I Want to Hold You, for Now and Forever

Havelock Ellis:

“The absence of flaw in beauty is itself a flaw.”

I was in a bad mood. My last lecture took the piss, I was constantly picked on and I found that with some of them and I don’t know why. When I was younger, being picked on made me sad and upset but now that I’m older it pissed me off and made me angry as hell.

I walked up to my apartment door and heard laughter. That pissed me off even more, why should they be so damn happy when I’m miserable? They shouldn’t, I guess that’s selfish but sometimes I just want people to know how I’m feeling without having to say it. I put my key in the door and opened it, everybody looked at me as I threw my bag into my room; if I spoke, then I would make my damned hardest to make sure they were just as miserable as me. I slammed my door, lying on my bed. ‘I need to calm down’ I kept chanting to myself, I was brought out of my thoughts as I heard my door open

“You ok?” Dani asked

“Yeah just fuck off” I hated taking my anger out on my girls but sometimes I couldn’t help it

“What the fuck did I do?” she questioned

“This is the last time I’m nice about it. Just fuck off” I said. I wasn’t even looking at her, I didn’t need too. She just huffed and slammed my door.

Maybe I’m lying; I knew it wasn’t just my lecture that pissed me off.

Dani’s pov

“Fucking bitch” I said aloud as I walked to sit back down

“What?” Zacky looked at me confused

“She’s in a foul ass mood, that’s what”

“Why?” Jen questioned

“She told me to fuck off, so how would I know?” I looked at Jen for answers to the questions that were filling my head

“Maybe she had a bad day” Syn was trying to be reasonable

“No she didn’t, she was really happy when she left us” Beci countered

“Oh. Maybe I should see what’s up?” He was trying and I give him that but she’s not reasonable when she’s mad and certainly not nice. She’s not the same girl we love and adore when she’s angry and even I could tell she was beyond pissed even though she wasn’t looking at me

“That’s no use babe” Charl gently smiled “You’ll get the shit end of the stick. Leave her for a while”

“You sure?” he questioned

“Yeah” Jen answered “It’s better for all of us. Trust me” she left it at that as she snuggled even more into Rev. What happened? This is gonna be bad.

Normal pov

I was thirsty and I needed my laptop; both of which, were outside my room. Eurgh! I could deal without a drink but I needed my laptop to do work yet I know I can’t deal with them looking at me if I went out there to retrieve it. After 5 more minutes debating whether I should go out there, I decided I should really go get my laptop ‘cause I need to do this work and well, my mouth was dry.

I took a deep breath as I opened the door, walking quickly but not too quickly that I looked like I was desperate to get back in my room, even though I was, and I could feel their eyes on me. I don’t know why but it pissed me off even more. I grabbed a drink and my laptop before retreating to my room, I could still feel their eyes on me and before I closed my door, I looked at them and said

“Take a picture. It fucking lasts longer” all with a scowl. Now if I didn’t love or even liked these people, I would have been pleased with my bitchiness but I was annoyed at myself for being a dick.

Why am I taking it out on them? It wasn’t their fault, it was his! Why did I fall for him? Why did I let him use me? Tears started to well in my eyes as I thought about what he did to me. It wasn’t like the typical, pity me story where he forced himself on me or anything but it was a case of falling for the wrong guy and it burned me… Big time. Brian deserves better than me, way better.

Matt’s pov

“What the fuck?” I was confused

Beci just sighed, I think she knew what it was about but I weren’t quite sure. How could Chloe’s mood change that quickly in a couple of hours, they said she was happy when they left. Real happy.

“What’s wrong with her?” Zacky kind of frowned. He was really fond of her, to the point where he wanted to spend most of his time with her and not in that kind of way. They were so alike it was unreal.

“Don’t worry about it Vengeance. PMS” Johnny laughed. Some of us joined in but Jen looked worried

“What’s wrong?” Charl asked her

“You don’t think... No never mind” she changed her mind half way through the sentence

“Are you thinking what I’m thinking?” Dani asked as Charl and Beci nodded looking at Jen. Some kind of code I think

“I think so” Jen’s frowned deepened “You think one of us should go in and see?”

“I will” Beci volunteered. She was brave walking into the Lions den like that. I kissed her before I saw her vanish behind the closed door.

Normal pov

“What’s wrong Babe?” Beci asked me

“Nothing” I mumbled, not taking my stare from my laptop

“I don’t believe you”

“Then don’t fucking believe me” I snapped my head to look at her “I don’t particularly give a shit what you think at this moment in time Bec”

“What the fuck is your problem?!” she half shouted “Why do you always take this shit out on us?!”

“Because I want to be left the fuck alone!” I shouted, keeping my stare on her

“Get over what the fuck ever is going on in your head! No one deserves to be on the receiving end of your bullshit”

“FUCK OFF!” I screamed hysterically as tears were running down my face. she walked out of my room slamming the door. Why do I do this? I’m a fucking idiot.

Beci’s pov

I walked out of her room pissed off yet I was concerned. I just couldn’t understand why she does this. She always takes her problems out on us, why? Because she can’t deal with her own emotions, that’s why. Why can’t she be normal enough to tell us what’s going on before blowing up. I shook my head visibly.

“You okay babe?” Matt asked and I forced a smile. I’ll always be there for Chloe, we’re sisters but sometimes I just don’t want to deal with the anger issues, it consumes a lot of energy

“Yeah, I’m okay”

“So is it what we thought?” Dani asked. I shrugged my shoulders

“Probably, I still know just about as much as you do, that did nothing. She was fucking hysterical” I answered. Charl nodded and It looked like she was thinking about something and was about to talk but decided against it.

“We’ll leave her to it then” Jen said. Good idea, I honestly had no energy as last night was still having its effect on me. Hangover from hell.

“Baby?” I looked at Matt

“Yeah?”

“I’m tired. Wanna come to bed?” I could see the devilish smirk on his face. Pervert. ‘Who was I to complain?’ I thought as we walked to my room

Syn’s pov

Everyone had decided to take a nap as they were still feeling the effects of last night so I was here stuck watching TV. I haven’t heard Chloe type in a while so she could be asleep but I wanted to go in there to see if she was okay but I didn’t know whether I should, I really wanted to see if she was okay. I think I should, I decided before getting up and going into her room. Sure enough, there she was lying under her covers but I don’t think she was asleep. I pulled the covers up and got under to get comfortable, I moved closer to her and put my arm over her waist

“You asleep?”

“If I said yes, I’m guessing you wouldn’t believe me” I could hear her smile throughout the sentence and laughed. She turned around to face me and the smile was still on her face as she looked half asleep, she looked so cute

“Your probably tired of hearing this but are you sure your okay?”

She sighed “I’ve been better” her smile faded

“Wanna talk about it?” I offered. She stroked the side of my face and it looked like her eyes were tracing my features.

“Not just yet, I need to talk to myself about it first”

“Sign of insanity ya know, talking to yourself” she giggled, I loved the sound, it was sweet but had her own signature to it

“Hey! I don’t suffer insanity babe, I enjoy every fucking minute” we both laughed

“You got a lot going on in your head then?” I was prying I know but she nodded anyway “If you don’t want to talk about I understand”

“Can we drop it? I don’t want to upset anymore people just yet” her pale eyes looked sad so I pulled her closer in attempts to relax her. I felt her arms snake around my waist and she sighed in my neck

“I just want you to know that you can tell me anything, no matter how stupid or silly and I won’t judge you. I can just tell how unhappy you are” she eyed me

“I don’t deserve someone like you” and with that she got up. I was confused

“What?”

“Someone like you is too good for someone like me” she said it like it was a wide known fact

“I don’t think so. Wait what do you mean someone like you?” I stated but she profusely nodded her head

“A good for nothing, dirty whore” I could see the tears welling up in her eyes and I got up to get closer but she pulled back before she continued “I think you should go home and find someone that’s good enough for you”

I was stunned.

“Where is this coming from? This isn’t you talking”

“It isn’t? Can’t you see my mouth moving with sounds coming out? Brian, someone like you shouldn’t be with someone like me. It’s not a good mix. I’m not worthy” Why couldn’t she see what I saw?

“Stop being stupid”

“No, I see it clearly. You’d get bored of me. I’m hard work and I’m stubborn, I’m way too independent for someone like you. You’d end up leaving me and I don’t want to get hurt”

“Who says I’d hurt you?” I questioned

“No one but if you didn’t hurt me then I’d definitely hurt you so I’m saving you the trouble of having to leave and insisting you leave” she turned away but I could still see the tears fall. What happened?

“Insisting I leave? What the hell happened today? Beci said you were happy earlier”

“I was until I got a wake up call” any trace of tears had left her face and she was trying to be strong but I saw through the façade

“Wake up call? What the fuck?” I was starting to get agitated. Whoever gave her this ‘wake up call’ obviously was trying to hurt her “So you’re telling me to leave because you think you’re no good for me but don’t you think that is my decision?”

She huffed “Not completely, not when it involves me. I don’t want you Brian, so just leave. Just fucking leave!” she firmly said, slightly shouting the last part

That slapped me. She was lying I could tell but her door opened and there stood Beci, Matt, Zacky, Jen and Charl, they looked disappointed

“No” I said calmly and just as fucking firmly as she did. I’m gonna call her out

“What do you mean no? This isn’t you’re fucking place and if I say leave then you leave”

I laughed “That what you think? You think a few words out of your mouth will make me leave? You obviously don’t know me at all”

“Obviously” she said sarcastically. Okay she got me there, we didn’t know each other all that well but what I did know, I loved.

“What the fuck am I missing? What aren’t you fucking telling me? How the fuck do you think it’s fair to me to make up your mind about something and leave me hanging like a fucking dick” I half shouted, which surprised her “I have no idea what fucked you up in the head but are you so blind to the fact that I’m trying my damn hardest to get to know you? Quit cold shouldering me!”

“Fucked in the head?” she repeated. She just froze, biting her lip before looking at me again “Just leave Brian” she whispered and gently pushing me away, I could feel her lack of energy in it. It felt like she’d given up

“No, I’m not giving up”

“Well I do” Her gaze was glazed over “I’m too tired of this kind of bullshit” she turned her back

“You brought this” I started pointing to her and me “Bullshit on yourself”

“Excuse me?” she turned around

“You heard! You’re starting this bullshit with me 'cause you’re fucking afraid of losing control, you’re scared of freedom in its entirety but most importantly you’re scared of yourself. Ever stopped to think of how I feel? What could happen to me if this falls apart? About my reputation?” shit, I mentally kicked myself. Why did I say reputation? Fucking idiot. I could hear Shads mutter ‘oh shit’ behind me

“Reputation? Is that all you care about? How you fucking look at the end of it?That Synyster fucking Gates comes out looking all fucking perfect”

“I didn’t mean it like that” I tried to reason

“How did you mean it then?” Okay now I’m stumped, how do I turn this around? Should I start praying now? ‘Cause I fucking would to take that shit back

“I don’t know it came out. I just meant that you’re only thinking about yourself not about how this shit could affect me” I calmed my voice down

“Don’t you think this is why I’m doing it? Because of you” Face scrunched up? Check, Confused? Check, Could she tell I was confused? Check. She sighed “If this gets too deep and what I’m giving isn’t enough for you then where does it leave us?; I’m not a fan girl Brian, I’d follow you to the ends of the earth, yes but there’s only so much you can give someone”

“No there isn’t, you’re the one putting boundaries on this. No one else is, you’re the only one that wants to walk away and not work hard on this, not me”

“Thank God, Brian, your starting to get it” Jen slightly laughed along with the others

“What?” Confusion back? Check

“Jen thinks if you call me out on this bullshit that I’ll realized how stupid I’m being” Chloe said with a roll of her eyes

“Bingo!” Charl piped up

“You guys need to leave” I said turning and facing them. They nodded and left. “You need to trust me” I told her

“I can’t”

“Why?”

“If I trust you then I’m setting you up to hurt me like others have done” she looked up at me, the anger gone but sadness remained

“I’m not them so please stop comparing me to them. I’m different and your not even giving yourself a chance to find out how fucking amazing this could be” I sounded like a girl but at this point and for some odd reason, I didn’t want to give up and go home, for the first time apart from my career I was willing to fight for something. She looked like she was thinking it over

“Your right and that takes me a lot to say ‘cause I hate telling people they’re right” she admitted with a slight smirk.

“What happened?” I’ve had enough bullshit, it’s tired me out. I want to get to the bottom of this so I can tell her how stupid she’s being.

“Ok then” she said sitting down and patting the space next to her so I followed suit “I ran into an ex today, well, the last ex to be precise. He was so quick to tell me how much of a whore I was and how I’m a lower being than himself; it just put me right back into the place where he left me when we broke up. Angry, bitter, upset, hurt and unconfident. I hate what he did to me. He beat me down, he wore me down in every kind of way and I know it wasn’t fair and that no one should have to have gone through the shit I have but It was just a simple case of choosing the wrong guy, I guess and I suppose that’s why I’m scared now because I don’t want my gut instinct and my heart to be wrong about you” What a prick. I’m no saint, I know but I’d never reduce a girl to nothing because I couldn’t call her mine anymore; it wouldn’t be fair

“I’ve been hurt too, ya know, but you get through and you learn from your mistakes, not close yourself up to end up alone” She nodded as if she understood

“Will you help me?” she looked at me directly in the eyes. At that moment, I would have done anything for her

“Yeah” I smiled. I stuck my hand out “Deal”

“I think I could do one better than that” She smirked before pulling me into sweet, gentle kiss, the kind you could forget where you were.

This was going to be hard but for the first time she opened up to me, it didn’t matter how small or big the situation was; it was the fact that she trusted me enough to let me finally see into her heart and a part of the reason she was so closed up. Something inside says that we’ll be ok, things will get hard but that’s a certainty. Whoever said Marriage isn’t easy wasn’t lying but what they failed to mention was that being married to someone you don’t know but love anyway, was harder.