now.” It wasn’t a request. My knees went slightly weak with his dominance but the intelligent hormone-free part of my brain felt disgusted.

“What’s going on guys?” Tom finally made it through the slightly hysterical crowd to take in our current situation. I turned to him desperately for help.

“Isn’t that music shop guy?” John questioned from over Tom’s shoulder.

Alec growled “Lizz.”

“Come on guys, let’s go home,” I caved. They exchanged disappointed glances but charged outside anyway. I had a sneaking suspicion they’d purchased enough alcohol over the weeks to be able to get completely hammered at home so they weren’t too put out.

“See you round Carlos,” I turned to him but found myself being dragged through the exit. “Hey!” I protested weakly. Alec’s hands were on me and it felt like such an intense relief. It barely mattered that he was towing me along by my arm because those handprints were burning into my skin.

“Don’t do shit like that Lizz.”

He crushed my brief fantasy with his words. “Fuck you. I can do what I like.”

“Do you have any idea what would have happened if I left you there with that drunk hooligan? He could have raped you or killed you and stashed your body away in some back alley.”

“Way to be a drama queen Alec.”

“Just don’t do that to me.” His tone was no longer hostile but soft and broken. I turned to look at him under the harsh glow of a street lamp.

“You never finished our song,” I spoke quietly, not knowing why I’d even said it.

Alec looked at me for a long moment. His eyes were so intense and brooding that I just couldn’t look away. Sometimes in life it doesn’t matter what you feel or think because you just get caught up in the moment. That’s what happened to me then. But when Alec’s lips crashed against mine the spell was quite literally shattered.