Cold As You

I was lying in bed for no more than two or three hours when I felt the bed sink down next to me. My brother had been worried about me since he saw me walk inside with tears streaming down my face, but I didn't want to talk. I felt an arm wrap it's way around my waist, a bare chest pressing against my back. I was wearing only a sports bra and a pair of small panties; and I suddenly let my body go rigid.

It wasn't my brother.

I sat up quickly and swiftly, my blood frozen in my veins. I looked over and saw Sidney lying on his back looking up at me innocently. He was shirtless and I bit my lip as he placed his hand on my bare hip, rubbing soft circles on my hip bone as he let a small smile creep its way onto his lips. My teeth clamped down on my lower lip harder as I tried to resist the urge to crawl on top of him.

"What are you doing here?" I managed to squeak out.

"I couldn't leave the party right away," he told me. "So as soon as everyone left I got here as fast as I could. I want to see you around Ev, I don't want you to leave."

"I can't- you can't," I stuttered. His fingers dipped down into my panties and I gasped, my hand slamming against his bare chest as a way to steady myself. "You need to stop," I breathed out, trying so hard to sound strong but sounding anything but.

The thing I needed most in this whole mess of a situation wasn't for Sidney to listen, and it wasn't for him to apologize and tell him he loved me. Although those things would be nice, the thing I needed more than anything was a spine, back bone. I needed the ability to say no. I needed to be strong and determined with what I told him, I needed for him to not be able to question what I was saying to him.

He smirked at me, dipping his fingers farther down into my panties his fingers brushing against my most sensitive area. "You don't want me to stop," he stated boldly. I closed my eyes for a moment, allowing him to do whatever he wanted to me. But soon, I snapped back into reality and shot out of my bed. I was standing in front of Sidney in nothing more than my sports bra and tiny little panties, and he smiled at my appearance and pushed himself so he was leaning on his forearm.

"I do," I nodded my head quickly. "I do. You just- you need to leave Sidney," I ran my fingers through my hair, pulling at the roots lightly before releasing it from my grip. He sat up, looking at me oddly.

"What?" He asked dumbly cocking his head to the side.

"Dammit Sid!" I yelled, angry with the fact he still didn't seem to understand the effects his actions had on me. "I said get out! You can't do this anymore! It isn't fair," I said weakly.

"What do you mean it's not fair?" He inquired, pushing himself into a sitting position.

"It means exactly what it sounds like!" I bellowed. "I love you Sidney, don't you get it? You have my heart in your fucking hands and you’re breaking it. And you can't give a shit less, or worse than that, you don't even understand what you're doing!"

"I don't-" he began, talking out of the side of his mouth like he usually did. I cut him off before he could go any farther though.

"Don't say anything," I said, pointing an accusing finger at him. "I gave up so fucking much for you Sidney, and you don't know the half of it. There were so many fucking times that I gave up my happiness for you. There's been so many times I've been absolutely miserable just so you could be happy. And you never cared, hell, you never noticed. And sometimes, I was okay with that. Because sometimes it was worth it to see you happy, and even though I was miserable seeing you happy made me happy. But then there were times, like today. And at the parade, where I stayed miserable the whole day. Where I felt like my heart was going through a blender and every time I saw you smile I wanted to die. You'll never understand what it's like Sidney. I fucking hate being in love with you now," I spat, hardly taking a breath in my long rant. When I was finally done speaking tears were streaming down my beat red face and Sidney was just staring at me blankly.

"You can't blame me for never understanding," he said softly.

"And you can't blame me for hating that," I whispered.

Sidney looked at me and blinked a few times. His mouth hung open and I knew he had nothing to say. I guess I didn't really expect him to have anything to say, I knew this was a lot for him to take in at the moment. As much as I felt he should have already known everything I had just told him, the fact of the matter was this was the first time he had ever heard such things. He was thinking hard about it though, his eyebrows were knitted at his lips were slightly pursed.

In a way I guess I was happy he didn't have anything to say yet, because I still wasn't sure what I wanted to hear leaving his lips. If he suddenly broke down and told me he slept with me because he was in love with me and he left because he wasn't sure if I felt the same way, I wasn't so sure I would jump into his arms and kiss and hug him. But if he told me I was an idiot and he was just using me for sex because he could, I wasn't sure how I would react. I needed time to think about my reaction and he needed time to think about what he wanted to say to me. I let a shaky breath leave my lips and I slowly walked back over to my bed, grabbing the tee-shirt sitting at the foot of it and slipping it over my head.

"Maybe you should just leave," I said lowly. "We both need some time to think."

"But I don't want to-"

"Sidney," I stopped him from saying anything he would regret so I wouldn't do anything I would regret. "I guess I'll see you back in Pittsburgh."

Sidney got out of bed slowly, walking over to his pile of clothes and putting them on begrudgingly. Before he left he stood in front of me as I looked down at my feet, not willing to look up into his dark eyes and helplessly loose myself in him again.

"Are you even gonna look at me?" He asked, sounding slightly angered by my actions.

"Bye Sid," I murmured.

"Real fucking mature Evangeline," he spat before stomping out of my room.

I stood in my room, eyes still fixated on my feet for a few more moments before Sidney's words actually resonated in my mind. Suddenly, it clicked in my mind and I began to ran down the stairs and into the living room, hoping Sidney didn't leave just yet.

My brother was sitting on "his" armchair and was glancing over his shoulder in the direction of the front door. I'm guessing he was wondering why Sidney was leaving the house, but it didn't matter and I took it as a good sign. I sped up and skidded to a halt when I heard the door slam, indicating my supposed best friend had left the house.

"What the fuck was that?" Sean asked, setting his sights to me now.

"It was nothing!" I exploded at him. He shrieked back at my sudden outburst and then his lips curled into a devilish smile.

"Are you really that bad in bed?" He asked me.

"Sometimes I think you're a bigger asshole than he is," I muttered as I made my way back to my bedroom. "And trust me, that makes you a pretty big asshole!" I called just before I slammed my door shut.