I'm Lost in Confusion

The last couple of days have been the worst, this is like morning over your dead friend. I decided that today is a good day to see matt. Its been about a week since I’ve seen him. I walked through the kitchen to find my keys. I looked everywhere, and anywhere, nothing. I know there in here. I walked over to the counter, I look at the phone and still nothing, I sighed a little. Not even I’m ok. This is killing me slowly. I was still having issues about my weeding, I wanted her to be in it so bad, but I didn’t know if she wanted to. Brian and the guys might be able to handle it either. Like I said I’m lost. I still cant find those fucking keys. I’m to the point where I’m going to rip this whole kitchen apart.

Brian: "hey you looking for these, he said shaking my keys. Making them Klink. "

Jenn: "Yes where were they?"

Brian: "I had them."

Jenn: "why?"

Brian: "cause I got bored so I washed and cleaned your car."

Jenn: "ok thanks. Well I’m leaving and will be back later."

Brian: "Going to visit him?"

Jenn:" yeah."

I drove the few miles that separated our homes. I don’t really know what I’m going to say to him.
I knocked on the door, and waited. The door slowly creaked open.

Matt: "oh hi."

He look a mess

Jenn:" hi Matt, how are you doing?"

Matt:" I’m fine. He pushed the door in to let me in."

I walked in and sat on the couch, he sat next to me.

Jenn: "tell me what have you been doing, what kinda shit has Brian been talking about me, tell me everything girl. He chuckled a little". At least I can get him to laugh.

Matt:" nothing much, I haven’t left the house. I’ve been watching tv."

For some reason I find this a lie. I’m sure he has a little but I know he’s been crying. I can tell his eyes are red and very swollen. The house was still the same as she left it. I don’t blame him.

Jenn:" Oh matt, I touched his swollen face."

Matt: "its nothing , I’m fine. I’m mean I’m not but, you get it,"

Jenn: "I know you need to get out, will you go out with me to lunch, ill buy! PLEASE I yelled."

Matt:" fine….where you want to go."

Jenn": that’s all on you,"

Matt": Dukes."

We got in the car and left. I want him to relax, and be happy, even if its for an hour or so. I tried to get him to lighten up a bit, but its like everyone in this town knows about it. I feel so bad because he is such a sweet person, a great dad, and would have been a great husband. But he never got the chance. I wanted my friends to be happy, I wanted all of us to be happy. I focused my attention back to him.

Jenn: "so matt, is there a new album in store?"

Matt: "Yeah I think so, I know me and Brian have been working on it."

Jenn: "that bitch didn’t tell me. Well that’s pretty cool, you going to switch anything".

Matt: "no, I don’t think so".

Jenn: 'You have any songs written?"

Matt: "Oh yeah I have a lot."

Things got quiet.

Sometimes just he's looks that he gives me are so sad. I want to help him so much, I want to help all of them. I'm sure he feel abandon. He sat there and ate quietly as did I. I hope this makes him feel a little better getting out and all. We left the restaurant we walked down to the beach, just to see what's going on. I haven't been here in awhile. It's nice, relaxing. I looked over at matt he seemed to be at ease, at least for now.

Jenn:" matt I hope you know I'm here for you. I'm always here to listen to what you have to say. I'm always here to help you".

Matt:" I know you are."

Jenn": I don't except you tell me right away. I know these things take time. "

Matt ":yeah well it really hit hard here. He said pointing to his heart".

Jenn :"I know. Please matt when your ready feel free to talk to me. I just want things to be the same."

Matt:" well I'm here for you as well this was or is still your best friend and she just dropped you and left. Don't you hurt?"

Jenn:" yes I do. I feel like maybe she was finished with me. I miss all the good times we’ve had. She's been my best for 10 years. But you have the most important thing. Chad. "

Matt:" I miss my little guy. "

Jenn": you shouldn't have to guess if you son is here or there. But you know he's ok".

Matt: "I don't want him to find some other dude to call dad. "

Jenn:." I know. "

We had walked up and down the beach. We had a silent drive back to his house.

Jenn: "ok matt please if you need me for anything just call, ok?"

Matt: "yeah I will. Thanks. "

We hugged.

I drove back home parked in the drive and just sat there. My mind runs over that day a thousand times. I try to think where she could of gone. I never had any luck. I sat there in the car for awhile. I stared at the dash. Slowly tears slip out my eyes. I miss her. I want things to the same again, like they used to be. Having fun, going parties, and going on tour. I felt the door open and my seat belt come off.

Brian :"hey it's ok. Don't cry. Things will work out. "

Jenn ":no they won't. They haven't worked out since she left. Everything has gone down the drain. Its like I cant function."

Brian: "that's no true. Were the same".

Jenn: "that's not what I'm talking about and you know it. You see the way matt looks. He looks like shit today Brian. His face is swollen because he's been crying".

Brian:. "Yeah I know. "

We walked in the house. I sat on the couch. I zoned out. It's like I wasn't there at all. I had to make sure I was breathing. He came and sat next to me.

Brian" you ok?"

Jenn" I'm fine for now. "

Brian "want dinner? "

Jenn" I'm not that hungry. Me and matt went out. "

Brian "oh well then. Dukes?"

Jenn "yes. Then a walk on the beach. "

Brian "well at least he's out of the house. Jimmy’s coming over tomorrow I know you haven't seen him since the wedding, it's not right that you both don't talk."

Jenn: "ok"

Brian: "you need to see people. "

Jenn: "last time I checked I was seeing someone. I smiled a little."

Brian: "well I'd like to meet this dude. I want to make sure he's good for you."

Jenn: "oh ok then. I gave him a hug and didn't want to let go".

Brian ": Its ok, let all go, I know its hard for you, its hard for me. Even if we fought, and talked shit about each other, I miss her."

Jenn: "wow coming from you, that’s a lot."

Brian: "but his my friend too, I have to help him."

Jenn:" I don’t know what to do anymore."

We went out side to enjoy the warm California air. It was a clear night. New things entered my mind, I want to solve this for everyone. Its not right we are all like this, but who can blame us, its someone close to us. I was curious on how jimmy was going to act tomorrow. He’s always got something up his sleeve. But what if he acted like blah, I don’t know if I could handle that. It would take a great force to make the man clam down, even for a second. I hope he is still the same, but feels for his friends.