You Should've Come With A Warning

If I didn’t live at my apartment, I would swear it was a floral shop. It’d been three days and it was filled with vases of roses and huge teddy bears with hearts. Just as I suspected- Jordan wasn’t giving up so easily. A tiny piece of my heart would chip off every time the doorbell rang because my mind and my heart were completely conflicted. He was going to extremes to show me he loved me, and I never would have doubted him if he didn’t have drunken sex with that whore. Every time I would pick up the phone to call him my mind would give me images of what happened and I’d realize exactly why we weren’t together anymore. I shuddered at the thought and would quickly burst into tears. I didn’t think it was supposed to be this hard when you found the one person you wanted to spend the rest of your life with, but everything I thought I knew was thrown out the window at this point.

When my doorbell rang yet again I was expecting the florist, but instead I saw Jordan’s puppy-dog eyes staring back at me. I wasn’t expecting to see him and I was taken aback by him showing up, which was clear when I gasped and immediately froze when I looked up into his eyes.

“Place smells nice,” he said nonchalantly as he walked past me into my apartment. “Looks nice too”

“Yeah, well, a new surprise is delivered, like, every five minutes. I’m running out of room,” I was reserved and hesitant and he could sense it. I had my arms folded across my chest and my shoulders clenched.

He didn’t know what to do, he was nervous. He walked towards me and slowly lifted his hand to gently place it on my cheek. He ran it down softly and I could feel myself start to fall into him as I closed my eyes, “did you read all the cards,” he whispered.

I nodded into his hand. “I can’t do this anymore. I can’t stand not having you. I miss your smile when I surprise you or piss you off. I miss the way your face lights up when I kiss your forehead. I miss feeling you, breathing you in…I just miss you, and I know I messed up, but… I love you. You have to believe me,” his words were soft like his touch. I wanted to pull him into me and kiss him. I wanted to tell him how much I loved him, but I couldn’t say a word. I didn’t know if I could forgive him, no matter how much he told me he loved me, it didn’t change what happened.

“Jord…I don’t know,” I was so exhausted from fighting. Fighting him, being angry, fighting my feelings.

“What’s it gonna take?”

“Everything was perfect…it took you not sleeping with someone else. You think it’s easy for me to think of that? To think of the man I love being with another girl? You touching her and kissing her and being that way with her?” I saw the images in my mind as I spoke and the tears started to fall down my cheeks. It killed him to hear it, but it was the truth.

“I’m sorry…” his entire demeanor was just deflated. He was hurting- it was obvious. “You’re my best friend, Ann…”

“I love you Jord, you know I do. I can’t pretend I don’t.”

“Then be with me.”

I let out a sigh and let my head fall as I shook it. I didn’t have the energy to go back and forth. I walked away from him but he spun me around and, in a surprising move, kissed me passionately. I missed this. I missed him, but I pushed him away. “No! You….you can’t just do this to me!” I screamed. “You can’t do another girl and expect me to just forgive you because you’re sorry! I love you, I’ll always love you, and if you hadn’t screwed up we’d be in each other’s arms right now.”

“You know what, have it your way. You’re so damn stubborn! I love you! Alright? I. Love. You,” he enunciated each word. “I don’t know what else I can say. I know I hurt you, and it kills me. Kills me! But if you want to make both our lives miserable because you can’t acknowledge we’re meant to be together, than I can’t do anything more,” he yelled back.

“Oh now it’s my fault?! You’ve gotta be kidding me! I may be stubborn, but I have reasons! You were inside another girl! God, you’re such a jack-ass!” Our screaming match was heightening.

“It doesn’t mean anything to me! I can’t prove that to you!” he pulled at his blonde hair in frustration.

“Yeah I guess not. Just get out!” I didn’t want him to, but I couldn’t stand him anymore.

He lingered for a moment, as if he was going to try to kiss me again, but went against his better judgment. He puffed as he made his way to the door and slammed it behind him. I was so angry it took me a moment to compose myself, but instead of basking in my frustration, I just went to bed. I was emotionally drained.

When Sid called me the next day begging me to come to their game I couldn’t say no. I wanted to, but I wanted to stick it to Jordan. I also just wanted to see Jordan. Watching him play was something special to the both of us and even though I was angry I knew we both wanted me to be there.

He didn’t take his eyes off me all night. He stared at me intensely and I pretended not to notice, but he knew I did. As good of a game as it was, they didn’t win and I secretly wanted to run to him, but those days were over. Instead of going to Sid’s we ended up going to Kris’ for them to unwind and play video games. None of them wanted to go out because New Year’s was the following night and they planned on having a big party. I was just sitting on the couch, miserable, and trying to pretend I was completely normal but it was visible something was bugging me.

Sid sat down next to me and enveloped me in his arms, “you doin okay?”

I nodded and didn’t say anything. It was driving Jordan crazy but he wouldn’t leave because that meant he wouldn’t be by me.

“Wanna just sit here?” Sid questioned.

I nodded again. I saw from the corner of my eye Kris look Sid up and down.

“Yo Crosby. Get your hands off my wife,” I let out a genuine laugh at Kris’ joke.

“You wish Letang!” I yelled back with a huge smile across my face. I quickly realized that Kris was looking our for Jordan and I felt my heart sink.

I heard Jordan mumble something under his breath when I yelled back to Kris, but I didn’t hear what he said. No one else had even noticed that he said anything, and I knew it was directed at me.

“If it meant that you’d cook for me daily, then yes, I do wish it,” he said in his heavy accent.

I don’t know how Jordan did it, but he made it through the night without attacking his friends and we made it through the night without attacking each other.

New Year’s Eve was an event I did not want to spend with the boys. I didn’t want to be caught in the middle of anything and I didn’t want to see what girl would be all over Jordan or vice versa. I avoided him at all costs. When Sid wasn’t hanging on me to dance I stuck by Kris as often as I could and I didn’t mind being alone even though I was in the mist of dozens of people. I didn’t want to look in Jordan’s direction and I really tried not to but it wasn’t that easy. To my surprise, whenever I did look his way, he didn’t have a drink in his hand. He wasn’t getting hammered despite the fact that midnight was rapidly approaching and he saw Sid all over me.

I hadn’t had much to drink. I wasn’t really a drinker and I tended to get drunk rather quickly, so if I could abstain from it I usually did. Though I was sitting at the bar, lost in my trail of thoughts, I wasn’t far from the grasp of Jordan or Sidney. Suddenly Sid ran over to me like a bat out of hell, which startled me and I looked at him with confusion on my face.

“What’s wrong Crosby?” I asked him. “What was that all about?”

“I need to ask you something.”

“Okay…shoot.”

“It makes sense. You’ve been upset and you take things personally,” he wasn’t directing his words at me, he seemed to be speaking to himself. Then his focus shifted back to me, “you’ve avoided us…are you in love with Staal?”

I was taken aback by what he just asked me. I didn’t think anyone knew…well, other than Kris, and I wasn’t prepared to face any questions. I knew Jordan heard him. Sid had a lot of liquor in him and he wasn’t exactly quiet. Jord looked at me intensely and I even saw Kris get uncomfortable. I looked at Jordan and then to Kris and finally back at Sid. I had taken long enough to answer, but I finally did. “No,” I said somberly. It was the biggest and hardest lie I’d ever had to tell. I instantly took a shot and got up to go to the bathroom, mostly just so that I could breathe.

When I came back out it was almost time to ring in the New Year and I saw a girl approach Jordan. I couldn’t stomach seeing what was going to happen so in a fit of jealousy, I quickly had a drink and ran to Sid, dragging him on the dance floor. I slowly started moving our bodies closer together and didn’t pull away when he would run his hands all along my body. We used to dance together all the time I never felt that bad about it. Until I realized I fell for Jordan. Stupid Jordan. He had to ruin everything. I was so preoccupied with my thoughts that I didn’t notice him, and I had basically forgotten I was dancing with Sid. I may have only been satisfying my urge to hurt Jordan, but Sid was very into it. His moans and the way he grinded into me let me know that he wanted me, and it was getting harder for him to contain himself. Everyone aside from Jordan was feeling the affects of the alcohol, including myself, and when I finally started to feel a pang of conviction I tried to push away from Sid. Midnight was mere seconds away and I just wanted to spend it alone, but Sid held on to me tightly. When I wriggled free I turned to leave but Sid grabbed me, spun me around, and just as the clock struck midnight I felt Sid’s lips on mine and his hands wrap around my waist. My stomach filled with butterflies, but not the happy kind, the guilt-filled, unhappy stomach knots that make you want to vomit. I didn’t pull away from the kiss though. I was in shock way too far to just pull away and when he finally did I didn’t know how to react.

I looked around the room in a panic but Jordan was nowhere to be seen. I immediately lost my breath because my mind went straight to where I didn’t want it- I assumed he left with that girl that went up to him.

“Happy New Year,” Sid grabbed me again.

“Happy New Year to you too,” I kissed him again. It wasn’t filled with desire or want or love, it was searching for comfort and revenge. I pictured Jordan being the man who was on the other end of my lips, but I knew it wasn’t him. He didn’t touch me like Jordan did and he certain didn’t kiss me like him either. I didn’t feel much when Sid kissed me, but I was trying to push passed Jordan and this was the easiest way.

I didn’t go home with Sid that night. I went home alone- Kris made sure of that. I wasn’t sober but I wasn’t to the point where I’d forget my mistakes in the morning, and it was evident to Kris that my heart was wherever Jordan was…even if he was with someone else. The hardest thing for me that night wasn’t Sid or that girl-whoever she was- it was the blatant lie I told. When I said I didn’t love Jordan. Kris saw the agony I was in and called me out on my lie, reassuring me that he saw right through it, and if he knew I loved him Jordan had to as well. It made me feel slightly better, but I had to know what he was doing.