I Want to Hold You, for Now and Forever

Jim Morrison:

“People are afraid of themselves, of their own reality; their feelings most of all. People talk about how great love is, but that's bullshit. Love hurts. Feelings are disturbing. People are taught that pain is evil and dangerous. How can they deal with love if they're afraid to feel? Pain is meant to wake us up. People try to hide their pain. But they're wrong. Pain is something to carry, like a radio. You feel your strength in the experience of pain. It's all in how you carry it. That's what matters. Pain is a feeling. Your feelings are a part of you. Your own reality. If you feel ashamed of them, and hide them, you're letting society destroy your reality. You should stand up for your right to feel your pain.”

Here I was standing at the top of a cliff overlooking the valleys and scenery that deceived Orange County. It showed beauty but it was hiding the troubles and fakery that lurked in the shadows, it lied and I hated it. I hated that as it was exactly how I was feeling about myself. I lied to him about myself, I showed confidence, humour and tried to hide my flaws when in fact all I was, was a scared little girl hiding away from reality, a reality that she was too scared to face in case she couldn’t break free from the clutch that it had on her. I can’t escape from the fears that are tying me down.

The salted tears were steadily flowing down my cheeks as I sat trying to make sense out of what happened and how selfish I had been. The rustling of leaves and the snapping of twigs broke me out of the trance I was in and I jumped, looking around the dark forest that surrounded me, I saw a tall dark figure hiding in the trees, slowly making themselves known

“I knew you’d be here”

“Don’t do that, you gave me a heart attack” I exhaled deeply

“How do you think I felt when you sped off” Brian glared at me “That wasn’t fair”

“I know” I replied quietly

“Why did you leave then when you could have stayed and spoken to me about it?”

“I don’t know”

“For fucks sake Chloe, talk to me” he was frustrated and I could understand why he would be

“I’m scared that I can’t do this that I’ll fail, that I’ll try and try but nothing good will come of it. I’m scared of doing this on my own but I’m mostly scared that you won’t be around to witness it” I confessed with the tears that glistened my cheeks showing no sign of slowing down. He blew out air before replying

“Why do you think I’m not gonna be around? I’m not gonna let you deal with this on your own”

“When you go on tour Brian, I’ll be alone then. I don’t trust myself with this kind of responsibility”

“You’ll be an amazing mom. I know you will, just stop doubting yourself, it’s causing more damage than it’s worth”

“I can’t help it, I’m just so fucking scared and part of me wants this so bad, I want this with you and no one else but I’m scared to enjoy it in case…”

“In case what?”

“That something happens, something that I can’t control” He wiped the tears that had stained my pale complexion

“Don’t let fear hold you back ‘cause if you do then you’ll regret it for the rest of your life”

“You’re right” I admitted “Just don’t leave me, I can’t do this on my own. I couldn’t do this with anyone but you”

“I won’t, I promise” I couldn’t detect a hint of a lie in neither his eyes nor words. I put my arms around his neck and settled my head in the crook of his neck inhaling his scent; he pulled me on to his lap

“I’m going to be a daddy” he grinned. The excitement couldn’t be covered up in his eyes and I don’t think he’s going to lose that panty-dropping smile for a while

“Yes you are” I smiled tenderly at him “And a damn amazing one at that”

“I can’t wait” he repeatedly pecked me on the lips

“Good ‘cause the ultrasounds in a week”

“The first one?”

“Yeah” I chuckled “I may have ruined one of the biggest moments of your life but I wouldn’t have hid the ultrasound from you”

“You’re just so courteous babe” He laughed at me “Let’s just go home” I nodded and he took me home.

I knew at some point I’m going to have to face the girls but tonight, I just wanted my husband. I knew something was going to stand in my way because as soon as we pulled up, I noticed extra cars in the drive, how the hell did they get in? I thought and I turned to look at Brian who had a shit eating grin on his face, he knew I was in trouble. We walked through the door and I wasn’t wrong because Jen, Dani and Charl were glaring at me as if I was a naughty child and they were my mother scolding me

“Why were we left out?” Jen demanded

“Left out of what?” I asked as if I didn’t know what they were talking about

“The loop” Dani answered

“I don’t know of any loop” I grabbed a beer out of the fridge and everyone stared wide-eyed at me. What do they take me for? Please. I passed it to Brian and I could pick up on a sigh of relief as I grabbed a can of Dr Pepper

“You’re such a bullshitter. Just admit it already” Charl pleaded

“Admit what?” This could go on for hours

“That we’re gonna be uncles” Jimmy grinned

“Uncles?” Brian looked at me with a smirk

“Beci and the boys know, why didn’t you tell us?” Jen whined

“The boys didn’t know until I walked in on them…” I stopped and my eyes went wide

“Walked in on them doing what?” Beci asked curiously and I could see the boys looking at me intently to see whether I would stick up for them

“Each other?” I asked. Dani laughed

“Dirtbag, that wouldn’t fucking surprise me”

“Trying to say we’re gay?” Zacky looked at her

“Maybe” she smiled

“I’m not gay” Johnny said way too quickly

“You’re not?” Charl asked mock surprise “Dammit” we all laughed as Johnny looked at her with an eyebrow raised “I’m joking”

“Just spit it out” Shads laughed

“Okay. Johnny’s gay”

“Fuck off” he growled jokingly

“That’s nothing new. We want to hear you say it” Dani said and by this point I could tell Brian wanted me to say it already

“Fine” I huffed “I’m pregnant” the girls squealed and group hugged me

“We’re so happy for you Chlomo”

“I can fucking tell Jenbadadad, your cutting off my air supply”

“We’re gonna have a little Dirtbag!” Dani announced

“Why is everything a dirtbag with you?” Charl looked at her

“Because it fucking is dirtbag” We all laughed at them.

We all sat and talked about the new edition that’ll be here in 7 months time, the first Avenged baby. Scary thought huh? At around 2 am everyone left and I could finally sleep. The scariest task yet to come is telling Brian’s parents. When Brian woke me I felt as though my head had just hit the pillow and as I looked at the clock, I was proven right, I’ve been asleep not even an hour

“What are you waking me for?” I asked in a croaky whine

“This” was all he said as he half laid on me and started kissing me gently whilst occasionally nipping at my lower lip

“You woke me for sex?” I questioned

“Yup” he replied before taking to kissing my neck

“Brian” I whined before he nipped at the sensitive spot on my neck below my ear “Never mind, carry on”

“I thought you’d agree” His hands slowly slipped under my vest top, caressing my skin before completely removing the top. He moved his lips back up to mine as I started pulling on his lower lip, nibbling on it before moving my attention to his ear; my brain was clouded with desire and want. All I wanted was him in me. I moaned as his fingers played with my nipples

“Stop teasing” I moaned

“And take the fun away?” he said, his breath tickling my skin and I trembled at the actions

“I want you now” I started playing with the rim of his boxers before pulling them down, his grin shone wide in the dark

“Your wish is my command” he replied before ripping my shorts off and took me by surprise as he quickly thrust into me, I gasped before I started grinding against him throwing my head back in pleasure, his breathing quickened as he continued to kiss along my collarbone. In between moaning his name and for him to be harder, I felt the electricity building in my body, he started thrusting as hard as he could, the electricity rising with each movement then I felt an explosion release pleasure throughout my body, not long after I was joined by Brian. His sweaty body collapsed on mine and he moved hair away from my face

“Glad I woke you up?” he panted trying to catch his breath

“If that happens every time you wake me then yes” I grinned leaning up to him, kissing him. His hand went back down to my stomach

“I can’t believe I’m gonna be a dad” I’ve never seen him smile the way he did, with such pride and love. I kissed his forehead

“Well believe it because in no time your gonna be knee deep in diapers”

“So are you”

“Nuh huh, you’re on diaper changing duty. End of” I laughed

“Yeah Yeah” He went underneath the sheets and kissed my stomach making me giggle as his stubble tickled me

“Okay Daddy, time for bed. Me tired” I pouted

“Call me that again” he beamed

“What?”

“Call me that again”

“Daddy?” I asked

“Mmm yeah”

“Pervert” I laughed

“You’ve never complained before” he kissed along my jaw line

“And I don’t think I ever will, Daddy” I winked. Time for round two