Addicted to Plush Brian Haner JR

Its amazing how pacing will get you no where but allow you to think. Back and forth. Forth and back. I had random music blasting loudly in the back ground. Matt did something that the rest of us couldn't. He opened up. Let me in. To an extent. More than anybody else. I looked out my back doors. Which were wide open. My feet carried me outside. The wind was cool. It was light. I could smell the salt in the air. Cleared the sinuses.

Brian: who could she be? Could be anybody. Anybody indeed.

I never found out. It bothered me.

Brian: he never dances around issues. But he's acting strange. Then he knows. Knows what exactly? About Jenn. Or he's really got his own issues. Hardly, Matt doesn't have issues. He's human, he has issues. Bullshit. The way he spoke. Like he knew the interworkings of my mind.

I sighed and stared out at the beach.

Brian: maybe there is just a bigger picture I am missing.

Zacky: I think you need professional help.

I clamped my eyes shut and shook my head.

Brian: do you ever fucking knock?

I snapped.

Zacky: not when it comes to this quaint little house.

Brian: what the fuck do you want asshole?

Zacky: just came to visit my friend whom I haven't seen since being back from Big Bear.

Brian: there's a reason for that.

I looked at him.

Zacky: shit has it really come to me only needing to walk into your house to annoy you?

I rolled my eyes at his shit filled smirk.

Brian: the thought of you is enough.

The smell of cigarette smoke filled my nostrils. It made my body crave the nicotine.

Zacky: I've been doing some thinking.

Brian: I didn't know you were capable of such mind capacity.

He blew some smoke out before continuing. He held his carton to me and I took one.

Zacky: I am capable.

I lit up the smoke. Instantly my urge to rip his annoying little fucking face off went down.

Zacky: as I was saying. I've been thinking.

Brian: and?

Zacky: I feel like you've been avoiding me.

Brian: you came here to tell me that? Get the fuck out of my house douche sucker.

Zacky: let me finish. You've been avoiding me and I've been trying to come up with a reason why.

Brian: simple. You're annoying as fuck.

Zacky: see that would be the obvious. I mean no one would argue that point with you. Except I hardly ever see you.

Brian: and I like it that way.

Zacky: yes I know.

Brian: ok then, what's the problem?

Zacky: you.

Brian: excuse me?

Zacky: you. You're avoiding me on a whole different level. I've annoyed you and pissed you off before. I know I have. You're one of my bestfriends. I'm just confused as to what I've done or said for you to completely want to shun me and be so fucking hostile.

I frowned.

Zacky: because I don't fucking know. This is where the thinking comes in. You were fine. And I'm not blaming her or anything. In fact I'm happy for you. You've found someone worth the time. You were fine...until you mentioned lunch girl to me. Now I'm not like a doctor or therapist or whatever, I just can't help but think some how that is the reason.

He took a long drag.

Zacky: which brought more thinking. What the fuck is wrong with you man? You are fucking not yourself. No one else says anything because lately everyone is not themselves. Matt. Melly. James. You. What the fuck is going on? Are you all in some secret let's be fucking retarded club? Lunch girl...does she have like some type of hidden grudge towards me? Towards your friends? She control your every move? Your thoughts, what?

Brian: you don't fucking know her.

I snapped. He threw his cigarette on the floor.

Zacky: and that's the fucking problem. No one fucking knows her. No one. You avoid me because of her.

Brian: I avoid you because of this stupid shit you say.

Zacky: why is she a secret? Why does she make you like a fucking hermit?

Angrily I flicked some ashes.

Zacky: how come no body knows her real name?

He let out a sigh.

Zacky: I've been thinking about all this shit. Is she someone I know that I shouldn't? Do I know her? Is she an ex of mine? What? Or do I know something you don't want me to? I'm fucking confused.

He came a few steps towards me. His face was serious.

Zacky: cause its not like...well its not like she's...there's one thing that's been in the back of my mind. All the random little things you do tell us about her. She sounds like...

My ears waited for him to control his drifting thoughts and just get the words out.

Brian: she sounds to good? Or not real? I don't make shit up Zacky. I'm not fucking crazy.

Zacky: no. Its...she...

He took a deep breath.

Zacky: its not Jenn right?

His words were slow and careful. My anger rushed to the surface.

Brian: get the fuck out.

Zacky: Bri.

Brian: Get The Fuck Out. Zack Get The Fuck Out.

Zacky: dude I didn't-

Brian: BAKER. GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY HOUSE.

I kept repeating my loud words all the way to the door. He kept fumbling with his. Now. This scared me. Zacky had not forgotten that encounter at the grocery store. When Jenn had thanked me for lunch. He'd put pieces together. He figured it out. All he was trying to do was help me. All I was doing was trying not to beat him. I slammed the door.

Brian: he knows. Holy shit he knows.

I took a few deep breaths.

Brian: and if he didn't before he does now. FUCK.

I rushed outside and lit another smoke. Many things raced through my mind. What am I going to say? Zacky is my friend. I've never truly been mad at him. He thought I was and I wasn't. He thought he had done something for me to be so mean. I thought back. At Big Bear all I did was snap at him or I was passive aggressive. I shook my head. From inside I heard my phone ringing. I hadn't heard that thing sing out for many days now. My search was quick and easy. I'd left it on the counter. The same place I left it the day Matt came over.

Brian: hello?

Jenn: you piss me off...

I held my breath.

Brian: you aren't the only one.

Jenn: must be something you're good at.

Brian: only recently.

Jenn: sure.

This is new. Her calling me? Its like a dream come true.

Brian: what uh...what are you calling for?

Jenn: you fucking piss me off. That's why I'm calling.

Brian: alright.

Better than nothing.

Jenn: don't you want to know why?

Brian: I'm in no position to ask you anything Jenn.

Jenn: you didn't have a problem before.

Brian: I know.

Jenn: well then.

Brian: I'm trying to be respectful.

Jenn: ha! To late for that.

Brian: as angry as you're trying to sound its not convincing...

Once again the salty breeze met my face. I continued smoking the cigarette I'd lit. Her quiet sigh flooded through the phone.

Jenn: I can't stop thinking about you. You're always calling and when you don't, I can't help but want you to.

I smiled. If I could see myself, I knew that smile would be a wicked one. Not good, not innocent.

Brian: you want me to call you...

Jenn: we're, we're friends Brian.

Brian: we are friends. On my part. Your end is the one that changed.

Jenn: just friends.

Brian: are you trying to convince us both again?

Jenn: just you...

Brian: I'm convinced then.

Jenn: I can't believe I'm doing this...calling a man I know I shouldn't.

There's was that hint of a smile in her tone that I'd missed.

Brian: there's nothing wrong with calling your friend.

Jenn: no. Unless you give me a reason.

Brian: I've none to give.

But I probley will.

Brian: so how about for the sake of...being friends we have lunch.

Jenn: I'm not sure.

Brian: what's wrong with having lunch? We are just friends.

Jenn: nothing is wrong with it. I'm busy.

Brian: I'll bring you lunch.

Jenn: no. I think for the sake of us being friends, we should just wait.

Brian: take it slow. I understand.

As I finished my cigarette I smiled. You have to take it slow with a woman Brian. She's worth the fight and the wait.