Elle.

The days after finding out the truth of everything I ever wanted to know apparently I began to act lifeless. It was hard not to be awkward around Ryan and I honestly wasn’t sure why I didn’t bring up all the information Reni told me.

“Elle, are you okay?” Ryan asked during dinner one night after school. Since coming to terms with the fact he was sick I wanted to make him healthy meals, tonight was whole wheat pasta.

When I looked up at him it was hard to hide my tears for much longer. “I’m fine, Ry.”

He dropped his fork and picked up the napkin from his lap and threw in on the table next to his plate. “No, you’re not. Tell me what is wrong right now. Is it that punk, Jude?! I knew he would cause trouble.” Ryan scooted his chair away from the table ready to cause my boyfriend pain, the only person who had been helping me get through this.

“No Ryan! It isn’t Jude, okay? I just don’t want you to-“ My voice caught in my throat and my mouth fell open as he stared back at me.

Ryan sat back down in a huff. “You don’t want me to what, Elle?” Ryan smoothed the napkin back into his lap and picked up his fork intent on eating. Apparently since it didn’t involve Jude he wasn’t that concerned.

I debated how the situation would play out if I told the truth or lied and before I came to a real conclusion I whispered, “Die.”

I didn’t look up from my plate of barely eaten food but I knew his eyes were burning holes into me. “Excuse me?” His tone was flat and honestly sounded dead.

“I know that you’re…sick. Reni told me.” I looked up to see his reaction but instead his face was blank and that was worse than him being mad. “I’m sorry, I know you didn’t what me to find out.”

“What all did she tell you, Elle?” His calm voice seemed to echo in the empty house.

I was scared to answer “Everything.” But I was finally ready for him to tell me things that even Reni didn’t know. Ryan sighed and folded his arms on the table, he closed his worn out eyes and began to speak in a forced monotone sound.

“So, I assume about your mother as well?” I nodded and gulped trying to remove the lump in my throat. “And I assume you have questions about her?” I nodded again and felt my insides twist sickly. “Well, ask away.”

“You mean you’ll finally answer them?” It was his turn to nod and he smiled slightly. “Wow…what was her name?”

“Elizabeth Anne Berg.” I mentally wrote her name down so I could search on the internet since I had a feeling Ryan might leave out a vital detail. “Do you want me to just tell you the story?” I nodded and so he continued.

“After the split,” I could tell Ryan winced just as he did every time it was mentioned “When I moved out to New York I became a carefree-laidback-get drunk every night kind of guy. I wanted to forget all my problems and I did until I met Z. It was like the minute I met her I knew she was special, and not in the cheesy sort of way.” Ryan looked up and smiled. “I knew that if I wanted to keep her I had to change my outlook on life. So, I married her, Elle. It was the first time I had actually felt happy since Brendon. He had already gone and married the first girl he could lay, which I knew he would.” Ryan grimaced. “He was always so over-sensitive about being bi, couldn’t just be open about it.”

“Dad, I know about Bren, I want to know about my mom.” I tried to break through his mini rant and it worked. He smiled and began where he had left off.

“Not long after we were married you came into the picture.” We both smiled though his was sincere and mine was embarrassment. “Those nine months were hard on Z, she hated not being able to tour with her band. You know about The Like, right?”

I nodded and laughed, “Yeah, I even put a few songs on my iPod.”

Ryan grinned and began again. “As soon as she could they left to tour again. You don’t know how much fun I had being a daddy. Even waking up in the middle of the morning to change your diapers.” I blushed again, Ryan and I had never had a conversation like this, and it was nice. Though the story took a turn for the worse which I knew it would. “They took a break for Christmas just before your second birthday. Z decided to drive herself home and surprise us but before she could make it…” Ryan stopped to catch his breath and wipe away a tear. “She slide on a patch of ice and hit the oncoming car on the other side of the road. No one survived.”

The silenced that followed the ending of Ryan’s words suffocated me until I couldn’t take it anymore. “Why had you never told me this before?”

“I thought it would be better if you didn’t know. Save you the heartache, but I was wrong.” I wasn’t sure if I agreed with him on anyone of his theories but at least I knew now. “Hey, I want to show you something.” Ryan scooted back out from the table and grabbed my hand leading me to his room. “I’ve always wanted you to see this and now that you know you can.” He smiled and grabbed a videotape from his bookshelf and popped it into the VCR. I curled up on his bed next to him and waited to see the video.

Once the static cleared away the shaky images of someone walking into a room appeared. On the other side of the door a young woman was laying on a bed sleeping. The person videoing laid a hand on her pregnant belly and rubbed it softly. “Hello Elle.”

I looked up and smiled at Ryan who looked back down with a few stray tears still lingering on his cheeks. We laughed as he wiped them away and someone else spoke on the video.

”Ry, turn off that camera. I’m sleeping.” This was probably the only time I would hear my mother’s voice and it broke my heart. ”Awh, baby. You’re too cute to stop taping.” The camera zoomed in on her stunning face as she smiled and opened her eyes. ”Thank you." The man in the video joked and said, "I meant this little squirt." and rubbed her baby bump again. She scoffed and rolled away from the camera. He chuckled and gently tugged on her shoulder. "Come on, you know you’re much more than cute. You’re beautiful.” She rolled back over with a smile on her face.

There was a lapse in the video and I almost began to protest until the couple reappeared and I calmed down. The camera seemed to be sitting on a bed side table and the only things visible of my mother and father, since they were lying on their backs, were his bent knees and her stomach.

”If you could talk to her, what would you say?” I was shocked at the question Ryan asked, it was like he knew she wouldn’t get to really talk to me. I looked over at my dad but he had long fallen asleep. "I would tell her to always keep her head up and not let anyone bring her down. What would you say to her?" Ryan’s whispered voice was the last thing on the video before it cut off for good. “I would just tell her that I love her.”

I smiled and turned the TV off before pulling the covers on Ryan’s bed over me and falling asleep.