Living on Perfectly Remembered Memories

We were all dancing on the ground floor. Even the people who weren't dancers weren't sitting lonely in their chairs. I was so proud of them.

While Rafael was off dancing with his mom, I was waltzing all over the place with Ken. We looked hideous, spinning around everywhere and bumping into everyone.

"Izzy, you can't dance!" Ken laughed, checking his footing.

I tried punching him with my hand he had strongly clasped with his. "Neither can you!"

"Shut up you short person!"

"Respect your elders!"

"Oh yes, I forgot how old you are."

I nodded and continued dancing with him. Although he followed my lead, I could tell he wanted to let go and run off in the other direction. As the song cascaded to a softer one, I stepped on his left foot and elbowed his ribs.

"I am so sorry! Did I hurt you?" I asked, covering my mouth with my hand.

He grunted. "I'm fine. Let's go sit down."

We sat down at my table since his had a number of purses and jackets surrounded by it. While my brother was regulating his breathing, I took a sip from my glass of wine. This was a dessert wine; the taste was light, a little bitter but with a sweet aftertaste. I would have never been able to detect these features if it had not been for Matt. He started drinking at a young age, but he was able to tell the difference between crappy alcohol and the good kind.

Oh Matt. I already began to miss him. Was he doing alright? Where was he right now? They all returned about an hour ago with tired expressions. They returned without my Matt. Where could he be? I knew he most likely didn't want to see me, but I needed to talk to him. I still remained to be the only person he could tell his feelings to without holding back. One way or another, I have to sneak out to speak to him.

Ken waved a hand in my face. I blinked and shook my head. "Yeah?" I giggled.

Ken rolled his eyes and smirked. "You daydream too much."

"So?"

"Uh huh. Izzy, can I tell you something that might upset you?"

He began to play around with a napkin on the table. It was perfectly clean seeing as how everyone was dancing. The food wouldn't arrive until later.

Out of agitation, I placed my hand on top of his. Watching him rip the napkin to smaller pieces made me want to throw it in the trash. I looked into his gray eyes. "Yeah, go."

"Wait, forget it. I don't want you to be upset."

"Ken I can't be anymore upset than I am now. I mean, come on, my best friend just walked out of my reception."

"That's the thing!" he sighed, his gray eyes shining. "It is about Matt."

"All the more reason to tell me."

"Okay, okay. Well...Izzy? You and Matt make a better couple."

I felt all the color drain from my face. If Matt didn't shock me before at the end of his speech, then what Ken just told me fried all of my nerves. It was one of those things where the newsflash is so unexpected that all I could was blink and stare at him like a deer in the headlights.

A tap on my shoulder almost brought me back to my senses. I turned my head; there stood Brian. He had crease lines above his eyebrows and a frown on his lips. His eyes portrayed anger. That was a strange mix.

He thrust his phone into my hands, almost as though he was glad to get rid of it. I looked at him and then at his phone, back and forth many times. Shaking, I took his phone.

Matt

I did it; I actually did it! It took me years to say it, but it's better to be late than never. At least, that sounded great in my mind when I was in the middle of telling my story. Now that I think about it, that was a horrible idea.

What did I just do? I openly told Fran that I'm in love with her, at her freaking wedding with her family, her husband's, and with her own husband there! Oh dear god, that was such a bad idea.

Maybe that's why I ran as soon as I said it. I couldn't face the rejection. Or maybe I'd rather face the rejection. I mean, that has to be why I sat on this bench in front of the hall. I haven't left and she hadn't come out to check on me.

Let's be real. She most likely couldn't come out. Rafael would be the reason why. That douche stopped being my friend ever since senior year of high school. My treatment of him during that camping trip is proof of why we became vicious towards each other.

Okay, ow. My heart hurt. It had to be somce weird heart condition going on. Dad always did tell me to go to the doctor more often in case something was wrong with me. Ow! Shit, it hurt really bad. It felt like a boa constrictor was wrapping it iself around my heart and it kept squeezing. It hurts.

"Matt? Sweetie, are you okay?"

I looked up and found all of my friends standing at my feet, all of them except Franchesa. I sighed and leaned my head back against the bench. However, I kept my hand over my heart.

"You need to talk to her," Angel mumbled, touching my arm.

"Maybe," I answered.

"Your heart is hurting dude. She's the only one who can make it feel better," Jimmy said.

"That would only hurt him more!" was Johnny's explosive reply.

"Shut up Johnny! She is the only one who can fix this," Jessica screamed.

"Would you rather he be even more hurt? No? Then he shouldn't talk to her!"

"You're young! You don't even know what they were like in high school!"

"Will you all SHUT UP!" I groaned through gritted teeth. My chest was already hurting, I didn't need my head to hurt too.

"Sorry," they all muttered and continued to stand there, not knowing what to do. Truthfully, I had no idea what to do either.

"Just...Leave me alone. Please," I begged, unable to look directly into anyone's eyes. I couldn't stand their pity.

One by one, they walked back in there, leaving me behind. When I looked up, Brian was still standing there, arms across his chest.

"What?" I questioned defiantly.

He raised an eyebrow at me and shook his head. "I've known Franchesa for a long time, maybe not as long as you, but I've still known her for a couple years. I remember clearly I was one of the people to fucking tell you to tell her! If you told her sooner, none of this would've happened! You two would've been together by now! Why do you always wait until the last minute? I'll be inside pretending to be happy to save your sorry ass. Have fun out here."

I flinched at his words as he walked back there. I felt like I was the little kid and Brian was my father. I also flinched because he was right. I waited until the last minute to tell her. If I told her years before, what would've happened? Would she have broken up with Rafael? Would she develop feelings for me? Would I even be in this situation?

None of that actually matters. The only thing that does was that I screwed up. I screwed up again with her. That's what I always do; I mess up things for her. I've made her go through enough stress and pain and here I am making her go through even more. I have to try to make this right.

I pulled out my phone and sent Brian a text, asking him to give Franchesa the phone. A few minutes later, she replied to my number.

'Matt, are you ok?'

There was a lot I wanted to say to her. I couldn't say everything over words though, I needed to say some things face to face. I'd start with the predictable stuff.

'Fran im so sorry for telling you. I know you love Rafael. I know you do.'

'It's ok, I promise. I just care that your ok.'

'I need to talk to you. Can we after your honeymoon?'

'YES!!! Just give me a time and place, I'll be there. Any hour of the day. Any place.'

'Ill tell you then. Go have fun with your husband.'

A few more vibrations continued after I sent her that. I knew she wanted to keep talking, but I couldn't allow that to happen. I refused to take up her time. It was her special day, the special day that most girls dreamed about their entire lives. I never understood why girls always loved to daydream about their "perfect" wedding. Then again, Fran's wedding wasn't perfect. I fucked it up.

Anyhow, I will to fix everything. If it should happen that I cannot stay in her life, then so be it. All she ever deserves is to be happy. And maybe, being happy will mean that I have to go away.