The Young and Lost Club

I stared at the long list of cities Cate and Colin Creevie had placed in front of me. 40 dates. April to June. San Fransisco, San Diego, Phoenix, Dallas, Miami, Atlanta, DC, Philadelphia, New York, Chicago, Kansas City, Milwaukee, Salt Lake City, Vancouver. It was a little overwhelming, but it was also incredibly exciting. Here we were, a small band whose major shows were small clubs in NYC, and one in LA, a couple minor shows on the East Coast, and now we had the entire country, and some of Canada at our fingertips. To show them who we were. 40 chances to make millions of fans. It almost made you lightheaded to think about.
“It’s a pretty incredible tour,” Cate said. “Some of the shows at the end are to be announced, but the earlier shows are all sold out.”
“How are we traveling?” Taylor asked.
“Lucky for us, Fueled by Ramen has agreed to help us pay for your own tour bus.”
My mouth felt dry. “Are you kidding me?”
Colin laughed. “No, we aren’t kidding. You all are really lucky. Not many opening bands get their own bus. Not even for a 40 date tour.”
“Who all will be on the bus?” Max asked.
Cate looked down at her notes spread in front of her. “The bus holds 8: so, you four, me or Colin, depending on the city, you’re merch head, Adam Lynch and production designer, Mike Holden.” Cate looked at me. “Not too many women on board, but I’m sure you’ll be fine.”
I laughed. “Yeah, I’ll be perfectly fine.”
“Have you all thought of your playlist?” Colin asked. “Usually you will play a 45 minute set, but some shows you’ll be able to play an hour. So just make sure you’re willing to mix it up.”
“We have a general idea,” Max said, pulling the list out of his back pocket and handing it to the two siblings.
Cate scanned the list and nodded, but then her brow furrowed and she glanced up at us. “Why isn’t Wishes are Weeds on here?”
“No.” I said quickly before anyone else could say anything.
Max and Cate shared a look.
“Clark doesn’t feel comfortable playing it.” Brian said in my defense.
“You need andacoustic song on the list I think.” Colin said.
“We have Architects of Modern Love,” I could feel myself gearing up for a fight. I would not play that song. Not when Brendon was in a 100 foot radius of me.
“That’s not really an acoustic.” Cate argued. “I really think you should consider playing it.”
“I won’t play it.” I said firmly. “It’s not up for discussion.”
Cate looked like she was going to argue more but after a long moment, shook her head. “Fine.” She said. “I’m not going to force this. But I do think it’s a mistake.”
“We’re not going to play it if Clark doesn’t want to.” Brian said firmly and I smiled lightly at him.
Cate sighed and shrugged.
“Should we order dessert?” Colin suggested, breaking the tension.
I glanced at my watch. “I wish I could but I’m meeting a friend-“
This caused my three best friends to have three very different, and violent reactions. Max rolled his eyes and irritably took a drink from his water glass, Taylor shrugged, not looking at anyone and picked at his food, and Brian smirked and snickered loudly. I bit my tongue trying not to tell them all off for being too protective, too unsupportive, and too crude, respectively. “I’ll see you all later.”
“See you tomorrow morning,” Brian said, sending me an evil grin. I smacked the back of his head. “Bye guys,” I said to Cate and Colin, and I walked out of the restaurant and to my car.

I was still surprised Alex had agreed to see me. I had thought that the way I had acted at our wrap up party would turn him off and offend him for a while. But as it turned out, Alex readily agreed to see me. We decided to meet at the same bar I had seen him at that night.
I was nervous. Not only was this something I would never have imagined myself doing, but I was also feeling horribly guilty. Ryan and Taylor were practically furious with me when I told them I was meeting up with Alex. They told me it was wrong, and it was selfish to use a great guy like Alex, and I agreed with them: it was wrong. But it was also the only solution I could think of. I was doing this half out of desperation to remove Brendon from myself, and half out of spite, hoping that it would somehow, impossibly hurt Brendon deeply.
I walked into the dim bar, which was slowly filling up with people and tried to locate Alex, tugging nervously on the hem of my shirt. I finally spotted him in the corner booth and made my way over.
“Clark!” He exclaimed with a wide smile. He jumped up and gave me a hug, kissing me on the cheek, and I almost felt myself chicken out from what I was going to do. He released me, still holding onto my forearms and gave me a once over. “California agreed with you.” He stated.
And that’s when I noticed that he was actually nervous. Alex Gaskarth, the unflappable, easy going Alex Gaskarth was nervous to be around me. I couldn’t blame him. The last time I had seen him I hadn’t been exactly sane. I was like a ticking time bomb. He probably had no idea how to treat me. I felt a familiar flare of wanting to make him comfortable, to make him feel more at ease, and so I smiled widely at him, pleased that it felt natural, and said, “Yeah it really did.”
He let out a tiny sigh of relief and gestured to the table, where he had already ordered a dry martini for me. “You know me so well,” I joked to him, taking a sip of the drink.
He gave me a lopsided smile. “How was the meeting?”
“A little overwhelming,” I said truthfully.
“Yeah, I’m sure.”
“Yeah.”
“Did you have a good time in California?”
“Yes, it was very nice.”
“How’s Ross?”
“The same old Ryan.” I knew I was not doing a good job on this conversation, but I could barely concentrate on what he was saying, I was too nervous for what I had come here for it was hard to think about small talk.
Alex was getting frustrated, I could tell, but he tried again. “Didn’t he get a new house out there?”
“Yes.”
Alex’s jaw set and he glared at me. “Can you please stop acting so fucking weird?” He snapped.
I swallowed. “I’m sorry.” He rolled his eyes and I took a large gulp of my drink.
“Why’d you even invite me here if you didn’t want to talk to me?” He demanded.
I thought for a moment about how I wanted to respond. “Look Alex, I didn’t come here for small talk. I came here to apologize. For everything. You have to understand I haven’t been in the right frame of mind lately and I’ve been doing a lot of stupid things…”
Alex slammed his beer bottle on the table. “If you came here to tell me you regretted sleeping with me you can just save it…”
“No!” I said cutting him off. “I don’t regret it. In fact, I’d like to do it again if you don’t mind.” I said the last part so quickly I almost didn’t even hear it. Being blunt had always been my specialty, sure I was out of practice, but I could still pack a punch when I needed to.
Alex choked and started coughing loudly. And I couldn’t help but laugh at him. “What, did I finally shock you?” I said teasingly.
“Yeah, well, you can’t just spring that on a guy,” he said looking up at me, his eyes watering slightly.
I looked away from him as we both fell into an awkward silence. This was, without a doubt, the weirdest and sluttiest thing I’d ever done, and I’m not sure how I would take it if he rejected me. “So…what do you think?” I said quietly, still feeling his eyes on me.
“About you wanting to be my…what?…my fuck buddy?” He said darkly.
I cringed slightly at his blunt, but true words. “Yes,” I said, almost a whisper.
“What about Brendon?” He said coldly.
My head shot up, and I glared at him, feeling defensive. “What about Brendon?” I shot back, just as cold.
“You said you were still in love-“
“And like you said so elegantly Gaskarth, he’s moved on, and its time I had too.”
He winced. “I am sorry about that. I wasn’t even thinking.”
I shook my head. “I don’t care Alex. I don’t give a shit about him.”
Alex looked at me, his jaw set again. “Are you sure? I’m not going to agree to this…insane…this crazy…”
. “Look Alex,” I said with a sigh and leaning closer to him. “I could have come in here and seduced you all that shit, but you’re too smart for that and I respect you too much. I’m sick of wallowing and I’m sick of not being how I used to be. I don’t know…the other night…at first it really hurt me, but the more I thought about it…I guess it kind of helped, in a way actually. But if it’s too weird, if you know, this bothers you…”
“No,” Alex said quietly. “I don’t really mind.”
“You’ve always been my friend Alex.” I said seriously. “I’m not willing to jeopardize that. I like you far too much to fuck anything up between us. So just say the word.” He didn’t say anything, so I continued. “I’m not asking for a relationship, I mean, I really don’t want to be in a relationship again, I’m just…I’m not asking for monogamy or anything like that. I’m just asking for…”
Alex ended my misery. “Friends with benefits.” He filled in for me.
“Yes.”
Alex sat quietly for a moment, rubbing his hand over the stubble on his cheek, while I nervously twisted my hands in my lap. “As long as we’re being honest…” Alex said hesitantly.
“Yeah?”
“Well…I mean, obviously I like you, Clark. A lot. I mean, who wouldn’t? And, uh, well, I’m obviously insanely attracted to you,” he shot me a small smirk.
“Obviously I am to you too.” I said.
His grin widened, and looking at me up from under his long lashes, he held up his drink. “To friends with benefits,” he said.
And with a mixture of relief and trepidation, I raised my glass and clinked it against his. “To friends with benefits.”

We didn’t discuss it any further than that, and I was thankful for it. Thankful that Alex had agreed, thankful that he hadn’t made it anymore awkward then it needed to be, for understanding my strange request, thankful he didn’t call me out for being a cruel and selfish bitch.
He made it so easy, so flirtatious, so sweet. It was like old times, except more flirtatious, and he made it so simple for me to slip back into character of the old Clark. So we kept drinking, talking about everything and catching up on our lives, careful to not mention the unmentionable. And then he managed to convince me to dance with him, and because I was feeling good and was slightly numb to the world from all the drinks I’d had, I agreed. Under those flashing lights and bad rap music, Alex looked beautiful. And the way he was pressed up against me, the way his hands tightened on my hips, the way his lips were pressing on my neck, it made it so easy, so easy to turn around and kiss him, so easy to open myself up as his tongue slipped its way into my mouth, so easy for him to whisper huskily in my ear, “let’s go to my apartment”, so easy for me to agree.
We walked to his car, and I walked around to the driver’s side. “And what do you think you’re doing, Miss Abrams?” Alex laughed into my ear, pressing into me up against the side of the car. I just gave him a coy grin and opened the back seat car door, and yanked him in with me. He kissed me hard, pressing the full weight of his body on mine, his hand caressing my side, and under my shirt. “I really like this proposition.” He said, attacking my neck, leaving bruises, I’m sure, but I didn’t care. For once, I wasn’t thinking about Brendon. I was thinking about Alex. I was thinking about how rough his hands were on my stomach, I was thinking about how he knew just were to touch to make me twinge in pleasure, I was thinking about how he wasn’t necessarily gentle, but I liked it.
“Let’s go to your apartment. Now.” I said when I couldn’t take it anymore. His shirt was already off, and mine was pushed up, exposing my bra.
“What, don’t want to do it in a car?” He said, smirking at me.
I sat up and bit his earlobe, making him gasp quietly “Not really, Mr. Gaskarth.”
“Well, come on,” He said, with a devilish smirk quickly climbing into the front seat, not even bothering to put his shirt back on. “Let’s not wait around.”

And so, once again, I let myself get carried away, and for the first time in months, I didn’t care.