Kill Me.

Callum shut the door behind Lee when the boy walked into his office before sitting at his desk. He liked having the object between them, a nice, physical item separating them. It seemed more official this way, business-like and that was what he needed. He couldn’t handle emotions and love proclamations and petty things like that. He could, however, handle telling the boy that they needed to keep their relationship platonic, friendship at most. Casual office acquaintances would be better.

Just as Callum was about to voice his opinion he saw Lee looking at him, his bright eyes worried and a touch scared, but hopeful. The younger male was wide-eyed and watching, as if afraid to scare Callum off. How ironic, that little Lee was worried about being too intimidating, too scary. Still, how was he supposed to crush that look without any feeling at all?

“Lee, the other day… I think-what I mean is I, um…” Callum frowned, stopping his attempts to talk. He didn’t like feeling so out of control. It took him a moment and a few deep breaths to gather his thoughts. “I don’t really know what happened Saturday honestly. All I can figure is you’re lonely out here without any of your friends in the city but I’m not the person who can fix that for you. I’m one of your supervisors,” he said, hating it as soon as Lee frowned, eyes flashing the briefest hurt expression before he had it carefully neutral again. “It isn’t that I don’t want to be there for you Lee. I just, I can’t be and whatever happened Saturday, it was… wrong. I’m sorry I encouraged it and I certainly don’t blame you, nor am I angry. I just… I want you to know it can’t happen,” Callum said, finally falling silently. He tried not to wince as he realized just how jumbled and harsh he speech had been.

“Callum I didn’t mean to. I wasn’t thinking and I should have known you would have hated me for it but I didn’t mean to. I was just tired and I should have controlled myself better,” Lee told him and Callum remained silent. “So um… I guess I’ll… go.” Lee frowned, about to stand up after Callum had made no move in the past minute.

“I don’t hate you Lee,” he said quickly, standing up as the younger man did. “It isn’t that; I promise. I’m bad for you. I’m angry and cold, and I don’t know how to handle relationships with people I know. I hate how you always laugh and grin no matter what, and how perky you are in the morning and that no matter how innocent you are, this world is going to destroy you because of it. I don’t hate you though Lee. It’s better off this way,” he said, voice strong as he told Lee, sounding more objective than he could even pretend to feel.

“That doesn’t make any sense Callum,” Lee said after a moment, biting his lip. “I can teach you how to be close to someone, how to trust.” Callum looked at Lee, shocked by the desperate sincerity in the boy’s eyes, and shook his head, heart racing. He had to focus on his breathing, forcing himself not to fall apart in the middle of his office.

“Lee it doesn’t… it won’t work. You should go.”

“Right.” He turned around and Callum knew he was attempting to be strong but he knew the boy was hurt, could see it in the unintentional slumping of his shoulders and the resignation as he walked away. Lee yanked the door shut behind him and Callum slumped into his computer chair, head coming to rest on his hand.

“Damn it,” he cursed, standing up. He glared at the wall, slamming his fist into it as hard as he could. It hurt, left his entire hand throbbing incessantly, and he sighed in relief, letting himself collapse into the chair Lee had just been sitting at. It smelled vaguely of him, probably from all the time the boy seemed to have been in it lately. Soft hints of peaches, what the boy was always eating, floated around him.

In seconds the women on either side of his office were opening his door, asking what had happened. Both were concerned, eyes flitting nervously around, landing on the hole now in the wall before looking at their co-worker. In another office set, he knew Lee hadn’t heard. When he glared at the women they closed the door, disappearing. Callum started to stand before shaking his head. It didn’t matter that he wanted to apologize to Lee, tell him he was afraid to hurt the boy and be the reason his innocence was gone. He had to leave him alone. It was the kindest thing he could do. The boy didn’t need all his issues.

When Lee opened the door just before the end of the day Callum couldn’t cover his surprised expression fast enough. He watched as the boy’s eyes went straight to the hole now in the cream wall and frowned, looking at Callum in concern. His eyes flickered to where Callum’s hand was on the keyboard, knuckles flexed oddly to keep the pain from being too distracting.

“Callum… are you ok?” he asked, starting towards the man.

“Fine. What do you want?” he asked and Lee sighed. Callum couldn’t help that he was back to his business-like tone with the boy. It had been a mistake to drop it in the first place.

“I was just… leaving and I know you always have a ton of work so I was going to offer to do a little for you. I mean, you’re always stuck here till late and you don’t even get overtime pay so…” Lee trailed off, giving Callum a smile.

“I’m fine,” Callum said instantly. “But thank you Lee. I appreciate it.” Lee nodded, looking at Callum. The older man shifted uncomfortably, waiting for Lee to leave.

He really should have moved a picture over the hole, he realized now. Then again, he didn’t actually have any pictures in his office.

“This is total bullshit you know,” Lee said quietly and Callum glanced up from his computer monitor.

“Excuse me?” he asked, genuinely confused.

“You, with your whole ‘I don’t hate you but it would never work out so let’s not even give it a try’ shit. I know for a fact you feel something for me. If you didn’t, you would have just flat out told me, and you probably would have punched me as soon as I kissed you,” he said defiantly, glaring at Callum. “So yeah, I just wanted to let you know I know you do care even if you pretend you don’t and that I know the reason you didn’t punch me that day was because, as much as you don’t want to, you actually do care.” Lee paused for a moment, catching his breath. “And I know you were angry enough with yourself to put a hole in your office wall and if you refuse to realize that you could fix this, it’s just going to happen again.” He waited only half a breath before storming out of the office, slamming the door behind him.

Callum stared at the door, willing Lee to come back in so he could admit that the younger boy was right, that he wanted whatever could be between them to work. He wasn’t sure he’d ever wanted anything quite so much but it wouldn’t and he wasn’t naïve enough to think it would. With a curse he shut his laptop and grabbed his keys, striding out of the office. He had just reached the parking lot when Lee pulled out onto the main road.

Sitting in his car Callum bit his lip to prevent any sound escaping, letting his head fall onto the steering wheel. How the hell could he destroy something so thoroughly before it had even begun?