Autumn, Bekkah, and Joanne's Adventures

"So, how are you doing, Bekks?" I asked absently.

"Oh, the usual. What about you? How are you doing? I know it's been hard for you since... Liam..." She muttered.

Just the mention of his name made me want to get into a fetal position and cry my heart out. Liam was my ex boyfriend of six years. It ended so abruptly, so quick, that it didn't feel real. My life, my world, gone. Not wanting to worry Bekkah, I pulled a fake smile onto my lips and tried my best to assure her I'm OK, even if I wasn't.

"I'm alright. Really, I am. It's been over two months. I should be over it, right? Anyways, so what's the lowdown on James? Are you two dating?" I asked, trying to change the subject.

"Maybe." She winked. Ah, typical Bekks. Keeping everything vague.

"Awesome. Anyways, you two go on ahead home. I'll be fine." I said.

"You sure you don't want Joanne and I to stay with you? Because we will." Bekkah's eyes seemed concerned about me, but I really needed to be alone.

"No, it's OK." I replied, wanting her to go.

She looked at me reluctantly, but before she exited, Tom came in. Great.

"Are you alright? Do you want me to stay?" He offered.

"No, that would be asking too much. Go ahead and go home. I need my rest." I replied, shutting my eyes.

He left, finally. As did Bekkah, Joanne, Matt and James.

The second they left, that pain in my chest came back. Like I was getting stabbed and getting my heart cut out all at the same time. My eyes were unable to hold back the tears. My tears streamed down my face like rain. Not just sprinkling rain. Thunderstorm rain, and soon the thunder would come... The thunder being my sobs... All those hidden feelings I'd stored inside. All of those nights I didn't sleep because I dreamt of his face... His arms... His voice... His unconditional love... All of that was catching up to me... I was overwhelmed. I needed my iPod. I needed it now... I shuffled through songs, and shook my nano so it could play a random song. It played a song by Bullet For My Valentine. I was praying it was anything but a love song. Waking The Demon, Hand Of Blood, anything.

Heaven's waiting for you
Just close your eyes and say goodbye
Hearing your pulse go on and on and on

I'll live my life in misery
I'd sacrifice this world to hold you
No breath left inside of me
Shattered glass keeps falling

Say goodnight
Just sleep tight
Say goodnight

Great, Say Goodnight, the song I wanted to avoid the most. My tears were blinding me. No matter how bad I wanted to scream and break things, I kept my sobs muffled and my hysterics to a minimum. I shook my iPod again, hoping to listen to a song that has no love involved.

I know I'm not there to hold you
Look up see the sky that I do

You make me
The happiest of men
I am the happiest of men

And if God takes me before you
I just want you to know
I love you

With Eyes Wide Shut by Blessthefall was NOT an improvement. I was so close to throwing my iPod against the wall. But I needed it now more than ever. I shook it again, needing a song about breaking things.

When I see your smile
Tears run down my face I can't replace
And now that I'm strong I have figured out
How this world turns cold and it breaks through my soul
And I know I'll find deep inside me I can be the one

I will never let you fall
I'll stand up with you forever
I'll be there for you through it all
Even if saving you sends me to heaven

It's okay. It's okay. It's okay.
Seasons are changing
And waves are crashing
And stars are falling all for us
Days grow longer and nights grow shorter
I can show you I'll be the one

Your Guardian Angel by Red Jumpsuit Apparatus. That was our song... He was my angel... I told him that when we were fourteen. And called him that throughout the years. Oh, how times were simpler back then... All the way through high school... We were gonna get married, start a family and live happily ever after... Little did I know, Happily Never After doesn't exist... Because of reality...

I finally took the iPod out of my ears and turned on the TV. The first thing I saw was my favorite love movie, P.S I Love You. At least he left her a bunch of messages after he died. Liam didn't leave me anything... Except for me longing for him back in my arms... Although the movie just left me sobbing until no tears were left, I was glad I'd watched it.

After watching the movie, I decided to go to sleep. My eyes were puffy and red. Sleeping would just make me look like a bee stung my eyes, but I didn't care anymore. I squinted my eyes and slowly drifted to sleep.

There I was, back into the backseat of Liam's car. This was a tradition of ours. Every Friday, he would pick me up from home, precisely at 7:45, and we would drive to this secluded part only he and I knew. This very spot was very dear to us. This was where we had lost our virginity to each other. We were sixteen, and we would usually make love in this spot. When we were finished, we would ALWAYS hold each other. This was my favorite part of making love to him. The part when I would just hold him and love him.

"Autumn?" He murmured in my ear. His voice was always so velvety. His voice always sent shivers down my spine.

"Yes?" I murmured back, my arms wrapped around his torso. I knew exactly what he was going to say, I just loved hearing him say it. Those words were just so... Powerful... Breath taking...

]"I love you. I love you so much." He kissed my forehead gently, removing the strands of my hair that were on my face, gazing at my chocolate brown eyes like... Like... I was the most beautiful thing he's ever seen.

"I love you too, Liam. You know that." I would pull him close to me and just stare at him... Those eyes... Those green eyes that were so light they sometimes looked blue. His hair... He loved changing the color of it, but I loved him with black hair. It just suited him. It was always greasy, yet soft, and I loved it...

This was the part when a smile will stretch across his lips and he would gently kiss my lips, eventually letting the kiss deepen. This was the part when he would not only wrap, but lock his arms around me so I wouldn't escape him even if I wanted to. His arms had always made me feel warm and safe... His arms always held me, no matter what. Whether I was scared, stressed, mad, sad, or just because I wanted to be held, Liam was ALWAYS there. I did the same and held him as close to me as possible. It's so funny that I thought our precious moments would never end... That nothing could tear us apart. Well, that all
changed towards the end of senior year. The day after graduation. We were in the process in getting our own apartment. He asked for me to meet him at Starbucks, and I agreed. We needed to talk about our future. He was sitting outside, and he'd ordered my usual caramel macchiato.

]"There's something I need to tell you." He said softly.

"What is it, Liam?" I asked.

"It- It came back..." He whispered, on the verge of tears.

"Honey, what came back?" I asked, worried. Liam wasn't always like this.

"The Leukemia... It came back..." This time, he WAS in tears.

I felt like a boulder was at the peak of my shoulders. I felt his pain, if not worse. Seeing Liam hurt was worse than me hurting. I felt his pain, and I knew what I needed to do. This was the time he needed me the most. I tried not to cry. I tried to be strong for him, but I was vulnerable. My life had changed... I wrapped my arms around him, and I cried with him... I let him cry, and tried to comfort him as best as I could.

"Look... I think it's best if we break up... At least until this blows over..." He suggested.

"Liam, are you crazy? I'm not leaving you... You need me now more than ever." I scooted my chair closer to his and squeezes his hand tightly.

"Autumn... You're starting college... College alone is stressful. This will just stress you out more." He muttered.

"I don't care about that, babe. I'm not leaving your side... You are NOT fighting alone on this. You have me... I will be here every step of the way. I swore to you I would stand by you no matter what, and I meant it... I love you, Liam... And this Leukemia will not make me love you any less..." My voice was shaky as I clutched his hand. My words were very powerful, yes, and I meant every word, every syllable.

We still moved in together and tried to lead a normal life. I took college courses online, though. I wanted to spend every waking moment with Liam. This time, I knew our time was limited, so I was twice as affectionate. Every time we made love, I always said "I love you" at least twice during it. When he fell asleep on my chest, I would just clutch his hair and cry, begging God to keep him alive for me. I tried staying positive, but I knew it was no use. The doctor already said it was terminal. That he only had three months to live. Although I didn't want him to die, I still put a smile on my face. All I wanted was to see him happy. Every chemo session, every appointment, I always went. No matter what. Especially when they placed him in hospice. On his last night, he was in the hospital bed, his skin whiter than a corpse and dark circles visible. His lips were white, and I remembered giving him water. I sat in the chair beside him, clutching his hand. I was tired. I hadn't slept since he'd told me the news.

"Can I ask you a favor?" He asked.

"Anything..." I said breathlessly.

"Can you... Lie down in my bed next to me? I'm cold and I really need you right now... I can never sleep right without you by my side..." He murmured, moving so I can have space.

Trying my best not to shed tears, I lay in his hospital bed, which wasn't very comfortable. Although he'd lost a lot of weight and his translucent skin cold, he still felt like Liam. He pulled me to him, my head against his chest, my ear against his heart. Oh, how I will miss this heart... He still made me feel warm when he held me. I immediately wrapped my arms around him, devouring every moment. This was it... My last night with him. I could see him trying so hard to stay awake for me, but it killed me watching him force himself trying to stay awake.

"There's so many things I've wanted to tell you... So many things I've wanted to do for you... So many things I've wanted to show you... That I won't be able to show you... And it hurts..." He said sleepily.

"What hurts, sweetheart?" I tried to ease my body from all my shaking, but I couldn't hold it in... Liam was the one person I could be vulnerable with... And that one person I could always trust.

"It hurts that... We had our whole life planned out... I bought you a ring and everything... I had every intention of marrying you.... Of being with you and you only forever and ever... Just when I finally have something to live for... Just when I'd found you... My whole world... I have to die... Do you have any idea how hard it is to leave you? That's what hurts the most... I can't be away from you..." He was crying as he was rubbing my left hand, the same hand that was on the left side of his heart. He was rubbing the gold seven caret ring with a beautiful topaz stone in the middle. He gave me that ring when we were thirteen, and I've never taken it off since then...

"I know... It does hurt... But we won't be separated forever. I'm going to die someday, and if you want, I can die as soon as you do. Liam, just say the word and I will kill myself so we can be together... If you're scared of dying alone I will die with you..." I whispered, because I knew I would end up sobbing.

"No... Don't say that, Autumn... I would feel awful knowing you took your own life because I'm a pussy and don't want to die alone... And you're better than that, and you have so much to live for... Don't throw your life away..." He said, stroking my hair.

"Liam, you're not a pussy. You're the bravest person I know. And I can't tell you how honored I am to have been your girlfriend of six years... Because you're the only thing in this world that's perfect..." I murmured, hugging him tightly as my tears stained his shirt.

"If anyone is perfect, it's you... You're way too good for me... Yet you treat me as if I'm gold... You're beautiful, smart, kind, funny, intriguing and then some... Six years and you've never ceased to amaze me... And I know you'll make any other guy just as happy..." He said softly, tears streaming down his face.

"Baby, I don't want anyone else. I want you and you only. You're the moon in my night, the sun in my day... I'll never find anyone else as amazing as you... And I won't bother looking... Nobody can even compare to half of you... I will wait for you, as long as it takes..." I cried. It was so surreal to me. His heart beat was the only reason I was sane. His voice was the only reason I was in a decent state of mind.

He ran his fingers along my cheek and wiped my every tear. The room was silent for a few moments. All I wanted to do was hold him and listen to his heartbeat. My tears were so overwhelming that his shirt was wet from my tears. It was at that moment he tiled my chin up to him so I could look at him. My eyes were ugly, but for some reason, he didn't care. He kissed me passionately, so passionately I was taken back from it. This was our last real kiss, and we had to make it last... We had to make it count... The kiss lasted for at least an hour, without stopping. Then, our foreheads were pressed against each other as we tried to catch our breath.

"I love you, Autumn Theresa Rayne..." He said breathlessly.

"I love you too, Liam Rodney Zuniga." I muttered.

I could feel his heart beating against mine... And I felt the beating slow down... It was time...

"Liam, promise me one thing." I whispered.

"Anything." He answered.

"Promise me you'll still be my guardian angel... Even after you die..." I pleaded.

"Of course I will. I'll be watching over you, protecting you as if I'm still here. Although I'm not here physically... I'm here in you..." He breathed.

I saw his eyelids get puffier and puffier... It was his time to go...

"Liam, baby... It's OK. Rest. I know you're tired. Just rest..." I requested.

"Will you be here when I wake up?" He asked.

"Of course. Just let me hold you in my arms..." I held back my sobs and swallowed them.

As he shut his eyes, his heart beat went from normal to slow to almost gone to gone... He died in my arms..... Although I was broken, I fell asleep next to his corpse.

"You might have died from this, but you're still a winner in my eyes. Nothing will change that." I kissed a now dead Liam's forehead and shut my eyes and dreamt of the good times. Of our last moments. And trying to remain positive and prevent myself from getting a razor and slashing my veins in half. Liam wouldn't want that, would he?

I woke up from my dream, feeling numb. It was one in the morning, and there was a queasy feeling inside of me. I ran into the bathroom and threw up my guts. Damn clotted cream. I should've just left it there, but my gluttonous self just LOVES food. Good thing my MED wasn't kicking in yet.