My Conscience Called in Sick Again
A Lost Call To Nowhere At All
I decided something three days ago. And today, February the 14th, I am going to do something that I don’t understand I never had thought about before.
So easy, so simple.
That is the reason I have spent two whole days in front of the computer. That’s the reason to why I am smiling for the first time in I don’t know how long.
I went to my mother those three days ago, I told her that I love her and that she doesn’t have to worry about me anymore. Because from now on everything is going to be so much better then it have been.
And yesterday, just before I sat down in front of the computer, I went to Keith. I told him that I am so thankful for everything he has done to me during these five years.
Both mum and Keith looked happy. They understand that I finally had got out from the desperation. But it’s just one thing that I didn’t tell them. I didn’t tell them the reason to why I smiled for the first time in five years.
I got a gun lying next to me. But the words to tell what I gonna do is just too hard to write. I have tried so many times, but I just erase it. It won’t come out right.
I want to tell Lee one more time that I love him before I do this, but I am too afraid. I’m afraid that he maybe will look at me with disgust after what happened at my apartment for five years ago.
One more try: I have a gun lying next to me. It is waiting for me too pull the trigger. It’s waiting for me to put it against the side of my head and… shoot. It’s waiting for me to shoot myself.
Already now memories are flying back. Ever since me and Keith were kids and played in our garden. To when we was teenagers and talked about boyfriends and girlfriends, Keith never had a problem with my sexuality. When we talked it was almost always how we wanted the future to look. We never imagined it to be like this.
We were both supposed to be happy. Happy, married and have kids. That will never happen for me.
But in one last try to do right. The one whoever finds this papers, would you please give it to Lawrence Sanford?
If he wants to read it.
The note in the back too, and the ring on top of all the papers, which probably will have been the first you saw.
The ring I got from my father just before he died so that I could propose to Lee. I had talked about it for so long time, I was ready. But the same day I invited him over to do it was also the day it ended between us.
I never got to fulfil my dream.
I just had to get all of this out of me and I’m sorry if it didn’t made any sence, but I just wanted Lee to know that I still love him and are so sorry for what I’ve done to him.
This past five years I have been giving both my mum, dad and Keith so many promises. I never kept them. But this time I will.
I promise you, Lee, that I will shoot myself for you.
I always kept my promises to you my love and I always will.
The End.
- Kevin Andrew Rush.
14/2 2006
So easy, so simple.
That is the reason I have spent two whole days in front of the computer. That’s the reason to why I am smiling for the first time in I don’t know how long.
I went to my mother those three days ago, I told her that I love her and that she doesn’t have to worry about me anymore. Because from now on everything is going to be so much better then it have been.
And yesterday, just before I sat down in front of the computer, I went to Keith. I told him that I am so thankful for everything he has done to me during these five years.
Both mum and Keith looked happy. They understand that I finally had got out from the desperation. But it’s just one thing that I didn’t tell them. I didn’t tell them the reason to why I smiled for the first time in five years.
I got a gun lying next to me. But the words to tell what I gonna do is just too hard to write. I have tried so many times, but I just erase it. It won’t come out right.
I want to tell Lee one more time that I love him before I do this, but I am too afraid. I’m afraid that he maybe will look at me with disgust after what happened at my apartment for five years ago.
One more try: I have a gun lying next to me. It is waiting for me too pull the trigger. It’s waiting for me to put it against the side of my head and… shoot. It’s waiting for me to shoot myself.
Already now memories are flying back. Ever since me and Keith were kids and played in our garden. To when we was teenagers and talked about boyfriends and girlfriends, Keith never had a problem with my sexuality. When we talked it was almost always how we wanted the future to look. We never imagined it to be like this.
We were both supposed to be happy. Happy, married and have kids. That will never happen for me.
But in one last try to do right. The one whoever finds this papers, would you please give it to Lawrence Sanford?
If he wants to read it.
The note in the back too, and the ring on top of all the papers, which probably will have been the first you saw.
The ring I got from my father just before he died so that I could propose to Lee. I had talked about it for so long time, I was ready. But the same day I invited him over to do it was also the day it ended between us.
I never got to fulfil my dream.
I just had to get all of this out of me and I’m sorry if it didn’t made any sence, but I just wanted Lee to know that I still love him and are so sorry for what I’ve done to him.
This past five years I have been giving both my mum, dad and Keith so many promises. I never kept them. But this time I will.
I promise you, Lee, that I will shoot myself for you.
I always kept my promises to you my love and I always will.
The End.
- Kevin Andrew Rush.
14/2 2006