Breathe

I had spent most of my life hating. I hated that my father left, and married another woman. I hated that I never really fit in with anyone, or that in junior high, I was teased. I hated Peter, for sabotaging my self-confidence and mental health. The thing I hated the most, though, was myself. I had wasted so much time crying over a boy who swept me off of my feet, lifted me to cloud nine, and then dropped me.

I hated that Jacob didn't trust me anymore.

The sunlight permeated through the window, and I let my thoughts wander, staring out into the daylight. I had the house to myself. Liz had gone out with her friends (which she surprisingly had), Brenda was on a business trip, and Dad was fishing with his friend, Joe.

I hadn't talked to Jacob for about a week, and so I had taken the time to collect my thoughts, and try to think the situation over again. My conclusion? I got caught up in the moment. Peter took advantage of me, and I didn't bother to defend myself. I felt like a whore.

I sighed, and turned my eyes back to the television. It was late in the afternoon, and there was absolutely nothing for me to do around the house. The laundry had been done, and Dad was an obsessive compulsive cleaner, so it's not like there was anything to wipe down.

My cell phone buzzed on the coffee table in front of me. I reached for it, confused. I hadn't received any texts from Anthony or Julia lately, and I was almost sure that Jacob didn't want to speak to me. Turns out, I was wrong.

Can we talk? It read. My heart skipped a beat, and my breath hitched in my throat. Shit.

I pressed the buttons feverishly. Of course we can.

When I didn't get a response, I tossed the phone, where it landed with a bounce beside me. I knew Jacob, and when he didn't respond it was normally because he was moving. Jacob never texted when he was driving.

Within thirty minutes, there was a soft knock on the door. I jumped off of the couch and answered it, taking a deep breath as I opened the door. Jacob smiled meekly, his hands in his jean pockets. His skin looked darker than usual in contrast to the bleached white v-neck tee shirt he was wearing. He looked tired. It was pretty obvious that he hadn't slept last night. His hair stood up, longer than I had ever seen it. Jacob had told me once that before he met me, a few years ago, he used to have long hair. When he went through the transformation, though, he had to cut it. Longer hair, longer fur, he had said.

"Hi," I said, grasping the door like it was going to blow away.

"Hi." Chewing on my lip, I moved aside to let him in. The front door hadn't even been shut before he spoke again. "I can't stay away from you, no matter how hard I try. As much as I want to hate you, I just.. can't."

I crossed my arms. "You don't have to forgive me, Jake."

"Yes, I do." He sat on the arm of the couch. Jacob looked at me, searching my face.

"Because you imprinted on me, right? Is that it?" My tone was sharper than I had intended. But if this was about, then I might as well not even try.

"That's a major part of it, yes. But, I don't think you understand, Sarah. I'm going to want you no matter how hard I try not to." He pulled his hands out of his pockets and stood up, taking a step towards me, but then stopping.

"Why in the world would you want me, Jake? I'm messed up." My arms fell to my sides, and I approached him, stopping only a few paces away.

"Because I couldn't love anyone else, even if I tried."

Jacob cupped my face. "I'm so sorry, Jake." I let myself fall into him, wrapping my arms around his waist. His scent was overwhelming. It took him a moment to respond, but he wrapped his arms around me, rubbing small circles into my back with his thumb. "I didn't intend to leave." Tears had started to build up. "You and the others went to go kill the cat thing, and I just.. blew up." I clung to his shirt, and buried my face into his chest. He was so warm.

"It's ok, Sarah," he whispered.

"No, it's fucking not, Jake." I looked up at him. "I put you through hell. I'm never going to forgive myself."

"Sarah," He cooed into my ear. "Everything is going to be ok. I love you."

I broke myself apart from him, and stared at him. "Don't say that. You have to have at least a glimmer of anger."

"Well.. yeah. But just because I'm angry doesn't mean that I don't want.. to.. start this all over again. I'm not going to forgive you yet. You know that, obviously. But I'm still willing to get through it." Jacob took my hand, and pulled me into another hug. I sank into him, a sigh of relief coming over me. He kissed my hair, and the contact made me shiver.

"I hurt you." My voice was muffled against his shirt.

"Yep."

"I don't understand why you're doing this."

"I already told you."

"I'm sorry."

"You should be."

I sighed, and pushed myself away from him. "I don't deserve you."

"No," he agreed. "You don't. But we need each other, Sare."