Guilty Pleasure About a Girl

Even though the tour was on break and the second leg of it wasn’t starting until three more weeks we only had a week of real vacations.

Marie Ann and I decided to come back home, William came with us, he wanted to meet both of our families. I pretty much begged Gabe to come with us but he refused, he said he had band stuff to do so knowing how much he likes to work I decided not to keep pushing him.

So anyway, we spent the first three days doing stuff with out families, they all fell in love of William and asked me if I didn’t have a boyfriend too but I said I didn’t had anyone in my life because that would only lead me to a million of questions about him and why he wasn’t here with us, besides my parents would stop trusting me.
The following three days felt like heaven.
We rented a beach front apartment for the three of us.
We had so much fun walking by the shore line every morning, swimming in the pool all day and watching the sun set outside.

The beach is one of the things I love the most in the entire world, especially by night.
I remember that whenever we went to the beach to watch the sunset I always walked away from everybody, sat on the sand and enjoyed it by myself.
I love watching the sky’s color change from orange-yellow to dark blue as I hear the waves crash in the shore and rocks and once is dark I love watching the stars.
I always dreamt of having someone to share that kind of moments with.
I wanted to have someone to cuddle with as I looked up at the stars and someone to share my thoughts with and why not? Maybe even share some kisses?

Even though I was having fun I missed Gabriel like crazy.
I texted him lots of times by day but still without smothering him the first few days but he started to reply late so I decided to stop. I knew he was busy and I really didn’t wanted to bother him so I only texted him a few times only to check how he was doing.

On the seventh day of our little vacations we went back home to say goodbye to our family and then flight back to the USA.
The Cobras had booked a secret show in a club in Jersey so we decided to go there and surprise them.

We did some research and found out the hotel they were staying at so Bill and Marie Ann checked in, I didn’t because I was going to stay with Gabe and I told the people in the front desk I wanted to surprise him.

That day was our fourth month anniversary and the following day was a very especial day for me so following Gabe’s advice I decided I was going to help my own dreams come true so when he was gone for the show I sneaked into his room, ordered dozens of pink and red flowers to decorate his room, along with a bunch of purple and black scented candles and to end up I put rose’s petals on the bed. He made me become so chesee I laughed at myself a few times.

I walked around the room to check everything was in order before I left to get dressed up. I decided to wear a dress Gabriel picked for me since this was an especial day.

We went to the club which wasn’t very far from the hotel. We stayed at the bar area so none of the Cobras would see us but when the show was halfway done I went to the backstage area to jump on Gabe as soon as he walked off stage.

“Excuse me!” I looked back to meet a blonde girl, pretty much my height

“yeah?”

“oh, hi” she smiled “you know how to get next to the stage? I’m kind of lost, I’ve been walking through aisles and aisles and I don’t seem to find the right one”

“sure” I smiled back “follow me, I’m heading there too” I said and she followed me

“you like Cobra Starship?” she tried to start a conversation

“I love them” especially the lead singer I thought but that thought didn’t go any further than my mind

“yeah, me too” she smiled

“here we are” I told her once we reached our goal. She clapped and smiled like a crazy lady. I think she REALLY likes them.

“thanks, Doll!” she smiled at me and I had to smile back, she was being too nice not to be nice back to her.

For the last three songs we shared thoughts on the band and a few ones about the lead singer, still I had to keep my mouth shut about me having a relationship with him, especially since she kind of seemed to like him more than she liked the rest of the guys.

They finished their set and when Gabriel was saying “goodbye” to the crowd I hide behind some big amps so he won’t see me.

The seconds felt like hours as approached.
I had my heart made a mess; I was a bit sad because I missed him yet I was happy I was seeing him, I wanted to hug him so badly, I needed to have him closer to me and feel his lips on mine.
I needed him so much it started to hug.

He walked closer and little did I know I was not going to have my fairy tale like evening as I planned.

She received the kiss that was meant to be for me. Those arms who made me feel so safe where now wrapped around her, pressing her against him. She was feeling the heartbeat of the man who made me lost my breath since the first time I saw him. She was breathing his mesmerizing scent.
They walked past me, he didn’t even realize I was there. Her eyes were glowing and he looked content, maybe he needed her and not me. Maybe it just wasn’t meant to be.

I stood there processing what I just saw, I felt like an idiot, I wanted to hit my head against a wall for being so naïve.
I ran out of the club as fast as I could, got a taxi and headed to the hotel but I had to check in for another room since I wasn’t going to sleep with Gabe as I first planned.

Minutes later I found myself in the empty room so I crashed in bed and instinctively got into fetal position with his smile, her glowing face and that kiss into my mind.
My eyes burned, I wanted to cry so badly but I just couldn’t.
Chills running up and down my body as I felt my chest compressing but still tears weren’t emerging from my eyes.
I might had spent a few minutes like that but I wasn’t sure, I was too busy trying to repress my tearless pain. I tried to remember something even more painful than that to put things in balance and see what I was going through right now wasn’t even that much of a big deal as I always do and it worked.

I got kicked down my cloud of sudden numbness by the sound of my phone ringing, I ignored it and went out to the balcony. I found some shelter in a chair as I stared up at the stars. I love how beautiful and unreachable they are. There’s a few who wants to reach for them even when they know that they’re millions and millions and even more millions of miles away from them. As unreachable as they are there’s some people, like myself, who they get caught up by their beauty and somehow get the feeling they can be reached one of this days, even when reaching them would destroy you caused of their burning glow. After all they’re a sun whose flames could destroy as well as create, they can warm you up if you’re far enough but will kill you if you stand too close.
Maybe that was my mistake. I’ve always being known for throwing stones to the moon trying to hit it instead of settling for the frog two feet away from me. Maybe I should start throwing rocks to the frog, even though I love animals, instead of trying to hit the moon with my insignificant stones.

I got distracted from my philosophical moment by a loud female moan so I looked at the balcony next to mine to see who produced that sound.
And immense was my surprise when I met the gaze of the guy making that girl moan that way.
Gabe was wrapping his arms around her lower back, pressing her against him as she sucked on his neck. I almost could smell the alcohol and cigarettes and feel him up through his clothes as I used to just by seeing them.
He lifted her up by her ass and she wrapped her legs around his waist, she moaned like a whore in a porn movie (not that I watch them) and he did too when she started to attack his soft and velvet like neck.
I kind of wanted to laugh at myself right there, I thought that was our move. He used to lift me up that way so he could kiss me because I’m very short compared to him but now I see is all just part of his foreplay.

I couldn’t stop looking at them no matter how hurt I felt like. It was like when someone’s gonna stick a needled through your skin; you know it hurts but still you can’t help but stare and that’s when he looked at me. He looked a bit shocked at first but then he bit his lower lip getting carried away by the feeling of the skin below his ear being kissed. She seems to know his soft spots too which lead me to think is not their first time together.

He whispered something in his ear and put her down, she walked inside the room who was meant to be mine and Gabe’s.
We were finally alone, separated by two fences and a five story fall. I couldn’t read the look on his face and I bet he couldn’t read mine either. I wanted to ask him why, tell him how much of a dick he was but I remained in silence instead until the awkward silence was cut by a “Gabey! Hurry up!”, he looked inside their room and smiled, then his gaze came back to me.

“don’t keep her waiting” I faked a smile

“Ali” he walked closer to the fence so I could hear him better “Ali, I didn’t know you were…”

“did you like the flowers?” I cut him off

“yeah” he looked down at this feet. He had a look I had never seen before, he looked as lovely as ever, I wanted to go there and hug him. “Thank you” he paused and bit on his lip “for everything” those final words made me feel like it was it. He was somehow breaking up with me, in the most coward way but still he was dumping me.

Chills ran up and down my body again, I felt my chest compress again and I looked down at my feet so he wouldn’t see the tears invading my eyes. I nodded and walked inside my room.

I crawled back into the cold bed by myself, ignoring the ringing from my phone.
I always knew this days was coming sooner or later, I just didn’t know when.
I was also aware of the pain I was going to feel when this day finally came since the first time we kissed.
When you get to be with someone that out of your league as Gabe was for me you kinda hope for everything you had to crash down in front of your eyes in the most awful way possible.
Still, I wished for him to break up with me in a less fucked up way than this. A simple “we’re done bitch, I’m getting better pussy somewhere else” or a “get the fuck outta my life!” would had get the job done. Silly me for thinking I deserved better.

Fuck this hotel rooms for not being sound proof enough and having to listen to them as they consume their lust for eachother.

I reminisced the last week touring, the last week we were together. I should have noticed the end approaching when his kisses started to have a bittersweet taste but I just didn’t, I was too blinded by the security his arms gave me.

I gave him all of me for the fast four months; therefore I expected the same treatment back.
I guess he was just giving his body to me and not his heart as I thought.

My eyes started to feel heavy as I kept embracing the darkness and coldness of my room. I soon fell asleep but not for long, my phone kept waking me up but I wasn’t in the mood for replying text messages or answering calls so I slept until what felt like noon.

Thanks to last night’s betrayal I had the whole day to spend alone so I decided to try to snap out of it and get shower, dressed and go down to a restaurant nearby the hotel to get something to eat.

I didn’t even mind bothering the two lovebirds I have as friends ‘cause I knew they were enjoying each other.

I walked a few blocks to the south and an Italian restaurant caught my sight and being the Italian cuisine one of my favorites along with the Oriental and the Mexican one, I decided to get a table for myself.
I ate in silence, my only company was a glass of the most delicious red wine I’ve ever had. I stared through the window at the random people walking. It was cold outside and it showed in the people’s heavy coats and red noses.
I saw this little girl holding hands with her mom as they walked, she fell and started to cry but her mom picked her up and hugged her, then her crying turned to a smile when she got kissed in the forehead by her mom. That made me realize how much I missed my mom. I fell horribly last night, I needed her to pick me up and tell me it was all gonna be ok, I needed to cry my heart out with her as I used to when I was younger so she could comfort me holding me and kissing my forehead.

I asked for the bill before I got too emotional. My phone started to ring for the million time so I decided to finally pay attention to it but I had to put it aside when the waiter came back with my bill. I paid and decided to stay there until I finished my glass of wine.
Then I looked around the people inside the restaurant. There were lots of families eating happily together and a few couples being all lovey dovey but one of them caught my attention.

They were there, of all restaurants in Jersey they had to pick this one.
Unfortunately, just like yesterday, I could help but stare. They were alone in a booth squeezed together even though there was plenty of room in that booth for at least eight people.
Her face was glowing in happiness and she definitely had the “I’m in love” look plastered on her face. He looked very happy as well which hurt me since he never looked that happy with me.
I watched as they kissed, as twisted as it was. He kissed her so slowly and sweetly, thing he never did with me. He seemed to enjoy being with her and not with me.
I felt so stupid; I was drowning my shattered heart in wine and he was there in front of me having the time of his life. I assume he never cared about me, yet loved me.

My phone rang again, this time I read the text message instead of ignoring it.

I shook my head and felt guilty as I read a few of the dozens of texts I had.

I drank the remaining of my wine, the wonderful taste felt bitter as I stood up from my table ready to leave the place.

I received another text when I walked back to the hotel.

“HAPPY BIRTHDAY ALI! LET’S GET WASTED! ;) *Ryland” I read and shook my head.

I thought this birthday was going to be different from the past ones ‘cause this time I thought I had someone who liked me beyond the family or friendly barrier.
All I wanted was for him to be the first one to sing happy birthday to me, I wanted to wake up next to him, I wanted to get a year older securely wrapped into his arms, but most important I wanted to tell him I was in love of him, that I had finally embraced the whole idea of letting someone in and that I trusted him with my life, that no matter how things ended he was one of the most wonderful things in my life and thanking him because he made me believe in love again. I wanted to tell him how happy he made me and how much I loved every single thing he did.

All I wanted for my birthday was to be with my friends but having the man who had made me fall in love so deeply next to me the whole time, to hold my hand.
I wanted to tell him how much I loved him and maybe, just maybe I would finally had an “I love you” back for the first time in my life.

But what else can a girl do but dream?

I day dreamed and half planned the perfect birthday with him only to face the truth in the most cruel way.
I went to the hotel alone, tried to sleep on a cold bed as I heard them fucking, ignored my friends ‘cause I was too busy sinking into misery, woke up alone and thrashed just to have break fast alone as the pathetic human being I am.

The only company I’ve had is the imminent loneliness that was condemned to follow me everywhere.

And there they were; in the warm restaurant, being cute as fuck and acting in love. She enjoyed my presents for him along with our room, she spent the night with him, she woke up next to him and she’s still with him right now as the only physical or sort of birthday hug I’ve had so far is the fucking freezing wind blowing around making me shiver.

She was living my dream