I Want to Hold You, for Now and Forever

David McKay:

“The most important of life's battles is the one we fight daily in the silent chambers of the soul.”

For three days Brian had not said a word to me apart from when we were in front of my family or Beci’s and it was killing me, how do your family not realise some things wrong when all you get are nods or one word answers? At this moment in time, a quote by Stephen R Covey had come into my mind and what he said was “While we are free to choose our actions, we are not free to choose the consequences of our actions.” My actions were those of telling Brian I would never have his child and the consequences? He told me he couldn’t be with me and left; He didn’t want the others to know exactly what was going on so he slept on the sofa that was placed in our room and the consequences? What was supposed to be the best trip home ever turned into a nightmare not even a dream could concoct; he wouldn’t even look at me. Who am I to limit life’s options? Why do I have to limit the things I can do because of fear? And most importantly who am I to deny Brian the right to a family? These thoughts whirled around my mind yet I still go back to the fact that I’ve never had any desire to become a mother, I’ve never wanted to look after something that only shits and cries all day long, okay I lied, there was once that I thought I wanted a child but I was 7 and all I wanted to do was dress it up in pretty clothes anyway so aside from the desire not to reproduce, I never wanted my kid, if I had one, to grow up without a father and in the modern times it’s basically a sure thing. I was 8 when my parents split up and I was uprooted and until that point I was a daddy’s girl through and through and he fucking promised me I would always remain that way but he found his own family, one that didn’t include me, I wasn’t his princess anymore and still to this day, it’s the most painful feeling in the world, something that will never be healed and my heart always cries for the time that I lost with him, he’s still in my life don’t get me wrong but it’s not how it used to be and the memories never fade. I remember when I was 6 and I had climbed a tree I’d climbed a thousand times but for some reason I got scared and couldn’t get down, my dad came along and just simply lifted me out the tree and rescued me from my fear and comforted me instead of scolding me so now that I’m older what do I wish for? My dad to rescue me, to heal my broken heart and cuddle me, I guess some things are just wishful thinking.

He walked in to the room and didn’t even spare me a glance, just walked straight in to the bathroom. I sighed as I heard the shower turn on, I had just about tried everything for him to talk to me and it never worked. His silence made me think about the beginning of our journey as couple and I came to the conclusion that I was head over heels for him and that I needed him like I needed oxygen; he was a thief and he stole my heart.

The door clicked open, revealing a cloud of steam. I was waiting for him, I was always waiting for him and I would follow him everywhere. He walked out in nothing but towel which made me turn my head slightly with a red tint to my cheeks, I don’t know why I always had this reaction when I saw him like this but I did. I started to chew the inside of my lip and twiddle my fingers, trying to find some courage to talk to me.

“I’m going out” he stated, starting the conversation. Maybe, we’re getting somewhere, that’s the most he’s said to me.

“Talk to me” I said with my head down

“What do you want me to say to you Chlo?” Yes! We’re back to nicknames… Maybe, just maybe

“Anything that doesn’t end with you breaking my heart” I looked at him and I could feel the tears in my eyes, they started to cloud my vision. He let out a deep breath of air and looked at me; his face was softened as he just stood where he was.

“Compromise with me”

“I don’t think I can” I shook my head slightly

“Then I guess it ends with both of our hearts broken” he walked out of the room, slamming the door, the action made me flinch. The worst part was watching him walk away from me

The memory flashed across my mind but I couldn’t help but to pace my room with these irritating thoughts of childhood abandonment and reasons why I don’t want my own children that still refused to leave, the thoughts were making me angrier and angrier by the second at how Brian just didn’t want to fucking try nor understand but then I remembered I never told him, I never told him why. More fool me huh, I lost someone because I couldn’t share my feelings, why is that so familiar to me? Why don’t I leave this fucking room in search of him and tell him why? How was that so hard? Whilst my mind was running a mile a minute, my legs were paralyzed and for the life of me I couldn’t understand why. I need to fucking wise up and do it, grow a pair and face the past in order to move to a brighter future. But what if history does repeat itself? What do I do then? Laugh it off and say I told you so… who the fuck would I say it to? My reflection in the mirror, the one that has been laughing at me for years?

I picked up a lamp and threw it across the room; I need to say it now before I lose my nerve. I opened the door and walked out of it before stopping and knocking on Beci’s door

“Yello” she opened the door “Wow you look mad”

“I am. Do you know where Brian is?”

“Checked if he’s outside smoking?” she asked and I shook my head

“I’ll go check now”

“Chill out first babe” Jen said, popping her head round Beci

“I am chill” I snarled

“Yeah fucking right” she chuckled

“I need to talk to him”

“Alright but I got to see this”

“No, you stay here. You can come out if you hear me” I said with a slight evil smirk on my face

“Okay” Beci said before I walked off and she closed the door. I asked the receptionist if she’d seen them and she pointed to them outside, how could I have missed them? All the guys were outside smoking and laughing. ‘Let’s see how long their laughing for now shall we’ I thought, the evil smirk still firmly planted on my face. Why was I being evil again? No idea but hey, lets just go with the flow here. I was stood in front of them all and they were looking at me, quietly

“Talk to me” I said sternly, looking him in the eyes. No reply

“Did you hear me? Fucking talk to me. You storm out of our room three fucking days ago and don’t talk to me, why? Because I don’t want kids? Did you even care to find out why, instead of giving up? No because you’re just like every other man in my fucking life and leave” I glared, my voice was scarily low… hell I was scared if that counts for something

“Not out here Chloe” Zacky said, putting his hand on my shoulder and I slapped it away

“Fuck off” I seethed, turning my glare back to Brian

“Talk to me!” I screamed and shoved him. I looked like a woman possessed but you they don’t say ‘Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned’ for no reason

“What do you want me to say?” he said as if nothing was bothering him

“What do I want you to say?” I huffed “Anything. Just say something to me”

He just shook his head and stood there, nothing really phased by my actions like the others. He just didn’t care; either that or he was just a really good actor

“You’re a dumbshit Brian, you really are. You preach to me about how you never give up and you fight for everything yet when the tough gets going you fucking bail like a pussy because your not man enough to fight” something changed in his eyes and it looked like anger. Guess I hit the spot, yes?

“I run? What is there to stay for? I want something you don’t, simple as so I’m sorry that I don’t see the point in fighting for something that isn’t gonna work out. There is nothing to stay for” Okay, ouch, that hurt

“You don’t want me?” I asked, not taking my blue ones off his brown ones

“That’s not what I said”

“Guys not now” Shads said

“Fuck off” Me and Brian said at the same time, Shads put his hands up in surrender

“This is your entire fault” I told him with tears in my eyes “if you never turned up that day, we could have gone on with our own lives yet you wanted to prove a fucking point to yourself. You never asked me if I wanted kids or get married because I tell you now I never wanted either”

“Yeah your right but you didn’t have to agree with me then you could have gotten back on your fucking high horse and rode away into your oh so bright sunset” he sarcastically replied

“My high horse?” I have a high horse? Wow, who woulda thought? “Do you really think of me like that? What I can’t be like you because I’m not covered in tattoos and in a fucking rock band? You’re pathetic. What? I don’t get it, how am I on my high horse? Because I don’t take your shit and tell you what I’m thinking? Okay then I guess I am” I felt the rain starting to hit my clothes like bullets. I didn’t want to lose him but this isn’t going anywhere good

“Ever stop to think about anyone else? No, never once did you think about what I wanted and you weren’t even willing to compromise” I started to shiver in the rain and my tears joined the rain drops that hit my cheeks

“Because it scares the shit out of me that you want this family but you’re never going to be around to raise it. I’d have to do it on my own, how do you think that’s fair on a kid to only have one parent around, I don’t want a child to go through the shit I had to go through, Brian. I had to fight for my dads attention because I wasn’t apart of his new family, I had to fight for him to say that he loved me and he was never around. He never came to my prom, never came to any of my soccer matches and only once did he ever come to see me period. He always acted like I owed him something yet he could never see that I gave him everything, do you want your child to go through that? For them to constantly question whether you love them because you’re never around and if you did, you’d never fucking leave but in the end you always leave. Always. After that? They just end up becoming the shadow of the person they was because everything they gave was never enough for that person”

“I’d never let you do it on your own”

“But you’re not going to be around either. What happens when you go on tour and you’re surrounded by thousands of people who crave and get your attention? What will happen then, would you forget? Because I promise you, it wouldn’t be hard to you to forget and get caught up in it. Then what do I do?” my cries had turned into sobs and Brian pulled me into an embrace, I looked up at him “Why do we have to plan shit now, I just want to enjoy us and I feel like your rushing me”

“I just need to know where I’m headed, I don’t like to be blind sided” he looked at me intently

“Wherever you go, I’m never going to be far behind but I don’t know if you can lead two separate lives, something is going to give. How could you put up with me as well?”

“I put up with these shitheads, how can I not put up with you” he hooked his thumb towards the guys and we laughed

“That’s true” he wiped my tears

“I just want a family, ya know, it’s the only thing I’ve ever really wanted and I’m sorry that I never asked you why but you’re pretty stubborn sometimes so I put it down to that”

“I know but your stubborn too” I pouted and he kissed me, a short sweet peck on my lips

“Okay, now the mushy shit is over” Johnny started before JB smacked him over the head “Ouch, I was going to ask if we could dry off”

“Yeah, can we?” Jimmy pleaded

“I wasn’t stopping you from leaving before, I’m pretty sure I told you to fuck off anyway” I chuckled slyly

“Yeah, you did and thanks for hurting my hand” Zacky said, rubbing his hand

“Sorry but you touched me”

“Is there a law against touching you?” he inquired

“Yeah, our marriage certificate” Brian laughed, smacking him upside the head as the guys chuckled. We all headed inside and walked to our respective rooms

“We’re soaked” I said, grabbing towels and handing one to Brian

“You’re fault” he laughed

“Yeah, yeah” I smiled before dropping my towel and walking up to him as he was sat on the edge of the bed, I pushed him back and laid on top of him, kissing him

“What are you doing?” he asked not parting his lips from mine

“Let’s just call it practicing until the real thing” I smiled

“Serious?”

“Yeah, I’ve got to let go at some point. Right?”

“Definitely” he flipped me over so he was on top and the feeling of completeness had swept over me

He pulled my wet tank top off over my head and started to kiss my jaw line down to my neck, I giggled at the sensation it was the only part of me that was ticklish. His hands were caressing every part of my body, never once letting his lips leave my skin, it was as if he was marking his territory. I pulled his top up off over his head and ran my fingers through his damp jet black hair, moaning at the feel of his lips on my body. With one quick movement of his hand behind my back, he pulled my bra off and threw it to the ground. I couldn’t help to smirk at his talent. His lips moved from my neck to my collarbone and then to my right breast whilst his other hand paid attention to the other, I arched my back as my nerve endings went into sensory overload, his tongue playing with my nipples as if a greedy child. I scraped my nails up his back and he hissed at the pain before bringing his head level with mine as we shared a quiet moment of pure bliss, I ended the moment by nipping at his lower lip, showing him than I was more than ready. After removing the rest of the clothing that was left to peel from our damp bodies, he parted my legs, never once breaking eye contact and that’s when I felt him enter me finally making our body’s one with each other. With each thrust, I couldn’t help but scream his name in pure ecstasy, I’ve never felt this kind of pleasure before, and I felt as if I was a virgin discovering an orgasm for the first time. That’s when I felt it, the build up that made me shake with anticipation, my toes curl and my nails dig into his back, for one last time I screamed his name but this time it was more intense and louder, he came not long after I did and he fell on top of me, luckily he didn’t hurt me, then again, I wouldn’t have cared if he did.

“Worth the wait” I said breathlessly and he opted for nodding instead of speaking. He kissed me again and I didn’t hesitate to comply

“I fucking love England” he laughed and I smiled at him

“I can’t wait to go home though, our home”

“Me either, then we can go at it in our bed, in the kitchen, the laundry room, the…” I put my finger to his lips

“I get the point” I laughed. He moved to lay beside me and facing me as I snuggled in to his side, he kissed my neck

“Night Husband” I giggled sleepily

“Night Mother of my kids to be” he grinned

“That was a mouthful”

“I have a mouthful of…”

“I get the point” I laughed tiredly

“Night Beautiful” he kissed me one last time before we fell into a blissful sleep that comprised of nothing but happy endings and late nights.