I Want to Hold You, for Now and Forever

Sophia Loren:

“I've never tried to block out the memories of the past, even though some are painful. I don't understand people who hide from their past. Everything you live through helps to make you the person you are now.”

Waking up in his arms, I felt perfect. Yawning and slightly stretching, I looked over at his sleeping form and smiled at what I saw; his mouth slightly ajar with his hair sticking in every direction, I couldn’t help but quietly laugh before I rubbed my eyes.

Looking at the ceiling, I suddenly got the desperate urge to pee but I was trapped in his arms, I started squirming around in order to find ways to get out of his death grip.

“What are you doing?” he mumbled against his pillow

“I need to pee” I whined

“Then go pee” he chuckled

“I cant, I’m stuck!” he peeped one eye open and released me

“Be quick”

“Yes Sir!” I grinned before grabbing his shirt off the floor and putting it on. He rolled his eyes at my actions and I stuck my tongue out at him. I quickly ran to the toilet, I swear it was one of those ‘ahh’ pees and one of those that never seemed to end.

Once I finished I looked in the mirror, the person staring back at me was happy. I looked like a completely new person, well the sex hair helped the new look but I loved it. I loved that I had a glow to my cheeks now and it was all because of Brian, I never imagined in a million years that someone could make me this happy.

Giving myself one last smile, I walked back into the bedroom. I ran and jumped on the bed, spreading myself all over it, that meant I was half on Brian also

“What are you doing?” he smiled, looking at me

“Getting comfortable” I said in a sing song voice and he shook his head, the smile never once disappeared

“Did you enjoy last night?” I felt myself go red before nodding my head “Don’t go all shy on me now baby”

I hid my face in my pillow “I’m not”

“Liar” he chuckled before pulling me tight against him

“It was amazing” I said not taking my eyes off of his.

“I couldn’t be any other way” I laughed and slapped his arm

“Brian...”

“Yeah?”

“Never mind” I decided against telling him, he would just laugh

“Tell me”

“No, seriously it doesn’t matter” Yeah, I mean its stupid anyway but still I felt like I should tell him. Oh he would have a major ego boost

“If your thinking about it then it does so tell me” he said firmly

“Well, it’s nothing serious but….”

“But…”

“No I can’t” I hid my face in his chest and before I knew, he had switched our positions so he was on top of me and he held my arms above my head

“Tell me, woman”

“Promise you won’t laugh”

“I promise”

“Do you pinky promise?” he nodded hooking our pinkies together “That was the first time I’ve had an orgasm” I rushed out trying to hide my face

“What? Are you serious?” He said, gently grabbing my face

“Yeah”

“I’m glad I was of some use” he beamed. Yup, ego boost. He dipped his head to give me a kiss and I couldn’t help but smile into it “Want another one?”

I laughed “I want a shower, I feel like I smell”

“You do smell…”

“Hey!” I pouted

“You smell of me and sex… that’s a great combination babe”

“Shut up” I laughed and rolled my eyes.

He kissed my neck making me squirm, it was one of the few places I was ticklish and he knew it. I tried pushing him off but it was no use as he continued to smother my neck in kisses. Somehow I managed to slip from under him and I jumped up as I backed up against the far facing wall, he got up in all his naked glory making me blush as he advanced on me. I couldn’t help but to giggle

“There’s no use in running babe” he smirked

“Brian, please” I squealed as he grabbed my sides, pushing me against the wall as he claimed my lips.

He pushed me up the wall so I could wrap my legs around his waist and I forcefully pressed my lips against his once again which seemed to spur him on as he ripped his shirt from my body. His fingers tightly gripped my hips, neither of us caring about bruising. He roughly thrust into me making me gasp in surprise but his powerful assault didn’t stop and I couldn’t help but to moan out his name, it was so good and so different to how it was last night. Last night was sweet and sensual, it was exactly how I would have preferred my first time to be but I wasn’t one of those lucky ones so it was like Brian unknowingly was making up for the past yet right now, we were letting out our passion, letting out all the torture we’ve endure by teasing each other these past few months. I clawed at his back leaving marks in the process; he must have liked this because he let out a hungry growl. My hips started to meet his as if fighting for dominance, my stomach started to tingle and the heat pooled in my lower abdomen, I knew I was close. I nipped and bit at his neck and shoulder as he smothered me in sloppy kisses, my hands slipped into his dark, damp hair and both our bodies were covered in sweat

“Fuck” I moaned “Brian harder”

“Any harder and I’ll fucking break you” he panted

“It’ll be worth it” I snapped my head back as he complied with my request. We were both close.

I tightened around him and my body started to shake as his thrusts became more erratic which indicted he was just as close as I was. Within minutes, I screamed out his name as he gave his final thrust into me, his shoulders slumped as he pressed his head against my shoulders; I was trying to catch my breath.

“I think we really need a shower now” he said gaining composure. He grabbed me tightly and walked to the bathroom; I couldn’t help but to look at him with adoration “What?”

“Nothing” I grinned before pressing my lips to his. He turned the shower on and placed us both in there.

After yet another orgasmic encounter in the shower, we finally got dressed and ready for whatever the day held.

“I’m just going to go see what the others are doing baby” he informed me before pecking me on the lips. I just lay back on the bed, I really wasn’t up for anything strenuous, I was pretty sore but hell was it worth it and as quick as he left, he had come back

“What’s the plan Stan?” I quietly chuckled at the rhyme as he rolled his eyes at me “Hey! It was funny!”

“Sure, it was. They don’t want to do anything, they just want a quiet day” he shrugged

“Oh, well what are we going to do?”

“Order room service, order a movie and chill” He said sitting on the bed.

True to his word, we ate and watched a couple of movies. However, after watching the third movie, he turned to me and randomly asked me a question

“What was your first time like?” I looked at him with surprise written on my face, was he seriously asking me that?

“Erm… I can’t really remember it” I shrugged with my brows furrowed

“Why?”

“Because I was drunk and all I remember was that it hurt like hell”

“Oh, right” he turned back to the film

“Why did you ask that?” I questioned him with light amusement at his curiosity.

“I don’t know, I just thought you knew about mine but I never knew yours”

“So you were thinking about sex?” I never lost the amusement in my voice and he nodded

“I still can’t get over that you’d never had an orgasm before” I groaned at his sentence as he looked at me with a big grin. He would forever look at me like that after I came, I can see it now. Why did I have to tell him?

“Why do we have to talk about this? And more importantly why are you surprised? Did you know that only like 20% of woman have an orgasm through penetrative sex?” I told him. It was true too; I always thought there was something wrong with me

“Seriously?” I nodded at him

“I’ve never had the best sexual encounters, to be honest. My mum always said that once I found the right person, it would be amazing”

“She was right” I shoved him and he laughed

“I suppose”

“So what’s the deal with your parents?” I looked at him strange as to say ‘what are you talking about?’ so he continued “Well whenever you spoke about your Dad in front of your Mum, she looked slightly annoyed and angry”

“Because she can’t understand why I still chase him after all these years” I stated

“Why do you?”

“I want him to Love me like he does my brothers and don’t dare say he does because I know he doesn’t, its like after they separated, his love for me changed. Before hand, it was different, it was always about me, I was his little princess” I looked at him with a slight pout, I felt a bit weird being this open with him. I very rarely talked about my relationship with my Dad

“What do you think happened?”

“I fucked up majorly, that’s what happened” His looked told me to continue so before I did, I took a deep breath and steadied the emotions running through my veins “It took me a while to come to the realisation that they wouldn’t get back together. You see, my Mum left my Dad for another man and it broke him really badly, so when I understood the full extent of what happened, I kind of acted out; I was brought home by the police, I was drunk and stoned a lot but mostly, I played them off against each other. I told my Dad I couldn’t handle it here and that I wanted to live with him, I made my Mums life hell. Once she told me she was going to get Social Services involved because she couldn’t handle me anymore, it hurt me bad to think that I damaged my family that much but I couldn’t change, I was involved with some nasty people which included my ex boyfriend, who by the way, is now in prison” I chuckled

“I couldn’t imagine you like that; you’re so determined and hard working. I’ve never seen anyone so devoted to a parent”

“I guess it’s my way of making up for everything I’ve put her through”

“Yeah, most likely but what made you change?”

“A lot of things, Brian, a lot of things that I haven’t thought about in while” I looked at him ashamed

“You don’t have to carry on” He said sitting up and putting an arm around my shoulder so I could lean my head against him

“The fights… The fights were so bad” I mumbled, pausing for a second

“I nearly hit her” Thinking about it brought tears to my eyes and he stiffened “I’m not a violent person but I was so fucked up, I was venomous. She called my bluff and I hated her for it, I raised my hand and as soon as I saw I did, I ran out and I was set against running away so she wouldn’t have to put up with a monster of a daughter” I moved on the bed so I could be facing him, I lent on the back of my legs

“Beci found me and was bluntly honest with me. I was such a bad friend to her; I ditched her all the time so I could be with these assholes yet she was always there. She told me that I had no choice but to change otherwise I would lose everything”

“What did you do?” He was so interested in the story

“I went home and for the first time in years, I hugged my Mum and told her I Loved her more than anything in this universe and that I would change. She didn’t believe me at first but I proved her wrong, showed her I could be the daughter she always wanted. I worked hard at school, they predicted that I would come out with E’s and F’s but I came out with B’s and I had the best reward, my Mum broke down and told me how proud she was of me. That’s why I cling to her opinion of my actions so much Brian” My eyes were watery and he stroked my cheek as if he was wiping away imaginary tears yet he remained silent

“What you see now Brian, isn’t who I used to be. I’ve tried so hard to be someone that my family and friends could be proud to be associated with. I know I was young but sometimes I can still feel myself slipping and it scares the living shit out of me at just how nasty I can be”

“We all have those sides babe and no one likes the dark side of themselves. Just be grateful for all you have, that you have the kind of support that won’t allow you to fall” I smiled at him

“I’m so grateful for you” I told him and he furrowed his eyebrows as to ask why? “Because you make me the person I want to be, I feel perfect with you and I cannot believe that one person could do that to me but you love to prove me wrong”

“You’re so adorable” He pecked my lips

“I’m not adorable, I’m evil, why won’t you believe me?” I fake glared at him

“You’re adorable so shut up” we laughed “You do that to me too baby, after my ex. I kind of hated women, I didn’t want a relationship if it was just going to end with me being hurt again. My career is hard, not just for me but for my family, it will be for you too, I just need you to trust me when I’m on the road. I Love you; I won’t ever intentionally hurt you and I just want you know that it’ll always be you that I come home to, got it kid?”

“Yeah I got it” I kissed his lips.

It’s like he saw into my soul, he saw the hurt and the fears that it had caused and he was adamant on me knowing how much I meant to him. I haven’t been this open in a while and the things that I told him were reasons as to why I was the way I am now. I am ashamed at what I’ve done and the damage I have caused and to know I can’t change the past makes me work that much harder to be a better person. I told him my dirty little secret and whilst it isn’t much to you, it means a hell of a lot to me and our relationship, that even as hard as it is, I trust him, I trust him with my heart, the one that he’s trying to heal and even though the cracks wont disappear altogether, I know he’ll be ready with tape to stick the pieces back together again.