Tell Me It's Not Too Late

The next time I woke up, it was much easier to open my eyes. I was still wrapped tightly in Zach's arms, night was now fully covering the city of St. Paul. I yawned softly, carefully snuggling into Zach's chest more so that I could be closer but not wake him. He snored softly, his chest rising and falling in a steady rhythm that made me want to fall back asleep. But there was just too much on my mind.

What did I know about being a mother? I barely knew anything about life. The only thing I had ever been sure of in my life was that I loved Zach. That would help me through this whole pregnancy, the thought of forever being bound to him. But the doubts were still present. Krissy had done so much to settle them and she did, but they still lingered in the far depths of my mind, shadowing the joy I felt. I was joyful though. So over the moon once I had repeated what the doctor said over and over again, repeating it until I wanted to jump for joy. I had always wanted to be a mom. I wanted to hold my baby, kiss them when they were scared, and nurture them even when they were being a pain. Part of it was because that's how I always thought of a mother being, but also because my mom had never been like that.

I was the youngest of my sister and I. It was hard to come after Chloe. She was blonde, tall, and beautiful, basically a model without a contract. Everyone liked her, she was the perfect resemblance of barbie, heavy on the fake. And I was the dull, brunette sister, the one who would rather get her knees scraped up from roller blading than participate in dance class. My mother never understood me, hell, the only person she understood was my sister because she was exactly like my mother. My mom and I never got along. She was the bitch you saw in movies who always pushed the one child to the side because she wasn't perfect. I was the daughter she never really wanted. But my dad, he was a totally different story.

Him and my mom divorced when I was 10 years old. He got sick of her nagging and the need to be a socialite. He handed her divorce papers one night at dinner and walked out, taking only his laptop and his cellphone. He never paid attention to Chloe who tried to make it all about her. Instead, he took my hand and brought me to an ice cream shop where he told me he was moving away. I begged him to let me come, telling him I'd be a good girl and stay out of his way while he worked and traveled the globe but even at 10 I knew it was useless. He left me with my mom and sister, to basically become Cinderella.

I hated my dad for years after that, letting my mother poison me with her bitterness, fueling my hatred for him. I never had contact with my dad until I was a senior in high school. I had amazing grades, great friends who would do anything for me, but absolutely no home life. I went home after school, enjoying the two hours I had until she came home, stomping into my room to yell at me and tell me how worthless I was to her. The verbal abuse I could handle but I couldn't handle the way she ruined every relationship I had until I met Zach. But the only reason she never ruined that one, was because I didn't give her the opportunity to.

My mother and my sister did, however, know all about me dating the star of the North Dakota hockey team. They giggled about it, telling me they didn't understand why a high class athlete would be interested in me. They told me I wasn't pretty enough or good enough for him. I proved them wrong, of course until Zach dumped me. They had so much fun with that. They laughed and watched me cry, enjoying the pain I was going through. I had never felt so alone in my life. That's when my dad decided to show up. Granted, I thought that was the first time, but my mom kept him away from me, refusing visitation rights and keeping the various cards that I had received on holidays. My dad helped me through the Zach thing along with Krissy and we remain close to this day. But my mom and sister are still the bitches they had always been.

"Abbie? Are you awake?" Zach asked me, his hand rubbing up and down my arm softly. I nodded against his chest, tilting my chin up to look into his sleepy eyes. "How are you feeling?"

"Better," I answered, wiggling up so that our faces were at the same level. Zach pressed our lips together softly, his tongue trailing over me bottom lip. A soft murmur of approval escaped my lips as his hand came to my chin, pulling my face closer to his. We slowly pulled away from a kiss that expressed so many emotions. Pain, happiness, excitement, but most of all love. Zach's lips caressed mine in the most loving way possible.

"I love you." He whispered softly, his eyes closing as he rested his forehead against mine. I smiled softly, feeling okay for the first time since I left New Jersey the last time. Zach pressed me to his chest, his hands sliding down my body and across my stomach, lacing them together and resting them softly against my skin.

"I love you too. When can I go home?" I murmured into his neck, my lips pressing against his pulse.

"Soon. They're going to come check you out in a bit, see how you and the baby are doing."

"Can it even be called a baby yet?" I asked, knowing that the baby would be very small.

"Yes, it's living. It's a baby." He insisted, his hands pressing a little bit more into my skin. I giggled at the light pressure, his fingers tickling me while I squirmed.

"Stop.." I whined to Zach, smiling at him. "The baby doesn't like it." I smirked at him, watching as he rolled his eyes.

"I'm going to be hearing that a lot aren't I?"

"Well duh. I mean, if I'm going to get fat and have mood swings all the time, obviously I'm going to swing it to my advantage."

"You would have to live in the same state as me then," Zach pointed out. I didn't respond right away, my smiling dripping from my face, replaced with a deep frown. The biggest problem of our whole relationship had been the distance. And now, here I was, pregnant but still living in Minnesota. I knew where this conversation was about to go. He was going to ask me to move to New Jersey with him.

"Zach, I don't want to leave here. Minnesota has always been my home, besides when I went to school in North Dakota. But my job is here, my friends are here, my life is here." I whispered to him, biting my lip at the conflict that was brewing.

"Abbie, you can't stay here. I can't help you with the baby if you're here. I need you in the house with me so that I can watch you and make sure you're taking care of yourself." He insisted.

"But everything I have is here, I have nothing in New Jersey." The second that came out of my mouth, I regretted it. Zach's eyes squinted and his grip on my hips was dangerously hard.

"I'm in New Jersey. Why isn't that enough?" He asked, a bit of a snap to his voice along with an undertone of defense.

"That's not what I meant, it came out wrong. What I meant is that, leaving here would be really hard for me." I ran a hand through his hair, trying to soften the hard look on his face. He leaned into my touch before dropping his head on my shoulder and kissing it softly through the hospital gown.

"Then what are we supposed to do? You can get a new job in New Jersey. We can get a new house if you want. What do I need to give you to convince you to come?" He wondered, his eyes searching mine frantically.

"Zach it's not about that. It's just, this is my home, and can you just respect that I'm not ready to leave?" I asked, closing my eyes and hating how selfish I sounded. But everything was changing so fast. My whole life was turned upside down in one night and now I was expecting a baby and Zach was trying to get me to leave the one place that had always comforted me.

"But you'll come eventually right? You won't stay here with the baby?" He nervously fidgeted with my fingers, his brown eyes cautiously meeting mine.

"No, I mean, giving me a month. I want to tie up some stuff here, including my job and put the apartment up for sale. But I also just want some more time to reflect before everything changes."

Zach's whole face lit up like a Christmas tree as he pulled me tightly against him again. "That makes me happy. And if a month passes and you still need a little more time, take it. I don't want to rush you."

"Thanks Zach. I need you with me on this. I'm scared out of my mind but if I have you, I know I'll be okay. But, I um, kind of wanted to have the baby here. I mean, were both from here and it would mean a lot if I could be here before and after just because home is so comforting to me," I whispered.

Zach chuckled softly, kissing my temple. "Baby, of course you can have the baby here. Haven't you done the math? The baby will be born in August," he smiled down at me. "We would still be here."

"I guess I haven't though of that yet. I've been so caught up in the moment," I murmured softly, leaning my head against his shoulder again and closing my eyes. I didn't mean to drift back to sleep but it was like my body just could not stay awake. I was exhausted from the hectic events and from what I'd heard, being pregnant wares you down also. Zach woke me up when the doctor came in, ready to check on me and the baby.

"Hello Abbie, how are you feeling?" Doctor Marshall asked me, scribbling against his clipboard as he glanced at the machines hooked up to my heart and the baby's.

"I'm alright, tired, but still alive I guess," I murmured to him, glancing to my left where Zach sat in the chair, no longer laying next to me. I gave him a slight pout and he rolled his eyes, grabbing my hand and squeezing it.

"That's normal. So the blood transfusion worked well, the oxygen level, the iron count, and your hemoglobin is all back to normal which is a very good thing. The baby's heartbeat is still strong, and it looks to be doing just fine. But like I already told Zach, this doesn't mean there can't be future problems."

"What future problems?" I asked, biting my lip at his sigh.

"Well, the baby certainly does have a higher risk for being premature. Also, the loss of blood might effect you during labor and could spark you to start hemorrhaging again. But there is no need to panic, from the looks of it you're well on the road to recovery and now it's time to focus on a healthy pregnancy."

"So then how do we do that?" Zach asked, his lips pressing against my cheek and making the worry that was lodged in my chest disappear. Zach was here, I'm okay.

"Well we start off by having Abbie take prenatal vitamins since the baby is taking so much nutrients out of her body and taking it for it's self. Second, obviously you know you can't drink or smoke. Not even one, it is way too dangerous for the development. And third, you'll need to schedule monthly visits to come and see me." He smiled at the end, giving me a sense of encouragement. "Do you have any other questions?"

"Not at the moment," I told him, looking at Zach who nodded to me.

"Alright well, let me go get your papers and then sign off for you to go home," he told me, exiting the room as I sighed loudly.

"I'm so ready to go home," I whispered to Zach, turning my head to my left and looking at him. His fingers gently brushed across my face, threading through my hair.

"Can I take you to my house?" he asked me, my ears perking up at that.

"What?"

"I have a house here honey," he chuckled softly. "It's in Bloomington sort of by my parents but in a more secluded place. I think you'll like it, and it would make me happy if you would live there."

"Why haven't I heard about it before?" I asked him to which he shrugged.

"I was going to sell it and go house hunting with you. Find your dream home here and in Jersey." He brushed his lips against the back of my hand that was still intertwined with his.

"Why is everything always about me?" I whispered, grabbing his face with my hands and holding his forehead against mine.

"Because you're all that matters." He kissed my nose softly and then got up from his chair, noticing the doctor in the doorway, ready for Zach to sign off on the papers. I ran a hand over my face and grabbed the bag of clothes that was next to Zach's chair. I pulled it up, opening it to find that a change of clothes was inside for me. I smiled up at Zach who was watching me after flipping through the papers. He walked out of the room with the doctor, shutting the door behind him so I could have some privacy.

I tugged the hospital gown off quickly, slipping on the sweats and my Parise shirt that just so happened to be in there. I rolled my eyes, slipping on Zach's North Dakota sweatshirt before putting a pair of socks on my feet. I sighed and pulled on the Uggs that were next to my bed, piling my hair on the top of my head. I had no make up on, my hair was greasy, and I was a total scrub, it was a wonder Zach found me so attractive. Plus I was still pale from the episode the previous night. I glanced around the hospital room making sure I wasn't going to leave anything behind after I put the clothes I came here in. Zach knocked softly on the door as I walked to the window, calling to him to come in.

I wrapped my arms around myself, looking out the window at downtown St. Paul, the city bustling below as everyone headed to work or out and about to run errands. The city was full of life, something I wish I felt. This was supposed to be a happy time of my life but all I felt was a heavy cloud of worry and fear, covering the sun of my happiness. Zach came behind me, his hands dropping on my shoulders in an attempt to comfort me but give me space at the same time. I tugged my top lip into my mouth, looking at our reflections in the glass, our eyes meeting briefly before I sighed and walked past him.

"I'm ready," I murmured to him, picking up my bag and my jacket, slipping it on slowly. Zach turned from the window, his eyes locking on mine before I looked down at the ground. He took slow steps towards me, his thumb and pointer finger lifting my chin once again. I cautiously looked back at him, my blue eyes reading his brown ones.

"This isn't going to be easy, I'm not trying to sell you on that. But I need you to trust me, believe in me and in us. We can do this, together. I'm in this 100 percent, don't doubt that."

"Zach, it's just, we aren't married," I groaned out. "We're having a bastard" I gave him a look when he snorted out a laugh.

"Honey, this isn't back in the day when situations like this were frowned on. I have every intention of making you my wife someday, but I know you wouldn't except my proposal if I did it now anyway. Someday though, you'll be the mother of my child and my wife." He murmured, his brown eyes so intense it knocked the wind from my lungs. His hands went to my hips, tugging them to his and crashing his lips on mine. The bad feelings oozed out of my skin with the feel of his lips on my skin. First my lips, then my cheeks, to my neck and along my collar bone, each press of the plump lips to my skin, expressing an I love you. Tears filled my eyes to the brim before spilling down my cheeks and seeping into the green cloth of Zach's sweatshirt. One fell into his hair, the wet feeling bringing Zach's attention to my face.

"Don't cry," He whispered, a soft and delicate smile on his warm face.

"I can't help it. I have no idea what I did to deserve you," I cried to him, my emotions taking a hold of me and bringing me on a ride. I wrapped my arms around his neck, burying my face into his body so he wouldn't look at me while I cried. I was embarrassed that him being so sweet had brought me to tears, my emotions beyond frazzled from the whirlwind couple of days I just had.

"I need you," I mumbled softly against his neck.

"I'm not going anywhere," he assured me, his hands stroking my hair and back. We stood silent in each others arms, not moving or talking, just being because that was all that we needed at the moment, each other and the reassuring touch, that everything would be alright in the end. I pushed out a breath, sending my tears with it as I stepped away from Zach, tenderly wiping under my swollen eyes.

"Let's go home," Zach suggested, lacing our fingers together and taking my bag from me. I nodded and stayed quiet as he lead me from the hospital. I looked down as we walked out to the car, only politely nodding at the nurses who had taken care of me when they acknowledged me. My freehand fluttered over my stomach casually, wondering silently when I would start showing. Zach caught me though, his smug smile telling me he was carefully examining me to make sure I was alright. I hated it when he did that, but at the same time, I loved that he cared enough to pay attention to my little movements.

We settled into the car for the 15 minute trip to Zach's supposed house. I tried not to let my mouth drop when he pulled into a gated community, all of the houses monstrous compared to the little suburban homes we had been passing on the way here. My eyes greedily took in the landscape as Zach wove through the streets, bringing us to a medium green house with stone pillars and a two car garage. I was taken aback by the beauty of it, wondering how Zach could have time to decorate it while he was away.

"My mom did all of the yard work since she can barely do anything with her and my dad's house anymore," he chuckled softly, shutting the car off at getting out. The house was beautiful, and so not what I expected. I thought he would have a toupee color house, the scenery bland and the inside even blander with stark white walls and brown furniture. But as I walked into the house, I realized I was wrong.

The kitchen was a medium oak, everything bright and glossy as the ceiling lights shone down from above. Some of the cabinets were glass while the others were covered by the same color of wood. The walls were green once again, a much softer and warmer color, while the counter tops were black granite. I marveled at the beauty, turning to Zach with a skeptical look.

"You didn't do all of this?" I told him, my tone suggesting a question.

"No," he chuckled softly, "once again, my mom."

"It's all making sense to me now," I teased him, walking to the living room that looked out across the vast backyard. I went to the window, looking out at the miles of snow that covered the ground, sighing softly as I imagined Mikko running around, his white body blending in nicely with the powdery mess. A little girl ran into the picture, bundled up in her snow gear as she pulled a red sled along with her. She giggled as she tried to tackle the dog into the snow, but he was too quick for her. Zach came next, laughing as he followed his little girl across his backyard, beckoning her to slow down. She refused, only trudging harder through the snow that was almost up to her mid-thigh. Zach rolled his eyes at her, turning towards me and calling out to me, "baby, are you coming?" I gave my head a hard shake and whirled around to where Zach stood at the stairs, waiting for me to come with him.

"Yeah," I breathed out, walking to him and taking his hand.

"You're probably still tired huh?" He asked me as he led me down the hall and into the master bedroom. This time the walls were a deep red, to match the red flowers on the yellow comforter. I snorted out a laugh as Zach wrinkled his nose at the comforter. "It's so girly."

"I like it," I murmured, jumping onto the soft bed, sinking into the pillows as I laid back.

"Then it stays," he smiled down as he climbed on top of me. I grinned up at him, my eyes closing as he pressed a kiss to my lips.

"I'm not tired, but can we just stay here for now?" I asked him. He nodded and rolled over, carefully rolling me onto my side, not letting me switch to my stomach. "That's going to take some getting used to, not laying on my stomach," I giggled, my hand sliding down to caress the baby that wasn't exactly a baby yet. What do they call it, an embryo? I think I remembered that from health class. I sighed at that thought, knowing I had a lot of things to figure out and learn in a span of a couple weeks.

"I don't know anything about being pregnant," I confessed to Zach who laughed. "What? I'm serious."

"I know, but I'm just as clueless as you." We both giggled at that. "We'll learn together."

"I like the sound of that," I told him, softly resting my cheek against his chest. The steady beat of his heart lulled me into my safe place, wedged under his arm where nothing could harm me. I needed Zach to get through this because he was my safe haven. He would protect the baby and I no matter what, he knew where his priorities lied. And now it was time for me to figure that out too. Him and the baby were the most important thing and if that meant I had to give up life as I knew it, then so be it.