My Heart Is Yours

Wednesday’s pov

I didn’t know why I had told Craig to bring Max over to my place today. Maybe I was getting sick or something. Or maybe it was the guilt eating away at me because, though he was no longer a drug addict, he was now an alcoholic. I’d prefer to have him sober and not doing anything like that, but he wasn’t really under my wing at all anymore…

Of course it wasn’t a good idea for me to tell them that. Was I going to be able to handle it? Probably not… I’d probably end up crying myself to sleep again tonight because of the fact that not only was Alex staying with Derek tonight because they had a show late that night and he didn’t want to wake me or Lily up, but having to see Max again was probably going to bring back the memories that I didn’t enjoy having in my head.

Honestly, if I could, I would just wipe the slate clean of everything involved with Max.

But that’s a total lie. Because without Max, I wouldn’t have Lily. And without Lily or Max, I’d probably be a very sad and lonely person because I probably wouldn’t have Alex, either.. And it’s also a lie because I loved Max more than anything in the world.

I still love him…

Which makes me a terrible person for being in a relationship with Alex, but I blame him. He’s the one that was so goddamn persistent all the damn time. If he hadn’t have been, it would have been extremely easy to just go on with my miserable life. But no, he just had to make himself a part of my life…

And now I had less than twenty-four hours to figure out what it was exactly that I was going to tell Max. I felt terrible that I hadn’t been able to tell him I was pregnant before I left. But breaking up with him was probably the hardest thing that I have ever done in my life. And I pray that I will never have to do something so hard again. However, the likelihood of that happening wasn’t very high.

“Mama, can we go to the park today?” Lily asked me, smiling up at me as she skipped up to where I stood in the kitchen, washing the dishes to keep my mind off of when Max was going to show up. My heart raced silently in anticipation for the event. And in nervousness, but that was beside the point…

I looked over at my daughter and sighed slightly. “We can’t today, sweetie, I’m sorry. Tomorrow we can go, though. Mama has to talk to someone today.” I told her before returning to the dishes. My five year old sighed and stood there pouting for a few moments before skipping off to play with her toys. I smirked and shook her head. She was so cute…

I still couldn’t believe that six years ago she wasn’t a part of my life. It was just so…strange to me. I’d gotten so used to being a mom, I couldn’t imagine life not as one. She was growing up fast, too… God, that’s such a Mom thing to say, isn’t it? I sighed at that thought, shaking my head and rolling my eyes at myself. But it was so true… It didn’t seem that long ago that she couldn’t even crawl and just had to cry and I almost went insane trying to go to school and take care of her at the same time.

And then Alex came along and helped me out with that situation. I was forever grateful to him for making it so that I didn’t have to drop out of college. I still felt terrible that he had to work for me for free. But I guess things worked out in the end… Kind of. I feel terrible that I can’t love him back the way that he does me… And that lies solely on Max’s shoulders…

Ah Max…

With a sigh, I realized that I had tears falling down my cheeks. Oh great. That was just what I needed. I wiped angrily at them as Lily went running past the kitchen to the door. Raising a brow, I realized that someone must have knocked, even though I hadn’t heard anything.

“Lily, who is it?” I asked, frowning slightly as I dried my hands quickly before moving around the island to go after her to the door. I was looking down at her when I got to the door, so I didn’t really see who it was at the door other than a pair of ratty shoes and a pair of gray skinny jeans that were cropped just below the knee of a pair of really pale legs. “I don’t know, Mama,” she told me and I looked up to see Max. It was still a surprise to see him despite the fact that I had been expecting him.

I gasped soundlessly, moving a hand to cover my mouth as tears stung at my eyes and began to gather in my eyes. Great. This was not what I needed to be doing right now…

Max looked…well, he looked better. He had gained weight since the last time I’d seen any pictures any of him. I attributed that to his lack of drug use and additional alcohol use. His hair was still dyed black, faded to a dark shade of brown. It was longer, shaggier, and wavier. Apparently he didn’t straighten his hair as often anymore… He was wearing a Marilyn Manson t-shirt and a pair of gray skinny jeans that were, again, cut off at the top of his pale-as-fuck calf.

I could feel myself start to shake as I tried to keep myself from crying. I wondered what he was thinking as I closed my eyes. “Max,” I managed to choke out. God…I hadn’t said that name in the last six years. Not since I had to explain things to my mother. It both struck a chord of happiness and a chord of disaster in me. One word. One name and it was enough to make me want to just never speak again. But I had always loved the way that his name sounded…even if it made me wince having to say it now…

“Come in, please…” I told him, sighing and stepping to the side. Lily hid behind my legs like she usually did when meeting new people and I looked down at her as she watched Max walk into our home. He was watching us warily, I think. Or something…I don’t know what emotion was in his eyes. But I didn’t really want to know…

I wondered even more now what he was thinking about this whole situation. I crouched down to my daughter’s level, ignoring Max standing awkwardly with the door still open behind him. “Go play in your room sweetie, okay?” She pouted and I had to stop myself from bursting out into hysterics at the irony of this situation. There was my daughter, pouting just like her father who was standing about two feet away from us. I wondered if he’d noticed at all… Probably not.

Lily looked up at Max briefly before back at me and nodded. “Okay…” she said, defeated, wrapping her arms around my neck in a tight hug before skipping off to her bedroom. I smiled after her, waiting until I heard her door close before my smile faded and stood, turning to Max as I closed the door behind him. He was still looking rather confused. I still couldn’t believe this was happening right now…

“You don’t have a cat, do you?” he asked me. I blinked, confused for a few seconds. Where the hell had that come from? I furrowed my brow and shook my head slowly. He seemed to relax, but only slightly before he looked rather depressed. I had to tear my gaze away from him so that I wouldn’t burst into tears…

Which was hard enough not to do as it was…

“No, I don’t, Max. Don’t worry. Let’s…let’s sit down, yeah? You’ll…yeah. Just…go sit down…” I stammered, struggling to fight back all the nerves that were threatening to take over right about now. With a sigh, I tugged on the ends of my long hair before walking over to the couch, plopping down on it and waiting for Max to take a seat. I kept my gaze to the floor, not wanting to see his face. I felt his weight on the other end of the couch and I sighed once more as I tucked my hair behind my ears. Well…here goes nothing…

“Max…”

“Wendy, I should apologize. I shouldn’t have done what I did and I’m so sorry, you have no idea. If you’ve brought me here to meet you husband or your daughter’s dad or whatever, then I think I should go. Because I don’t want-”

“Max, shut up,” I scolded, frowning at him. Why would he assume that I was…oh. Lily… Right… I smirked and then shook my head, running my hands through my hair before sitting up and turning him. He’d shut up, and was watching me with a confused expression on his face.

With a sigh, I moved my eyes down to the space of couch that was between us.

“Max, when I left Vegas…” I could feel my throat shut off the words that wanted so desperately to get out. I wanted so desperately to tell him about his daughter. He deserved that much from me, if nothing else.

“Wendy, I am so sorry, I don’t know -”

“Shut up, just…don’t say anything, okay?” I said, glaring up at him through my brows. He shut his mouth quickly, nodding quietly as he watched me. I sighed and pulled my legs up into my chest, wrapping my arms around them and setting my chin upon my knees before I continued. “When I left Vegas, I was… That night, I was going to tell you. But you were so…so messed up that…”

Oh great. There went not crying… He reached for me and I shoved him away quickly. I didn’t want his comforting touch right now. If I had to, then I’d probably end up throwing away every single little thing that I had worked so damn hard for over the last six years…

“I wouldn’t have left Vegas if I…but I was…and I didn’t know what else to do and…” I wasn’t making any sense, I could tell. He scooted closer to me and I wanted to just crawl in a hole and die.

I couldn’t believe that I was doing this…I was such a fucking idiot…

“Wendy, it’s okay. Calm down… I don’t blame you for leaving.”

“You don’t understand why though Max!” And there went not getting hysterical. My hands were shaking pretty damn badly at this point. I looked up at him. “Max, I was pregnant when I left.”