Homecoming

Nothing really hits me until a week later. I suppose when I look back on it, I can probably see the subtle changes in Nate when Alex came around. Like how he immediately sat up and smiled and once I caught them holding hands under the table. Some would think this was normal seeing a how they are dating but he’s sitting up a little straighter and smiling a little wider and holding his hand a little tighter.

But, again, I don’t really take notice until a week later.

“Hey guys, Alex and I are dating,” Nate chews a French fry while Ginger chokes on one a table away. I just freeze for a moment, wasting a few seconds thinking about how Ginger could’ve heard his quiet tone from so far away. I’m looking down at my plate with my fork in my hand at first, but then look up slowly toward Nate. He’s looking at me and for a moment this seems a little odd, then I notice our whole table is.

“I’m gay,” Nate clears his throat and turns back to the table, saying.

Ginger moves over to our table with wide eyes at first, but they suddenly droop a little, going sad. She sits on the very edge of Alex’s chair, as he tries to move over as much as possible without falling off. She rests her hand on Alex’s shoulder.

“What?” I cough. It kind of tumbles out of my mouth and I don’t know if I should keep up this surprised act or not.

“Um…congrads?” Hannah says then chuckles, “So that’s what those flowers last week were for. I was wondering. But really, gay guy or not… flowers, Alex, really?”
The bell rings but no one gets up yet.

“I told you gay’s contagious,” Andrew mutters. I look to him, not a glare, but just kind of a put off look.

“Personally I think you two are fucking adorable… now that I think about it,” Hannah says, “Wow.”

“As do I,” Alex smiles, “what about you Connor?”

“Well I wouldn’t exactly say adorable,” I lean back in my chair. Nate and I didn’t discuss this. He wasn’t supposed to do it like this.

“Connor, your insecurity’s showing again,” Nate half whispers, half mutters.

I gape for a moment. “Well congratulations on your new found…gayness,” I shrug. What am I supposed to say? Couldn’t he have given me some forewarning he was going to just come out and say it like this?
“Yeah, I’m not getting into this, but uh- it’s all your preference man, we’re still cool,” Tate says this as Nate opens his mouth, and then grabs his coke before patting Nate on the back.

“Yeah…” Andrew says and catches up to Tate, leaving the cafeteria like everyone else.

“Not really my place either, I suppose,” Hannah smile at Nate and picks up her lunch tray, trashing it before starting to walk away.

“Hey, Hannah!” I call and wait until she slowly turns back to us to glance at Ginger, Nate, and Alex.

“I’m happy for you,” I mutter and stand. I’m not sure if this is a lie or not. I’m selfish. I don’t want to share my best friend with this guy. It was never like that with his other girlfriends, because they were girls, there were certain boundaries and time they just weren’t allowed around. I even come before Ginger. Nate’s going to expect me and Alex to be friends since he’s a guy too.

“So…do you guys want this under wraps for a while, or do you mind everyone knowing?” Hannah asks the boys behind me as I approach her.

“Nah, tell everyone,” I hear Nate says and I sigh.

I’m used to all positive attention on me. Alex is too nice. He’s got this awesome smile that reaches his eyes and cool hair and speaks well. He’s so much…like me. What are the chances that Nate dates someone so much like me?

“So, what are your real thoughts?” Hannah asks as we reach the door, “And I mean the thoughts you had when you first found out, because I know he had to tell you before us.”

“Uh…I don’t remember my exact thoughts. He told me on the phone one night. I hung up on him and went out.”

I was confused when Nate first told me. I couldn’t understand how I hadn’t…seen it or something. How he was my best friend but I didn’t suspect in the least bit that he could be gay. I’m supposed to know everything about him.

“Man…harsh,” she winces as we turn a corner.

“Yeah, yeah.”

“So how do you feel about Alex and Nate?”

No feeling I wanted to tell her about. Not that Hannah isn’t a good friend, she’s not even the judging type, it’s just with the feelings that I’ve been trying to come to terms with for the past week, I’ve been judging myself. They don’t even sound okay in my head. All week I’ve kind of gone back to being Connor. The Connor everyone at school knows me as, the Connor I know me as, just oozing with confidence and charm, even with so many frantic thoughts practically pushing against my skull.

I shrug, “Eh- I can’t say he’s just like another girlfriend really, for obvious reasons, but…it’s the same as if he was.”

Hannah furrows her brows, glancing at me out the corner of her eye. Maybe that didn’t sound good enough, is my façade failing? I stand straighter; make my face harder and more indifferent. I wonder if she notices.

“Oh.” is all she says before we say bye and go our separate ways.

I need more friends. Well I have enough friends, but close friends, Nate kind of friends, only not as close. Someone like Ginger, I think as I open my locker and put up a textbook, grab a notebook.

I close the door but jump and drop the notebook to see Alex leaning against the wall next to my locker. “Dude, what the hell?” I ask as I pick up my notebook. Alex? No. We couldn’t be friends, no matter how weirdly coincidental this meeting is.

He smirks at my jump, but clears it from his face once I stand, “Why do you do stuff like that to him?”

I roll my eyes, “Please, if we’re going to have this talk again, let’s not have it be here.”

I nearly turn to go to class, but then catch the look on Alex’s face. It’s honestly nearly heart breaking…well it would be….if I wasn’t a guy. He looks sad, yet kind of confused and frustrated at the same time.

“If you love him so fucking much why do you treat him like that? God, you’re so selfish.” I thank god that he only mutters this, so no by standers or passer bys here it, then reply with a half hearted glare before turning away and repeating to myself ‘he doesn’t know he doesn’t know he’s doesn’t know he doesn’t know…’ for the rest of the school day.

“Where’s Alex?” I grumble as Nate slides into the passenger seat of my car after school.

“You don’t care,” he breathes as I start the car. True. I don’t reply. He starts up a conversation once we finally get out of the student parking lot in the right after school rush, after all the buses. It’s light and easygoing, kind of pointless, like before he was gay. And I think it’s when I finally realize that he really hasn’t changed. And as I look at him as I let him out in front of his house and we smile at each other and I watch him go inside his house, I think I’ve really, finally come to terms with this.

I only get to the end of the block before stopping and taking a deep breath. I think of the possibility…chance, that these feelings are totally mutual. He feels the exact same way as I do, and if not, just a little less…maybe a little more. Chance, chance, chances, they only matter because of my fear of rejection. I turn around and pull into Nate’s driveway, behind dad’s car. I fumble with the seat belt, my hands shaking. I jump out the car and run to the front door, letting myself in with my key. The thought is rattling in my mind, but it’s there to stay.

“Hey Dad!” I call in greeting, seeing Nate’s father’s blurred figure in the kitchen as I rum past him and hear ‘good afternoon, Connor’ as I’m half way up the stairs.
It’s like those girly romance movies, I open the door hard with wide eyes and it takes me too long to find Nate on his bed with a book, looking at me with worried eyes because I’m so…nervous.

“Connor… Are you okay? What’s wrong?” He puts the book on the nightstand and starts to get off the bed, but I gesture for him to stop as I collect my confidence, thoughts, and breath. He leans back against his headboard and waits for me to explain.

“I’m not gay,” I mentally roll my eyes, nice start. “I-I don’t see guys like…uh I guess you do. I don’t really find them attractive and bulges don’t really catch my attention on the street like boobs do. I’ve-I’ve never looked at a guy and t-thought he’d make a good fuck… But you probably know this. Of course you know this, because you’re my best friend. You’re my best friend and we’re so close. I’ve never found a guy attractive…before you.” The look on Nate’s face after my fast spiel was indescribable. I suppose he thought I was done as he started gaping and closing his mouth like a fish. I walk over to the bed slowly and crawl next to him.

“And I hope this doesn’t sound creepy…actually I’m not even that scared that you’ll take it that way because we’re so close that I know for sure that you won’t judge me. I can be myself around you. I love you, and I’m saying that as your best friend of nearly ten years.” I swing my legs over his, straddling him, he lowers and we’re laying down, me on top of him.

My voice gets lower, “But we’re so much closer than that. We’re closer that any pair of best friends I’ve ever encountered, hell, we’re closer than some couples. And I know you have Alex. And I know this is sudden, to both of us, really. But I love you, and I’m saying that as more than a friend.”

I look at him straight on, into his eyes. I feel his chest lifting with every breath as he gapes for a few more moments. He looks back into my eyes, seemingly contemplating, and then turns his head to the open door. He looks back up at me and my eyes travel to his lips. I nearly lean down to kiss them…but I don’t.

“Connor, um- not to…I- err. Did you…ever think that maybe I don’t want to be with you…like that?” he’s looking at and playing with a loose thread on my sleeve now as he says this but he looks so perfect right now. I wish I could just take a picture to show him how beautiful he looks in my arms, under me.

He meets my eyes and pulls his hand from my sleeve, taking my heart with him.
The breaths I take seem so loud in the silence. So this is what real heart break feels like. I swear it seems literal, my chest is tightening and everything stings, especially my chest against his. “No. No I didn’t,” my pride won’t let me sound hurt.

I cough, noticing I’m still on top of him, and sit up. “I…should go…” I say softly, sitting on the edge of his bed, hunched over with chest pains as I look out the window.

“No, Connor, don’t go. Please-“ his phone ringing cuts him off. It rings three times before I say, “Answer it.”

I hear rustling and feel the weight of the bed shift. I hear the phone opening, then a quiet, “Hey, Alex…yeah, kind of, I’ll call you back later, okay?...Okay, bye…”

“Do you love him?” I can’t help it. Its cliché, and I hate cliché things, so I usually hate when the people in those romances say that, but now that I’m in a situation close to theirs, I think I understand why they say it. Well not really, other than just the random urge. Maybe its closure, maybe it’s me beating myself up.

“We’ve been dating for two weeks, Connor…”

“So,” I grumble, childishly.

“No, I don’t…not yet.”

“You think it’ll last that long?” I don’t know what I’ll get out of it if he answers this question. I don’t know if I‘m expecting him to say a week, and jump at the chance to be rebound or what.

“Hey guys, I got a double chocolate cake…your favorite, Connor.” I turn to see dad in the doorway looking a little uneasy. He may’ve heard us talking.

“Cool,” I force a smile and stand and stretch. I try not to be bitter, “Coming, Nate?”

“Of course,” he pretty much jumps up and throws an arm around my neck; I look to him and am glad he’s not giving me some sympathetic, pitying look. He’s just smiling.

I keep thinking about chances; chances that he liked me before Alex, because Alex is just too much like me; chances that he still wants me. I never thought that the chances were slim. Or maybe I just… missed my chance? I’m so selfish.