Confusion Girl

It’s strange to realize things about yourself after 20 years of life. I‘d never noticed before that I had a real knack for baseball, or that the taste of ‘Ben & Jerry’s’ chocolate brownie ice creams pretty much brought me to my knees, or that I could keep a grudge so vehemently and determinedly.

After our ‘lasagna incident’ I succeeded in avoiding Alec completely, due heavily to the fact that I became a prisoner in my own room. A self inflicted prisoner.

At one point or another I would have to be the mature adult in all this and come to terms with Alec but I was tired of being a grown up. When I was young and innocent, things had been so much easier. Alec would listen to me, he would love me. Maybe he didn’t like the fact that I had become older... maybe 20 year olds just didn’t do it for him.

Or maybe I was being completely and utterly ridiculous.

My self esteem had officially hit rock bottom and I chose my daily jail uniform of a gigantic gray tee-shirt and a pair of Jo’s old jeans which had fitted him in his ‘baby-fat’ years. In three days I got through eight books, six CDs, five magazines and hundreds of old photographs. The memories embedded on every shot brought out fresh emotions in me, as if I were laughing along with my 17 years old self and resenting her for being so stupid.

On the fourth day, I finally came to the realization that I was behaving like a lovesick lunatic. It was with a straight face that I walked almost shakily down the stairs. Still, no matter how much confidence I had managed to muster it was a huge relief to just see Tom downstairs in the lounge.

“Hello my little Eliza,” his smile melted any ice still lingering in my insides. Tom always knew what to say even if he didn’t what the word ‘subtlety’ meant. “God, you look like shit girl.”

I laughed at him before collapsing next to him on the sofa. “I know.”

“You sound like you’re proud.”

“Maybe I am.”

“Of looking like shit? Eliza my dear, I don’t know what you learnt over on that small island but here in the USA we prefer girls would actually look decent.”

“Shut up you! You’re just jealous that I have qualifications and you flunked high-school.”

“Flunked high-school and still got a one million dollar recording contract,” he brought his arm around my shoulders and pulled me closer. I rested my head on his shoulder almost out of instinct. Tom was like my brother in the band – the only one who wouldn’t try to tease me about Alec or squabble with him about who should really be my boyfriend.

“What’s this?” I turned to him to see Tom peering down at something sticking out of my pocket. I retrieved it just as curiously to see it was a kodak snapshot of John sneaking a kiss on my cheek under the mistletoe, Alec’s face thunder in the background. We laughed out loud together at the memory. Alec had chased John around the house all night, only stopping to kiss me forcefully and jealously claim me for ‘his’.

Those were the times and that was the boy.

But, shaking my head quickly, I scrunched up the picture and shoved it back into my pocket. That was the past and it was finally time to move on.

“You know he still loves you.”

Tom’s voice broke into my thoughts. His words broke into my defenses. His expression broke into my heart.

“No he doesn’t,” I half whispered.

“I’m not going to sit here and defend that mother fucker for breaking your poor heart Eliza but there’s no denying he still harbors some feelings for you. After you stormed off at dinner he left and drove for hours in his truck. Do you know he hasn’t done that since... since the time...”

“The past is the past and I don’t want to dwell,” I said crisply, not daring let myself think or hope. I hated him.

“No... I guess not. Well the other guys should be back from the grocery store in a minute with some B & J’s brownie ice cream since the house seems to have had a shortage. I grinned sheepishly before hugging the boy tightly. Trust Tom to lighten the mood so quickly I almost had whiplash.

The door noisily burst open and scuffling feet resounded round the empty house. Comfortably, I craned my neck up to meet Alec’s intense gaze. Straight away the air in my throat got stuck before I had to remind myself to use it. His expression was similar to that in the picture and it was then that I realized Tom’s arms were still enfolded around me.

Alec didn’t shift his stare from me even as Jo and John filed in around him. The tension was so thick. Awkwardly, I released myself from Tom to go directly over to Alec’s motionless body planted on the carpet.

“Ice cream?” I asked loudly.

He nodded stiffly, somewhat in awe... or possibly disgust, as I whipped the bag from him and sauntered into the kitchen. It suddenly didn’t matter that my appearance was shocking because the look on Alec’s face was reward enough. Well, fuck him if he thought I was just going to mourn him forever. This was just the beginning and I was going to prove that this boy meant nothing to me, nothing that ice cream couldn’t solve.