You Should Know

Victoria and I are going out of town this weekend.

You all think she’s visiting family, but she’ll be with me.

Please don’t be mad.

We’re only going to a beach house a couple of hours away.

My doctors were skeptical of the distance, but it will probably be my last time away and out of there, so there was no way I was going to let them talk me out of it.

We have a car full of gas and a trunk full of boxes to sort through.

I don’t tell Victoria about how you saw me at the club after your show.

Maybe you might have told her.

I don’t know for sure because she doesn’t bring it up, although she keeps glancing at me as if she has something to say.

I’m sorry.

Please don’t hate me.

I was scared.

I was scared that I’d have to explain everything right then and there, and I wouldn’t have been able to handle it.

I hope you’ll understand someday.

A few hours later, we pull up to the small vacation house with no mention of the show.

We leave our duffel bags in the main room in order to get the more important things from the car.

Are you ready? – is what Victoria asks me next, once we have all the boxes and bags scattered around the floor.

I shake my head no-

I’m not ready to go through all of them yet.

I’m not ready to remember how happy we were.

It feels like that was a different life I used to have.

Or a dream.

Either way, it won’t be the same again.

I miss you.

I wish you knew how much.

We can go to the beach first- is what Victoria suggests.

I quickly agree.

You used to love going to the beach.

I used to love going with you.