Camisado

School is going to start soon. I have a week left of summer. I only have until August 30th, a Monday. I hate school. Yes, I hate it despite the fact I haven’t even started yet. I hate it because Ryan goes there. I don’t like Ryan. He’s confusing. He’s too much like my old self and too much like my new self. He is stubborn and sarcastic, but at the same time sweet, quiet, and caring. It makes me want to pull my hair out.

I see him around a lot. He’s always over at Brendon’s. I see him playing hockey with them out on the street sometimes. I don’t dare join in, though. Can’t have my pride destroyed again. He lives in the same neighborhood as I do. He’s thirteen houses down from us.

Not that I counted or anything…

But Brendon and Spencer are cool. I met Spencer the day after I played volleyball a Brendon’s house. Yeah, Spencer is nice. He doesn’t say too much, but he’s a cool kid. Brendon and I have become pretty close as well. I think I could call him a friend now. I don’t understand how Spencer and Brendon can tolerate Ryan. He’s so shady. He never talks about his family life, he never invites anyone over, and he always changes the subject when we start to talk about family things. Granted, I would do the same, but Ryan beats me to it. He beats me at everything.

It’s come to a point where we don’t even play games with the guys anymore. If we play a board game or cards, you can guarantee that if Ryan’s playing, I’m not, and vice versa. Maybe he just doesn’t want to get into an argument with me, but I bet he just wants to be a bastard. Under that mask of sweetness and thoughtfulness is an angry bastard. Everyone has one; Ryan is just really good at keeping his hidden.

I wonder if he feels the same way about me? I doubt it. I’m so corrupted and out of my mind, there’s no possible way a sane person like him would think the same way I do. He probably thinks I’m weird. He probably only hangs around me because he feels sorry for me. But I don’t want his sympathy. The day I will want his sympathy is the day I’m dead. I don’t understand how it’s possible to be so attracted to a guy and hate him at the same time.

God, I hate myself.

I’m so fucking confusing, why can’t I make up my mind? I want to like him, but I want to hate him at the same time. I want to bitch slap him while we’re talking sometimes, and other times I want to tackle him for being so wonderful. Again, I want to pull my hair out! If it were up to Ryan I would be bald before my freshman year of college.

Ryan and I have been avoiding conversation for about a week, as well as all unnecessary eye contact. I think we’re making it uncomfortable for Brendon and Spencer. Brendon pulled me aside and asked me about it a couple of days ago…

”Dude! What’s up with you and Ryan?!” Brendon asked as he and I stood in his bedroom, “You two have been acting weird with each other all week.”

I simply shrugged and started to bite my non-existent nails. Brendon crossed his arms and glared lightly at me. I didn’t speak as I removed my fingers from my mouth and soon started to bite my lip instead. Brendon’s face soon softened to a look of plead.

“Come on, Gennabear,” he began, it was quite obvious he was begging because this nickname “Gennabear” was only used when he desperately wanted something. Isn’t interesting that I know him this well despite the fact I’ve only known him for about a week and a half? “Please? I won’t tell anyone! You can trust me!” he insisted. I sighed heavily and soon crossed my own arms as I continued to chew my lip. Should I tell him? Should I pour my feelings out to him? No. I don’t know him well enough yet. So to get him to shut up, I’ll tell him something…

“I don’t like losing…“ my voice was emotionless, “And he…he beats me at everything.” I finished, refusing to look Brendon in the eye so he wouldn’t know that that wasn’t all that ran through my mind when I saw Ryan.

Brendon gave me a strange look.

“Oh…” He trailed off, now looking down uncomfortably himself. The room suddenly became quiet and a very awkward silence fell over the two of us. I think he knew there was more to it. I think he knew there was much more of a internal struggle when it came to the topic of Ryan Ross.

And that was that. I still think that Brendon knows more than he seems to, but I won’t press on the matter. Most people don’t see Brendon as very intelligent, but he definitely has his moments. He knows things that I wouldn’t know if I had studied the subject for years. He’s just super awesome like that.

I want to be friends with Brendon and Spencer. I know I do, I just can’t seem to put that into words. It feels like they want to be my friends as well, but I don’t understand why. Who in their right mind would want to be friends with me?

I’m going over to Brendon’s again today. He says he needs some help with some stuff. He wouldn’t tell me what though. So as I’m walking over to his front door, I’m almost ready to explode from curiosity, another one of my problems. I begged him to tell me what he wanted to talk about, but he wouldn’t say. It’s been bothering me ever since he called this morning. I hope he doesn’t want to talk about Ryan and I again. I really don’t like talking about him. It makes me nervous. Hell, just thinking about him makes me nervous.

Due to my Ryan-related thoughts, I began to start chewing on my lip as I knocked my knuckles against Brendon’s pale yellow door. I waited for a few seconds until the door opened, where the smiling face of Mrs. Urie greeted.

“Why hello there, Genevieve!” I tried not to cringe at the sound of my full name.

“Hi there, Mrs. Urie” I said quietly and less enthusiastically.

“I suppose you’re here to see Brendon then?” She said. I nodded, still chewing on my cracked, chapped lips. “Well come along then, he’s out back,” she said beckoning me in. I reluctantly followed her through the house and out the back door to see Brendon playing basketball with his three older brothers, Sam, Markus, and Matthew. It looked like Brendon was losing. Jumping up, he desperately tried to get the ball away from his older brothers, but being a small, rather scrawny boy it was nearly impossible for him to reach. The three other boys laughed at him, and for a moment I think I felt sorry for someone other than myself, but If I had it didn’t last very long for just moments later Brendon was running over to me with a wide grin on his face.

“Hey there, Genny!” he exclaimed, waving at me. I smiled lightly in return.

“Hey Bren,” I said, waving shyly.

“So, come on! I’ve got loads of stuff we have to talk about!” he said enthusiastically. “I’ll be back to kick your butts later!” he called to his older brothers who were still playing basketball. They scoffed and rolled their eyes, waving Brendon off. With his brothers’ permission, he dragged me away to his room, grabbing two cans of red bull and a bag of chips on the way.
The two of us entered his messy room and sat on his twin bed. He was munching on a chip as we sat in silence for a few moments until he had finished chewing, and drinking. He swallowed and smiled at me. I stifled a laugh as I saw the tiny pieces of food inside his braces. He chuckled as well as he closed his mouth and tried to lick away the pieces.

“Sorry,” I apologized, “Please go on,” I said to him.

“Well, I have some news,” he started

“News?” I asked.

“News.”

“What type of news?” I asked, expecting a reply that would be either “good news” or “bad news”, but this is Brendon I’m talking to.

“New news.” He grinned and I rolled my eyes.

No? Really Brendon?

“Anyway, my first news is…drum roll please!” He announced, sticking his index finger in the air. I rolled my eyes again, but with a smile this time and patted my thighs. “I’m getting my braces of next week!” He announced with a grin. I smiled lightly for him.

“That’s great, Bren,” I said with a small smile. “Now you brothers can’t call you metal mouth anymore!“ I said, smiling for him. He nodded vigorously.

“Yes, I’m super excited!” He said smiling. “But there’s some more news, I have to tell you.” I nodded as for him to go on.

“Well in a couple of days, it’s going to be August 30th, and a few days after that it’ll be September 2nd.” I nodded, telling him to continue. “Well, you see, the 30th and 2nd are Ryan” I cringed at his name, “and Spencer’s Birthdays, and I really want to do something cool for them, since they hardly even had birthday parties last year,” I knew what was coming, and I knew I wasn’t going to like it. I raised my eyebrows as if to say, ‘Yeah? And’ “Well, I really want to get them some awesome presents, but I don’t know what Ryan would like. Spencer’s easy to please, and he tells me everything, but Ryan doesn’t say much about himself.”

“I still don’t know what you want from me.” I said, blankly.

“Well, I guess I just want you to see if you can get to know him, maybe he’ll open up to you?” he asked me with a weak innocent smile. I shook my head vigorously, just as he had done before.

“Noo way! Uh-uh, Nope, sorry.” I said, shaking my hands. “You really think he’s gonna open up to me? Of all people!” I scoffed, “You’re out of your mind!”

“Come on, Gen. Pleaseee!?” He begged. He got down on the ground, kneeling with his hands folded, begging me. “Please? Please? PLEASE!” I rolled my eyes.

“Fine! Fine! But you owe me big time, Urie.” I said crossing my arms.

“Yay!” he squealed. “You’re the best Gennabear!” he squealed, wrapping me in a one-sided hug.

“Yeah, yeah, yeah. Whatever.”